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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect not to be whispered about in the school carpark ?

119 replies

scatterbrain · 20/04/2007 09:26

Grrrrr !!!

So - basically two other mums at school - I have sort of fallen out with both of them about minor things over the last year or so - and today they were standing in the carpark whispering behind their hands and GIGGLING fgs quite clearly about me !!

How old am I? err 40 ? How old do I feel ? 13 !!

OP posts:
Cammelia · 23/04/2007 12:07

All the classic advice about bullies says do not engage with them, therefore my advice would be do not send the email.

snowleopard · 23/04/2007 12:08

Scatterbrain I know how this makes you feel - I was bullied at school by people like this and it can really get under your skin - being an adult makes no difference. people behave like this because it works after all. It has intimidated the weaker members of the circle - they're scared of her. the whole reason she has it in for you is that you have showed you're actually not a doormat, not weak and not about to buckle under to her. OK you feel awful and have doubts, but you are strong. Ignoring her is the strongest thing you can do, but not only that, it's actually the thing that will upset her most and be the biggest slap in the face. If you want to get back at her, ignore her. I know it's hard though.

Don't think of rising above this as "not doing anything" or being a doormat. Getting involved in a catfight would just mean getting down on her level. Maintaining a dignified silence gives you the moral high ground. See other friends, distract yourself, arrange a weekend away or whatever. You don't need this daft woman!

theimpsmum · 23/04/2007 12:11

I too am experiencing this at the mo...
my advice and what I do is this:-
a0 don't let them see they are bothering you and most of all
b) remeber you are a grown adult taking YOUR child to school...these games are supposed to be played by your children in the playground,obviously something these 2 women have forgotten,either that or they have the maturity of a infant/junior child

hope it gets better for you soon,and don't rise to the bait

emankcin · 23/04/2007 12:11

send the e-mail and you will seem infantile.

arrange your own night out.

infact arrange many

arrange fundraisers where lots of mums turn up and then see who feels excluded

grumpyfrumpy · 23/04/2007 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
scatterbrain · 23/04/2007 12:13

Thank you - you're so right, I know that, I am just being a wimp - and although I don't really want to be part of her clique - I also don't want to not have the choice !

But - I am deleting the draft email - I will ignore and rise above !

It's interesting actually - just reading a thread about the SAHM/WOHM war at school - and that may well be what this is about! Both the bitches are SAHMs and I am WOHM !

Thanks so much for the advice

OP posts:
snowleopard · 23/04/2007 12:16

Go Scatterbrain!

You know one thing that has helped me in these situations is to turn them around and think differently - the worry here is being outcast and feeling that someone has turned against you, and doesn't like you - that's the weapon she's using. But that's not the main story here. The fact is, she's behaving like a bitch, and you don't like her. Do you? So the power and control is in your hands, not hers. You don't like her, and you don't have to socialise with her. Game won.

Original poster
scatterbrain · 23/04/2007 12:18

Oh My God - that is SO TRUE !!! Thank you for that - I wasn't at all seeing it like that - but you are absolutely 100% right !!!

In fact - funnily enough - dh just rang and asked if I'd heard from her - then he said that he had never liked her and was glad that we wouldn't have to socialise with her anymore as he found her petty and bitchy !

OP posts:
LizP · 23/04/2007 12:29

scatterbrain - don't feel the people going to the meal are on her side - more likely they have been invited on the night out, decided it sounded like fun and have no idea that you are invited. Even if they do know you are not invited, they can still be friends with both of you, but realise that you 2 don't get along.

Original poster
scatterbrain · 23/04/2007 12:46

Hmmmm - the plot thickens !!

Just had a call from the other nice mum who is going for the meal - and she says that the rude one sent out the email about the meal two hours before she sent me an email calling me a bitch !!! So - I may have been right to think that she was looking for an opportunity to exclude me !

Also - apparently she has been spending a bit of time with the other one who doesn't speak to me and I suspect is under her influence !

Nice friend said that if they bitch about me she and other nce friend will speak up for me - and they feel bad about going - but don't want to get involved in row etc...

OP posts:
snowleopard · 23/04/2007 12:50

Stick to your resolve and don't be tempted to get back at her. Just sit back... relax... and watch it all go tits up.

newgirl · 23/04/2007 12:52

def don't send an email - ever!! that will only make things worse.

i think this is all solvable - you have to see them at school gates so it is worth fixing - stupid one has invited you for dinner so they do like you - communication has broken down somehow.

i think the perfect thing to do would be organise a night out - email everyone and offer to extend it to all parents with kids in the class at local pub - that way communication about nice stuff opens up again. also people might start saying - weve got a night planned soon come along etc.

otherwise, this is going to go on and you are going to have more crap monday mornings

Swizzler · 23/04/2007 12:55

And arrange to do something nice with nice friend (and poss others) also something different - not a meal but an activity? Sounds like the evil woman has done you a favour by making her feelings clear - you get out of a horrifying dinner!

Tamdin · 23/04/2007 18:14

scatter glad you got some more sensible input. think not sending it was right decision. i might have been tempted but probably regretted it afterwards. hope you're ok

Original poster
scatterbrain · 23/04/2007 18:51

Hi everyone, well the bloody woman was at late pick up as her dd was doing same club as mine - so now I have been blanked twice on the same day ! Funny though - she was wearing white trousers and I could see her thong ! Nasty !

Anyway - I didn't send the email and I am maintaining the image of not giving a damn - I busied myself popping in to the loo and chatting to another mum at pick-up !

Thanks to you all for you help ! Spoke to my oldest friend abojut it today - she is single and has no idea about the whole school-gate trauma but as ever she had sage advice "sod her" she said !

OP posts:
newgirl · 23/04/2007 21:58

yes but wise old friend prob doesn't have to see these people every day - in single life you just avoid seeing people you dont like - we dont get that luxury

treat them like 'work colleagues' you've got to get on with them in some way you dont have to be best mates - i'm sure youve had enough of my opinion now so i'll leave you to it!

Original poster
scatterbrain · 08/05/2007 14:40

Sorry to resurrect this one - but have new developnments !!

Did I mention that we had a long standing invitation to a dinner party at this woman's house ? Well - it is next weekend - and yesterday I got an email confirming the arrangements. So I emailed back and just said that "given the events of the last few weeks we had assumed the invitation had lapsed -so we haven't arranged a sitter" - and she has emailed back again basically saying that it's all my fault - I am blanking her etc.

I am sitting here off sick feeling sicker than ever !!!

Why me ???

OP posts:
bobsyouruncle · 08/05/2007 14:52

sounds like the email was an olive branch & your response has kicked it off again!?

Original poster
scatterbrain · 08/05/2007 14:57

but how could i go ? it would be so false?

She has been blanking me for almost 3 weeks now - and excluded me from a meetup - how can I be her friend if she does that ?

OP posts:
bobsyouruncle · 08/05/2007 15:19

Agree it was an inadequate olive branch & not saying I think you SHOULD go but just wondered if maybe that's what her intention was.

Original poster
scatterbrain · 08/05/2007 15:22

My RL friends thought that too - like she was trying to brush the last few weeks under the carpet, pretend it hadn't happen kind of thing !

Apparently it's all ME though - I am the one in the wrong !!!

OP posts:
FiveFingeredFiend · 08/05/2007 15:36

you need to phone her

Original poster
scatterbrain · 08/05/2007 15:36

Eeeeek - phone her ?? and say What ??

OP posts:
powder28 · 08/05/2007 15:46

Tell her to stick her dinner party up her ase, the two faced btch.

Then tell us what she said

bobsyouruncle · 08/05/2007 16:11

I can hear her now at the dinner party - (in sad voice) "I did try & make amends by inviting her tonight but she refused to come, ah well I tried..." Sorry not helping