Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect not to be whispered about in the school carpark ?

119 replies

scatterbrain · 20/04/2007 09:26

Grrrrr !!!

So - basically two other mums at school - I have sort of fallen out with both of them about minor things over the last year or so - and today they were standing in the carpark whispering behind their hands and GIGGLING fgs quite clearly about me !!

How old am I? err 40 ? How old do I feel ? 13 !!

OP posts:
Wotzsaname · 20/04/2007 09:59

Nerrr nerrr ne nerrr nerrr - next time you see them think of

Witches by Roald Dahl and hold that thought

snowleopard · 20/04/2007 10:05

People like this (often women sadly) want to have a feeling of power, which they can't really get other than by controlling their little group - which they do in little ways eg by suggesting another pub and trying to get everyone to switch to that instead of your suggestion. It's probably unconsious but it's basically a way of saying "no no, I'm the alpha female here and you'll all do what I say, not what she says". By the sounds of it you have not been playing along - withdrawing when they bully you, having nothing to do with them when they're spiteful, instead of sucking up. They absolutely hate that, because it means you escape their control, so they turn on you. It is schoolyard behaviour - playground bullying works the same way. You're doing the right thing - and i bet you anything if you maintain your dignified position and show no interest in them, their "followers" will eventually flock to you instead. (Whether you want that is another matter!)

I'd start some other activities and make some other friends who are out of the loop. Remember the strongest, most effective thing you can do to these people is to ignore them. They're desperate for you to get back at them, because then you'll be engaging in a contest with them, which again they'll ry to win.

saltire · 20/04/2007 10:07

Just remember you are a better person than them.

DrDaddy · 20/04/2007 10:11

I'd just walk right up to them both with a smile on my face and start chatting as if nothing had ever happened. Life's too short. But I am a bloke...we do things a bit differently.

ash6605 · 20/04/2007 10:21

scatterbrain i know exactly how this feels.i fell out with a couple of friends near me recently over the way they treat me when i miscarried.they live in the same village and their kids are in the same class as mine.i regularly sense they are talking about me,it has got to the point where i feel quite intimidated walking past them.even their kids have started being funny with mine.it is pathetic that grown women act in this childish manner.i just try and rise above it all and think im better than that but its easier said than done sometimes and i do get quite paranoid about it!

Wotzsaname · 20/04/2007 10:22

DrDaddy i did that once with 2 mums who went all "off' for no real reason. I kept going past with a big smiale and warm "hello" so close that they had to say something else they looked stupid.

After about the 4th time we chatted again.
We can all talk now on some adult level in the school yard!

FWIW one of the parents I chat to in the playground is a man. The shame, I expect that must be the problem, i must be a floozie!

inanidealworld · 20/04/2007 10:35

Scatterbrain, they sound awful and petty. Do not waste another moment of your life thinking about them. Drop them.

IcingOnTheCake · 20/04/2007 10:53

That's my worst nightmare, the thought of bitchy women at the school gate-i have so much to look forward to!

Ambi · 20/04/2007 11:39

Oh they sound pathetic, but what I'd do is what past them "on your mobile" and quite loudly describe them and to your "caller" advise how childish some people are around here and how sorry you feel for them, they should get the message and not feel as if they're "excluding you from their club" - It's simple childhood mentality, It brings you above them without having to talk to them.

Or just wave and smile, sounds like unlike them you've got a happy balanced life - that will really rile them cos they'll have to actually be nice or obviously snub you which will be viewed as pathetic by many others!

Women can be so cliquey and bitchey and fickle, I've got all this to look forward to. It's not fair you should have to put up with this, esp if they impact their pettyiness onto their kids.

pudding77 · 20/04/2007 11:50

scatterbrain - I echo everyone else here, just not worth it.

I am so dreading playground politics when ds goes to school!

DrDaddy · 20/04/2007 11:52

I've never understood this about women. It just doesn't happen with blokes. I remember my sister used to go through all this kind of thing when she was a teenager. So-and-so was snubbing so-and-so, and being bitchy, catty etc. It's either something innate or the way in which girls are brought up in the UK. I can't imagine the Dutch being like this...They're always so beautifully direct. They'd probably march up and say, "who the fuck's rattled your cage?" or something...
I think it's all probably down to the fact that you never had to shower together after sport when at school...

DimpledThighs · 20/04/2007 11:56

lots of people on here think you are gret company - people like them aren't worth people like you bothering with. Next time give them a big smile and think 'look at my face, does it look bothered' and remember us on here who think you are fab.

OrmIrian · 20/04/2007 11:58

I don't do playground. I drop my eldest 2 outside the school gates in the morning. And when I pick them up I stride in in my owkr togs just in time and pretend I'm thinking of higher things . I have plenty of aquaintances and no 'enemies' but no good friends either. I'm there for my kids and the only socialising I do is for their benefit.

After 6 years I've learned that it's just not worth the angst.

Original poster
scatterbrain · 20/04/2007 12:00

Thank you !!!!

Was just chatting to a RL friend - well she's still my friend after 28 years ! And she agrees with you all - they have got too much time on their hands and think they are bloody princesses !!

Interesting what DrDaddy said about the Dutch - one of these lovely ladies (the terribly rude one !) is Italian - and very "tell it like it is" - whereas I kind of think some things are probably best left unsaid ! (terribly English of me I know !)

Also totally agree about the alpha female thing !

Oh well - just a shame that dd is best friends with rude one's dd ! Although the dd has upset my dd a few times with her forthrightness too !

OP posts:
ska · 20/04/2007 12:02

funnily enough I was talking about exactly this with a playground (now real good) friend this morning. She thinks people do this to her in the playground. I can't believe that anyone would do this. FGS we are all adults aren't we and it's bad enough dealing with our dc's insecurities at school without having to worry about this crap. My advice to her : be friendly to them still and rise above it, you are better, kinder and so much more the sort of person I would want to be friends with. It does sound like the behaviour of people who just don't have a life. While I wouldn't actually wish misfortune on anybody else (well, not really) at some point something nasty will happen to these people and then they won't have any real friends (like us) to rally round them.

RedFraggle · 20/04/2007 12:49

Scatterbrain, I agree with the other suggestions of doing what you are doing and rising above it - it is a typical female control thing.
The other thing that works is to wait until they do their giggling crap and then smirk very obviously as you saunter past as though you find their behaviour just too amusing for words. This will irritate them and make them slightly paranoid. Do this a few times and you will find that you honestly do find them riddiculously amusing and it will all cease to bother you at all.
At the end of the day you don't need them - you have a busy life and other friends.

chocolattegirl · 20/04/2007 12:59

I don't talk to anyone at my dd's school if I can help it - if the other mums want something they'll approach me. I'm not very good first thing in the mornings anyway so that's probably why.

It's hurtful though when people whisper about you but for all I know the whole playground is talking about me. I'm just not tuned in enough to pick it up .

DrDaddy · 20/04/2007 14:19

Here's another suggestion: Divide and conquer. Go up to both of them and ask the one you like more if you can have a private word (away from her friend). Then say that you're sorry that you've not been on speaking terms for a while and you want to change that and invite her for a coffee, or something that will act as an olive branch. After all, if people are normally only really interested in one thing....themselves. Speaking to that will get you a long way.

(Alternatively just flick them the V's every time you see them, or run your finger slowly across your throat and mouth "YOU" - that'll do the trick too )

OrmIrian · 20/04/2007 14:22

Good plan DrDaddy. That will scupper 'em. They'll both be giving each other suspiciosu glances for ages.

hayes · 20/04/2007 14:37

Just ignore them and just think if they are talking about you they are leaving someone else alone

Rachmumoftwo · 20/04/2007 14:44

I bet they were like this at school. And their kids will turn out the same! If that is all they have to occuppy their boring little lives leave them to it. Why not find a mumsnet meet up near you and go and make some nicer friends! x

newgirl · 20/04/2007 14:50

I think Dr Daddy is completely right!

To be honest I'm not sure I would have known how to take your email about the pub thing so I would just try and put the whole thing behind you.

I guess you have to see these people for the foreseable future so you may as well try to get on with them. Emails and texts etc are shockers for getting the tone wrong - you liked them once, why not try it again? life is too short

Original poster
scatterbrain · 20/04/2007 15:40

Really newgirl? - I'm interseted in that as I really can't understand how anyone could read anything into my email ? ie; "you guys choose because to be honest I don't think we'll be able to make it as I have to make a work call"

To me that was just passing the choice to them as I shouldn't push them into going to my place as I was no longer available to attend ! I ahd said before in the convo that I was unlikely to be able to - so it wasn't like I was flouncing because they didn't want to go there or anything !

Interesting idea from DrDaddy - but tbh I don't want either of them in my house again - so won't be doing that one !

OP posts:
DrDaddy · 20/04/2007 15:44

Newgirl might be right though. Email is such a cold, brutal medium and things can come across in the wrong way quite unintentionally. Like on here really, which is why we have all these sodding s!

Tinker · 20/04/2007 15:47

God, I'm sooooooooooo glad I do no school pick-ups or dropping offs.