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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How unreasonable was my understandable (in my opinion) behaviour

80 replies

MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 02:54

A memory from 15+ years ago came to mind when talking with a friend last night. Friend and I can't decide whether my behaviour was unreasonable. It certainly was understandable.

I was invited to a co-workers' wedding and was asked if I would collect and drive 2 couples who were coming from out of town and was happy to do so, as we were all friends, until, someone dropped the fact I was only invited so they would save money on taxi fares. Sure I was a little hurt but their behaviour at the wedding hurt the most.

The wedding reception was a cocktail evening, no seating, with waiters coming around with finger food. Everyone stood around in groups of friends. My friends disappeared after a while. I started to feel terribly awkward by myself.

I found a few days after the wedding that the other couples had left the reception to go one of the bars - part of the building but separate businesses to the reception room. After 4 hours and not knowing where they were they were, I was still standing by myself like the proverbial wallflower. I couldn't drink more than a glass or two as I was the designated driver. Wine would have helped me not care!!

So I left, as I felt crap in so many ways, and because I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Left so-called friends to find their own way back to the motel where they were staying.

Would you have done the same as me or not?

OP posts:

LambMadras · 06/12/2017 08:49

You sound lovely. I'm sorry it's been on your mind all this time.
I think you had balls to walk out and definitely did the right thing! Good for you!

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 06/12/2017 08:51

I would have left, as others have said, much earlier

Serves them right for being inconsiderate selfish bastards

roundaboutthetown · 06/12/2017 08:59

You would not have been the bigger, better person to have hung around waiting to give those people a lift home - you did not leave them stranded in the middle of nowhere, you left a group of competent adults having fun at a wedding a taxi ride away from their motel... It would have been frankly ridiculous for you to hang around long past the point of being happy to wait for people who probably assumed you'd left hours before, anyway, given that they totally vanished themselves.

Original poster

MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 09:01

Wish I could edit my original post to add this.

The main reason I stayed that long is I was waiting for the bride and groom to leave first. My parents taught me some manners and sometimes I remember to use them.

A heartfelt thank you to everyone. I am happy to have the support but for some very weird reason I feel like crying. (Gonna blame hormones)

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 06/12/2017 09:02

Definitely did the right thing. There is simply no need to let yourself be treated like that.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/12/2017 09:06

Your friend is not nicer and kinder than you; she's either a complete halfwit or a shitstirrer. Or possibly both.

morningconstitutional2017 · 06/12/2017 09:16

How horrible for you, MrsCrabby, they're weren't what we'd call 'true friends' to treat you like that. You certainly did the right thing by leaving the party eventually. If it had been me I would have been tempted to leave as soon as the penny dropped. Staying for hours with a false smile sounds been grim so no reasonable person would blame you for leaving. I hope you've: a) got nicer friends now and b) have with more experience of life learned to be assertive.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/12/2017 09:20

They were awful, OP and so was the bride. No excuses for them whatever.

And your friend isn't nicer or kinder than you, she's a doormat-target-in-waiting. You would have felt so much worse had you wanted around for these users. You didn't and saved your self-esteem from a further bashing. :)

LaurieFairyCake · 06/12/2017 09:27

You were not mean in any way

I'd have left after an hour. This doesn't make me 'mean', it means I won't be taken advantage of. If they had stayed with me chatting and being friendly I wouldn't have left. The second I found out I was dumped I'd have left.

JonSnowsWife · 06/12/2017 09:28

The main reason I stayed that long is I was waiting for the bride and groom to leave first. My parents taught me some manners and sometimes I remember to use them

Meh. Sod that for a lark. I had been out of hospital a few days when it was one of my best friends weddings. I was one of the first to leave that night. No ill feelings, the Bride and Groom knew how much it'd took out of me to attend so soon after in the first place. Another wedding, Mums best friends DS was getting married, I left early as I had to get back to a very young DD. Never been a problem for me to leave early and I've not been considered bad mannered for doing so.

I think you're being too hard on yourself OP.

TheVoiceOfTreason · 06/12/2017 09:29

Totally reasonable of you! You were treated terribly and made to feel awful. They will have got a taxi, which is exactly what they'd have had to do if they hadn't used you in the first place. Quelle horreur!

I'm sorry you had to put up with such a distressing experience. I actually think your handling was spot on. Kicking off about it would have not been fine given the occasion. You made your feelings known through quiet protest instead.

senua · 06/12/2017 09:30

My friends disappeared after a while. I started to feel terribly awkward by myself.

Even after all these years, I still felt that I was mean for leaving them in the lurch

Er, who left who in the lurch!? I think you will find that it was them.
YWNBU.

Popchyk · 06/12/2017 09:32

I agree that your friend's 'niceness' might just be something other than niceness on this occasion.

If she was so nice, then why did she have to say "You should have been the bigger person and stayed and driven them back"?

A nice person could have said something supportive or non-committal about it rather than take the opportunity to criticise you over something that happened years ago.

Goldenhandshake · 06/12/2017 09:35

I wouldn't have gone at all, and would have told them to shove their invite up their arse. Rude, cheeky, fuckers!

Original poster

MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 09:37

@JonSnowsWife - You had valid reasons for leaving early. I really didn't. Feeling miserable as in my case wasn't a legitimate excuse to leave in my opinion. If I was ill, sure I would have left - hmmm why didn't I think of that all those years ago.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 06/12/2017 09:37

I would not have given then 4 hours. My limit would have been about 2.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 06/12/2017 09:50

You are not a taxi! Just take care of yourself in future. Do you have any friends? If not, try to put yourself first, engage with people over similar interests. Be interested in others, learn a bit if assertiveness and maybe volunteer somewhere.

Lizzie48 · 06/12/2017 09:54

You were definitely not unreasonable to leave, you should have left much earlier, as others said. You were treated appallingly. It's the sort of thing that happens to younger people when they have cars and their friends don't.

I remember being that person. I worked for a Christian charity where they had overseas volunteers helping. One of them asked if I could drive them into Windsor and then pick them up, which was 10 miles away. I said, there's a perfectly straightforward bus service into Windsor. She admitted that they didn't want to pay. I asked, do you think it costs me nothing to drive you there? She didn't dare to pursue it. The issue was, if they had been inviting me to join them for the day out, I would have been more than happy to drive them and wouldn't have charged them for fuel. I was hurt that they didn't invite me and felt they wanted to use me. I was pleased with myself for being assertive, though.

You don't make people like you by being a doormat, sadly.

LagunaBubbles · 06/12/2017 09:59

*asked her why she truly would not have left. Her reply is that she would not have wanted to let anyone down even if they behaved badly.

So I have a friend that is much nicer and kinder than me - that is good*

Your friend may well be nice and kind but in regarding this situation no, you have a friend who is obviously willing to let people walk all over her, and be taken advantage of. Not a good character trait regarding healthy relationships Im afraid.

Chowmum · 06/12/2017 10:04

I'd be tempted to tell your current friend that she's talking rubbish as well. They were all really, really horrible, and totally CF. You gave them a lift there, that was more than they deserved. You were not unreasonable, and I can understand why you're upset even now. I'm feeling and for that 15 year ago you. Have these and try to put this nasty memory back in its box.

Chowmum · 06/12/2017 10:04

Can you tell I've just learnt to use the smileys?

Original poster

MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 10:04

Since there are a few comments re my friend's attitude and personality I will pay closer attention to what she says and does. Perhaps I have been missing something or perhaps I have not explained her reasoning very well on here. TBH I have never noticed her putting anyone down, being nasty, or a doormat. Having said that, telling me I should have been the bigger person caused me to eye-roll but that was her opinion. I did not buy it so here I am asking a bunch of strangers what they think.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/12/2017 10:09

I too think you did the right thing to leave, and that your friend has been unsupportive, judgemental and sanctimonious. Good idea to be wary of her and the feedback she gives to you from now on.

Original poster

MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 10:10

Thanks @Chowmum. You have put your knowledge to good use. Thank you. And here is something for you in return. and too for good measure.

OP posts:

JonSnowsWife · 06/12/2017 10:18

You had valid reasons too, those shits weren't your friends.

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