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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How unreasonable was my understandable (in my opinion) behaviour

80 replies

MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 02:54

A memory from 15+ years ago came to mind when talking with a friend last night. Friend and I can't decide whether my behaviour was unreasonable. It certainly was understandable.

I was invited to a co-workers' wedding and was asked if I would collect and drive 2 couples who were coming from out of town and was happy to do so, as we were all friends, until, someone dropped the fact I was only invited so they would save money on taxi fares. Sure I was a little hurt but their behaviour at the wedding hurt the most.

The wedding reception was a cocktail evening, no seating, with waiters coming around with finger food. Everyone stood around in groups of friends. My friends disappeared after a while. I started to feel terribly awkward by myself.

I found a few days after the wedding that the other couples had left the reception to go one of the bars - part of the building but separate businesses to the reception room. After 4 hours and not knowing where they were they were, I was still standing by myself like the proverbial wallflower. I couldn't drink more than a glass or two as I was the designated driver. Wine would have helped me not care!!

So I left, as I felt crap in so many ways, and because I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Left so-called friends to find their own way back to the motel where they were staying.

Would you have done the same as me or not?

OP posts:
Chapellass · 06/12/2017 06:19

They all behaved appallingly to you, you were not unreasonable to leave. Don't waste another minute worrying about it - you did nothing wrong, their treatment of you was callous and unacceptable.

Original poster
MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 06:19

I phoned and spoke to my friend from last night and told her all the lovely people on MN didn't think what I did was wrong and asked her why she truly would not have left. Her reply is that she would not have wanted to let anyone down even if they behaved badly.

So I have a friend that is much nicer and kinder than me - that is good Smile .

Her other comment is that she based her opinion on the person I am now. One that she believed could cope in that particular situation. Maybe I could but I never want to find out.

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 06/12/2017 06:27

You weren't all friends, they made that insultingly clear. I would have done the same as you, OP.

pictish · 06/12/2017 06:37

Ywnbu and in fact, I think what you did was actually quite admirable.

Loads of people would have stood around like a spare part waiting for the others to deign to make a reappearance for their lift home for fear of letting someone down or being seen to be anything less than a thoroughly good egg. The younger me would have done that too. The 42 yr old me would think, "Would any of that lot be standing here like a lemon on my behalf? Would they fuck...so it's goodnight from me." and I'd be out of there.

Your friend says she wouldn't like to let anyone down. But they didn't mind letting you down, did they? Being a doormat doesn't make people like or appreciate you, it makes them wipe their feet on you.

What did the wives of the couples say about it when you all got back to work?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/12/2017 06:40

"Her reply is that she would not have wanted to let anyone down even if they behaved badly.

So I have a friend that is much nicer and kinder than me - that is good"

Nope. You have a friend who is a bigger doormat than you. Well done for leaving - as others have said, the only unreasonable part was that you waited as long as you did!

bimbobaggins · 06/12/2017 06:42

No yanbu, I would have left after an hour of standing around on my own.
The only thing yabu about is to be worried about this 15 years later. Don’t even give it another thought.

CharisMama · 06/12/2017 06:45

They abandoned you in the almost certain knowledge you'd wait for them and still be sober!?

You were obviously too nice back then and I hope you have better boundaries now. The friend who thinks having no boundaries is being a better person needs therapy.

NewPapaGuinea · 06/12/2017 06:56

4 hours! Must have been agony and those people deserved to be "let down"

gleerocks123 · 06/12/2017 07:05

YANBU! Also, how rude of those people to leave the wedding and basically go off and have their own party for 4 hours!

burnoutbabe · 06/12/2017 07:19

The one who was rude was the bride, to say she invited you just to give a lift to others. The others, were rude to the bride by going off elsewhere but probably assumed you were fine with a lift (and not aware you were only invited to give a lift)

Did they ask you ever why you were not there to give you a lift back after the wedding as i doubt they thought you'd be doing that?

Not sure i would have bothered with any sort of evening reception with just finger food and standing around, would have left after I circled and said hello to people you know.

staying 4 hours just seems like torture!

Original poster
MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 07:24

There was no aftermath, that I was aware of anyway, at work.

We all worked in different offices only meeting up for training every 6 weeks or so. The bride left only weeks after the wedding to help in her husband's business and then their marriage disintegrated quite quickly. She didn't keep in contact and there was mutual ignoring with the other two at our training days, then I left the job 6 months or so later.

Last night my friend and I were chatting about awful weddings and so I told her about this one, although the wedding itself was lovely.

Even after all these years, I still felt that I was mean for leaving them in the lurch and wished I could have 'sucked' it up till the end of the night. In reality I had never told anyone until last night and now today and am glad that I have. It is a relief reading all your kind responses.

OP posts:
JonSnowsWife · 06/12/2017 07:32

The friend I was with last night said I should have been the bigger person and stayed and driven them back to motel like I promised

I hate it when people use that phrase to excuse shitty behaviour. No you didn't have to be the bigger person. They should have treated you better. So what if they had to get a cab home?

I dont drive and often refuse lifts as I don't want to come across like I'm expecting one. My Dad gave me a lift home from school in the snow the other day. I still bought him some posh mince pies and some mints as a thankyou as he was going straight to work after. I didnt have to, I just wanted to show him I appreciate his time for us.

If the sole reason for them letting them take you was for the free rides then they weren't really your friends to start with.

JonSnowsWife · 06/12/2017 07:36

P.s the reason I bought him some pish mince pies is because Dad being Dad refuses to take money off me so I know trying to give him some money for the petrol used would be refused.

OP you did absolutely nothing wrong. THEY did, I too hope you have better boundaries, and also better friends now.

LostInShoebiz · 06/12/2017 07:40

YWNBU. I think the fact there is a consensus across the board tells you all you need to know. You were treated appallingly and made the best of it but after a while it became, understandably, intolerable so you did what any reasonable person would do. Don't give it any more of your headspace.

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 07:40

Yeah, that's pretty appalling treatment. I'm not surprised you left.

I HATE people who can afford to, yet don't organise their own transport to and from weddings. I don't mind ferrying people who are broke or need extra help, but a couple of DH's friends - two very decent incomes - are always cadging lifts off us for every wedding, or get-together. They choose not to drive because they live in central Edinburgh. I think they should bloody well get a taxi - they can afford to, it's part of the cost of not owning a car, and people are having to go tens of miles out of their way to get them to stations.

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 07:41

Oops, posted too soon - meant to add, I think you were being exploited, which is unreasonable, so while leaving was not perhaps the right thing to do, it was cancelled out by their behaviour.

JonSnowsWife · 06/12/2017 07:50

whiskyowl my DM had a 'friend' like that in her church. Had their own car, also had adult son living with her who could have also ran her to church, even without the former two things could easily afford to get there (shit rich) and even without any of them could get there under their own steam (no disabilities etc). The church was only a fifteen minute walk away but for some bizarre reason someone would always give friend a lift.

Contrast that with the severely disabled lady on crutches who had to start getting the fucking bus for the first time in twenty years to get to the service. Angry

HotelEuphoria · 06/12/2017 07:54

No, no, no! You were so right, the only inf you did wrong was stay so long. 30 minutes maximum and I would have left. To be honest I a man such a feisty cow I would have left them on the journey there if that was when I found out I had on,y been invited for a lift.

I hope the guilt of being such bitches stayed with them as long as the guilt has for you. Please feel free from any remorse or guilt moving forwards and be proud of yourself for sticking it out as long as you did.

PS Tell your friend she's nuts,

Original poster
MrsCrabbyTree · 06/12/2017 08:22

Ha ha. My friend. I was going to let her read this thread but perhaps won't now. She doesn't deserve any harsh comments ... really. Hmm

Friend is a kind-hearted person but I have never considered her a pushover or doormat.

OP posts:
lynmilne65 · 06/12/2017 08:31

Pigs 🐽🐷

AmysTiara · 06/12/2017 08:34

Your friend may be lying so you think of her as a kind and oh so nice person.

I struggle to believe anyone would think you were in the wrong in this situation.

person.

whiskyowl · 06/12/2017 08:36

JonSnow - it's a kind of entitlement, isn't it? These people are basically off-loading some of their responsibility onto others, and asking that they go without (no alcohol at a wedding) to pay for their choices. I'd do all that in a heartbeat for someone who needed the help physically or financially, but when it's a person who can easily afford it, but prefers to put others out, it becomes galling.

This couple recently asked us to ferry them 10 miles for BIL's wedding. We were actually really busy helping with other preparations (we literally worked a 12 hour, physically gruelling day to prepare the room - hanging some extremely heavy lights, putting out tables etc) but they still asked us to take time out for a lift. We said a big fat NO for the first time, and it was really satisfying. There were plenty of cabs they could take - cost £15 one way - not much on an extremely handsome double income.

Mermaidblue · 06/12/2017 08:45

You were treated very badly, and good that you left. Your friend sounds like a total doormat.

Hope you are not friends with that bride.

RunFatGirlRuuuuuun · 06/12/2017 08:46

Had a similar situation for a party. Found out I was only invited as a taxi while driving 2 couples there in their gladrags. Stopped the car and made them get out.
Better anything than a doormat OP.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 06/12/2017 08:48

I'd have done the same as you op.
After 4 hours I'd probably assume that they'd made their own arrangements and gone by themselves. Awful selfish behaviour of them.
Be the bigger person? Nah, I'm big enough already thanks.

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