To feel so angry and confused

[AlexsMum89]

Bear with me please, I'm probably about to write a long post.

I met DH when I was a single mum with one DS. The step parent situation has always been hard, it's never easy for anyone in that situation trying to work out boundaries and establishing relationships etc.

At the beginning it was particularly difficult and DH would get very angry. I tried to kick him out on two separate occasions but he refused to go and persuaded me we could sort it out.

Fast forward a few years and we are married, own a house and have DC2 on the way. The arguments are less often but his anger is still an issue for me. To give an example, tonight has been typical in how an argument between us goes:

I'm putting DS to bed.
DH - what's taking so long, it's late (imagine angry voice)
Me - we are just saying good night, do you want to cuddle DS?
DH cuddles DS but then starts trying to persuade him to keep the cat on his bed (DS does not want the cat on his bed at night and sleeps with his door shut anyway)
DS, reacting to the anger in his voice looks worried and starts saying he doesn't want him there and he wants his door shut. He stammers and stumbles over his words because he's getting nervous.
DH gets angrier and angrier demanding a proper reason, having a go at him for not speaking properly, being confrontational with DS and accuses him of not trusting us. Basically starts a massive fucking deal over nothing.
I'm biting my tongue not wanting to argue infront of DS but trying to work out how to stop this escalation.
DH turns to me and asks for me to confirm that we never forget anything for DS. I snap because it's simply not true.
I say we forget stuff quite a lot actually, forget when we've offered him a drink or that we've said we will do something etc. I tell DH that he's already pointed out it's late, we don't need this discussion now and tell him I want to finish putting DS to bed.
DH storms off huffing about me not supporting him.
I put DS to bed and shut the door behind me dreading what's coming next. DH accosts me outside the door and huffs and puffs when I ask to talk downstairs away from DS.
Get downstairs and he starts going on about DS not trusting us and that he was 'trying to instil some trust'.
I tell him that I don't think that was the issue at all, I'm making a lot of effort to be clear and calm. Try to explain and he cuts me off. I ask to finish and he says 'No, because you spoke when I wasn't finished'.
I told him I wasn't willing to continue and left the room. He follows to say some snipey things at me and I refuse to acknowledge him because I know from past experience how fast it will escalate and he was really making me angry as well as him being angry himself.

Thank you if you've read to here. I've cut it all down quite a lot to try and avoid being really boring but basically he sounds angry way too much. DS is sometimes afraid of telling him things because of how he will react, I can no longer finish/resolve an argument with him because of how fast it escalates and he ends up just saying stuff that's hurtful and doesn't even make sense.

He tries to blame me, says he only reacts the way he does because of how I make him feel. Tells me I've made the argument bad by walking away or some other reason like telling me he's only angry because I've not told him sooner or something. Tonight he angrily said to me 'why can't we have an argument without you always blowing up?!'.

I don't know if I've really got this across right. I don't know what to do any more. I can't face him tonight, I've gone to bed. I've sent him a message saying how upset I am and told him I don't want to talk to him tonight. I'm already hormonal and fragile today and he knows that.

He is low level angry every day and I feel takes it out on DS. When I step in we have a massive row, I address everything with him and he promises he's taken on board what I've said.

He isn't taking it on board though is he? He refuses couple counselling..

Can I fix this? Please tell me i can fix it

I’m sorry OP you need to get this person out of your bairns life. He’ll be making him feel a lot of anxiety and it’s difficult to reverse later on.

You know what you have to do. This is going to get worse when the baby comes.

LTB

It sounds like he is very controlling and manipulative. He has manipulated you into believing that his anger is actually good intentions and you are just picking him up wrong. This is a complete lie and a tried and tested way to make u back down thinking oh he just meant well that way he maintains control and you second guess yourself. He made your ds stutter by intimidating him and then harps on about trust. Trust is earned not freely given and i wouldnt trust someone who made me that uncomfortable. Clearly you dont trust him either as you are afraid to even voice your thoughts in case it escalates. I have to ask op, the lovely things he does for your ds are the normally after he has made him anxious like this? If thats the case its just another way to control you so you wont think he is all bad. There is no way to fix this. Get out for the sake of your mh and the emotional wellbeing and selfworth of your son.

Sounds like your DH is constantly looking for his next fight and poor DS is easiest victim. What do you think he will be like with a baby around, waking him up at night etc.

He will either be shit to both children or alienate DS even more because he isn't his.

DH turns to me and asks for me to confirm that we never forget anything for DS. I snap because it's simply not true.
I say we forget stuff quite a lot actually, forget when we've offered him a drink or that we've said we will do something etc I'm 😲 at this part of your explanation Op; why are things being forgotten?! ☹

Wow mumsnet at its worst tonight. I agree that dh is emotionally abusing you and you need to get ds away from him yes, but there's no need for the level of nastiness in some of these posts, none at all.
Op, I hope you still feel able to come on and get the support you are clearly looking for. Sending stay strong!!

I feel so sad for your son that I am almost in tears. You need to get out of that relationship OP. That man is causing serious emotional damage to your son.

I read this today "gas lighting" sounds like him...www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-41915425 you stand up to him well but is this how you want to live?

This is an awful situation for you to be in, OP. I get the impression you have been manipulated by this man into accepting his alternative reality, a place in which you stand or fall by his random moods - I too read the article @Jakeyboy1 cites, and it's very relevant to your circumstances.

I don't think it's wise to try to fix the relationship - your emotional wellbeing, and that of your DS, is at stake here - your best option is to remove yourself and your DS from the situation as soon as you safely can. I think once you have distanced yourself you'll see things more clearly, and recognise that you're being manipulated. Sending you strength and positive thoughts .

OP, you have had some awful responses tonight. I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is so easy for posters to tell you to walk away, but you have to deal with the fear and uncertainty of it. Ultimately, from your post, I think that you do need to walk away now. Your son is struggling to cope, as you are. You both deserve better Blaming you for this situation is at best naive and ignorant (and at worst idiotic). You are as much as a victim as your son here. It is hard, but you have made the first step by posting here and recognising that your DH’s behaviour is wrong. Be strong, OP. You have it in you to stand up for yourself and your son

A lot of children with stammers seem to come from violent homes. Very sad.

I think the only way you can fix this is to acknowledge that you've married an abuser and to take steps to remove your son from the abuse.

OP, I'd consider this emotional abuse.

This is exactly how my father spoke to my father. She left him when I was 17. By then some damage had been done and our whole household was afraid and timid to his controlling nature. My father can be a nice guy too- until someone did something out of his control, someone didn't agree, any sort of confrontation... then he'd react exactly how you're partner would.

I'm sorry you've had harsh replies. You don't deserve it. This is your relationship and your life, it's not as easy as just 'getting out.' Your partner is controlling you, potentially more than you realise.

I'd suggest looking into separating. Seriously consider it.

Does he control other aspects of your life? Do you feel afraid/anxious in your own home because of his potential reactions? Do you watch and keep your own behaviour in check to minimise confrontation with him?

Think about it OP.

And for you.

You have some serious stuff to consider. And remember the legal and relationships board should you need advice when you do come to a decision.

I also hope you have some family and friends you can confide in.

*father spoke to my mother

*your

Sorry my post is full of typos

Also this post has highlighted to me just how many people don't understand the severity of emotional abuse.

All this, "I don't see why you don't just leave him," talk proves this! In an abusive relationship- emotional AND physical- there is a major power imbalance, the abused party doesn't always 'see' the abuse, blames themselves, is completely controlled by their partner... Some abused parties will even believe that the reason they are being beaten up, verbally insulted all the time, whatever, by their partner is alright as their partner convinces them so!

So if you understand that emotional abuse can also have devestating effects on a person's self confidence, ability to see their own relationship as reality and understand that what goes on with their partner is not normal, is it that hard to consider the fact that OP has not just 'left' her husband as she is the victim of abuse?

OP is suffering here just as much as the son. Don't blame one of the victims here.

And if you still don't see how bad the effects of emotional abuse can be please do some further research. I say this as a woman who has experienced this firsthand within my family.

Some of these posters are extremely angry and nasty. Funnily enough, just like your DH funnily enough. Not sure you want to listen to people like that.

You are so right ChristmasGrinch. It is no wonder that so many people struggle to leave abusive relationships. It's far easier to blame the victim when you cannot sympathise with the situation they are in

Do you ever wonder what he might be like to your ds when you aren't about to mediate? I would. I would have issues trusting him.

OP, please protect your son (and your unborn child) from this man. Your son is afraid of him and needs you to protect him. There are no redeeming qualities that your husband may have that outweigh the need to protect your child. If you don't, this could have permanent detrimental affects on his life.

This sounds like no way for you to live either, and the stress can't be good for you or the baby. There are organisations out there that can help, including Women's Aid.

I notice you've said that you've tried to end your relationship before but he refused to go. Please don't accept this again.

Best of luck OP. I know this must be an incredibly difficult situation, but you must realise it can't continue and he will never change, even if he agrees to counselling. Things will only get worse for you son, especially when the new baby arrives.

Poor little boy. Being emotionally abused can alter how you see things within your relationship. It can also make it difficult to just leave him.** BUT you can see that it is affecting your son to the point that he is scared in his own bed. You need to do the right thing by your son - even if it is scary and difficult. Your son is totally dependant on you to do the right thing and protect him from all kinds of abuse. I left an ex because of how he behaved towards me in view of my son.....and that was his dad. It was extremely difficult for me for a variety of reasons (no family support, no money, etc.) but my son's welfare was my priority over everything. I say again, poor little boy.

People with anger issues can overcome them yes OP, the key is that they have to ^want^ to and in order for that to happen your DH would have be able to see and admit to his issues. That's your stumbling block because your DH can't/won't and until he does you and your DS will be walking on eggshells waiting for the next outburst.

I'm not going to be as harsh as some posters but I do think you need to look at the effect your DH is having on DS with new eyes. The responses you've had show that other people can see something in your DH's behaviour around DS and DS's reactions to it that you can't, almost like you're blinded by proximity. Whatever else your DH brings to your family it doesn't negate the effect his anger is having on DS, or on you for that matter.

If you take nothing else from this thread I hope you'll think about that. I also hope you'll still feel able to come back if you need support, if you post on the Relationships board there's lots of kind and knowledgable people over there.

OP "Can I fix this? Please tell me i can fix it" You know the answer. If your husband wanted to change he would have addressed this. He doesn't want to change.

He doesn't see any issue with his behaviour and you are walking on eggs shells because you know how irrational this is.

He sounds jealous of your little boy and the time you spend with him.

My son is 7 too.

Please get out and make a new life for you and your children.

As another biological child of an angry man, please protect your son. The emotional abuse and gaslighting fucked me up to the extent that, at 56, I still am convinced that I am about to get into trouble all the time, that I've done something wrong but I don't know what it is.

Please get yourself and your children out of this situation to protect all three of you. It won't be easy but all three of you need to get out. Please try to see the truth rather than what he tells you.

My goodness these fucking angry men have done a lot of damage!

So sorry for you TooManyPaws and all those who have suffered with this.