Bear with me please, I'm probably about to write a long post.
I met DH when I was a single mum with one DS. The step parent situation has always been hard, it's never easy for anyone in that situation trying to work out boundaries and establishing relationships etc.
At the beginning it was particularly difficult and DH would get very angry. I tried to kick him out on two separate occasions but he refused to go and persuaded me we could sort it out.
Fast forward a few years and we are married, own a house and have DC2 on the way. The arguments are less often but his anger is still an issue for me. To give an example, tonight has been typical in how an argument between us goes:
I'm putting DS to bed.
DH - what's taking so long, it's late (imagine angry voice)
Me - we are just saying good night, do you want to cuddle DS?
DH cuddles DS but then starts trying to persuade him to keep the cat on his bed (DS does not want the cat on his bed at night and sleeps with his door shut anyway)
DS, reacting to the anger in his voice looks worried and starts saying he doesn't want him there and he wants his door shut. He stammers and stumbles over his words because he's getting nervous.
DH gets angrier and angrier demanding a proper reason, having a go at him for not speaking properly, being confrontational with DS and accuses him of not trusting us. Basically starts a massive fucking deal over nothing.
I'm biting my tongue not wanting to argue infront of DS but trying to work out how to stop this escalation.
DH turns to me and asks for me to confirm that we never forget anything for DS. I snap because it's simply not true.
I say we forget stuff quite a lot actually, forget when we've offered him a drink or that we've said we will do something etc. I tell DH that he's already pointed out it's late, we don't need this discussion now and tell him I want to finish putting DS to bed.
DH storms off huffing about me not supporting him.
I put DS to bed and shut the door behind me dreading what's coming next. DH accosts me outside the door and huffs and puffs when I ask to talk downstairs away from DS.
Get downstairs and he starts going on about DS not trusting us and that he was 'trying to instil some trust'.
I tell him that I don't think that was the issue at all, I'm making a lot of effort to be clear and calm. Try to explain and he cuts me off. I ask to finish and he says 'No, because you spoke when I wasn't finished'.
I told him I wasn't willing to continue and left the room. He follows to say some snipey things at me and I refuse to acknowledge him because I know from past experience how fast it will escalate and he was really making me angry as well as him being angry himself.
Thank you if you've read to here. I've cut it all down quite a lot to try and avoid being really boring but basically he sounds angry way too much. DS is sometimes afraid of telling him things because of how he will react, I can no longer finish/resolve an argument with him because of how fast it escalates and he ends up just saying stuff that's hurtful and doesn't even make sense.
He tries to blame me, says he only reacts the way he does because of how I make him feel. Tells me I've made the argument bad by walking away or some other reason like telling me he's only angry because I've not told him sooner or something. Tonight he angrily said to me 'why can't we have an argument without you always blowing up?!'.
I don't know if I've really got this across right. I don't know what to do any more. I can't face him tonight, I've gone to bed. I've sent him a message saying how upset I am and told him I don't want to talk to him tonight. I'm already hormonal and fragile today and he knows that.
He is low level angry every day and I feel takes it out on DS. When I step in we have a massive row, I address everything with him and he promises he's taken on board what I've said.
He isn't taking it on board though is he? He refuses couple counselling..
Can I fix this? Please tell me i can fix it