AIBU at SIL wedding?

[WS12]

So my SIL is getting married! It's all very exciting, and it's great as she is the first of four sisters to marry. She's having a spring wedding on the beach (Oct 2018, we live in Australia) and my gorgeous DD will be flower girl and I am going to be a bridesmaid. My DH will be 'mc' on the night (what ever that means?!). But the whole thing is going to be GREAT! And we are all really happy for her (apart from maybe one sister but that's for another thread ha ha). So she's busy planning and she's loving it 😊

But here's the thing, what I want to know is AIBU to just be a bit " 😮 " that she has asked each bridesmaid to buy their own dress priced at $300? I can imagine at some point she may ask us to pay for our own hair and makeup too for the day. I'm going to do it, I'll pay for all my things if I need to as I won't spoil her day or make a fuss. I'll just do it, but I secretly think wow that's a lot of money. And if I'm honest I feel that I am simply making up numbers. I am more than happy to be a guest - in fact that's what I'd prefer really. But they have 5 bridesmaids and 5 'best men' type thing on the other side, and apparently were all going to walk in and dance together etc and I am totally there to make up numbers. If I was an odd number I'd be totally scrapped if you know what I mean. If I have to buy my DD dress too, we'll be well and truely skint!

Also - theyre having their engagement party on Dec 29th and at the party there will be a 'wishing well' and they're asking people instead of buying engagement and wedding presents to put money in an envelope as this will help their honey moon/dream of going around Australia for a bit and also help them... wait for it... PAY FOR THE WEDDING! Sorry about shouting capitals, but wtf?! I'm already buying my own dress and now you want your guests to pay for your wedding?!🤣 Is it just me or is that crazy? My friend had a wishing well at her wedding reception and asked for money for their honeymoon is Vegas, but that was after the actual wedding. So we will be expected to put something in at the party and again at the wedding - what are other people's thoughts on this? She is my DHs youngest sister, but isn't it all a bit expensive for family/guests. I'm thinking anything less than $50 isn't acceptable, more like $100 each time....

The bottom line is I don't think they can afford a wedding so soon. My MIL even suggested waiting until 2019. They've only been engaged a month.

What are your thoughts?

You should tell her you don't want to spend so much on the wedding. There is nothing wrong with saying that at all. Tell her you are happy to help but the costs will be too high to pay for the dress etc etc. Work out how much it might cost you and show her the figures.

Dear SIL, I love you dearly & would like for it to remain that way,
This is why I am retiring from my role as BM, I can't afford it, I don't like the dress & I can't dance. I want to enjoy the day & honestly wouldn't if I was stressing over paying my rent.

Could you ask the bride to be if it's possible for you, to remain a guest, so that you can give your attention to your daughter, who is very thrilled, to be a flower girl. It is a ridiculous expense for you, a dress you'll never wear again, and don't like, also you're making up numbers.
You'll have a lovely time, from the outside looking in.

If they don't have anywhere to live yet, how is that being financed?

If people can't afford a wedding then they should wait until they can afford it or they cut their cloth accordingly and do it all on the cheap. It is absolutely not okay to ask other people to fund your dream wedding.

I have no issues with giving money or vouchers as a wedding present. In fact I requested this myself for anyone wishing to give a present. We used any money we got to buy a lovely wooden side table that we really needed to finish off our home. We funded the whole wedding and honeymoon ourselves (with a generous donation from my parents) but our bridesmaids and ushers etc didn't have to spend a penny in their outfits or hair.

I would not attend an engagement party where I was requested to give money of bring my own food and I certainly wouldn't be a bridesmaid if I had to pay a lot of money for things I had no choices in.

She sounds like the type of person who will want all the dresses after it's over and will sell them to recoup some money..... For herself......

Quite

Just say no.

To be fair to the bride and groom it would be unfair of you to be agreeing to all of this stuff without telling them that you are unhappy about it. If you keep agreeing to things then why would they think you were feeling pissed off. They can't read your mind.

You either have to be honest with them or do it without complaining (I KNOW that's easier said than done 😉)

I'm Australian, and I have NEVER heard of a wishing well at an engagement party! Some people have them at weddings, but it's generally considered pretty tacky

Completely agree.

This is an interesting thread. I'm to be a BM for a friend who moved to Oz and the costs are piling up- we're looking at c.£700 at the moment, the bulk of which is two night's accommodation at the plush venue of choice. I was surprised about having the pay for the dress myself- we weren't even told we'd have to pay, it was only because I asked in the bridesmaid chat group what the dress budget was at the shopping stage, and one of the aussies replied "Whatever everyone is comfortable spending"

I had assumed it was an Australian thing but had heard conflicting reports on whether it was or not. Luckily she took me up on the suggestion that we try some dresses from a high-street chain and we chose a £70 option from there, but at one stage they were looking at these multi-way wrap dresses in bridal stores at $300-odd a pop. Clothes are pricey in Oz at the best of times, never mind when you take into account the wedding mark-up. She wasn't keen when I linked her to an etsy listing of the exact same style at £40 because that store didn't stock the weird stone/poop colour she'd spied. Bearing in mind she was BM for me this year and the only thing she paid for was shoes (which she had free reign to pick or use ones she had) and knickers, the fact she hasn't thought to pay £350 to cover her bridesmaids' dresses just blows my mind. That's buttons in the grand scheme of the wedding she's planning.

OP, use the TTC excuse and skip it. It's perfect.

I think it's okay to ask bridesmaids to pay for their dresses BUT they have to have some say in what they're buying and the cost. My bridesmaid (I had one) bought her dress. We went to the dress shop together, she tried on lots of them, and picked the one she liked. We had a general colour scheme (like it was pretty much it could be one of about 2-3 colours), but as she was paying for it, I let her choose the exact dress, colour, and obviously cost. I think what she got ended up costing around £60. I paid for hair and make-up though and actually technically my family paid for her accommodation (she stayed with my parents and two other close family friends in a holiday cottage for the weekend, my parents covered the cost of the cottage for all of them as they were traveling quite far to attend the wedding).

As for the asking for money for the wedding, would you get them an engagement present anyway? Honestly, I think the whole engagement party thing is kind of tacky, but I know people do them. If you would otherwise get them a present to celebrate their engagement, then just make it money. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying we'd prefer cash gifts to some random junk on a registry. Some people have everything they need already and actually I think it's perfectly polite to let guests know you don't need anymore stuff, but would appreciate monetary gifts towards whatever. I don't think it matters what they aim to spend it on. I think it's maybe a bit cheeky expecting gifts at all for an engagement party, but there will of course be older family members who will want to give them something. I think that's fine. But if you wouldn't bring an engagement gift anyway, I don't think you need to, or you can assume your gift is you are covering these costs to be in her wedding. Let grandparents and aunts/uncles give some money in cards if they want, but I wouldn't stress about it. And be honest with her about cost if they start adding up and you truly aren't able to do it.

Is it an Australian thing to expect guests to cover more wedding costs than you normally would in the UK? My mum lives there and she's been to weddings where guests are asked to cover the cost of their meal beforehand (price included in the invite). She was a bit taken back at first!

Pretty insensitive of the bride though. Make sure you get a dress you want if you're going to pay all that money, OP!

saritah No!! I would be horrified! I have never, ever heard of this.

I would probably suck up paying for the dress, after selecting a style I actually like!

I would not contribute further, I’d put a nice card and message in the wishing well as I’d already be contributing by buying the dress or dresses if your paying for daughter’s.

Also I’d try to check out the hen do and if expensive I’d just say I couldn’t do that weekend due to prior commitments.

Can you get pregnant that way you have a out
If can't do that
Gain or lose a lot of weight so dress does not fit on the day .
And remember you daughter is going to grow a lot in year so don't buy her dress till nearer the time.

It’s early days. Just pull out now with regret but absolute finality. If it’s even a possibility consider using a possible pregnancy as an out. Or just be straight and say that you’ve had a look at the costs and simply cannot afford it. Be firm and clear and only just regretful.

And be aware of the future, you mention she is the first of four daughters to be married. You need to get tough very quickly. Or consider remortgaging.