Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU at SIL wedding?

91 replies

WS12 · 04/12/2017 04:34

So my SIL is getting married! It's all very exciting, and it's great as she is the first of four sisters to marry. She's having a spring wedding on the beach (Oct 2018, we live in Australia) and my gorgeous DD will be flower girl and I am going to be a bridesmaid. My DH will be 'mc' on the night (what ever that means?!). But the whole thing is going to be GREAT! And we are all really happy for her (apart from maybe one sister but that's for another thread ha ha). So she's busy planning and she's loving it 😊

But here's the thing, what I want to know is AIBU to just be a bit " 😮 " that she has asked each bridesmaid to buy their own dress priced at $300? I can imagine at some point she may ask us to pay for our own hair and makeup too for the day. I'm going to do it, I'll pay for all my things if I need to as I won't spoil her day or make a fuss. I'll just do it, but I secretly think wow that's a lot of money. And if I'm honest I feel that I am simply making up numbers. I am more than happy to be a guest - in fact that's what I'd prefer really. But they have 5 bridesmaids and 5 'best men' type thing on the other side, and apparently were all going to walk in and dance together etc and I am totally there to make up numbers. If I was an odd number I'd be totally scrapped if you know what I mean. If I have to buy my DD dress too, we'll be well and truely skint!

Also - theyre having their engagement party on Dec 29th and at the party there will be a 'wishing well' and they're asking people instead of buying engagement and wedding presents to put money in an envelope as this will help their honey moon/dream of going around Australia for a bit and also help them... wait for it... PAY FOR THE WEDDING! Sorry about shouting capitals, but wtf?! I'm already buying my own dress and now you want your guests to pay for your wedding?!🤣 Is it just me or is that crazy? My friend had a wishing well at her wedding reception and asked for money for their honeymoon is Vegas, but that was after the actual wedding. So we will be expected to put something in at the party and again at the wedding - what are other people's thoughts on this? She is my DHs youngest sister, but isn't it all a bit expensive for family/guests. I'm thinking anything less than $50 isn't acceptable, more like $100 each time....

The bottom line is I don't think they can afford a wedding so soon. My MIL even suggested waiting until 2019. They've only been engaged a month.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
WS12 · 04/12/2017 06:43

Yes bless her I think she wants a bit fairytale - on the beach! Which will be gorgeous. But IMHO I think she needs to save a bit. They haven't booked anything yet, let's hope my MIL can convince her to wait maybe just a bit longer. Or else yes I can see us all footing the bill, which we undoubtedly will, but not at all that convenient.

OP posts:
Piewraith · 04/12/2017 06:43

She is being rude because in Oz the couple pay for the bm and gm s outfits.

As for the wishing well though, no need to get uptight about that. Just because they have one, doesn't mean you need to put in a big gift or indeed any gift. Like all gifts it's optional. If you want to put in something small like $30-50 that would be fine, or just give them a card. Presumably the wishing well will be for people who didn't already spend $300 on the wedding.

MidniteScribbler · 04/12/2017 06:47

As an Australian, the phrase you are looking for is 'yeah, nah'.

Piewraith · 04/12/2017 06:48

Neither of my bm s gave me any type of gift or even a card for my wedding, and I paid for their dresses, hair and make up and I didn't have a hens party. They wore shoes and jewellery they already had. Which was fine by me so I'm saying you can do that too and I'm sure SIL will be fine with it.

OliviaBenson · 04/12/2017 06:50
  1. say you can't afford the dress.
  2. of course you will be expected to pay for DD dress/hair/makeup/shoes/hen. Can you afford that?
  3. don't contribute to the wishing well. Just bring a dish.
Maelstrop · 04/12/2017 07:02

Just say you've thought about it and you don't want to be bridesmaid. Nicely, obviously!

Splinterz · 04/12/2017 07:06

No idea if this is culturally acceptable in Australia or not.

Groovee · 04/12/2017 07:10

When my sister moved to Oz she had to buy her own dress for being a bridesmaid.

CocaColaTruck · 04/12/2017 07:11

This can only get worse. Call a halt to the cheeky fuckery now.

HuskyMcClusky · 04/12/2017 07:13

Strange. I’m 43, have been a bridesmaid 3 times, and grew up in Aus. Have never heard of a bridesmaid paying for her own dress.

Only1scoop · 04/12/2017 07:16

Don't be a Bridesmug in her show

SandyY2K · 04/12/2017 07:21

Your SIL clearly can't afford to get married yet. There's far to much asking for money from others.

I'd decline in the nicest possible way and offer to help with something else... that isn't a financial contribution.

feska5 · 04/12/2017 07:24

This happened to my DD. Her friend who she met at university asked her to be one of eight bridesmaids. Turned out DD had to pay for her own dress, shoes, hair and makeup. Also had to attend the 6 day hen do in Spain. Apparently as a bridesmaid she couldn’t possibly refuse to go - even though she didn’t want to. Then there was a gift of money towards the honeymoon! All in all apart from using precious holiday time her friends wedding cost my DD around £1500. The bride was extremely controlling. My DD ended up feeling slightly resentful and I was flabbergasted by the expectation of her friend. In my opinion if you can’t afford it don’t do it or cut your cloth accordingly. Old fashioned maybe? My advice would be for you and your DH to speak to your SIL about your concerns. I think you say you would feel better just concentrating on your DD enjoying being a flower girl. If you don’t say anything you won’t enjoy the day and will have spent a fortune. Your SIL is expecting too much. My DD still feels stung over a year later.

TittyGolightly · 04/12/2017 07:28

You aren’t happy about it but every post is about you acquiescing to these ridiculous demands.

Tell the stupid cow to fuck off!

burnoutbabe · 04/12/2017 07:29

how can she have organised all this, bought dresses and yet NOT BOOKED A VENUE?? Thats madness.

Just use the "i am trying for DC2 and may be pregnant so I'd best decline".

Going along with any of this is madness. You'll have a $300 dress and the wedding may not even happen!

Coughingchildren5 · 04/12/2017 07:32

Been there before with another sister and the costs kept mounting. Buy your own dress, pay for your make up... I ended up paying for other sisters who couldn't afford it... It was a nightmare.
Now I have a SIL wedding next year abroad where it will cost us 2k just to turn up. Headache. I hate these weddings where the happy couple defer the costs onto their family and guests.

justilou1 · 04/12/2017 07:35

Sounds like you're going to be easily contributing over a grand by the time she's done. This is too much. Perhaps you should talk to her (or even better, get her parents to) about how the more traditional members of the family (like yourself, of course) may see this as cheekyfuckery.

expatinscotland · 04/12/2017 07:39

Then back out of being a bridesmaid and flower girl. FFS, just say, 'Sorry, no, can't afford this.'

whiskyowl · 04/12/2017 07:46

I had a similar situation in the summer, with a total bridezilla. It was an absolute nightmare. I not only paid for my own dress, but for my own hair and makeup (which cost £100 - not my choice), plus a present (£300), plus 4 nights of accommodation in London and meals out. It was absolutely fucking ridiculous and ended up costing over £1500 and the person in question just behaved in the most entitled and selfish way throughout. Given that she is a millionnaire who could easily afford it and I am not, I ended up feeling pretty resentful about the whole thing. To make matters worse, the other bridesmaid was flat broke, and ended up creating excuses not to come out for things because she simply couldn't afford it - cue tantrums from the bride, who showed a near-total lack of empathy and understanding for this woman's plight. I had to remind her at one point that this woman has been with her through thick and thin, that her father is dying, and that she deserves better from a friend.

Honestly, I left the whole wedding realising that someone I'd been friends with for years had changed and was no longer a person I really wanted in my life.

flashheartscanoe · 04/12/2017 07:46

My DH flew to Australia from the UK to be best man at his friends wedding and they still expected him to pay his own suit hire. Had to be that suit, couldn't bring his own. Apparently it was all right because they bought the tie!

whiskyowl · 04/12/2017 07:47

Ooops posted too soon - meant to add: DON'T let this happen to you! Speak up early, manage expectations, and if there's a tantrum walk away.

expatinscotland · 04/12/2017 07:57

STOP enabling these people. Just tell the truth now, 'We've crunched some numbers and this is beyond our means. So we won't be able to be bridesmaids/go to the hen do/give you cash for your wedding.' And yes, to your own family, too.

Only1scoop · 04/12/2017 08:01

Whiskyowl

That is awful

Do these BTB's just become more entitled by the second?

I couldn't have my friends out of pocket and making such a huge fuss.

I feel embarrassed on their behalf.

FlouncyDoves · 04/12/2017 08:05

£300 for the dress and £100 for the make up etc is your engagement and wedding present combined. By paying that you’ve already paid towards their wedding.

I’d put a card in the ‘well’ (such a shit idea) and explain in there. Or in person.

Appuskidu · 04/12/2017 08:07

I'm hoping hen do things will come under the payment of my MIL and eldest SIL who is the head bridesmaid.

Really-you think they are going to pay for everyone?! I think you are kidding yourself if you think that.

You seem to be desperately hoping that your MIL will persuade her to postpone and save, but why should she when she has people like you agreeing to fund the wedding for her! Explain that you can’t afford it-that will give your MIL some ammunition to say-‘WS12 can’t afford it!’

If you poke up with it but your mil tries to get her to postpone, SIL can say-but why? people don’t mind paying, WS12 is happily paying for her dress!

You will also need to add DD’s dress, shoes for you both, hair and make up, large hen night costs, hen night gifts, covering the cost of the bride’s hen, clothes for your DH etc etc