AIBU at SIL wedding?

[WS12]

So my SIL is getting married! It's all very exciting, and it's great as she is the first of four sisters to marry. She's having a spring wedding on the beach (Oct 2018, we live in Australia) and my gorgeous DD will be flower girl and I am going to be a bridesmaid. My DH will be 'mc' on the night (what ever that means?!). But the whole thing is going to be GREAT! And we are all really happy for her (apart from maybe one sister but that's for another thread ha ha). So she's busy planning and she's loving it 😊

But here's the thing, what I want to know is AIBU to just be a bit " 😮 " that she has asked each bridesmaid to buy their own dress priced at $300? I can imagine at some point she may ask us to pay for our own hair and makeup too for the day. I'm going to do it, I'll pay for all my things if I need to as I won't spoil her day or make a fuss. I'll just do it, but I secretly think wow that's a lot of money. And if I'm honest I feel that I am simply making up numbers. I am more than happy to be a guest - in fact that's what I'd prefer really. But they have 5 bridesmaids and 5 'best men' type thing on the other side, and apparently were all going to walk in and dance together etc and I am totally there to make up numbers. If I was an odd number I'd be totally scrapped if you know what I mean. If I have to buy my DD dress too, we'll be well and truely skint!

Also - theyre having their engagement party on Dec 29th and at the party there will be a 'wishing well' and they're asking people instead of buying engagement and wedding presents to put money in an envelope as this will help their honey moon/dream of going around Australia for a bit and also help them... wait for it... PAY FOR THE WEDDING! Sorry about shouting capitals, but wtf?! I'm already buying my own dress and now you want your guests to pay for your wedding?!🤣 Is it just me or is that crazy? My friend had a wishing well at her wedding reception and asked for money for their honeymoon is Vegas, but that was after the actual wedding. So we will be expected to put something in at the party and again at the wedding - what are other people's thoughts on this? She is my DHs youngest sister, but isn't it all a bit expensive for family/guests. I'm thinking anything less than $50 isn't acceptable, more like $100 each time....

The bottom line is I don't think they can afford a wedding so soon. My MIL even suggested waiting until 2019. They've only been engaged a month.

What are your thoughts?

I think thwe key issue is what is the cultural norm in Australia. In the US I understand the bridesmaid would typically pay for their own dress, generally not in the UK.

I suspect the SIL hasn’t really thought through how people will perceive the entire ask if she perceives each part of this as a reasonable request.

Sorry OP but you are way under estimating how much this will actually cost you. This is stuff they've asked for and it's only a month in. Couples like this will end up asking for loads, things like:

• Make-up/hair/shoes plus your DD dress, hair, shoes, accessories
• Hen do somewhere far away for 4 days and you have to pay for the bride and all the meals and drinks for the bride. Plus the same for the stag (Bucks in Oz?)
• 2 nights hotel near the venue
• A dinner out a couple of nights before with the bride where you pay
• Rehearsal dinner? is that something common in Oz? You'll probably have to pay for something then too

Plus your sanity.

All these bridezillas make these demands because everyone around them enables them. If potential bridesmaids and guests were more assertive and stood up to them they just wouldn't ask in the first place.

WS12 put your big girl pants on and just say that the way the expenses are mounting up you are unable to afford to be a bridesmaid. It really isn't difficult. Don't let her guilt trip you into doing anything you can't afford.

And why does she need 5 bridesmaids? Does she want a "wedding" or does she want to be married?

You are being extremely naive about the costs and are underestimating just how much she will bleed you dry by the time the wedding comes around.

What does your husband say?

I think thwe key issue is what is the cultural norm in Australia.

Not this. Unless it’s among some demographic that I’ve never come across or mixed with (thank fuck).

OP, just say no.

only1scoop - I think it's something about the attitude of "This is MY SPECIAL DAY, it is all about ME" that triggers something in selfish, narcissistic people. I think sometime that they are almost deliberately trying to test people's boundaries, because they feel somehow that they have an incontrovertible right to be appeased by whatever means necessary over the wedding. I think that kind of person also tends to be a bit of drama queen, maybe even enjoying the tension created by escalating and unreasonable demands.

If it were happening again, I'd say "no way" to being her maid of honour. I should have taken a stand much earlier. But, in a way, I feel like the £1500 cost was a bill to find out what she was "really" like. And I didn't like the person I saw at all.

Remember you do have a choice here op. If you can’t afford it, offer to bow out as it’s too much $$$. Give a little money as gifts if you like, but don’t spend more than you’re comfortable with.

I’d probably offer to pay for DD’s dress and say you’d rather be on hand as a guest to herd flower girls, (a la DoC), instead of dancing down the aisle.

Right. Listen carefully to those telling you that you haven’t even seen the whole tip of a very pricey iceberg yet. Assume it’s at least double what you’re imagining now, and that you’re going to end up soooo resentful of the happy couple you’ll be glaring at them across the xmas table for years.

You will never spend so much for so little fun in your entire life (or until his OTHER THREE SISTERS try to outdo each other with their weddings).

Get out now, use that fab excuse about TTC. In fact, start by saying that the dress style she’s picked for you won’t easily lend itself to being altered for your ENORMOUS belly and GREAT VEINY BOOBS OF GODDESS WOBBLINESS come next Oct. Cos you checked with a dress maker, right?

Just let that percolate with her for a few days, then drop in that you are already decorating/changing the nursery for the next bub. Wink and say how excited you are that both of you will be able to share such a momentous 2018, creating new life and... um... her party. Won’t it be fun that her hens and wedding will be the first parties your Bub ‘attends’, even if in utero, and how you’ll be able to show him/her the HUGE BELLY in all the wedding pics when he/she grows up. Again, allow to percolate.

One week later ask if she’d prefer you gallantly stepped back in favour of one of her ‘party girl/instagram worthy’ friends?

Think how cool it will be to sit at the wedding as a mere guest, be entertained, be actually happy for them, wear whatever you have, take loads of fun pics of your dd in her frock, and basically live your thrifty life on your own terms for the next 10 months. Eye on the prize, lovvie.

Don’t get outraged, get out of it.

I'm in the UK and my SIL wanted me to do this. I was expected to pay for my daughter's bridesmaid dress and mine. I told her I couldn't afford both, and suggested my daughter be bridesmaid and I gracefully back out of it. The dress was not my taste at all, and I could never have worn it again. My daughter was young - 4 - and I didn't want to stop her as she was desperate to do it, but felt £70 for hers was affordable. However, £170 for a dress for me that I would never wear again was not. She wasn't happy. but there was no way round it, imo

You come across as a bit of a people pleaser. Believe me, your SIL will take full advantage of that and milk you for every penny unless you put your foot down now.

BTW - I just read about someone who made their MOH clean their house and cook for their first anniversary dinner... Because that's what "Maid" meant.

@justilou. And the MoH actually did it? That bride sounds like an out and out bully.

justilou - my bridezilla made me cook dinner in her home and wait hand and foot on her, the groom, and four other guests!! I paid for all the ingredients, did all the work, and did the washing up afterwards.

Your SIL gets to dictate what you wear if she pays. If she can't pay, you all agree on something very inexpensive.

You sound lovely. I'm proposing a swap: just for the next few months, how about you be my SIL (and therefore bridesmaid at my wedding), and my SIL can be bridesmaid at your SIL's wedding .

I'm paying for everything for my SIL being bridesmaid (rightly so), including dress, shoes, wrap, handbag. And she's still insisting on her own way (e.g. "SIL, which of these 25 handbags would you prefer?" "None, don't like any of them, I've chosen this completely different one")

I'm Australian and I've always paid for my dress and shoes when I've been a bridesmaid (3 times). My bridesmaids did the same, however I picked an $80 dress that could certainly have been worn again if they wanted and I paid for hair and make up. I think it's fairly standard to pay for your own dress here, but expecting someone to pay $300 is ridiculous and you should definitely say something to her before it gets completely out of hand.

Noooooooo! Yanbu. If the bride wants a fairytale wedding, the bride should pay for it. I cannot believe these ridiculous stories of brides that insist everyone else should cough up. So damned entitled! MIL is right. Is there any way of talking your concerns through with her? What happens if they don't get married after everyone has paid over at the engagement party? Do you get a refund? I would give something personal at a value to suit instead of money every time. If asked, and I have been, I respond "I prefer to gift than to finance". Before buying a dress you hate at a price that is ridiculous, ask her if she is expecting you to cover your DDs dress too. Expect this to change. If yes, be aware you will also need to cover shoes, engagement party, hen party, accommodation, dh's shirt, ds's outfit etc. You are looking at a huge bill for this. For one wedding that is supposed to be about two people in love not what they can get out of it. DH needs to grow a pair and say, thanks but no thanks, too pricey for us.

Oh, bloody hell! The MOH cleaning, how totally stupid ! I'd have used the f word here for sure! And I don't use that word.Just say 'no' now, try it ;you will feel much better. Years ago people didn't do all of this;the bride often wore her Sunday best frock, the groom wore his suit and the wedding was just a ceremony in church. White weddings are a very recent invention and now seem to be a whole industry in themselves. Don't get me wrong, if people can afford it ok, but too often they can't and sometimes end up in debt too. I agree with others I think you are likely to be getting into a lifetime of her taking advantage if not careful.

Isn't there going to be some mega-expensive hen do you're expected to contribute to as well?

I would bow out now, it leaves her plenty of time to find a fifth bridesmaid to make up the numbers for her Thriller flashmob or whatever it is she has planned.

Back out now OP. As a previous poster has already said, this is one of four sisters, can you imagine the "fun" they may have trying to outdo each other. Enough of this fuckery, just say Nooooooooooooo.

If you're happy not to be part of the bridal party can you maybe say to SIL that you really can't afford the $300 dress (& any other potential costs associated - shoes, make up, hair etc) which is something you wouldn't be wearing again (plus your DD's dress on top) so although you're honoured to have been asked, after much consideration you're going to have to politely decline. That way you're not being a bitch saying I'd rather be a guest & if she then offers to pay for the dress for you, you're at least not out of pocket.

It’s pretty normal in Australia to pay for your own bridesmaid’s dress. Some wealthier brides will pay for their bridesmaids.

Wishing wells at weddings is completely normal but not for engagement parties, albeit engagement parties are much bigger than in the UK.

I’d be more surprised by a cash bar in Australia than a wishing well. Different countries, different customs.

My best friend asked me and 2 others to be bridesmaids. She found a designer and took us to get measured up, etc. She chose the colour and fabric, although we had a say about the style. As we were ready to leave, she said, so that's £250 each. If you'd prefer, you can just leave a deposit today.

I regret to this day the fact that I smiled and asked the designer if she had a chip and pin machine!!! The others (one was her sister) didn't seem surprised at all. If they had, maybe I'd have been more likely to speak up.

She's no longer my friend, for many reasons!!

In Chinese weddings guests give an Ang Pow (red packet) containing money rather than wedding gifts. As a rule you tend to put in the Ang Pow an amount roughly covering the cost of your meal at the wedding dinner. So the idea of the wedding gifts off-setting the cost of the wedding is entirely understood and acceptable - the Chinese are refreshingly up front about money matters! My DH is Chinese so at our wedding in Singapore we had a mixture of wedding gifts and Ang Pows.

I think you need to learn to say the word 'no', maybe practise in front of the mirror. I like the MN concept that no is a full sentence. (I'm speaking to myself as well, BTW, I'm also a people pleaser.) If you don't say that you can't afford it then your SIL will think it's ok to expect people to fork out that much. Your MIL thinks it's excessive as well, you should back her up on this.

Stuff like this boils my piss.
If you want to get married, either wait until you can afford the wedding you want, or live within your means and have a wedding you can afford, don’t get the frankly embarrassing begging bowl out.
Shanful.

I'm Australian, and I have NEVER heard of a wishing well at an engagement party! Some people have them at weddings, but it's generally considered pretty tacky

Honestly, just tell her you don't want to be a bridesmaid. It sounds like your MIL will back you up.