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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being on my phone

82 replies

Marissa2727 · 03/12/2017 22:29

Have been watching Tv with DH and he has gone off in a massive sulk because I have been on my phone some of the time.
He told me off several times for being on my phone during the programme. He then got more and more angry and ended up shouting at me several times.
It's not like I do this every time we watch tv together, just tonight I felt like doing that. I can't help feeling like I haven't done anything wrong though! He just turned the light off in the lounge while I am in here stomped off upstairs shouting get off your f*ing phone now. He also had a go at me because I didn't eat all of my dinner. I feel like this is a bit too controlling.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 04/12/2017 07:21

Your DP doesn’t have to be physically assaulting you to be abusive.
Being scared to sleep in the same bed because you used your phone and didn’t eat all of your dinner is no way to live.
Tell him he frightened you and see how he reacts. If he is surprised and regretful then he probably didn’t realise how he came across but I bet he isn’t and he blames you for making him behave that way.

lalliella · 04/12/2017 14:34

OP he was being abusive and controlling. You were scared of him and making excuses for his behaviour. This isn’t right. You shouldn’t be justifying the behaviour. Much victim blaming going on on this thread.

midnightmisssuki · 04/12/2017 14:43

the phoen thing we both do - it does get annoying if done all the time, because, as some pp have said, you miss vital parts then the other person has to fill you in. If its a oone off - i dont see the issues.

The shouting about food is not ok - how old are you - 12? hes being rude. You eat what you want and leave as much as you like. Thats controlling and thats what i would be worried about the most.

Queeniebed · 04/12/2017 14:48

There might be something going on in the background. If this is normal from him - think about your relationship. If its a one off he might be projecting and if I were you I would be asking him if he is ok. Something might have happened in his personal life or at work. Its not ok that hes snapped at you but both my DH and I have done this and snapped at little things and its always an indication of an underlying problem that we then talk about (bad day at work etc)

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 04/12/2017 16:12

Thanks for the responses, there is a lot to think about. He's not always controlling but can be about some things. I honestly don't think it's due to an underlying desire to control me and be 'abusive'. I think he can just be set in his ways and stubborn about things. If something isn't going exactly how he pictured it then this annoys him a lot. For example, he generally likes to be in bed before a specific time. If I said I would be in bed after him he would not like this and would throw a strop. There wasn't any trigger for him yesterday, he is stressed with work at the moment but has been like that for a while.

OP posts:
CupOfFrothyCoffee · 04/12/2017 16:48

If I said I would be in bed after him he would not like this and would throw a strop

Not a hope in hell would I put up with that. Tell him to behave himself and grow up.

LexieLulu · 04/12/2017 16:54

Wow? Sounds like you're constantly treading on eggshells

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 04/12/2017 16:54

@CupOfFrothyCoffee I do say this to him that he is acting like a stroppy teenager. Although actually teenagers may behave better, maybe more like a toddler tantrum!

OP posts:
Cracker09jacker · 04/12/2017 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 04/12/2017 17:22

Marissa "I think I might sleep down here tonight feeling a bit scared and uneasy by it all."

He is shit. He makes you scared, he shouts at you, tells you what to do and what to eat?

What do you get out of this infantiliszing relationship?

Italiangreyhound · 04/12/2017 17:25

"He is a nice person" He's not. He's controlling and cruel. I think he sounds really scary.

Tell him he scared you, if it is safe to do it, and see what he says. My guess is he will blame you.

Italiangreyhound · 04/12/2017 17:28

"He's not always controlling but can be about some things. " He doesn't have to be controlling about everything to be controlling though.

I've not been in an abusive relationship but I think someone who has might tell you this, is textbook...

"If something isn't going exactly how he pictured it then this annoys him a lot. For example, he generally likes to be in bed before a specific time. If I said I would be in bed after him he would not like this and would throw a strop. There wasn't any trigger for him yesterday, he is stressed with work at the moment but has been like that for a while."

So he want's you in bed by a certain time and you don't think that is controlling?

He is stressed at work and taking it out on you, but that is OK?

OP Good luck. It's not OK!

Andrewofgg · 04/12/2017 17:38

If we are watching TV together neither of uses the phone - if it's a mobile whosever it is goes out, if the landline rings I usually answer because I sit nearer it and whoever the call is for goes out.

If we are not watching live the other will usually pause it.

Wolfiefan · 04/12/2017 17:56

I am set in my ways and stubborn.
I must have tea in the morning.
I like a late night coffee to wind down.
I sleep with two pillows.
To name but a few.
BUT if anyone told me I couldn't have or do those things then I wouldn't lose my shit and make my partner feel scared.
It's ok to like things a certain way. Not ok to bully people into getting things your way.

MrMeSeeks · 04/12/2017 18:00

It can be annoying when people are on their phones,however throwing a strop and yelling is not right.
You're a grown woman and can do what you want.
As for controlling your bedtime, not a chance would I stand for that.

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 04/12/2017 18:07

I know he is a bit controlling sometimes but my ex was actually abusive and was far worse. I knew his behaviour could be considered a bit out of order but judging by responses on here it is definitely more than most people would tolerate. I'm quite surprised by this

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 04/12/2017 18:11

Really? You're surprised that most people consider it wrong to be scared of their partners?
I think your past relationship has messed with your ideas of what is and isn't acceptable. Just because he doesn't hit you it doesn't mean he's a good guy.

IsItThursdayYet · 04/12/2017 18:15

Saying he won't buy more if you're not going to eat it is very different from "controlling what you eat".

Original poster
Marissa2727 · 04/12/2017 18:19

So still some mixed views on here. Not sure what to think.

OP posts:
Badbadtromance · 04/12/2017 18:27

Op run for the hills. I've been in an abusive relationship and this has sent shivers down my spine. Especially the bit about having to go to bed as the same time as him

Wolfiefan · 04/12/2017 18:32

Have you done the thing that I think is called the freedom course? Following abuse.
Hoping someone more knowledgable comes along to correct me.

YouTheCat · 04/12/2017 18:37

Just because he's not as bad as the last one doesn't mean he isn't abusive.

I'm stubborn. I moan if things don't go how I imagine they will. I can be a stroppy bugger but I'm not an abusive twat who takes things out on my family.

Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2017 17:54

@Marissa2727 where are you seeing mixed views?

My guess is that the people who are not shooting about himbrinh abusive, and are talking about phone usage are the people who only read the opening post or have not twigged that you said :
You were afraid of him
He controls or attempts to control the food you eat (how does he do that?)
He controls or attempts to control when you go to bed

Honestly OP of you feel safe to do so please tell him he made you fearful and see how he reacts.

Flowers a genuinely nice guy should be upset and embarrassed he made you afraid.

Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2017 17:56

Shouting about him being abusive, I mean!

Catfriend1978 · 05/12/2017 17:58

My husband always been doing that - he has 5 fantasy champions league going. I'm the same since I have the iPad.

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