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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why I never get chatted up?

80 replies

Southerntimesx · 03/12/2017 18:10

Went on a night out with two friends last night, and my best friend once again was chatted up by a man who's asking her out for a drink today. She seems to get chatted up and 'pulls' on every night we go on.

I, on the other hand, never ever am. Men never introduce themselves and never try to talk to me. I've been single for nearly ten years. I've had FWB situations with existing friends but never have anyone interested on nights out. It doesn't bother me too much but what is the key? How do some women have men flocking to them on every night out while others never get a hello? At risk of sounding arrogant I think I'm relatively good looking so I don't think it's my looks putting men off, but it's definitely something.

OP posts:

Serialweightwatcher · 03/12/2017 19:50

DingleBerries - you classy, intelligent knowall

JustWonderingZ · 03/12/2017 20:11

OP I was the same. Remember well how it felt. Have been happily married for 13 years now, but if I ever found myself single again, I would imagine I will struggle to pull. I think it is the vibes a woman gives out, friendly, approachable, easy to talk to kind of vibe. To my annoyance and sadness, I have always been the type to make a guy feel intimidated and not feel the courage to approach me. Funny it never put my DH off, he is very chilled and can handle it all rather coolly. People used to tell him to his face I am out of his league and I am not gonna stick around. Well, they are certainly wishing they bit their their tongues now, our three children later and 14 years together.

When you meet the right person, you know it. FWIW we didn’t meet on a night out, we got chatting online first, just being a name on the screen (not OLD), we spoke to each other on the telephone, and only met in person a few months later. And it felt right straight away. Pure chance getting talking to him online.

I know it is disheartening, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter how many men hit on you, it is not the numbers game. It is often luck when or whether you meet the right guy. You may know and talk to hundreds of men, none of whom may ever touch your heart. Good luck and all the best

mercurymaze · 03/12/2017 20:18

i always found it easy to pull when i have long highlighted hair and was pissed alot. men are so fickle.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/12/2017 20:22

I've always sworn the magic formula is being blonde, size 10 and 5'4"!!

That describes my popular friend Rebecca

It also describes me . . .

goose1964 · 03/12/2017 20:35

I'm fat, don't usually dress up nicely,and getting on a bit. I've also been married for nearly 30 years and still get chatted up. No Idea why. Unless it's turning boobs

goose1964 · 03/12/2017 20:36

Turning I meant big

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 03/12/2017 20:44

A lot of men are intimidated by good looking woman.
Also I had a friend who was very 'free' with boys and my male friends said it was obvious that she was 'up for it'. I couldn't see what she was doing to make them think that but many guys said this without even knowing her. Men know these things!!!! X

Littlegreyauditor · 03/12/2017 20:47

I think you should go on the date with your oldest friend, since he has asked. See how you see him in a different light.
I would say that though, I’m married to my best friend, and needed a bit of a set up situation to fully appreciate the possibilities.

BelleandBeast · 03/12/2017 21:00

I'll bet you your friend is looking round the room, making eye contact, smiling and maybe twirling her hair.

Men are simple creatures they like to know they are liked and will be welcome.

Original poster

Southerntimesx · 03/12/2017 23:04

Thanks justwondering. It doesn't bother me as such, it just intrigues me how some people get so much attention and others none.

Anyway I've just asked her herself what she does and she claimed not to know, then said 'I just look around to see who looks nice and start talking to them'. I asked how she gets them to talk to her, and she says sometimes she smiles at them and sometimes she starts the conversation. Not once in all these years of nights out with her have I ever noticed her being the one to strike up a conversation or looking around for people but apparently she does. She also tells me I give men who approach me 'dirty looks'. I wasn't aware any men did approach me never mind dirty looks! It's very strange.

OP posts:

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 03/12/2017 23:07

Regarding the friend you don't fancy....sometimes it's worth going on a few dates OP. I did that and ended up having a three year relationship with him.

I didn't fancy him at first but as we got more intimate, closer...then I did.

wibblywobblyfish · 03/12/2017 23:07

I'm tall and overweight and I always used to be chatted up when out. I'm quite a smiley person and laugh a lot when I'm a bit pissed. I would say I'm average looking. My only recent 'victory' was being asked out on a date when I was on a bus home from work. To be fair he was quite drunk

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 03/12/2017 23:08

Just read your update...there you go then. She's looking around openly...which is like a signal, that she's up for chatting. Especially if she's smiling at men she likes the look of.

Original poster

Southerntimesx · 03/12/2017 23:17

Can that work then Cheap, growing to fancy someone? The last year or two of my last relationship was sexless because I stopped fancying him and I don't want to end up in a situation like that again. And yes - her answer seems simple and obvious. I can't work out what I'm doing on nights out while all of this is going on. Chatting inanely to her while she pretends to listen probably

OP posts:

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 03/12/2017 23:26

Hi op- I often get chatted up, I've been told I'm pretty etc and have amazing eyes, they are a very unusual blue and a lot of people assume they're contact lenses.

However, I'm a size 18 which a lot of men don't like and do not consider myself attractive at all. The one thing I would say about myself though is I am extremely chatty and friendly and this seems to be how I attract somenutters men.

Fake it till you make it I say.
What is ironic with me is that I'm in a happy long term relationship but when I have been single I hardly ever got chatted up- go figure!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 03/12/2017 23:31

It can work OP....if you get to know someone very well but it's an old-fashioned sort of thing in a way and wouldn't work for everyone.

I'm 45 and two of my previous long-term relationships were born of friendships which developed romantically.

In both cases, I knew the man was interested in me romantically but I didn't fancy them. So I remained open minded and let them know that I was open to romance but not quite ready.

This meant they kind of "wooed" me for want of a better word and in both cases, I did develop attraction for them.

I'm married now but I sometimes think of those exes and I did have very deep feelings for them due to the time spent getting to know them before taking things further.

BadLad · 03/12/2017 23:42

It must be horrible to be a man approach a woman in a friendly way only to be knocked back.

Not really - it can just be shrugged off. Most women do the knocking back nicely, some do it curtly - you've just got to go back to your friends and let them take the piss for a bit. It's far worse to let fear of being knocked back stop you talking to anybody at all.

I agree with previous posters that the OP probably just doesn't come across as approachable as her friend. Next time you're out, watch other people in the bar / club, and see if you can spot which ones look approachable and which ones don't. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what it involves, but it's definitely there.

Or, as someone else said, take the bull by the balls, and start talking to people yourself. Some people will say that men don't like to be approached - that they like to do the chasing themselves, and get turned off if the tables are turned - but I don't know any men who actually think that way, so I'd say it's quite rare.

Original poster

Southerntimesx · 03/12/2017 23:52

Hmmm, that's something to ponder Cheap. He's a friend I've known since school and we've always stayed in touch but last year he and his girlfriend broke up so we've seen a lot more of each other this year. He's been a great support at times when someone else (FWB man) should've been. Maybe I will start 'dating' him and hope I end up being physically attracted to him. Sometimes I think I'm only attracted to men I can't have!

OP posts:

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 04/12/2017 03:04

See this is why I think FWB is a swizz. It's just shagging and no support isn't it?

A real friend...someone you've got to know over time, is often the best bet relationship wise.

Peanutbuttercheese · 04/12/2017 03:13

I also get chatted up a lot by men by men but I give off some kind of vibe that means babies always smile at me and people always and I mean always talk to me. My sister is the same though the other sisters in my family do not get this happen to them.

Hayleynwl · 04/12/2017 03:24

I think the key is to be approachable. One of my friends who is lovely says approaching a girl in a bar is terrifying as he knows he will likely have to roll out a silly joke or observation to break the ice. Just look like you'll give them a chance

daisychain01 · 04/12/2017 03:47

Think of it like this OP, do you really want to be treated like you're in a cattle market, and feeling like you've got men eying you up and picking the one they think looks best?

I used to be in the situation you're in now, but with the benefit of hindsight the friends I hung around with were happy to snog someone they'd just about said hello to at the local night club, but it made me feel sick at the thought of sharing my saliva with someone whose surname I didn't even know. They got the "prize" normally a twat who couldn't string a sentence together, and I got to head home without some idiot on toe.

Maybe a controversial view on here, but my point is you aren't losing out, and you shouldn't feel a failure just because you don't get picked in the cattle market. It doesn't make you less beautiful either!

daisychain01 · 04/12/2017 03:57

I find it depressing that women feel they have to make themselves look or be a certain way to "get chatted up". Like men are bestowing something on women that they feel they have to "earn".

georgie262 · 04/12/2017 07:28

I'd say it's definitely eye contact. Noticing if someone is looking at you, looking back, smiling, looking away. I have a friend who is the same, she definitely encourages the attention, just very discreetly. I on the other hand sigh loudly whenever anyone approaches my table. 😉

Missedboat · 04/12/2017 07:38

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