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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my kids their Great Nan has died?

19 replies

DO3271 · 02/12/2017 19:40

So the kids dad and I are seperated. He rang this morning to say his Nan had died (they were close) and he is off work now for a week to be with his family and will see the kids next weekend.

This year the children have dealt with my Gran dying, their dads mum dying and though this won't seem as serious, the much adored family cat dying. Also me and their dad seperating. I just don't have the heart to see them upset again. They visit their dads family every other month. They were there last weekend.

So, AIBU to postpone telling them to the new year? Christmas contained no plans to see her so there would be no changes. Their dad wants to tell them, that would be next Saturday. Just feels so awful to break bad news close to Christmas after so much loss and when they seem to be gettin back to normal. They are 6 and 8

OP posts:

Mishappening · 02/12/2017 19:40

How well do they know this lady?

StripeyDeckchair · 02/12/2017 19:42

Yes
Presumably they will talk to other family members, particularly over Christmas, somehow they will find out.
Then they'll not trust you to be honest with them.

honeycaramelbiscuitfudge · 02/12/2017 19:42

I understand not wanting to upset them, but I do think you need to tell them. If they know her well they have a right to know and if not it won't be too upsetting.

mustbemad17 · 02/12/2017 19:45

I'm guessing you told the kids about your gran passing? Unless his gran was someone they didn't have a relationship with you'd be very unreasonable not to tell them.

Firenight · 02/12/2017 19:46

Of course you need to tell them.

greennailvarnish · 02/12/2017 19:47

Not sure how you could stop their dad from telling them. It's very important to him.

Original poster

DO3271 · 02/12/2017 19:47

They were fond of her. Never really asked after her but would chat about her after returning from a visit.

Seems it may be best to tell them then. I just hate seeing them so upset, I suppose that trying to prevent that is clouding my judgement

OP posts:

imokit · 02/12/2017 19:48

If your ex was close to his gran, and is seeing the kids next weekend he may be a bit sad/quiet and the kids will know things are up.
Ask him if he wants to tell them himself (either on the phone or next week when he sees them) or if he wants you tell them for him.

mustbemad17 · 02/12/2017 19:49

It's shit when you have to tell kids about a death. But not telling them will cause more damage in the long run

Original poster

DO3271 · 02/12/2017 19:52

You are all right. I certainly don't want to give out a message that his Nan meant less than my Gran.

I appreciate your perspectives, I will ask him if he wants me to tell then or he does.

OP posts:

Welshmaenad · 02/12/2017 19:52

I didn't tell my children when my ex husbands Nan died, and I was very clear with him and his parents, especially his mother, that they weren't to mention it either.

DC didn't know her, hadn't seen her since DD was tiny (don't think DS ever met her) and she wasn't a topic of conversation. They had literally just lost my dad, and my mum not long beforehand, and didn't need to be distressed by being told they should be upset about the death of someone they didn't know.

I should point out that MIL is a grief vampire and would have wept and wailed and demanded much sadness from the DC had she been allowed, and they had simply been through enough already. She was given the option not to phone them for a while if she didn't feel able not to mention it.

Angie169 · 02/12/2017 19:54

depending on your / their views perhaps tell them that the two grans have died but are looking after your cat together 'up there' .
I think the longer you hide the the truth the harder it will be to tell them.

When I was small we had a heaven photo album ( we were not at all religious )

in this we all picked our fav photos /letters of them that had died and put them in the album.
This included family, friends, pets and even famous people that we really liked .

We could look though it and ask questions about the people in it. mum and dad were always honest about them been dead but encouraged us to talk about the memories .

ineedamoreadultieradult · 02/12/2017 19:58

I really wouldn't not tell them, after all it isn't really your decision to make anyway as it was their Dads Nan not yours and they will see many members of her family over Christmas it would be pretty hard to make sure they all kept it secret.

I had a similar situation last year with DH's Nan dying on the 20th December. My boys were 10 and 7 and I had a similar dilemma about ruining their Christmas but we told them explained why people they saw at Christmas time might be upset etc and they were fine.

BrizzleDrizzle · 02/12/2017 20:00

I really think you need to tell them, the only decision to make is whether you tell them or whether their father wants to do it - can you talk to him civilly to make a decision?

Sorry that your DCs have had a difficult year.

RavingRoo · 02/12/2017 20:04

If you don’t tell them and they found out they won’t trust you, and you may find they begin to keep things from you. Perhaps tell them when you all have some time together - answer questions honestly.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 02/12/2017 20:06

Death is a fact of life, they will have to get used to it I’m afraid, so hang fire. Tell them later, knowing now won’t make any difference.

Bluetrews25 · 02/12/2017 20:16

At times when they have had a lot of upset, a little more might not be hugely noticed, sadly.
Had similar myself - once you reach a certain point, the rest is hardly going to make a difference. Get it all grieved for as soon as possible! Don't prolong the agony.
Sorry for all your losses.
And losing a much adored pet is a huge issue.

PumpkinPie2016 · 02/12/2017 20:17

Personally, I think you are being very unreasonable on this. Yes, they will be upset but it will be worse in the long run of you don't tell them now.

They will certainly notice her absence when they visit and excuses as to her whereabouts cannot be made forever.

Hard as it is, death is something we have to deal with.

Original poster

DO3271 · 02/12/2017 21:12

I certainly wasn't planning on never telling them! I have had less than half a day to think on this, I was just hurting for them. Its horrible telling your kids something else bad has happened, its draining. They have had to process 4 losses this year.

I have sent their Dad a message. Asking if he would prefer me to tell them or if he wants to.

OP posts:

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