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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed dd never gets any recognition.

82 replies

3nonblondedd78 · 02/12/2017 14:35

So Dd1 is a lovely girl; really kind and helpful, works hard and does well in academic subjects. However, she is quite quiet and unassuming so never really gets noticed.
She is rubbish at sport and drama although she tries her best.
I have just noticed that every year the students who get the most praise points are the sporty ones and those who get the leads on the school plays etc. They are also good at academic subjects too though.
I know it means nothing long term but it would just be nice if she was noticed for once. Even in Primary it was the same.
Aibu

OP posts:
grannytomine · 02/12/2017 19:40

Yes academic children are not supposed to be publicly praised in case it demotivates those who are not academic. But this philosophy does not apply to anything else Oh yes and you can turn it around as well as my daughter was frequently humiliated by PE teachers, told she was useless, pathetic etc but no one would say that to a child who was bad at maths.

I did actually complain about one teacher who seemed to take great delight in humiliating her, this was primary school. I told her the next time she told daughter she was pathetic at sport I was going to tell her to stand up in the next maths lesson and say that about the child who got the lowest marks. The teacher was horrified but it did slow down the abuse.

EvilTwins · 02/12/2017 19:46

Why for being in a school play, you get the applause so why do you need points as well? because you have to turn up to rehearsals in your own time, whether you're the star of the show or at the back in the chorus. The effort deserves praise. The commitment deserves praise. The hard work deserves praise.

Original poster
3nonblondedd78 · 02/12/2017 19:52

Yeah she never got rewarded for being in school plays either. Although those with bigger parts did get rewarded. (Chocolates one year) The only person who seemed to recognise the work of the ensemble, they had to learn all the songs, was a fellow actor. All the accolades go to those with main parts.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 02/12/2017 19:55

I worked in a school ten years ago that changed their merit system. Every six weeks teachers gave grades for behaviour and attitude to work. Thise grades were changed to points and there was a scoreboard if you will. The top percentage got prizes. So the children whi consistently do as expected, getting As for behaviour and attitude always won. The quiet kids who under frequeny used merit systems would otherwise go unnoticed. I miss that system.

Original poster
3nonblondedd78 · 02/12/2017 20:01

It's a bit more than a sticker mrsharry. The school makes a big thing out of reaching these milestones. Dd never does it in time.
Sounds like a fair system count. At least it creates a level playing field. One of her teachers has promised her and other students loads of points but she idoesn't think anyone got them. Yet a student doing another option could have a teacher who has a different criteria.

OP posts:
JeremyCorbynsBeard · 02/12/2017 20:04

Did you mean "pissed off"?

grannytomine · 02/12/2017 20:06

because you have to turn up to rehearsals in your own time, whether you're the star of the show or at the back in the chorus. The effort deserves praise. The commitment deserves praise. The hard work deserves praise. Why do you think hard work and commitment to academic work doesn't deserve praise?

Original poster
3nonblondedd78 · 02/12/2017 20:07

Yes. Damn auto-correct.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 02/12/2017 20:08

msharry, I didn't say he'd actually done it. He told me how easy it would be to do. And when you watch what goes on in a lot of classes with a lot of children, that is exactly what happens.

blueshoes · 02/12/2017 20:19

How about just not getting detentions.

Original poster
3nonblondedd78 · 02/12/2017 20:34

blue she has never had a detention in her life. Whatever gave you that idea?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 03/12/2017 13:33

Why for being in a school play, you get the applause so why do you need points as well?
because you have to turn up to rehearsals in your own time, whether you're the star of the show or at the back in the chorus. The effort deserves praise. The commitment deserves praise. The hard work deserves praise

I don't agree with that though EvilTwins - and dd, as we speak is rehearsing for a production at her school in the Spring. She goes to the rehearsals because she enjoys them. She enjoys the whole experience of being in a production. Yes, that includes the applause on the night but it is also enjoying singing and dancing, and making different friends and the camaraderie , etc. I wouldnt expect someone to get praise points for that. They are already lucky enough to be able to take advantage of the drama teacher's hard work in arranging this and running it for them.
It's back to intrinsic rewards again. We should all be bringing our dc up to do things for the satisfaction of doing things well, and the enjoyment that results in.

Original poster
3nonblondedd78 · 03/12/2017 13:41

My Dd used to love being in school productions. She would audition for small parts but always ended up in the ensemble. Hence why this year she prioritised an academic after school activity.
Although tbh I don't think she ever received praise points for being in a production.

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 03/12/2017 19:04

BackforGood we'll have to agree to disagree then. I think that commitment deserves recognition.

EvilTwins · 03/12/2017 19:05

Sorry hit post too soon.

Or are you saying that DC should only be rewarded for doing things they don't like doing?

Brightredpencil · 03/12/2017 19:43

My children fall into both categories. One who cannot move for being awarded a trophy/winning something / getting the lead role etc etc and the other who is more arty but unremarkable. I probably go a little over board in mentioning my arty one to people a bit more (especially when she can hear) so she is fully aware of how she is valued. They're both absolutely gorgeous children in their personal qualities (polite, kind, hard working) and it's these I mostly dwell upon in praise.

wrenika · 03/12/2017 19:57

The way my parents would put it (both of whom are retired teachers), those who are consistently high performing don't really need a recognition...you've got your good marks, your successes ongoing through each year onwards towards the end of school and further education...where as those who are achieving something they wouldn't normally achieve, do need recognition. That made sense to me. I was consistently high performing and never got anything...I was quiet, and I just got on with it. What I got out of that, ultimately, is my good job and pleasant life!

BackforGood · 03/12/2017 20:14

What wrenika said.

In a way eviltwins, yes. I don't consider being given the opportunity to play in a sports team or to be part of an orchestra, or to get a part in a school production something that you then need to get some extrinsic reward for. It is a wonderful opportunity in itself. the "reward" for that effort is playing in the team / scoring the goal / performing in the concert or play.

EvilTwins · 03/12/2017 20:47

I don't think that works in a school show, unless the audition process is such that not everyone gets a part. In shows I've directed, everyone gets in - so we've had 60+ taking part. I think it's fair to show DC that, in life, commitment gets rewarded.

Perhaps it's dependent on the school though. The last school I taught in, rewards were important. Lots of kids never got praise or recognition from home.

My own parents were similar to wrenika's, and I learned, early on, that success is its own reward. But then, my parents were always happy to praise my sister and I for our efforts and achievements. In a school where DC don't get any recognition from home, it doesn't hurt to overdo it in school.

Original poster
3nonblondedd78 · 03/12/2017 21:17

At least she does gets lots of praise at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
3nonblondedd78 · 03/12/2017 21:21

Evil she has never had a speaking part bar in KS1.
Last year she pulled out of auditioning for last remaining speaking part as she knew the other girl was really upset about missing out on other parts.
This child is one of high achievers but doesn't have a big part in latest production.

OP posts:
Oblomov17 · 04/12/2017 08:04

You keep posting OP. But not actually responding to anything anyone has posted. I feel like I'm being talked AT.
You've had very good advice.
So?
What are you going to do?

claraschu · 04/12/2017 08:14

If schools got rid of all awards, house points, praise points, etc, and had a deeper commitment to sharing the intrinsic joys of each subject with each child, I think the world would be a better and happier place.

I think all of these reward systems are ultimately destructive to people's sense of purpose, joy in learning, and self esteem.

bluebell34567 · 04/12/2017 08:23

all the children should be praised for what they are successful at. it motivates them.

Rinceoir · 04/12/2017 08:23

I was a very academic child/teen. All through school my efforts and achievements were never praised while children talented at art, music and sports were constantly praised. In fact in my first year of secondary school a lunchtime supervisor would taunt me constantly around my peers for being a “brainiac”. (Luckily I was relatively self assured enough to realise she was an idiot!).

It can be demoralising. I was always relied upon to help the weaker students or narrate the school play but certainly felt ignored by most of my teachers.

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