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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge argument with Db- aibu?

65 replies

Generallyok · 02/12/2017 13:32

Db grew up being very close to each other. Over the years our lives have taken very different paths -he has a very successful high earning job and I am a sahm. I have tried to keep up a relationship with him- invite him to my kids birthday parties, school plays etc. today I called himad in am concerned about our mum. She is under alot of pressure looking after her own mum. I raised my concerns but he threw it back in my face saying I give her extra demands as she does help with my kids but I don't think too much and she offers rather than I ask her. He then went to say he thinks its strange i expect him to go to my kids parties etc. this has really hurt me as I don't want him to feel obliged just thought it would nice to have a relationship with my kids. He said its too much and he doesn't know anyone with this relationship with family. I have never once in 10 years asked him to babysit etc. aibu?

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 02/12/2017 13:34

No, he sounds odd.

Ellisandra · 02/12/2017 13:36

Honestly, when I read the first half I thought - why the hell would he want to go to young child parties?!

I think your nice for inviting him, but I think it would be unusual for an uncle or aunt without bringing a child to want to come. The child is busy with their friends, he wouldn't know the other parents, it would likely be pretty dull!

That said - his reaction to you was rude.

Worth having a little think yourself though whether you are adding to the pressure on your mum - sometimes kind people offer but the best thing to do is save them from themselves and say no!

fricative · 02/12/2017 13:37

All my siblings and DHs are invited to things like children's parties. Not school plays.

If your Mum's busy with your grandmother then maybe you need to consider her offers of help. There's a difference between offering and really wanting to sometimes; there's also a difference between wanting to and being able to easily manage.

As a SAHM, it isn't like she's helping when you're stuck at work.

Both of you are a little unreasonable.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/12/2017 13:37

I do think it is odd to invite him to your children's birthday parties. They are usually just for their friends aren't they?

Do you invite him over on other occasions?

Also, I don't think men in general are as interested in their nieces/nephews as women are. I am far more interested in our nieces and nephews than OH is. In fact I don't think is is the least bit interested at all. I think you need to adjust your expectations here.

HRTpatch · 02/12/2017 13:39

Another one who thinks it's odd inviting him to parties.

uokhunni · 02/12/2017 13:42

Parties and school plays? YABU. You sound like you're trying too hard and "including" him in a pitying way. He's probably just snapped after years of it.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 02/12/2017 13:43

It's hard to know who IBU without knowing how much your Mum helps you out but assuming it is more than occasional babysitting then he has got a valid point, especially if you are a SAHM

My BD didn't start a family til 8 years after me even though he is older. He doesn't live locally but I wouldn't have expected him to want to come to my DC birthday parties etc even if he did.

BadPolicy · 02/12/2017 13:44

My aunts and uncles were always invited to my birthday parties as a kid. Some times they would come, sometimes not. It would depend if it was convenient for them I guess. I don't see that it's odd to invite them. Odd for him to feel obligated though.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 02/12/2017 13:49

School plays and parties for an uncle is OTT.

If my sibling called me to say our parent was under caring pressure but offloaded her children for care to the same person I'd have responded as he did. Given you don't work you don't need childcare and could also ease her burden but instead you feel your brother should step up!

Lizzie48 · 02/12/2017 13:49

I do think it's odd inviting him to children's parties, although he could have politely declined IMO rather than speak rudely to you like that.

Some uncles do love their nephews and nieces, my DH and DBILs definitely do and are very hands-on as well. But it must have been clear that your DB wasn't really that bothered about your DC, and that you were trying too hard.

Re your DM, I think your DB has a point. If she is very busy looking after her mum you should consider whether you're being unreasonable in accepting her offers to babysit. Maybe just do visits for the time being,

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/12/2017 13:51

If your mum is a carer for her own mum,and looking after your kids that’s a lot
Maybe being sahm you need to cut your own mum some slack,reduce her watching your kids
It’s up to him if he wants to attend kids parties,I think it’s nice you ask and include him
Perhaps give it a day or two,cal, him ask what’s on his mind.does he want to talk

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 13:54

Aunt and uncles have always been invited to dcs b’day parties Confused
They are free to say No. they also free to explain why wo making it an issue or hurting their sibling.
And none was expect8ng him to come. It was just an invite.

The way the OP is worded, it looks to me like the dbro is feeling like he is going to be asked to step up to help with his dmother and doesn’t want to.
So he is going onto attack mode, telling the OP it’s all her fault.
I’m not sure whether it is or not.
The Op’s Mother might well really enjoy looking after her dgc. He might do that on a very occasional basis when she wants to rather than when she is forced to (due to guilt etc...)
Or the OP might be taking the piss.

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 13:56

Btw, looking after your dgc can be a real pleasure for some people. It canactually amke a wry Nice change from looking afetr an elderly!
No one on here can say wo any hesitation ‘looking after the dgc is too much’
It might be that woman breath of fresh air. It might happen only in a very occasional basis.
I would be careful to judge tbh.

Viviennemary · 02/12/2017 13:56

I think it does sound fairly normal behaviour from a man. They don't usually enjoy kids birthday parties. A lot of women probably don't either but feel obliged to go. (don't know what that means but still) And he has got a point re your Mum. If she has her own Mum to care for and does extra work doing childcare for you then I don't see exactly what you were expecting your brother needs to do. As an SAHM you do sound a bit over-involved in your own world. Not everyone's world revolves round home and children. Your brother just has different interests to you. But he could be a bit more sensitive about it all.

missyB1 · 02/12/2017 13:56

If he had never wanted to come to the parties all he had to do was speak up and say no. Accepting the invitation then whining about it later is pathetic it's not odd to have invited him if otger members of the family were attending as obviously you wouldn't have wanted him to feel ignored or left out.

As for your worries about mum, you should have been able to have that conversation with him without him using the opportunity to bring up his issues with you.

I would leave the ball in his court now and concentrate on helping your mum out.

Italiangreyhound · 02/12/2017 13:56

Your brother is rude and a dickhead, sorry.

I went to my nephew's parties when they were young and I value my sister and my relationship with her family.

I also expect your mum enjoys seeing her grandkids more than looking after her own elderly mum.

My guess is your brother has chosen not to marry or have kids and is chasing his own high paying career. I hope it keeps him warm in his old age.

Engage directly with your mum, make sure she does enjoy helping with your kids and it doesn't burden her.

Encourage her to get help for her mum, claim all allowances (does she get carers allowance?) And if your grandmother really needs full time care your mum can help her access it.

Caring for elderly relatives is very hard, different to looking after kids. Make sure your mum knows all the options.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/12/2017 13:57

You’re contributing to your mothers stress by getting her to watch your kids
You know your mum is under stress,you called dB about it,so reduce the time watching kids
Some of the carer stuff your mum does can you help eg online groceries delivery?

I think the invite to parties,plays etc is a red herring here,issue is your mum stress and carer role

museumum · 02/12/2017 13:57

My MIL cares for her elderly mother and is struggling with it. But still she begs to have my ds for a day - he really cheers her up and distracts her from worrying about her Mum.
Having a grandchild over is nothing like caring for an elderly parent.

Original poster
Generallyok · 02/12/2017 13:58

Thanks for everyone's replies. It's good know if i am out of order. I don't think I made it clear that I do alot for my dm in return. Cook lots for meals for her, shopping etc and do alot for grandmother too to ease pressure. She spends time with me and kids rather than her look after them but my Db doesn't see it that way. I will take on comment about invites though.

OP posts:
Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 13:58

Attending kids birthday parties seems odd to me but each to their own.

How often does your mum look after your kids? Is it a legitimate concern?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 02/12/2017 13:59

If it’s a two way thing with your Mum, that’s fine.

Italiangreyhound · 02/12/2017 14:00

Viviennemary their not her is not an 'interest' that the op has and her brother doesn't share in. Regardless of what the OP does with her time , the mother is related to both of them.

Italiangreyhound · 02/12/2017 14:01

Sorry mother not not her!

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 02/12/2017 14:02

Were you expecting your brother to do something to take the pressure off your Mum?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/12/2017 14:02

Get a carer assessment for mum,apply for any eligible benefits
Hope all works out and your mum is ok
Do call your bro ask what’s on his mind,try have calm conversation