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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge argument with Db- aibu?

65 replies

Generallyok · 02/12/2017 13:32

Db grew up being very close to each other. Over the years our lives have taken very different paths -he has a very successful high earning job and I am a sahm. I have tried to keep up a relationship with him- invite him to my kids birthday parties, school plays etc. today I called himad in am concerned about our mum. She is under alot of pressure looking after her own mum. I raised my concerns but he threw it back in my face saying I give her extra demands as she does help with my kids but I don't think too much and she offers rather than I ask her. He then went to say he thinks its strange i expect him to go to my kids parties etc. this has really hurt me as I don't want him to feel obliged just thought it would nice to have a relationship with my kids. He said its too much and he doesn't know anyone with this relationship with family. I have never once in 10 years asked him to babysit etc. aibu?

OP posts:
Hulder · 02/12/2017 14:10

How old are your kids? Invites to first birthday party yes. But after that isn't it for their friends.

School plays - I really would rather not go to my nieces' school plays and I love them v much. It was bad enough that I agreed to watch their ballet show DVD and I had to watch the whole fecking show, not just the 5 minutes they were in. Didn't fall for that the following year, made sure I had the remote

It's hard to turn these things down without upsetting people. The year we forgot the date of a birthday of a 3 yr old who prob didn't care anyway we got firmly told off by SIL and MIL. We had a wry smile 2 years later when they forgot ours Grin

I think your DB has a point. Also if you are worried about your DM having too much on her plate, her doing childcare for you seems an obvious thing to mention. It may not really be like that but how is he to know that if he isn't there? And the version your DM tells him may sound v different to yours - skipping out the fact she offers and that she isn't really doing childcare but making it sound more like an important chore and yet another thing on her overwhelming schedule.

GreekGod · 02/12/2017 14:12

Also believe this is fairly normal for a man and a brother to react in this way. I think he is just worried about your mum also and its come out all wrong. Kids are exhausting and I also believe you are contributing to your mum's stress where she is looking after your kids also. Maybe you should back off from your mum for a bit especially as you are a SAHM and/or help with your grandmother. Seems the brother feels obliged to go to parties rather than wanting to be there.

Julie8008 · 02/12/2017 14:15

I have 3 brothers and they have never attended a single one of their nieces/nephews parties or school plays. Grow men aren't that interested in other peoples children.

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 14:18

Op, I see your side but also his. He wouldn’t feel “in place” going to your children’s birthday parties especially if he doesn’t have a relationship with them in the first place. That would indeed be weird. Adults and relatives coming to kids’ parties are usually the parents of the other kids and very close relatives (grandmother or an aunt or uncle who spends a lot of time with you and your kids, or one of your friends who spends a lot of time with you and your kids to help you out). A more casual getting him around your kids, just you and him and them, would be the first step, not a party.

Also, your mom. He may see that situation as you having your mom always helping you, and she has always been more involved with you instead of him, and that you have cultivated that (he feels) so he may have an underlying resentment when you ask him to do something. That’s what his reaction sounds like. He may even see you as manipulative when that may or may not be the case. Don’t try to make him do these things he doesn’t want to do. Personally, I do not like it when people try to arrange other people’s lives to revolve around themselves. You are probably not doing this and you sound reasonable but just saying this may be your brother’s view.

HumphreyCobblers · 02/12/2017 14:20

I don't think it is at all strange to invite an uncle to a child's birthday party.

I bet the OP does more for her mother than the brother does.

TheNaze73 · 02/12/2017 14:20

I see your DB’s points here

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/12/2017 14:26

I bet the OP does more for her mother than the brother does op doesn’t work and gets free childcare from their mother
He works ft in a pressured job.
It’s simply not comparable. The op is adding to the tasks their mum takes on
The brother isn’t asking their mother to take on tasks for him.hes not adding to stress
So maybe op does more,but she certainly gets back too.

DPotter · 02/12/2017 14:27

I’m not sure why most posters have criticised you OP, I’m with Italiangreyhound here. I think it’s lovely you have invited your DB; he can always decline the invitations. It’s this type of thing that keeps families linked, not just Christmas, weddings and Funerals. I agree there should be no compulsion to attend, but it’s good to include.
As for babysitting for your children, your DM’s grandchildren- I can quite see it would be more pleasurable than caring for a frail elderly parent.
I’m going to assume your DB sees caring for children and parents as ‘women’s work’. Maybe you can ask him to pick up some more ‘manly’ responsibilities, eg checking DM’s and DGM’s financial situation. Alternatively and depending upon your relationship, tell him he’s a prat and reassure him there will be no further invitations - to anything. Oh and tell your DM as well.

diddl · 02/12/2017 14:29

I can see both sides.

I think it's lovely that you invite your brother-assuming that other family are there.

As is often said on here, it's an invitation not a summons.

He's perhaps reading it as a demand/pity rather than a FYI, this is happening if you are interested iyswim?

I wonder if your mum feels that if she's not with her own mum she should be helping/doing rather than just having time to herself?

It does sound as if he isn't interested.

Did he show any concern about his mum & GM at all?

RedSkyAtNight · 02/12/2017 14:31

I too think it's odd inviting a man with no children to a kids' party. If you want him to form a relationship with your DC, this also isn't the best time- do you ever invite him over just during the day /evening when it's just your family?

I don't know the dynamics of your situation but I do know lots of example where the GP provide childcare, find it too much and don't like to say for fear of letting their DC down or upsetting them. It is possible that your mum might have been complaining to him?

IslingtonLou · 02/12/2017 14:31

Just give him the space that he’s asking fir

IslingtonLou · 02/12/2017 14:31

For*

wednesdayswench · 02/12/2017 14:32

I would find it a bit OTT to expect an uncle (without DC of his own) to attend birthday parties and School plays. Now that he has spoken up about it I reckon it's time to stop inviting him, leave the ball in his court.

Perhaps have a heart to heart with your DM about whether she feels she looks after your DC too much (has she complained to DB and this is why he raised it?) you are in a very fortunate position as a SAHM that you aren't reliant on her for childcare so can easily cut it back if she's finding it too much.

2017RedBlue · 02/12/2017 14:34

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Hatsoffdear · 02/12/2017 14:35

It’s do difficult to judge op but got to say it’s pretty bad going to plays and parties that your own child is in but I would rather rip my arm off than go to those of nieces and nephews. Grin

I think he may have felt you were pressuring him to help your mum in some way or he felt criticised by you and bit back. Also if he’s stressed at work he might need some slack.

Have a calm conversation telling him you are sorry if youupset him and that you love him. See what he thinks about your mum and listen to him.

And stop the invites.

Hulder · 02/12/2017 14:36

FFS don't tell your DM about this. You would just be creating a drama triangle of he said, she said.

You need to have an adult-adult relationship with your DB which isn't compered by your DM. That will only rake up old childhood jealousies and keep you forever in child-mode.

Also your DM is a grown adult. You can help her but you can't parent her. If she wants to run herself ragged she is perfectly entitled to do so.

wednesdayswench · 02/12/2017 14:36

Just read your update saying the time your DM spends with your DC is visits together with you instead of her actually looking after them on her own.

DB is completely BU questioning whether those visits are too much for your DM.

LemonysSnicket · 02/12/2017 14:37

I go to my cousins kids parties (i have 13 cousins) let alone my own siblings! Of course people go to family do's, what an odd man.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2017 15:25

I think I agree with the poster who thinks he is worried he's going to be asked for help.

Bigthoughtswoman · 02/12/2017 15:31

I think your bother is being unpleasant, he must know you invite him to keep him involved, and be close as you were, but he unfortunately feels he’s above all this. Don’t invite him any more at all, as it’s obvioulsy a chore for him, and not a pleasure to see family. Horrible Man, and it’s really his loss. Chalk it up to him making his own choices in life, and family doesn’t appear to be it ( probably to his detriment in years to come)

Your Mum, probably loves looking after your children as a break from her own mother, who she probably dearly loves too. But ask her first if it’s a bit too much at the moment, my mum hates it if people try and make decisions to make her life easier for her...chances are she loves her time with the children, and wants to help you out regardless.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/12/2017 15:40

I see a wild amount of assumptions about the brother.
He’s feels above all this. What cause he doesn’t want to attend kids party? Numerous posters have said they don’t think he has to attend,and agreeing that invites are a bit odd

chasing his own high paying career. I hope it keeps him warm in his old age oh what a ghastly man,to be well remunerated for his work. I expect being financially solvent will keep him warm,that’s how disposable income works.

LoniceraJaponica · 02/12/2017 15:48

"Of course people go to family do's, what an odd man."

Not many in my experience.

CarrotVan · 02/12/2017 15:49

Did you suggest any ways he could help your Mum? Does your Mum want help?

I have elderly parents and the least helpful thing any of my siblings can do is ring me to offload their concerns without any thoughts about how they and/or I can help the situation.

Plus I've never invited my siblings or their kids to birthday parties although one set offered to help last year which was appreciated. And no-one is interested in school plays. Unless your kids are performing in one of the youth theatre groups then really don't invite him

It's not odd to not live in each other's pockets

It doesn't sound like anyone is being unreasonable but that there's miscommunication and lots of unspoken expectations

RedSkyAtNight · 02/12/2017 15:58

"Of course people go to family do's, what an odd man."

It's not a family do, though is it? It's a kids party primarily for other small children and their parents. If OP had invited just him and their mum and grandmother, then it would more odd for him to refuse.

LoislovesStewie · 02/12/2017 16:04

I think lots of childless men would be bored to tears at a kids party. Everyone is besotted by their own little ones, some are besotted by all of them, some just don't feel comfortable with small children. He might be happier when the kids are older, or he might never be interested. If you are close to your family it's lovely but perhaps he likes to relax in his own way when he's not working, not with little ones.