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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Huge argument with Db- aibu?

65 replies

Generallyok · 02/12/2017 13:32

Db grew up being very close to each other. Over the years our lives have taken very different paths -he has a very successful high earning job and I am a sahm. I have tried to keep up a relationship with him- invite him to my kids birthday parties, school plays etc. today I called himad in am concerned about our mum. She is under alot of pressure looking after her own mum. I raised my concerns but he threw it back in my face saying I give her extra demands as she does help with my kids but I don't think too much and she offers rather than I ask her. He then went to say he thinks its strange i expect him to go to my kids parties etc. this has really hurt me as I don't want him to feel obliged just thought it would nice to have a relationship with my kids. He said its too much and he doesn't know anyone with this relationship with family. I have never once in 10 years asked him to babysit etc. aibu?

OP posts:
mumisnotmyname · 02/12/2017 16:06

I have one db who doesn't have DC, he and his husband are great at attending parties and spending time with all of their dns from siblings if they are in the area. I also have a BIL who has no DC and he is brilliant with my pair who love him more than anyone. So I don't buy the he is man so he won't be interested. He can refuse the invite if he doesn't want to go.

I wonder if he felt worried and possibly guilty about his mother and attacked as a way of managing this.

minipie · 02/12/2017 16:14

I am not at all surprised he doesn't want to come to the kids parties and plays, I don't much enjoy those things even for my own DC and certainly wouldn't go to ones for other DC... I do think it's a bit strange to invite him given he clearly isn't the doting uncle type. How about finding other, non child based, ways of keeping up the connection eg just you and him go for lunch sometimes?

Wrt to your mum, I can see his point. You call him saying she's under too much pressure. Not clear what you expected him to do about this. His suggestion is that there is one area she can cut back on - her time with you and your DC. Of course it's your mum's choice whether she does or not, but it's true that seeing less of you would give her more free time. Did you make any other suggestions for how to relieve the pressure on your mum?

Charlie97 · 02/12/2017 16:15

My brother has no children was always invited to parties, football matches, important other events like communions etc. Also just for dinner or a visit because he has a relationship with me, DH and his nephews.

He always attended, loved and treated my boys well. He used to take them to football games on his own. My sister had a daughter, he would take her out independently.

My boys loved and still love him. He was their mad uncle, who'd come round (just for a visit) chase them round the house, make them scream with laughter and have boundless energy with them.

It never occurred that he wouldn't want to be fully involved with their lives, he loved it! The boys are adults now and still go to the odd game of football together. Buy presents etc for each other.

As for your mum looking after the GC, as others have said this would be a day of total happiness and an escape from the stress she is suffering. Small children have that power to cheer.

On a practical note, what can you get put in place for respite for your mum and to help your DGM? Could you do a few hours with DGM whilst DM had the children?

And your DB is rude and BVU!

Belleoftheball8 · 02/12/2017 16:24

My DB is invited to parties at the house for the dc ( not parties at the play area) he isn’t obliged though to attend but attends to see the rest of the family. I wouldn’t invite him to the plays at school though.I think your expections are far to high here.

LoislovesStewie · 02/12/2017 16:24

My point was that some men don't want to be around small ones; if he doesn't then that is just the way he is.My OH has lots of male friends who have never married and have no kids, most really did not take much notice of our 2 when they were small. When they got bigger and able to converse in an adult way it changed. All people are different and accepting that is probably best.

Humptyhump1 · 02/12/2017 16:32

My point was that some men don't want to be around small ones; if he doesn't then that is just the way he is.My OH has lots of male friends who have never married and have no kids, most really did not take much notice of our 2 when they were small. When they got bigger and able to converse in an adult way it changed. All people are different and accepting that is probably best

Which is fine, but why be so rude about it? A polite "thanks but no thanks" would've been sufficient!

Also OPs DM knows her own kings and knows if she wants to look after DGC. Assuming that she had not complained to DB, just because he doesn't enjoy having children around he should not assume that DM doesn't enjoy it.

Humptyhump1 · 02/12/2017 16:37

Kings = feelings!

RavingRoo · 02/12/2017 16:42

My brother has been going to all of my neices and nephews’ parties and school plays since he was 18. Your brother is strange. Sounds like as he’s got a highflying job he thinks he’s better than you. To be honest you’re fighting a losing battle.

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2017 16:44

Your brother is being very rude. If you are there all the time with your mum so she isnt even babysitting and she always offers plus you help her then I'm sure it's time she loves. As for bdays he doesn't have to go, all my friends and family would invite siblings to childrens birthdays And they would come and often come other times because they like their nieces and nephews. Like we did before we had kids.

HumphreyCobblers · 02/12/2017 16:54

The OP cooks and cleans for her mother, also for her grandmother. The OP's mother is not 'used for childcare', they visit all at the same time.

People could read the OP's posts and find this out.

thecolonelbumminganugget · 02/12/2017 17:07

I don't think it's a man / woman thing. Some people are heavily involved with their family and others aren't and the two types of people will never 'get' each other. I'm happy my family are there but if I don't speak to any of them for 6 months it wouldn't bother me, it would just mean we didn't have anything we wanted to talk about. My best friend lives 2 mins away from her and her DHs family and they live in each other's pockets. I can't understand why she is so involved she can't understand why I'm not. Both are valid approaches.

Witchend · 02/12/2017 17:17

I'd rather not attend my own DC's parties Grin

All the people saying he could have refused, well maybe he felt it he did, then the OP would have a strop about that, I've certainly seen that on here.

RebootYourEngine · 02/12/2017 17:18

Every family is different.

My family and i are quite close. My siblings (males and females) have taken my ds out on day trips and been to school plays, birthday parties, sports days etc all things to do with my ds. I am close to my nieces and nephews and love how my ds is close to his aunties and uncles.

Lashalicious · 02/12/2017 17:19

Haha Witchend I’ve felt like that with my own child’s parties too

Italiangreyhound · 02/12/2017 18:11

The thing is I agree that kids parties are boring/noisy/unbearable! But taking responsibility for your mum is not the same. He could skip the parties but still care about his mum's welfare.

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