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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious about this article and cancel my Guardian subscription?

475 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 01/12/2017 16:50

www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/30/children-removed-from-family-home-over-parents-open-relationship

The children weren't removed because of their parents 'open relationship', they were removed because the parents were neglectful and didn't safeguard the children. The headline is a deliberate distortion.

This is a dreadful baity headline/article at the expense of the polyamorous community. I expect better from the guardian - to which I pay a f-ing subscription...

AIBU to cancel my Direct Debit?

Angry
OP posts:
dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 02/12/2017 07:56

Your poor children.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 02/12/2017 08:58

Yes, my ex husband is fully aware. He is very religious and so strongly disagrees in principle (he doesn't believe in sex outside marriage at all) but can see that the children are happy and well adjusted and so many isn't troubled by it. He thought the children often would be upset and confused, but even he has admitted that they don't n't seem to be, not in the slightest.

It wasn't how I thought it would go, (if you read my previous post that's evident) but I'm delighted that he's been so reasonable, that he's acting only on what he sees to be the case instead of his preconceptions about what 'must be' happening. I really respect him for that, actually.

Lessons to be learned there, maybe.

OP posts:
Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 02/12/2017 09:16

Thanks lepaulate - I really appreciate everything about your post.

We try very hard to be careful and reasonable about what we tell the children and how. Our guide has been to only ask the question that they have asked as honestly as is appropriate. And allow them to ask more questions if they need more info, but not to offer it.

The questions about sharing came about because DP had to leave quite early one Saturday morning to do something with K. DD was clearly trying to understand how sharing time works, which is fine. I'd rather she asked and happy that she felt she can and wanted to.

I'm really not one of those parents who want to be their children's 'mate' and tell them all sorts of adult things they don't want to know and haven't asked.

But it's natural for them to have questions and, I think, healthy to try and answer them honestly where possible.

But I really do appreciate your input. Genuinely.

OP posts:
MargeryFenworthy · 02/12/2017 09:30

whycantwegoonasthree your children asking if you 'mind sharing' suggests to me that they have the sense to know that you deserve more than a half baked part time relationship. Don't kid yourself that it's a normal or desirable setup.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 02/12/2017 09:55

We it's hardly as if most young children see sharing as the best thing ever...

Thankfully most of us grow up, and realise that it's actually a lovely thing to do.

I never wanted nor needed a 24/7 cohabiting relationship. I tried it. I found it suffocating. I like - need - time alone. A lot of it. I like time just me and my girls.

We're not all the same, we don't all want the or need the same things.

I have chosen this relationship. In this shape. I could have had something different. I'm not without options. But it's not what I want. This is.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/12/2017 10:00

Whycan’t,I don’t get your over sharing about your relationship/lifestyle to a hostile audience?
You must realise that it doesn’t sit well with the mn majority ethos that everyone must be married,have a joint bank acc,be a sahm with enriching hobbies.
You’re getting a total pasting.and for what?you'll not (or unlikely to) convince anyone Gosh, yes on balance that’s a harmonious and emotionally open lifestyle

PumpkinSquash · 02/12/2017 10:05

I have chosen this relationship. In this shape

You do what the hell you like, you're a grown up (presumably.) I don't care.
You don't have kids and bring them into it though. As someone upthread said, poor kids.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/12/2017 10:07

My children have been exposed to nothing sexually inappropriate in terms of conversation or anything else.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from 10 years of working with families with young children, it’s that the common denominator is always the parents convincing themselves that the children are fine and are seeing and hearing nothing untoward, because it suits the parents’ own selfish agenda.

PumpkinSquash · 02/12/2017 10:09

Thankfully most of us grow up, and realise that it's actually a lovely thing to do.

Yeah, sharing is a lovely thing to do. Nobody says it isn't. People share their chocolates or something with their kids, not that it's OK to share their bodies around as it's a lovely thing to do!
Jesus wept.

PumpkinSquash · 02/12/2017 10:10

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from 10 years of working with families with young children, it’s that the common denominator is always the parents convincing themselves that the children are fine and are seeing and hearing nothing untoward, because it suits the parents’ own selfish agenda.

Absolutely, and definitely seems the case here. OP is adamant she's not exposing them to anything, then in the next breath saying she clearly IS.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/12/2017 10:20

And another thing - you’re so entrenched in the view that your need for multiple sexual partners should trump everything else, that you’d be happy for your child to be known at secondary school as the one with the “weird” mother? Have you any idea how damaging that could be for her? Are you happy for her to have no friends and to be the target for bullying just so you can indulge yourself?

Queenofthedrivensnow · 02/12/2017 10:47

Agree with suburban too - I have a specific family in mind that won't allow specific suppprt for their dc because they want them to be fine with it. The kids arnt

Bubblebubblepop · 02/12/2017 11:17

OP you seem desperate to make this all about you and very self centred. That's likely to cause your children many problems in their life

Midge1978 · 02/12/2017 11:18

Just bear in mind that your child learns their relationship expectations from her parents. So if you two can't keep it in your pants then she's not going to feel able to challenge a partner who cheats on her. You're distorting her perspective on what is acceptable behaviour. I think you know this that's why you keep starting threads in the hope your decisions will be validated.

ButchyRestingFace · 02/12/2017 11:38

And to think I would have read OP’s username totally innocently before this thread...

ReanimatedSGB · 02/12/2017 12:01

I do think, actually, that part of sex/relationship education for kids should include information that not everyone is into monogamy, and that casual sex is not bad for you. If you teach this stuff along with consent/respect/kindness/sexual health then people are less likely to get themselves into unfortunate situations.

Longterm monogamy clearly doesn't work out as best/better than other options, for everyone.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/12/2017 12:15

I do think, actually, that part of sex/relationship education for kids should include information that not everyone is into monogamy, and that casual sex is not bad for you.

I don’t think it’s at all appropriate to teach children that “casual sex is not bad for you.” That’s not a fact, that’s an opinion, and has no place in a sex education lesson.

Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 02/12/2017 12:30

The Indie are at it too... just to bring the thread back to the topic about pejorative misinformation disguised as journalism:

Judge puts three children up for adoption due to parents' open relationship - The Independent
apple.news/A70OOZgcLSxeQc0DmYh4Qyw

And a screen shot in case they change the fucking headline::

AIBU to be furious about this article and cancel my Guardian subscription?
OP posts:
Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 02/12/2017 12:32

I don’t think it’s at all appropriate to teach children that “casual sex is not bad for you.” That’s not a fact, that’s an opinion, and has no place in a sex education lesson.

Monogamy being the best way to conduct relationships is also only an opinion... yet is frequently mixed in with sex ed in schools.

OP posts:
Original poster
whycantwegoonasthree · 02/12/2017 12:34

And midge - they're not learning that cheating is ok or should be accepted. Quite the opposite. If you don't know the difference between consensual non-monogamy and cheating I suggest you google it.

I hope my daughters will learn to leave any relationship where they are not treated with respect, consideration, honesty and kindness.

As I did when I left my marriage.

OP posts:
paxillin · 02/12/2017 13:04

I wouldn't have read it had it not been for this thread. How many people open a thread for each poster? You gave them a few thousand extra clicks.

SuburbanRhonda · 02/12/2017 13:29

Monogamy being the best way to conduct relationships is also only an opinion... yet is frequently mixed in with sex ed in schools.

No it isn’t. Monogamy isn’t mentioned at all in sex education in schools, though I can’t vouch for catholic schools. Loving, trusting and consensual relationships are discussed, however.

PumpkinSquash · 02/12/2017 13:30

Judge puts three children up for adoption due to parents' open relationship

FFS, it is due to the open relationship in this case because it's a safeguarding issue!!
You're sticking your fingers in your ears.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 02/12/2017 13:30

The headline is accurate.

You sound deluded and desperate for your relationship to be validated - I suspect, deep down, you're not at all happy with it but afraid to lose your 'DP'. You don't see people in happy relationships starting several threads a year asking for approval for it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 02/12/2017 13:31

It’s a bit of a shame this good example of social work best practice has got lost in a you said/I said debate enacted on mn.quite tiresome

Returning to ruling,The decision to remove the children was the safe and best decision
The parents would have been asked to moderate the unsafe behaviour and offered advice on appropriate parenting
On the balance of it,this was to protect the children from multiple risks and unsafe home environment
Overall a good Social work intervention