To think I’ve been spoilt?

[Floralmeadows]

My parents had me late in life. They had a lot of miscarriages and one baby died.

In many ways they were awful to me but they were financially generous - very generous.

I don’t know why I’m posting except I still in my 30s find it hard/impossible to take any responsibility for anything. I’m supposedly intelligent but money runs through my fingers and my husband must be at the end of my tether.

Aibu to think I’ve been spoilt and it it possible to change?

If your money is running through your fingers then the very generous finances they gave to you will soon run out very fast. Whether it's possible to change depends on how willing you are and how real this post is.

Of course it’s possible to change. You’re the only one who can do it though.

You’re a grown woman, an adult, it’s up to you to learn to be responsible.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but it really is up to you and you can start by making small changes that’ll then make you feel good about yourself and your decision making abilities and you’ll want to do it more.

It’s not harsh. It’s what I need to hear.

Maybe I am being unkind blaming my parents. I just can’t understand why I (supposedly intelligent) make so many ridiculous choices.

If money slips through your fingers do you think budgeting would help?
You could start a challenge to have X no spend days a month.
The money saving expert forums are a good place to read through.

I get scared of going on them as I’d have to be honest about how bad I am and so many posters on there seem to have a good grip on their finances.

I don't post but I read. I'm not great with money but I'm trying very hard to get better - I think my problem is there wasn't a lot growing up so now I buy stuff because I can

It’s been mentioned as a possibility that I might have bipolar but then I wonder if I’m just trying to make excuses

Money runs through my fingers but we had no money growing up.... I’m not sure it’s fair to blame your parents.

Can you ask your husband to help? With budgeting, not paying for things I mean.

Sorry your parents weren’t nice. Teaching your children how to look after money is so much more valuable than showering them with cash.

Just get a grip and stop spending cash unnessecarily it's not hard. When you are going to buy something think do I actually NEED this. If the answers nope just put it down. If the answers no I just WANT it then consider how much you want it, is it something you have wanted a long time and will make use of. If not then put it back. And also consider if you can afford it.

You could also leave your cards at home or with your husband and give yourself a weekly allowance to spend on whatever and once it's gone it's gone, if the above doesn't work.

I am terrible with money. Utterly dreadful. It has been pointed out to me that my compulsive spending is a maladaptive coping mechanism. If the same applies to you, don’t beat yourself up too much about it, but do seek help.

Fucksake I’ve tried all that. The problem is because I’ve got into debt in the past I end up borrowing off myself, robbing Peter to pay Paul kind of thing.

I know it’s ridiculous.

What is a maladaptive coping mechanism?

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/stop-spending-budgeting-tool

Problem is that’s all common sense but I am starting to question if I have any

Are you talking about yourself or someone else? You seem to have little insight into the issue, which may be why you are asking but if you have got to your 30s and it's all still a mystery that's odd.

Do you actually want to do something about it or just feel like you should?

If you do, start with an honest spending diary seeing it down in writing can be an eye opener.

Is it odd?

I don’t know. I know I make promises to myself and then act on impulse and justify it to myself and then regret it but force myself not to think about it.

I know I’m not happy.

I kno I’m trying to buy things that aren’t for sale.

I don’t know how to stop.

You've said in many ways they were awful to me. Did they maybe use money or gifts to demonstrate love? If so it's possible you still subconsciously make that connection and spend money when you feel down or stressed.

As others have said only you can change it. Don't be afraid of getting advice, be it on a forum or in rl. They're strangers, they're unlikely to be judging you anyway but even if they were they're not actually part of your life are they?

I think that’s so true CantSleep

They would hit me and then buy me things

The thing is I don’t mind being judged exactly but I need to be helped. It’s pointless asking for help and just being met with scorn and judgement.

In what ways are you rubbish with money? Do you have poor impulse control? Buy things to make you feel better? Behave over generously to friends? Gamble? Different strategies will help different problems.

How do you think you could stop buying things that get you into debt?

All the above, apart from gambling, never done that.

Sometimes it’s like I’m trying to buy the life I want.

I don’t know flowerpot

I need to just stop. But it is hard, not just because buying things gives me such a lot of pleasure but when I don’t I realise how cold and lonely my life is.