To think I’ve been spoilt?

[Floralmeadows]

My parents had me late in life. They had a lot of miscarriages and one baby died.

In many ways they were awful to me but they were financially generous - very generous.

I don’t know why I’m posting except I still in my 30s find it hard/impossible to take any responsibility for anything. I’m supposedly intelligent but money runs through my fingers and my husband must be at the end of my tether.

Aibu to think I’ve been spoilt and it it possible to change?

It's a matter of looking for help in the right place really I think. Is it worth considering counseling too? I know it can seem like counseling is suggested for everything but it does sound like you could use help getting to the cause of your behaviour as well learning how to change it.

I would find it very hard to open up to a counsellor and plus, ironically, it would cost money

It helps to talk about it. I’m so ashamed.

My two suggestions:

1. Talking therapy. It seems like you do have deeper issues with money and talking them through with a professional could be really helpful, eg. counselling or CBT.
2. Come over to the 'Credit Crunch' forum and join the 'Frugaleers' thread for practical money-saving advice from a bunch of very friendly ladies who will not judge you.

Thank you. I’m not sure about talking therapy but I could read your thread

If you buy stuff, you can take it back you know. My flat mate always bought loads of clothes; it was like she couldn't help herself sometimes. But often, after a day or so, she would take stuff back.

It tends to be a sort of trickling our or money. I can’t explain it. I earn hardly anything but it should be enough just about but it’s not.

I earn pretty well now, and have phases when I'm really profligate with money. We didn't have much when I was growing up, and when I've had a bout of spending I often feel revolted by my irresponsibility, although it's not irresponsible as such because I can afford it, it's just that spending on luxuries rather than essentials still feels wrong. The way I get back on track is deliberately having a frugal month, when I make food from scratch, take sandwiches to work, go to the park rather than the cinema, etc etc. As a treat I'll buy some kind of tiny luxury from ebay for a couple of pounds. It really helps to "reset" the spending habit, because I realise that I've had a lovely time, eaten lovely food and have had nice things, but have money in the bank at the end of the month. Maybe try it fir a week to start with, the satisfaction you'll feel might spur you on to do it more often or extend how long you keep it up.

I'm no expert floral but I'm thinking that if spending = happiness/reward in your head then presumably not spending = unhappiness/punishment in which case no wonder it hard to stop. It feels like a negative thing!

If you can instead say to yourself I'm not buying that because I want to save this amount so I can go on holiday to X place that I've always dreamed of visiting. Or so I can pay to do a course in Y that I've always felt passionate about. Obviously insert whatever positive thing floats your boat but the point is you'd be working towards something that's not punishment but reward if that makes sense?

I need to just stop. But it is hard, not just because buying things gives me such a lot of pleasure

So how might you stop? Have a think.. what are the different things you could do?

This is such a wishy washy post... sort of a ramble about 'Oh look at me, so intelligent yet so poor with finance'. If you are serious and if you need help, you need to make sure you can explain your problem. Being vague is not going to help you.

It seems you have an addiction perhaps? I think it is time to talk to your GP and get referred for therapy.

I know women who come from privileged backgrounds and despite not having much, do spend a lot on clothes, make up, bags etc. (more than they can afford and then moan about how skint they are). I haven't had that type of upbringing, so I find it really hard to relate tbh. I am the type that will not spend any money on luxuries if I don't have a couple of hundred in my bank, as I know I don't have any one's money to fall back on.

What sort of things are you buying?

Could you give yourself a budget - say £20- to spend on shit on eBay or the pound shop so you feel like you are getting "stuff" but it's not costing as much?

Why don't you write down everything you buy for a week, then look back and ask yourself why you bought it, include everything, coffees,sandwiches,flowers, clothes ,food, bus fares.

Then get yourself a highlighter pen and highlight five things that were unnecessary. Write down a reason, a proper reason, why you bought them.

Add up everything you spent for each day. Look at the most expensive and the cheapest day. why are they so different? What are you doing, where are you going on your most expensive days. ditto for your cheapest days.

Do this for a week or so. see if it makes you more mindful about your spending .

Once you have more idea about what is happening to your money you can start to think about a daily budget, making packed lunch, or only using cash not cards or whatever you need to do .

Cantsleep, that’s really helped actually.

I did once save up a lot. I enjoyed it. It felt like I was treating myself! Then I had a period of no money coming in and I needed the savings but once I dipped in that was it!

I’m not being intentionally vague bluebells - sorry.

These posts have helped a lot. Thank you.

I don’t think you’re coming over as intentionally vague, more like you’re thinking out loud 😊

I’d second the advice from a PP about Money Saving Expert (once you have your thoughts together ) the people on these forums come across as being very practically helpful

A spending diary really does help.

At the start of each month can you pop £10/20 whatever you can genuinely afford aside for a little treat?
It's the 1st tomorrow so count it as a fresh start.

skintdad.co.uk/skint-52-week-saving-challenge/

I've not posted on them in a long time but the people on debt-free wannabe boards were lovely, supportive & helpful.
forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76

If you use spending to perk yourself up when you are feeling down then you won't have tackled the actual reason you are feeling down. That's got to be a problem in your life.

What if you started noticing that you feel the purchase impluse then pause for a moment and notice what you were feeling immediately before you got that impluse? Were you lonely, tired, hungry bored, frustrated, sad?

I did an exercise like this for emotional eating. It was incredibly effective. Even if I gave in to the need to eat I had noticed what I was feeling and so when the food didn't ultimately fulfil that need (how could it?) then I had a better idea of what I genuinely needed and could do something about it.

Eventually, I found myself not wanting the food and wanting the actual resolution, e.g. a hug, a nap, a chat, to have warm feet (yes really), without any huge effort.

I haven't really been on the money boards here, but I found money saving expert very good when I was trying to get my shit together. Sometimes I post, but mostly I read. A lot of people on there started off from bad positions and have improved themselves massively over the years. They are normally very helpful, but will give you a wakeup call if they feel you need it.
I was never good with money and I used to use that phrase about myself as almost a self-fulfilling prophesy 'ah, you know me, I've never been good with money.' As if it was a pre-destined, immovable part of my personality. I have blue eyes and I'm shit with money. Frankly, it's bullshit. I allowed myself to be bad with money.
I don't have the same psychological issues with money and shopping that you do, but I did use to buy when I was bored or unhappy. Having goals to save for helps me, as did having a massive declutter/Marie Kondo session over several months. Once I got rid of loads of stuff that was making me feel guilty about having around, I didn't want to take more crap into the house. Once we hit one massive milestone (buying a house) I allowed myself a month to spend guilt-free, then moved onto the next (clearing an ancient credit card debt, that I just never got round to clearing, now I'm onto saving for mat leave.)
Honestly though, it sounds like you have a lot of underlying issues with your parents and childhood and I do think it would be best for you to deal with that at some stage. A therapist may cost money, but it will probably be a good investment in the long run.
Good luck with it all though, you aren't alone.

I still in my 30s find it hard/impossible to take any responsibility for anything. I’m supposedly intelligent but money runs through my fingers

Yes, you've been spoilt, but I’m not going to berate you because you’ve basically described me - the only child of two extremely financially generous parents. They supported me through 6 years of university, paid off a huge chunk of my mortgage, bailed me out of debt countless times, paid my living expenses when I wasn’t working. Despite this, I kept getting into debt again and again essentially because I was used to a good standard of life and didn’t want that to drop. There were times when I would feel deeply ashamed but then I drifted back into denial and buried my head in the sand. I was almost 40k in debt at one point, but I kept the truth even from my closest friends. Besides my parents, only my husband knew what was really going on and he is laid back to the point of being horizontal so never really challenged me.

What changed? A huge reality check. In the space of one week I found out I was expecting my first child and my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. All of a sudden it was no longer a certainty that the house I'd been told I stood to inherit one day as my safety net would be mine -
what if my dad had to go into a care home and the house had to be sold to pay the fees? And then there was the responsibility of being a good role model to my child - did I really want them to see me being feckless and end up the same?

My mindset changed overnight. I tightened my belt, stopped all treats such as clothes shopping and holidays, started doing a budget shop, got rid of my car, basically cut out all the things that I'd previously told myself were mere drops in the ocean and made life worth living but in fact all added up.

And slowly, my debt began to decrease. And my life certainly did feel like it was worth living - I now have far more time to focus on my creative pursuits because I’m not constantly shopping and I feel far less fearful of the future, knowing that I’m in control of my impulses.

So in answer to your question - yes, it is possible to change. Good luck, OP.

I understand OP.

I don't think I ever heard the word no growing up. I was doted on by my parents. I still only have to mention something and my mum will buy it for me (mid 30s).

It's taken me years to get financially competent, with many expensive mistakes along the way 😕

Runrabbit, thanks. One of the big problems is loneliness. I feel a bit admitting that because the general consensus is that if you're lonely all you have to do is make friends and bam, sorted, when in fact I do have friends but those friends have husbands, family, other friends ... or that I should be relishing my weekends alone and I do to point but by 4 o clock on a Saturday it's got very old.

Ironically, most people see me as very organised and together and sorted

Thanks, Alice, what a kind and honest post.

Although my parents loved me in their way, they weren't great at showing it. Particularly as I grew older, money got flung at me as a sort of "there, now we don't have to talk to you" thing. It's a cliché but I wanted them, not cash. I remember being so jealous of girls at university who had things bought for them and I think that's when my problems started as I would buy myself little things that I imagined other girls would get as presents and I still do. Sad, hey?

Try a CAPmoney course in your area. They have really good practical advice. to help you get things under control.
capuk.org/i-want-help/courses/cap-money-course/introduction

I’m reading Better Than Before by Gretchen Rubin, OP. I’m finding it helpful in terms of changing some of my own very stubborn habits - might be worth a look for you?