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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DC (10) to do holiday transfer in different vehicle to me.

90 replies

freshstart24 · 29/11/2017 18:16

Posting quickly as I'm about to spend the evening with some of the people concerned.....

I'm going skiing with friends and family in Feb. SIL is organising. There will be 25 of us in self catered chalet. I have one child DS who will be 10, there are six other kids all aged between 15&18.

SIL wants her her brother (my DH) and I to do a huge grocery shop in a hired van as part of our transfer.

She asked me to send DS on the minibus transfer with all the others without DH or I. DS knows the other adults vaguely, and he knows the kids a bit too. He is quite shy of the other adults, it's a hair raising 90 min transfer followed by a scramble for bags and rooms.

DS is shy of the adults who would be with him. He is in awe of the older kids but they understandably find him boring and too young so they only interact with him minimally.

I initially said I'd send him without me on the transfer but then realised I felt extremely uncomfortable about it and have asked that either he joins us at the supermarket, or that I or DH go with him on the bus.

I'm already feeling unpopular, difficult and uncomfortable after making this request. I'm now worried I'm being PFB about it all.

DH is not DS' dad. Probably not relevant but didn't want to drip feed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
pigeondujour · 29/11/2017 20:13

I bet loads of kids that age would feel uncomfortable going with their step dad's family without him or their mum there. Definitely make sure rooms aren't allocated before you arrive either. I'd be giving short shrift to eye-rolling.

Booboostwo · 29/11/2017 20:16

How does your DS feel about this? At 10yo he's old enough to decide who he wants to ride with.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 29/11/2017 20:17

Yes that's what you should do! You and DS go on the mini bus and your DH and his sister can go and do the shop together

This^ Id want to be with DS too

LynetteScavo · 29/11/2017 20:22

Let them eye roll. Keep him with you. Say DS really wants to go to the supermarket.

They will probably eye roll about loads of other stuff over the holiday anyway.

JoWithABow · 29/11/2017 20:23

Are you sure your hesitance isn't because you don't want to do the grocery shop and then get lumbered with a rubbish room allocation? No one is going to want to do a grocery shop after getting up at 3.30am,can there be another alternative such as taking the first night's good with you or eating out?

Rollmopsrule · 29/11/2017 20:26

SilverDragonfly1
GrinGrin

RemainOptimistic · 29/11/2017 20:33

Send someone else to do the shop! Fucks sake. There's being nice and then there's being taken advantage of!

MinervaSaidThat · 29/11/2017 20:39

Is this grocery shop taken in turn each year or do you and H do it every year?

Aspergallus · 29/11/2017 20:39

Your child, who you know best. Go with your gut and ignore everyone else.

I have often lived to regret doing what other people thought was best rather than what was right for me and my family. I try very hard to remember I am parenting the children I have, not someone else's children or a fictitious average child of X yrs old. And part of that is ignoring the eye rolls of others who do things differently.

Original poster
freshstart24 · 29/11/2017 21:50

Thanks for all the responses. To answer a few questions:

We've been to this chalet before, but paid extra to have it catered so this is the first time we've catered for ourselves.

Room wise, there will be three families of 3 and we will decide which of the rooms for 3 we are having when we get there. TBH I don't mind which we get, and as our child is the smallest I'm happy with the smallest room. It's more that the atmosphere becomes tense whilst the room chaos gets sorted and I'd rather DS wasn't there without DH or I whilst that happens.

The room issue and having somehow being allocated the short straw of both DH and I doing the shopping are secondary issues. My primary concern is the expectation that I should leave DS to go off with everyone else for the 90 minute bus journey when he's not very comfortable with any of them, and I know that he will be largely left to his own devices and whilst I'm sorting everyone's food.

If I am doing the shopping I'd like him with me, or someone else needs to go with DH in the shopping van.

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincent · 29/11/2017 21:54

Keep DS with you. I would, and whatever anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

If SIL is that desperate for a good shop she can go with DH.

NapQueen · 29/11/2017 21:56

I think its only fair that two adults from two families go for the food shop
Why should one family be burdened with it all?

Council · 29/11/2017 22:04

Firstly, if you've been to this chalet before so all know it, I'd absolutely make sure rooms are allocated beforehand to avoid this tenseness, although I wouldn't care about the room for myself either, it seems unnecessary to introduce that kind of stress, group holidays have their share of that anyway!

On the transfers, I agree either DS comes with you or someone else does the shop.

NapQueen · 29/11/2017 22:10

You will need more than 2 of you to shop for 25 people. Thats gotnto be at least 3 trollies?

DontbouncelikeIdid · 29/11/2017 22:14

This seems like a very bizarre arrangement. Presumably the food shop is for everyone, so why would you not all stop together and do the shopping? I would not be happy with anything about the current plan, and I certainly think you are right not to send DS on the minibus without you. What is the plan for the catering when you get there? Will you be expected to do all that too?

Mumof56 · 29/11/2017 22:19

He's 10, not a toddler. a 90 min bus journey will not kill him, who knows he might get to know the other children better.

Reflexella · 29/11/2017 22:21

Don’t be bullied into something you aren’t comfortable with. If your gut says no, then it’s no.

edwinbear · 29/11/2017 22:29

I agree that the shop needs to be spread out amongst more families. It really should only be one adult per family. I'd not be happy leaving him on a bus transfer alone, what if he gets travel sick, who is going to help him get checked in, unload luggage and get it up to the rooms etc. That's quite a big ask for a 10yr old with people he doesn't know well.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/11/2017 22:33

But he's been on holiday with these people three times before. How come he "hardly knows them"?

I think you're being a bit PFB about that but I don't blame you at all not wanting to do the mammouth food shop!

crazycatlady5 · 29/11/2017 22:38

Can you ask him what HE wants to do and how HE feels about it? At 10 I’d probably have liked my mum to ask me (and I’d have wanted to stay with my mum for what it’s worth!)

Hissy · 29/11/2017 23:09

Self catered chalet with 25 family and friends?

Oh I’m schussing in here right now, this thread is BOUND to be a belter!

I don’t think your unreasonable as it goes op, but perhaps your ds would benefit from being one of the gang, might do him the world of good

Viviennemary · 29/11/2017 23:15

He is ten and will be with people he knows although you say not well. But he's your child and if you aren't comfortable with it then just say no sorry but that won't work for us. Take your DS on the shopping trip. And also there sounds as if there is a plan afoot to give you the last choice of rooms because you'll be shopping. It sounds grim. Is it too late to bow out.

nooka · 29/11/2017 23:40

I'm not really understanding the arrangements. Is your group part of a bigger trip and everyone except you and your dh is getting a chartered coach to the resort, or is your group independent and has organised to hire a minibus and a van and make your own way to a chalet?

If you are independent then is this the only time the shopping can be done? I would have thought you'd all be pretty exhausted (especially your child who is a lot younger than the other children in your party) and doing the shopping the next morning would be a much better idea.

Why is the transfer 'hair raising'? Isn't it just the drive from the airport to the resort/chalet - does it involve a precipitous mountain road that you think might scare your ds perhaps? If so I don't think it's unreasonable for you to say he'd like to have a parent with him.

Butterymuffin · 30/11/2017 00:26

Don’t be bullied into something you aren’t comfortable with. If your gut says no, then it’s no.

THIS. Your DS stays with you and that's non negotiable. Just repeat that you're keeping him with you, use broken record technique, blank totally any eye rolling etc.

this is the first time we've catered for ourselves

This is a crucial point. Are you also being expected to work out what shopping is needed, or is everyone going to put orders in, as it were? Either way, as it's an untried system, you need someone from more than one family there to make any decisions. Without that, the other thing that will happen is that every time anyone finds fault, however mildly, with the shopping, it'll be on you. Someone says they'd have liked cherry tomatoes not standard tomatoes: ah, well, that was Fresh .

Actually, now I come to think, it might not be a bad idea to develop strategic incompetence before the holiday and keep getting things like who is vegetarian wrong.

HeebieJeebies456 · 30/11/2017 02:00

Will they be paying you upfront for the 'mammoth' shopping?
Have you discussed how the cost will be split (in case people start whingeing about paying for things they don't eat/don't want etc?

I wouldn't want to be paying out such a huge amount before having discussed the finer details and having been handed some money upfront.

I hope you're not adding alcohol to this list?
I think it would be better if everyone bought their own themselves.

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