To apply for a weekend job and not tell DH?

[IcingSausage]

Genuinely uncertain here and a bit wrong footed!

I’m a SAHM and to be honest, I’ve struggled with it. I would’ve loved to go back to work but astronomical childcare costs for two DC meant it just wasn’t feasible. As such I’ve been a SAHM for four years.

Recently I’ve been feeling incredibly down about the whole thing. I feel trapped and pretty worthless to be honest, like I’ve lost myself.

My DH is wonderful - kind, considerate and thoughtful, and agrees his salary is ‘our’ money. But even though I know that, it doesn’t always feel like it.

So, on to my AIBU. I rather spur-of-the-moment sent my cv off to a local cafe looking for weekend staff this morning. I just had a call from them basically offering me a Saturday job.

I’m so excited, it’ll be fantastic to do something outside the home, and to feel like I’m contributing to the family finances! (I want to put all my wages aside and treat us to a holiday next year!)

But, I haven’t told my DH any of this. He doesn’t know I was even half-heartedly looking for a job, let alone now been offered one! He’s said before he’s not massively keen on the idea of me working weekends as it’s the only time we all have together as a family. I knew this but realistically, I can’t work any other time as neither DC is in school yet, and I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m worried about telling him. Have I been horribly unreasonable?

Tell him what you have out here. Realistically you would still have Sunday to do family stuff so I would say go for it.

If your DH is as wonderful as you say then surely you would have told him by now, how much you needed a part time job / how important it is for you as a person, and then applied for some with his "blessing" ???

I can sympathise with you Op as I was in that situation myself until I got myself a Saturday job. It's a good way to meet locals and colleagues and not taxing work. Plus gives me that small sense of independence. But if I were your dh I would be annoyed to be presented with a fait acompli and no mutual discussion about how to work it around family life. Is there any option for you to work of an evening once dh is home from work? I do 6-10pm shifts and an early Sat 6-9 am shift which leaves me the day to do family stuff.

Ps I know it means nothing coming from me, but you are not worthless. Being a parent is challenging and important. And I'm sure your dh recognises and is grateful for your equally important contribution to all of your lives and how you enable him to work. You really need to discuss your feelings with him.

YANBU and it may give him a new perspective on how much work goes into looking after your children every day.
He might not be massively keen for you to work at the weekend as he'll have to step up?

if I were your dh I would be annoyed to be presented with a fait acompli and no mutual discussion about how to work it around family life.

Yeah, I think this is where I know I’ve cocked up. I should’ve spoken to him about it first. (To be fair, I only sent my cv this morning and got the call an hour later, I wasn’t expecting that.)

I suppose I didn’t because I know his feelings on it. He’d never tell me I couldn’t do something, especially if he thought it’d make me happier, but I suppose deep down I know he’d rather I didn’t.

An evening job would be good but DH often isn’t home until 6.30/7, and sometimes works later with little notice so it isn’t really doable.

Well done, for getting the job...why shouldn't you work one day on the weekend ?

Tell him it is important for your mental health and it will give him bonding time with Dcs......!

He might not be massively keen for you to work at the weekend as he'll have to step up?

That has occurred to me teaandtoast!

He’s a great dad but has never had them on his own on a regular basis. And parenting with a partner is much easier.

Realistically, this ‘family time’ he talks about refers to me and him, as I see the kids all day every day, and he’d see them all weekend as usual. It would be the co-parenting on a Saturday that would go.

I do think you should have told him and you've now halved the family time you have together at weekends. He does his work, you can do yours of course, but it has to be agreed and good for you all, no?

Have you thought of starting a business from home, so you could work during the week and take care of the DC?

Hmmm. On the weekend do you split parenting evenly? Do your dc go to nursery/preschool at all?

My DH is a sahp but elder dc goes to school and youngest nursery for a couple of days to give him a break. I must admit I wouldn't be particularly thrilled to have this thrust upon me - there's no way that the WOHP doesn't look like a shit for objecting but you've effectively extended his working week without consultation.

Why would raising your children make you feel "worthless" but serving coffee and cake to strangers would raise your self-esteem?

Anyway, to solve your immediate problem, don't tell your husband you've already been offered a job, but raise the matter of a Saturday job this evening to see how he'd feel about it.

So many threads on here could be solved by the most basic communication between those involved.

Youre married to and have children with this man. Why havent you talked to him?

Just tell him what you’ve said here - you walked past a shop and made a spur of the moment application and to your surprise have been offered a job. Propose a six month trial to see if it works out with the family balance and revisit in the Spring (or earlier if either one of you is struggling).

Congratulations on your new job!

i know what you mean though op, i can't exactly say why i'd feel worthless as a SAHP, it's probably to do with childhood, but somehow earning your own money is nice - sit him down and explain that you'd like to have money for extras and also getting your foot back in the door as they won't be babies forever.

Might be a saturday now, but might be if you prove yourself you can up your hours as your children grow?

It's not the end of the world to work weekends and leave partner with the children, it will probably be good for them all if they aren't used to it. And good for you as well as you want to get a job.

Same as SometimesMaybe.

Thank you sometimesmaybe, that’s a great idea. I hadn’t thought of framing it in a trial sort of way.

DH presented me with a fait accompli once. He'd gone through 13 (!) interviews with a prestigious company and was offered the job.

The impact on me was huge - basically either my career would never progress or we'd have to take on a 2nd nanny as DH would be working way more hours and would never be able to do drop off or pick up.

I'd also see him a lot less.

I wasn't happy. When your decisions impact your partner you should talk it over with them.

In the end DH didn't take the job, but it still rankles several years later that he did it without talking to me.

Well done and good luck in your new job

Wow Atlantic, I can definitely see why that would rankle. I like to think the impact of this on DH would be far far less (one day alone with his own DC), but I see your point.

it might be a saturday now, but might be if you prove yourself you can up your hours as your children grow?

Yes, that was mentioned on the phone. Once my children are at school I could add hours in around school time. Which would be perfect.

Tell him you want to do it for you and you can still have your family time on a Sunday and it would be good for him to have one to one time with the children (what I would suspect its all about!)

Congratulations Icing. Yes, be up front. Tell him you applied spur of the moment etc. Agree to do it as a trial.

I'd like to add something to the mix. Many SAHP start looking to get back in to work once the youngest starts school. This can be tough as school hour jobs are v popular and often have lots of people applying. Competition is tough.

But by going back one day per week, you've got your foot in the door already. A smart move I would say.

Hmmm. On the weekend do you split parenting evenly? Do your dc go to nursery/preschool at all?

Oldest DC is 4 and goes to preschool all week 9am-12pm during term time (nothing in the holidays), youngest DC (2.5yrs) is with me all the time but will go to preschool the same hours next September.

How long have you got until DCs are in school/pre-school? Presumably the oldest will start soon (4yo?).
Perhaps once the DC are in school you can change to alternate Saturdays or even less, alongside weekday hours?

by going back one day per week, you've got your foot in the door already. A smart move I would say.

That’s a great point, thanks Finola, I’m going to add that to the conversation when I tell DH tonight!

The plan has always been that I’d find term-time work once the children are both at school so this is a way of starting the ball rolling on that I guess.