To apply for a weekend job and not tell DH?

[IcingSausage]

Genuinely uncertain here and a bit wrong footed!

I’m a SAHM and to be honest, I’ve struggled with it. I would’ve loved to go back to work but astronomical childcare costs for two DC meant it just wasn’t feasible. As such I’ve been a SAHM for four years.

Recently I’ve been feeling incredibly down about the whole thing. I feel trapped and pretty worthless to be honest, like I’ve lost myself.

My DH is wonderful - kind, considerate and thoughtful, and agrees his salary is ‘our’ money. But even though I know that, it doesn’t always feel like it.

So, on to my AIBU. I rather spur-of-the-moment sent my cv off to a local cafe looking for weekend staff this morning. I just had a call from them basically offering me a Saturday job.

I’m so excited, it’ll be fantastic to do something outside the home, and to feel like I’m contributing to the family finances! (I want to put all my wages aside and treat us to a holiday next year!)

But, I haven’t told my DH any of this. He doesn’t know I was even half-heartedly looking for a job, let alone now been offered one! He’s said before he’s not massively keen on the idea of me working weekends as it’s the only time we all have together as a family. I knew this but realistically, I can’t work any other time as neither DC is in school yet, and I feel like I’m losing my mind.

I’m worried about telling him. Have I been horribly unreasonable?

OP tell your DH . Explain your feelings and maybe offer a compromise of doing it for 6 months to see how it pans out with both of you. Café work is hard on your feet and sometimes it can be hard to please some customers but having said that , if you feel it is going to help you , then go for it. Good luck .

And yes YBR, it would only ever be short-term that I was working weekends. My oldest DC starts school Sep 2018 and youngest the year after.

Once they’re both at school I could switch to weekday work only. I could possibly even do that once the youngest is at preschool in Sep 2018 depending on flexibility of hours.

It is definitely reasonable for you to work, I think keeping up some form of work is a positive, but for decisions that impact you both you really need to speak to him first and discuss together, rather than present as a fait accompli. I can see this has moved faster than you expected, but do speak to your dh asap!

As suggested above I'd suggest to him about doing it as a trial, as he didn't have a chance to discuss it in advance.

I know my dh is really tired after a week at work and his preference would be to not be sole parent on Saturday mornings. I work part time and we've agreed which hours are mutually agreeable to us both.

Hopefully you and your dh can agree something that suits you both.

My dh and DC have really benefitted from time when he is the sole carer whilst I'm at work. Although he found it challenging at first, he really enjoys it, and it definitely is good for their relationships.

Thank you so much for your help and input everyone.

I think general consensus, and the conclusion I’ve come to, is that I’ve been unreasonable applying without telling DH but you’ve also made me realise there are more positives to this than just saving my sanity.

When I tell DH I’ll definitely agree to it as a trial basis that has to work for both of us, that I’ll switch to weekdays as soon as I reasonably can. That it’s a great foot in the door for going back on a more full time basis when DC go to school.

I think it’s a good investment for our future family finances!

Good on you, OP. I always find on threads like this it's seen as such a burden for a man to have to care for his own children for a relatively short amount of time each week, but when it's a woman, it's downplayed so much. You've done more than your fair share of child rearing. DH's turn to step up now. Good luck!

My dh and DC have really benefitted from time when he is the sole carer whilst I'm at work.

That’s really heartening to hear Hopelessly - my youngest DC in particular is very clingy to me and whilst he’ll let DH do things if I’m not there, given the choice of both parents, he’ll always make a beeline for me so hopefully me being out of the way a bit more will be good for their relationship.

Thanks Sprinkle!

You never know, maybe this will all prove pointless worrying and DH will be really happy for me?!

I think it's a fab idea - you really need to speak to DH and explain all your reasons for wanting/needing this.

I work part time around DHs shifts so I work on his only guaranteed day off (end of working week). We still have a Saturday morning as a family and the odd weekend & Monday together. It's not ideal sometimes but DH also loves his day off to spend alone with DS and they're really close as a result.

I think you should have said something up front. A marriage is a partnership and you should talk about stuff like this and which have possible knock on effects to the other partner up front and not present them with something.

Wonder what the responses would be if a husband unilaterally decided to do a second job or extra hours on Saturdays without discussing it with his wife?

1. Try to tell him now, in an 'oh my gosh had a weird day seem to have lined up a trial for a weekend job, v unexpected, not sure how it happened so quick, fill you in on the details later' so its not such a shock when he gets home.
2. It needs to be a trial basis for you, don't necessarily give away the option to continue if you want to. (Of course it is more convenient for him to have you home, but your feelings count too).
3. Will it affect things like weekends away, seeing family etc (what holidays will you get).

In your discussion you need to be clear the status quo isn't working for you. If he hates this plan, he needs to 1. Work out how to afford childcare or 2. Go flexi time or part time to support some fixed hours he can be home so you can work.

Congrats!

Wonder what the responses would be if a husband unilaterally decided to do a second job or extra hours on Saturdays without discussing it with his wife?

I agree I should’ve spoken to DH sooner Shatner but I don’t see the above as the equivalent to this.

Wouldn’t it be more similar if DH unilaterally decided to drop one day a week in his agreed role (ie WOHP) and spend a day looking after the DC thereby ‘forcing’ me to work out of the home that day? I’m not making him work an extra day, I’m asking him to look after his children on his own one day a week?

And also, in my scenario we have more money coming in to the home, not less.

Thanks Munky!

No Jasmine, not really. We’ve never done a weekend away as a family, and if we visit family it’s always done in a day so we can just make sure all our plans are for Sundays.

To be honest, weekends as they are for us rarely involve anything much more than popping in to town or spending the day with my in-laws. Which obviously DH can still do with the DC.

Ok I don't think three hours a day minus one child is actually much of a break for you! My DH has two days a week childfree so on the weekend I get a bit of a break so in that way I'd be a bit pissy as he'd be utilising my 'free time'.

I think the route of "hey I did this impulsive thing and it happened quickly" would be good. Congrats! Im sure you're husband will be pleased for you!!

Thanks Moreis!

It makes me feel better that you’d see it that way as the working out of home parent yourself.

I’ve messaged DH to say I’ve had some hopefully very positive news but we need to discuss it together when he gets back. Which should be around 6ish. Hopefully he’ll be pleased!

You could always suggest he goes part time so you can both work part time jobs and still have family time together?

Or would he think that is expecting too much of him?

Heebie surely that would depend on their respective earning capacities? If I went part time we'd have a serious hole in our finances, one that my husband couldn't meet.

Icing I hope your discussion is going well. I'm sure he'll be happy with things once you're in the job, even if he is a bit grumbly to begin with.

I have 2 under 2 and my childcare bill is astronomical, meaning i am left with peanuts after ive paid it. I still work though because to me, work is about soooo much more than money, my career is part of my identity and being a SAHM for the 6 months I tried it were not fulfilling enough for me. 2 years and the bill will go right down, and I will have had 2 more payrises and-hopefully-a promotion and so will be far better off in the longrun.

I'm rabbiting on I know, but I just wanted to point out that just because you wouldn't make any money, it doesn't mean you can't go back to work if its what you want.

Thanks so much for all the feedback and opinions today everyone.

DH was brilliant about my new job! After an initial ‘oh, every Sunday?’, after I explained all the reasons why this would be good for us, he’s totally on board and really happy for me.

I’m so excited! I’ll be back in an actual, paid workplace!

That's great news! Congratulations on the new job. You will let us know how you settle in, right?

Well done on getting the job, icing and I’m really pleased your DH was so positive about it!

If you can afford to, I’d recommend you keep your money separate and use it to buy something (for the family) that you wouldn’t normally do, e.g. a weekend away or even just propping up your savings. I was a SAHM for years and we do this with my earnings - if not, it just gets absorbed into the joint bank account and our day to day expenditure would expand with it!!

great news! Good luck with the new job

Thanks everyone!

Yes, I’ll definitely be doing that MsVestibule, we’re lucky that we can live off DH’s salary alone so mine will be a bonus that I’ll be putting towards our first family holiday abroad next year.

That’s brilliant news, well done and good luck for this weekend!