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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Men appreciating little house on the prairie women

98 replies

munkynutts · 27/11/2017 19:57

So my mum (a working woman and bit of a rock n roll character) used to have this massive bug bear about my aunt - my dad's SIL.

She was everything my mum was and wasnt:
She didnt work and spent her time arranging flowers and baking bread
A very warm kind of maternal woman
A strong sense of family, her life revolved around family
Very kind of prim and beautifully mannered

She was a very nice woman. So is my mum, but very different.

So anyway, my mum and her got on really well, but it used to infuriate my mum that my dad found so much to appreciate about his SIL that was seemingly so opposite to her.

I kind of thought "okay mum, just chill" until I noticed MY BF doing the same.

He has this one friend whose wife is so sweet, she's a nursery teacher and just loves her job, caring for small children and doing fingerpainting and decorating her home with charmingly rustic stuff shes made. Exactly like my mum, I cant help but think - alright then, why didnt you just shack up with a woman who does fabulous things with conkers and makes her own jams then, if you're all that into it?

Dear MNers, dont freak out: I think both my mum and I get it. Our men are with us for a reason: because they appreciate our divey, slatternly, uncouth ways and spiky charms. We get it - it doesnt mean thats what they actually want.

But I'd be curious to hear if any of you have also found this with your DPs?

OP posts:

Ttbb · 27/11/2017 20:01

I think that these kinds of qualities are universally appreciated in both men and women by both men and women because they are lovely. When they are concentrated in one person to create this 'type' (as happens more often in women than it does in men) then this in itself is a point of interest.

Original poster

munkynutts · 27/11/2017 20:05

@Ttbb
"When they are concentrated in one person to create this 'type' (as happens more often in women than it does in men) then this in itself is a point of interest."

What do you mean by that? Sounds interesting.

I suppose now I think about it, its not really a question of a specific type but maybe the idea that the opppsite of what you have is always going to interest you. For example in my Mums case, she was always very glamorous and quite outspoken and even as a young child I could see that men liked her. So maybe whilst she was thinking this about SIL, SIL was possibly thinking the same in reverse.

I guess something that contrasts a lot with what you already have is always going to intrigue - it doesnt mean you would choose it though.

OP posts:

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 27/11/2017 20:05

I suspect these men see women like described and see an easy life. Dinner made, house cleaned, children looked after and she doesn’t complain about it. Hassle free staff basically.

allegretto · 27/11/2017 20:08

I think that at some point everyone (male and female) can see the advantage to having someone at home who makes the place cosy and cooks nice food!

MaryLennoxsScowl · 27/11/2017 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheRealPrincessMeghan · 27/11/2017 20:20

alegretto so true!

Interesting thread topic. My dm is more like your dm TTbb and I am the opposite of a prim home maker. I am maternal and warm but also prickly with a sharp intellect if I say so myself . My mum has always worked even when I was little and although she was always super supportive she wasn't maternal in the typical sense.

The mum of one of my df however was very maternal, warm, kind welcoming and sort of loving and I felt incredibly welcome whenever I went there. I believe the theory that both men and women feel comfy and relaxed around someone who is warm and 'homey'. I have always liked characters in books that were the matriarch making everyone feel accepted and welcome in their large home nurturing and strong. In a way I would have like to be like that but couldn't be further from it i like my guests to no overstay their welcome.

Not sure about sexual attraction though. For me very sweet people get a little bit boring and annoying after a while.

Cracklesfire · 27/11/2017 20:22

I kind of get what you mean - I have a lovely friend. She's the loveliest person you'll ever meet - DH is a little bit in love with her - in the way that he's quite protective of her and would've quite happily knocked the shit out of her ex when he screwed her over because she's lovely and you don't do that to lovely shiny people.

I've told him I think she'd make an excellent 2nd wife and step mother to our children if he outlives me.

Original poster

munkynutts · 27/11/2017 20:23

@TheRealPrincessMeghan

Yes, I dont think its sexual.

More a kind of wistful feeling, when we leave these womens houses, and DP looks at me with my smudged eye makeup and visible bra straps and says "come on then. Lets hit the road". And you can tell he's thinking "wouldnt it be nice, to have a woman who didnt have fag ash in her bed and a "FFS" at the end of every sentence".

OP posts:

goose1964 · 27/11/2017 20:24

It depends on which little house on the prairie you're talking about, the sugary cuteness of the TV show or the hard life in the books. In the latter you realise how hard the life was, as well as keeping house they would help on the farm with both livestock and crops.

These women were not stay at home mums they were hard working and practical

Original poster

munkynutts · 27/11/2017 20:25

@Cracklesfire

Exactly. I think its the word "lovely".

There are a lot of positive adjectives people could use to describe me, but not "lovely". And i dont mean that in the snide way. I mean I'm not lovely, in that warm, cosy, sunny way.

You've helped me hit the nail on the head there!

Thats what it is. The realisation that you aren't "lovely".

OP posts:

genever · 27/11/2017 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

munkynutts · 27/11/2017 20:26

@genever
Bahaahhahahahahaaaas

OP posts:

grannytomine · 27/11/2017 20:29

I suspect these men see women like described and see an easy life. Dinner made, house cleaned, children looked after and she doesn’t complain about it. Hassle free staff basically. Well if they were short of money and he was under a lot or pressure financially he might prefer someone who had a good job and shared the financial burdens. I suppose it depends on priorities.

OneOfTheGrundys · 27/11/2017 20:33

DH definitely likes a tidy ship. But he also likes doing his dream job which is notoriously insecure. So I’m the domestic slattern with the smudged eyes who works a lot. And swears. And stomps around a lot in dms and considers leopard print a neutral.

I’d love to be a comely homely type but it’s not possible right now. I’d love to be good domestically but honestly I don’t really know where to begin.

HumphreyCobblers · 27/11/2017 20:33

Pa was a drunk?! Who says this?

Surely this is not true

Sarahjconnor · 27/11/2017 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hulder · 27/11/2017 20:37

I think the men see it and they see being looked after and it being warm and fabulous for them.

They don't see their side of the deal - being the sole provider, bearing all the financial responsibility, earning enough not just to get by but to support all the kids and for the wife to do all the baking/craft stuff etc etc.

It's a fantasy.

angieloumc · 27/11/2017 20:39

Mary, wow... 'Indians'? Surely you mean Native Americans. Plus pioneer women were actually more in danger from pioneer men than anyone else.

DandelionAndBedrock · 27/11/2017 20:40

If I can offer the other perspective...

Without wanting to be a dick, I've been told by (male and female) friends that I am the cosy homemaker who works with small children and comes home with a shining face (from the glitter we didn't use today but is still in my bra somehow).

DP cannot stop waxing lyrical about a woman he works with who is a level headed, incredibly driven, successful career woman with gorgeous children and a beautiful husband. He is genuinely in awe of her. I have the same degree as DP, so I feel an insecure jealousy of the life I could perhaps have shaped for myself.

JamesBlonde1 · 27/11/2017 20:41

I’d pissed of actually. Just like if he liked brunettes all the time whilst I’m blonde. I wouldn’t be able to get my head round it . I don’t have that bother though.

Parisa78 · 27/11/2017 20:41

I'm not sure the "lovely homemaker" actually exists in reality. Everyone is multi-faceted and in general, people only do what suits them. I grew up on a farm in another country - my mother was very much the matriarch. From a young age, I had it instilled in me that if anyone comes over you feed them. I still feel the need to do that today - it's automatic. I've always cooked for DH. His friends comment on this as if it's some great rarity, but to me it's just what I do. I'm comfortable being at home and DH is the first to say this makes his life easier,l and he loves that I'm happy to be with the kids, but he definitely knows not to piss me off. Everyone has an edge to them and who really knows what dynamics exist in other people's relationships.

TheRealPrincessMeghan · 27/11/2017 20:42

Are you generally content with the way you are and does your other half make you feel desired and loved on the whole OP?

"she's a nursery teacher and just loves her job, caring for small children and doing fingerpainting and decorating her home with charmingly rustic stuff"
Not wanting to be mean but I know one women who used to be just like this, not a nursery nurse though and she cheated on her dh with a married man and destroyed two families in the process. Not everything that glitters is gold as the saying goes.

fag ash in bed is not nice though OP and a potential fire hazard

Doobigetta · 27/11/2017 20:47

(Also Pa was apparently a drunk in reality and that's why they kept moving on.)

Really?! I've never heard that. I always thought reading between the lines that he was uber-strict and straight laced- the kind of man that was all about virtue and respectability and didn't care how unhappy that harsh life made his wife.

winglesspegasus · 27/11/2017 20:50

raped by indians????????!!!
ww.thelatinlibrary.com/imperialism/notes/nativeamericanchron.html

makeourfuture · 27/11/2017 20:51

and possibly getting raped by Indians

I bet Native American women had more to fear from settlers/soldiers on that front.

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