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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to love my small city flat and not EVER want the suburbs, even with expanding family?

92 replies

Wintergirl7 · 27/11/2017 17:25

It's me, DH and 5 month old DD
Background - We bought a brand new, well finished flat in city (not London) 4 yrs ago. We were very lucky in that someone cancelled buying it, and it has good rental/resale potential (already up £20k in value). My parents helped but now we've bought them out. Great location for walking - 2 mins from play park and small shop, large private ground floor terrace (3-4 car spaces size) 5-10 mins from nursery, church, our preferred state primary school and big beautiful park. Also allocated parking!
However, as with most new builds storage isn't brilliant. We have a an open kitchen/diner/living room space, 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms (one ensuite). Our bedroom has a walk in wardrobe, bedside tables and travel cot and we can just move around and no more. Other room, DD's nursery has a large storage unit and is about 4.5 by 3.5 m ish of floor space once you take account of that.

Here's the thing - I can't stand the suburbs. the idea of moving to one makes me claustrophobic. I grew up in a really nice one, and have experience of another two, but I find them so barren and isolating (a few hairdressers, coffee shop and corner shop?) compared to having theatres, parks, pubs so close. And the ones I like are unaffordable.
I love the variety of people, tourist and students in city etc not just families. I drive but I don't like to, DH drives, I like walking.

I love DD to bits and I'm a bit broody for no.2, but I'd be devastated to move from our neighbourhood. There may be 3 bedrooms close by, but we'll have to move towards the rougher bit of the city to afford them, which may cause primary school issues and I suspect they'll be snapped up.

WIBU to live in small-ish flat by choice, and live as clutter free as possible? Would it be fair to DD? Not until DD is a teenager or anything, but at least until sometime in late primary. DH is open to it, but willing to play it by ear. My friend has her two girls in bunk beds. We're considering a storage unit. People seem to assuming we'll be moving and look at me like I'm nuts.....

PS We are interested in trying to save (starting early!) to send DD to private secondary (3 excellent ones in area) but know it will cost an arm and leg, any threads/websites you can recommend please point them my way...

OP posts:
araiwa · 28/11/2017 11:13

Living alone in a small apartment was terrible.

Doing it with 3 others seems insanity

coddiwomple · 28/11/2017 11:14

Life in a city centre is far richer than any suburb or village.

Hmm

You might find that the educational level and/or financial resources of a family have much more to do than your geographic location! There are some areas of London where you wouldn't even allow a child to walk from school and the kids don't benefit from any of the resources of the capital.
There are some children living in rural areas with unlimited access to sport, a house full of book and weekends or holidays exploring one country or another.
Some kids in central London spend their time in front of the TV, some kids in the suburbs have a calendar fuller than the Queen's schedule.

Your childhood depends a lot more on your parents than the fact you live in a flat or a house. As a parent, I take the detached house anyday, because it makes MY life so much easier Grin

tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 14:24

Life in a city centre is far richer than any suburb or village

Such stupid smug bollocks. I grew up in a high rise shithole in the inner city. Nothing "rich" about it, and my life now in a tiny seaside village is far better, more fun, more high brow, more everything.

Smug hipster wannabes wanking on about inner city living, not knowing fuck all about the true inner city.

Creambun2 · 28/11/2017 14:27

When people shit on about inner city living they generally mean Islington

mikulkin · 28/11/2017 14:48

OP, if you are in a city with park next to you in nice area and loving it I would suggest just stay there.
We live in central London in a flat and I can't imagine living in suburbs. I don't feel my DS missed out on things. Yes, maybe we didn't have large garden but we have always had large parks nearby, museums to explore etc etc.
Now and then my DS when he was little would go on playdates to his friends' houses and play on their trampolines in their large gardens, but believe it or not they mostly did so when their friends would come over, not much on their own.
We have always lived in a nice area so DS started wondering around on his own from year 6 (so you don't really need to live in suburb to do so).
Funnily enough most of his friends always gathered at ours despite us having a "smallish" flat and all of them living in houses.

Of course you need to live clutter free, but is that a bad thing? I have a rule "If something is not worn or used for more than 6 months it is time to sell/give to charity" - works great.

My DP (who has always lived in suburbs) does struggle with noise (he likes to open a window and hear nothing at all - doesn't happen often here) but he appreciates short commute and everything the city offers.

My only regret is sending DS to private school - I would not advise that. Don't misunderstand me - the education was and is great, and all his friends are nice and smart boys. But I still think it would have been good for him to have friends living next door and seeing all kind of different backgrounds instead of living in a vacuum with most of his friends using bus/tube to come to ours (my DS is 16 now).

Steakandchips3 · 28/11/2017 15:10

Yanbu. I totally understand it. The suburbs make me feel claustrophobic too. I think it's great to bring kids up in a city with lots of diversity, places to visit, amenities, etc.

Mrsfrumble · 28/11/2017 15:35

A "naice" garden flat in Islington may be a very different experience to a tower block in Homerton, but they both constitute inner city living.

The experience of living anywhere, urban, suburban or rural, is going to be more enjoyable when there is a bit of money and control over circumstances involved.

aintnothinbutagstring · 28/11/2017 16:03

Yes we live in a small city (a yuppy commuter town really) and are a 15min walk from the city centre in a smallish flat, 2dc. Our dc go to primary just out of the centre but will probably go to the centrally located secondary. Its great in the holidays as we're near to everything, museum is a stones throw with a well established park, leisure centre where they do all their sports is a short drive. We love it.

aintnothinbutagstring · 28/11/2017 16:05

Probably the one thing I don't love is the traffic but you'd struggle to escape that even in suburbia.

onceandneveragain · 28/11/2017 16:58

I think squeezing 4 people in a tiny flat while spending £70k sending two DC through private secondary (or even 1 DC and £35k) is utter lunacy myself but you are free to prioritise your money however you wish! Can't help thinking you may rethink when you have two teenagers - mid twenty somethings screaming at each other, fighting over the bathroom, filling home with all their crap and playing musical instruments/loud club classics through the walls though....

Also surely city/suburb costs and benefits differ hugely depending on which suburb...a 2 bed house in a suburb of Kent will be £££ more than a 3 bed flat in Swansea, for example.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 28/11/2017 17:10

I live just outside London in the dreaded suburbs, and we love it. Nice (well, soon to be nice when it’s finished!) house with a garden, outstanding school, five minutes to the station and 25 to London. We go to the theatre once or twice a month and experience all the parks and museums you do Wink

I love it. It’s the perfect combination for everyone’s happiness.

Frege · 28/11/2017 17:31

I would also hate to live in the suburbs. Horses for courses.

Of course YANBU. And IME kids in cities get a huge amount of freedom- wonderful public transport on the doorstep means they can travel all over London on their own from a relatively young age.

whoareyou123 · 28/11/2017 18:29

Frege the public transport in London might be wonderful but the OP doesn't live in London.

You don't need to live in a flat in the 'centre' to have easy access to public transport.

Tinycitrus · 28/11/2017 18:41

I think there’s difference between the ‘nice’ suburbs with their excellent links to cities and ‘nice’ neighbours etc and the shithole suburbs with the youths congregating outside the kebab shops, dog shit, broken glass and an undercurrent of casual violence to negotiate on a Saturday night.

Basically nice places sre ‘nice’ whether remote, rural or urban.

And there are good people everywhere.

Frege · 28/11/2017 19:31

Whoareyou123, I know she doesn't. My point was that public transport in cities tends to be very good and I gave an example from my own life. I was writing in response the the poster a few above who suggested that children in cities have no freedom- it's simply not true.

More generally, I will never understand the urge people on here seem to have to slag off everything outside what they personally have chosen. It's not an insult to your choices to choose something different. Such a weird and insecure approach to life.

dangermouse7 · 28/11/2017 19:55

I have lived in the city, and in the sticks, and also the suburbs. The suburbs was my least favourite. Some people have said some their suburb is OK with shops and theatres and high streets and pubs and suchlike, but many suburbs are not like that. If you're lucky, you will have a little 'spar' type shop and a bus stop.

The sort of suburb on the outskirts of the town I used to live, had homes that were mostly post early 80's. And all the old fields and meadows of the town were swamped with 1000s of new houses. And many homes were situated in a cul de sac, in a cul de sac, in a cul de sac, with the nearest bus stop 12-15 minutes walk, the main town 5 miles away, and no shops for a minimum of 2 to 3 miles..

At the same time, they lacked character, soul, and personality, and were rammed with the snooty faux middle classes with their 4 wheel drive car on the drive (cos you NEED a 4 wheel drive in the suburbs of a large town!) who worked in lower management.

I lived in a suburb for 7 years and pretty much hated it to be honest. I lived in a cul de sac inside a cul de sac that was 5 miles from the nearest town, the cinema, the train station, and takeaways and chip shops, high streets, pubs, restaurants etc. The neighbours were snooty and unfriendly, and we only moved there for the excellent primary school that was 2 minutes walk from the end of our cul de sac. All we had was a bus stop 10 minutes walk from our house, and one little shop 15 minutes walk away from our house where the products were double the normal price.

If someone lives in a suburb that has theatres and takeaways and shops and a train station and restaurants and pubs within a few minutes walk, then I would suggest that is more like a small town. No suburb I have ever experienced is like that. It may have a pub, or one shop, and a bus stop, but it certainly doesn't have the myriad of things some people claim their suburb has.

Living in the city is good in some ways, for culture, theatres, restaurants, good transport, jobs, concert venues, nightlife, takeaways, lots of shops etc etc, and you could probably walk to work, but there is the downside; high volume of traffic and people, pollution, and crime and noise. An OK place to live as a young single person (or couple,) but I wouldn't want to bring kids up in an inner city. As a pp said, the inner city is not the glam and cool metro experience that people are making it out to be, and it isn't the best place to raise a family imo.

Being in the sticks is a great place to be, for beauty and nature and woodlands and waterways etc, and there is low crime, low traffic, few people, and low pollution, and the schools are often good, and the communities much closer, with many activities for the villagers. And it's a good place to raise kids. But they are often close to small market towns with few things going on, and not a lot there except the most basic shops, (and you can sometimes be 40 minutes drive from the nearest train station, cinema, or theatre, or a big shopping centre.)

So IMO, the city is good to live as a young (child-free) person or couple, but being in the sticks is a slightly better place when you're older.

Ideally, the best place to raise kids is (IMO) living in a village that's only 5 or 6 miles from a fairly big town or small city (pref with a train station on the edge of the village for good transport links and a 5 minute train ride into the big town/city.) Places like this are less common though, and expensive to live in.

Each to their own though, and I would not berate anyone for their choices. Smile

Wintergirl7 · 28/11/2017 21:48

@heatherbell my parents are currently decluttering a 4 bedroom suburban house with double garage too! I sympathise as I'm involved, all my old art projects and toys are being dug out and binned....
@dangermouse7 and @thecatsthecats I think you hit the nail on the head, a commuter town which has been "swallowed" by the city and has become a de facto suburb would probably have great facilities, theatres etc. but the "cul de sac, in a cul de sac" 1960's 70's and 80's new builds housing developments built on old green belts are the ones I struggle with. All crammed in and symmetrical - didn't Billy Connolly call them "A desert wi' windows?"
Incidentally, up until I was 11 I lived in a small village about 8-10 miles from city, great for childhood, but nothing for teenager and not great secondary school, which is why my parents moved to suburb.
Although for the record although I hated the suburb I grew up in as a teenager, my close neighbours were mostly lovely but older and kept themselves to themselves.
I mention clutter because I'm an emotional "clutterer" and my DH is more ruthless with clutter, though I've got better...he's trying to make me get rid of our sugar wedding cake toppers! nooo! Have been pretty ruthless with DDs toys and got rid of a lot to baby bank already - they all fit easily in one bag for life (plus jumperoo and playmat) - I know, I know, easy enough when they are 5 months, just wait, right???

I am a 25-30 minute walk from absolute city centre and the flat is remarkably quiet - so I wouldn't say very inner city. My work commute is 15 minute walk, 8 mins on tube and 5 mins walk. DH has 12 minute cycle to his. Public transport is good but bus services hit hard by cuts

@mikulkin my parents chose not to take the grammar/private route for me as they believed it raised you in a "bubble" from real life and state school made you better prepared - perhaps that's true I don't know. My best friend was a boarder and she had a fab time, sounded like bloomin Hogwarts whereas another friend was miserable,she is very introverted, and much happier when moved to the state school.

Again, I'm not judging anyones' choice, each to their own - there has been quite a variety of preference and experience.

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