Would you be annoyed at this?

[Kellyopio]

I'm early 30s and since I was 19 I've been the sole carer for a grandparent with Alzheimer's.
My aunt lives abroad and hasn't visited for 3 years.
My uncle lives near and doesn't help at all.
It all gets a lot for me and has caused me lots of sadness.
I work 16 hours per week basically because I can't work anymore as I have to get here at 7 am give breakfast,get gran ready .
Go to work for 9 till 1 ..come back and make lunch then go for the shopping.
Make her afternoon tea for 3,4.30 start getting her ready for bed then 5pm give her tea.
Go home till 8 pm then come back give her medication and put her to bed.
My aunt is visiting with uncle and cousin and his wife next year.
She rang yesterday and said when we come over tell my family you work full time as you don't want to look like a lazy work shy bum.

Wow

Well if I hadn't wasted the last 13 -14 years being the sole carer for your ill mother maybe I could have a good job now and instead I don't ..whilst you sun it up in Dubai in your villa!!!
I'm so hurt /angry

Hi Kelly

Poor you! Yes of course she is being unreasonable.

Have you approached social services to see if there is anything they can put in place to support you? That's an awful lot of responsibility to shoulder alone

I would make an Excel spreadsheet of your timetable just as you have described and send it to her in a blank email

Sounds shit.

Have you contacted adult care at the council/social services? They can do an assessment to see if some help can be put in place for your grandparent. She might be able to have carers come in to do the jobs during the day, then you could go round in the evening to give her her medication.

It doesn't seem right that you're left with all the care when your uncle lives nearby.

I've spoke about it before but aunt doesn't want outside help.
I wrote a long email last week explaining I was down and struggling and couldn't stand much more of it.
She didn't acknowledge it,and just carried on as normal.
I wish she would get a taste of what this is like.

Wow, she sounds like a bitch. I say you should give her a real talking to infront if her family to teach her a lesson.

You do work full time-as a carer!

Cheeky cow!! Tell her if she and your useless Uncle got off their arses to help that you could work F/T!!

In fact, give them a list of what needs doing and when and tell them you’ve got a F/T job and they’ll need to pick up the slack!

I’m furious for you OP!

I bet she doesnt want her husband to know that her mother needs this much help and you're the one doing it.

She wants her family to think you work full time and her mum is fine - because otherwise she looks like the bitch she is.

I would show her up in front of her husband kelly.

Fuck.
Ing.
Hell.

Don't you dare do as she asks.

I wonder if it could even be something as devious as she gets your uncle to give her some extra money "to pay for mums carer" - so she wants you to pretend you work fulltime and shes telling her husband she pays for care.

Bit far fetched maybe? But people are devious...

Have you posted about this before?

I'm sure there was a similar problem in a previous thread, maybe someone with good searching skills could find it and see what the advice was.

Does anyone else remember?

YABU to only be annoyed, I would be fucking livid!!
I’d be telling people exactly what you do and show her up for the vile bitch she is.

I agree send her your timetable and ask when you are meant to work more and maybe she will see that outside help is needed and best for her mother. Or get social services in this and let them deal with her xx

I've spoke about it before but aunt doesn't want outside help.

Your aunt who doesn't help doesn't want outside help? What? Why is that her choice considering she does nothing to help anyway? She really should have no say at all in the matter.

I"I've spoke about it before but aunt doesn't want outside help. ".

I think she has misled you 're now much of a say/veto she has in this!
It is not in her mother's best interest for her primary carer (you) to burn out.
The court of protection would be on your side here!
She doesn't necessarily get final day here just because she's next of kin!

Who cares what your aunt wants? She us not doing any of the work.
Get onto social services and try and get some help. It is an awful disease and your grandmother will need more and more care as time goes on.

You need to stop "asking" your aunt
Involve social services, explain the situation, go over her head. You CAN do this, your grandparents best interests override your aunts demands here!

What?!! But you DO work full time, in fact, you work more than full time.

Your visiting family need to be told exactly what you do for your nan and if your aunt doesn't agree with it she needs to find a solution so you can go to work full time (where you'd have an easier time than you are at the moment).

Jesus Christ, I'm livid for you.

Do you get Carers Allowance? Are all the appropriate services in place to help you and your grandmother? I'd be doing all of it without the bloody aunt. How dare she.

"I agree send her your timetable"
I disagree, OP needs stop answering to her, she's taken HERSELF out of the equation so she doesn't get to tell OP What to do!

What the aunt is doing is potential financial abuse: blocking needed support & card so that she'll inherit more?

Tell her to fuck off.

I wouldn't bother seeing the family when they come over either. If anyone asks why, tell them you're too busy being a lazy workshy bum.

but aunt doesn't want outside help.

Tough shit! She's not the one doing all the helping. You are.

Agree. Send her your timetable.

Tell her you will be approaching social services.

Tell her if she doesn't like it, to come and look after her own mother.

You sound lovely but I think your family is taking advantage of you. Time to give your Uncle and his wife and your cousin a kick up their backsides too. Your grandmother is very lucky to have you.

Book a holiday for when your aunt is visiting. Email her your GPs care time table 1 week beforehand. Go FAR AWAY.

You can get a carers assessment for yourself from Social Services, and should do this to get a bit of perspective on the situation and see about other carers coming in so that you can take some holiday or have days off yourself. An older person with Alzheimer's does not usually live 13 or 14 years wit the condition, perhaps it might be an idea also to arrange a reassessment of her health needs, some people who were diagnosed with Alzheimer's years ago have in fact got other conditions, as the diagnosis techniques then were not so good. AGE UK is a good resource to check out everything that you ma be entitled to.

You are being taken advantage of and she will continue to do it whilst you allow it. At best she wants the continuity of care, at worst she wants to preserve her inheritance.
You will have given up your social life and financial stability as you are not earning what you can - all for what? No appreciation from the family. I hope that your Grandparent appreciates you.

You sound lovely but it's not fair that you are sacrificing so much of your life. Do you feel able to tell your Aunt that on such a such day you will be stepping back and she will need to sort cover for the rest? Or do you have someone who could intervene on your behalf who could stand up for you if you feel unable to do it yourself?

Please don't continue to let yourself be taken advantage of any longer. Tell your Aunt that yes, she is right you do need to find full time work and thank her for reminding you of this. Over to her. And whatever you do don't cover up what you actually do to the rest of the family. Maybe they will be on your side if they have their eyes opened to the reality of what you are sacrificing.