Would you be annoyed at this?

[Kellyopio]

I'm early 30s and since I was 19 I've been the sole carer for a grandparent with Alzheimer's.
My aunt lives abroad and hasn't visited for 3 years.
My uncle lives near and doesn't help at all.
It all gets a lot for me and has caused me lots of sadness.
I work 16 hours per week basically because I can't work anymore as I have to get here at 7 am give breakfast,get gran ready .
Go to work for 9 till 1 ..come back and make lunch then go for the shopping.
Make her afternoon tea for 3,4.30 start getting her ready for bed then 5pm give her tea.
Go home till 8 pm then come back give her medication and put her to bed.
My aunt is visiting with uncle and cousin and his wife next year.
She rang yesterday and said when we come over tell my family you work full time as you don't want to look like a lazy work shy bum.

Wow

Well if I hadn't wasted the last 13 -14 years being the sole carer for your ill mother maybe I could have a good job now and instead I don't ..whilst you sun it up in Dubai in your villa!!!
I'm so hurt /angry

I'm living or shall I surviving off £150 a week
After rent ..I've got the bare minimum to live on.

@Kellyopio you sound like an incredible granddaughter. Please do have a carer's assessment. Imagine if you were suddenly unwell and couldn't go to your grandma. Someone would need to know that she relies on you.

& you are still a good granddaughter if you DON'T do full time care, if you apply for full time work and inform ss that your GM has no care any more that does not make you a bad granddaughter at all. You need to look after yourself otherwise you won't be able to give indefinitely.

You feel like you're being taken advantage of, because you ARE being taken advantage of.

Please get a carer's assessment.

Wow what a thoughtless selfish aunt you have. Ignore her and get all the help you can, she's not doing anything to help. You have a lot on your plate. I'm angry for you!

Your aunt and uncle are arseholes

As others up thread have said contact SS/get carers assessment and see what help they can offer you. It really isn't fair that you are having to do this all by yourself

Your grandmother could be eligible for care from social services. Call tomorrow and arrange an assessment. It's free and it could make a huge difference to both of you.

Does anyone have Power of Attorney for your grandmother? Sounds like you are the most appropriate person to hold that position. If she's still sufficiently compos mentis then it should be reasonably easy to arrange (though there is a charge).

Lots of good advice to consider - this can't go on.
Definitely time someone else took responsibility, while you have a rest, at least, and I'd arrange to leave SS in charge while Aunt's visiting.

As everyone is saying- you are amazing and taking such great care of your grandma. But you need support too. Can you find time in your heavy time table to contact someone- social services and maybe the Alzheimer society (our local branch has been amazing) you and your grandma need and deserve a little regular respite.
Also, although I agree that Auntie and uncle are not even close to pulling their weight- they may genuinely be unaware of just how much support your grandma needs. It’s difficult to accept what is involved and how much someone has deteriorated from a distance.
They may believe that you are exaggerating (I suspect you are actually under estimating) Is there a way you could maybe let them know? For example by sending occasional catch up Skype messages? Not “poor us see how hard it is” ones but “hi auntie here’s grandma, she’s having a good day so thought you might like a chat where she can see you” (her needs will become much clearer when auntie sees for herself)
And next year when she and the family come over it won’t be such a shock when you go to your “full time work “ and leave them alone ty cope whilst you catch up with what ever you want for a few days.

Sunday I wasn't well at all,I had a sickness bug so thankfully my dad went over and made her lunch etc.
I rang her at 6 and she answered and was upset saying she missed me and her kettle wasn't working.
So I had to drag myself feeling awful..ended up being two hours over and I sent my aunt a email.

Explaining what had happened and basically it was the straw that broke the camels back.
How my gran is getting more nastier at times to me (with her mind) explaining I'm finished with this situation.
No reply
Then she calls the day after and laughs it off ..
Her favourite thing to say
"Well you know she's getting old now Kelly,count to 10 and ignore it,walk out the room,do some housework"
You have no idea how angry that makes me.
I've had no life for years,whilst she's bragging her daughters working here,doing this ..while I'm a glorified Cinderella.
She expects me to do this till the day God Forbid she isn't here anymore.
She doesn't care that it's running me into the ground,she doesn't care how much I cry on the phone to her.
She's not bothered,the only person who would have helped me and been on my side is my mum.
Instead she's lying in a cemetery whilst her other two kids are horrible and they didn't get ill tho..
Not that I wish it on anyone but why
It's not fair

She knows she has me over a barrel
She knows I love my gran like a mum and would never leave her without care and she knows I know if I wasn't there my grans heart would break.
I could never do that to my gran,I wouldn't.
She knows that there's no limit to what il do because I will never turn my back on my gran so she can just never come over and I will never leave.

If my mum was here things would be so different.
We would have helped each other out.
Took in turns,been support for each other.
It's so shit,the one thing I want is my mum back and I can never get her back whilst them two are fine.
It's not fair

OP, I understand you are upset but have you actually taken on board any of the advice here about contacting social services? They would be able to take some of the pressure of you.

OP, you've been advised many times to contact social services. This is in yours AND your gran's best interests. You are not letting her down by trying to get help put in place, quite the opposite. She needs care that you will be unable to give her. Do it for her, ring them today.

Only you can change your situation, your family won't.

Firstly I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum and your nan being poorly.
You are a wonderful person, caring for someone with dementia is very demanding and heartbreaking.
Please speak to age concern, they are a wonderful charity who will help you with what needs to be put in place to support you and your nan. If you don't want to then you don't need to step back, you sound like you love and care for your nan very much and want to be the one who cares for her - but you also sound like you need support with it all.
Your aunt does not get to dictate here. You're the one doing the day to day care and aware of your Nan's needs, not her, she cannot effectively put up barriers to the right care being provided for your nan.
As for her request, if it were me I'd be replying with one final message.

"Dear Aunt. There will be no issue regarding your family thinking I'm a work shy bum, as I have zero intention of seeing you because of the way you've treated myself and nan. I am Nan's sole carer, and as such I am putting her care needs first, and that includes support for me as no other family are willing to provide it, which is detrimental ultimately to nan. Any further contact from you will be ignored."

There are a few charities and organizations that can help with what help you can access. Please for yourself and your nan make use of these - you will both benefit.

In response to your aibu. Of course I’d be annoyed. But I also wouldn’t be willing or able to do what you are doing. You are making yourself into a martyr victim by sacrificing your entire life for your grandma. Is that what you want to do?

Your aunt and uncle aren’t going to come and rescue you. You need to rescue yourself. And put some of your needs first. There are options out there for care in the community if that’s most appropriate for your gran.

In the nicest possible way, you are choosing this situation because you’re not doing anything to change it.

1. You're not going to get support from your aunt, so stop asking for it

1. You're not doing your nan any favours by being her ONLY carer, as her disease progresses she needs to slowely be introduced to increased intervention, much easier on HER if that starts now with her having a few different carers, that way if anything happens to you she will be used to the back up and won't be plonked into an emergency placement which will disorient and scare her and make her much worse!

So please please get some outside help in for HER sake, since you aren't going to do it for your own sake.

Social Services have been advised by many posters. The reality of trying to get Social Services to help with an elderly ill disabled person is like banging your head of a brick wall. Social Services are unable to see that they more they push onto the one relative (and it usually is just one relative) the more damage they do not only to the elderly person but also the carer. They will expect he carer to go on and on. I have even seen the carer die before the elderly person.
This need legislation from the Government to ensure the care of the elderly/disabled and the carer being supported to keep on going.
The Aunt should be ashamed of herself and should be paying towards the care of her mother if she refuses to provide actual care.

Social services probably won't fund extra care, that is true especially since it sounds like there is the means to self fund but it's being witheld, they WILL however be interested in following up a cause for concern re financial abuse/neglect and will help out things in place so that the OP can get her GMs funds accessed to pay carers.

OP, stop trying to get your aunt's blessing to get some help. She isn't going to give it. You are correct in assuming that she doesn't care about you.

You can bet your bottom dollar she will also do her best to ensure you get as little as possible in the will.

If your gran has savings or property, she can pay for the care she needs. You can still see her lots but you would could do the life-enhancing extras, not the day to day work.

Contact social care and ask them to help you arrange care and make sure you have a way to pay for it, using your gran's money.

When your aunt finds out, she will probably call you every name under the sun. Ignore her. She wants to treat you like a Cinderella and not even a glorified one. She will get over it when she realises she can't take advantage of you any longer.