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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed at this?

70 replies

Kellyopio · 27/11/2017 13:02

I'm early 30s and since I was 19 I've been the sole carer for a grandparent with Alzheimer's.
My aunt lives abroad and hasn't visited for 3 years.
My uncle lives near and doesn't help at all.
It all gets a lot for me and has caused me lots of sadness.
I work 16 hours per week basically because I can't work anymore as I have to get here at 7 am give breakfast,get gran ready .
Go to work for 9 till 1 ..come back and make lunch then go for the shopping.
Make her afternoon tea for 3,4.30 start getting her ready for bed then 5pm give her tea.
Go home till 8 pm then come back give her medication and put her to bed.
My aunt is visiting with uncle and cousin and his wife next year.
She rang yesterday and said when we come over tell my family you work full time as you don't want to look like a lazy work shy bum.

Wow

Well if I hadn't wasted the last 13 -14 years being the sole carer for your ill mother maybe I could have a good job now and instead I don't ..whilst you sun it up in Dubai in your villa!!!
I'm so hurt /angry

OP posts:
kateandme · 27/11/2017 13:35

what
a
knobble
head
hun wow.what your doing is so lovely.go you and the human spirit is once again restored In me.
I don't think you aunt gets a say whether there is outside help.as her carer this is now your choice.and it being this way for over a decade I think you now get to make that deision.
it doesn't have to be a takeover.just so you get a different four walls.a difference to your own day.as they say "respite" you have a life to live and need to have it otherwise you will lose yourself.
this wont be forever so you need to be able to go out and be in the big wide world when that happens.i don't want you to be standed without a cause or future.
your not alone in caring for a family member and feeling the strain.noone can empathise exactly but those who have done similar can feel your struggle.
if this is how your aunt Is all you can do is put her attitude I nthe 'fuckit bucket' becaue that's all her comments deserve.binning.
keep going,what your doing in amazing.i know it cant be easy.
get help if you can.an hour a day or even week to be you would make so much difference honestly it would.
and be yourself when they come to visit and if they comment just laugh madly in her face."are you actually kidding me right now you ungrateful ungiving twat"

astoundedgoat · 27/11/2017 13:36

She is being absolutely outrageous.

Have you spoken to the council about support or getting a carer's allowance?

Also, I know this is probably something you have considered, but could you possibly finance someone to bring her lunch and check in on her once during the day?

You don't need to go to the shops every single day - have shopping delivered once a week and have someone bring her lunch, and possibly check in on her again at 5pm, then you get home from work at 6pm.

Obviously I don't know what you do for a living, but I'm sure that with some council support you could find a way to get your working hours back up to full time, because you don't need a stranger on Mumsnet to tell you that you are harming your career by working part time at this stage.

You don't need to feel ANY guilt about cutting your other family members out of this picture completely - YOU are the sole carer and YOU need support. And I bet that her entire estate is going to go to her children - and not a penny to you - and they are terrified that they're going to lose her house if she goes into a home.

You have the power to put a stop to this and make sure that your grandmother gets the care she needs without leaving yourself destitute in the process.

Whinesalot · 27/11/2017 13:36

And yes check out whether SS will deal with just you.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 27/11/2017 13:37

Social services won't give a shiney shit what your Aunt wants or doesn't want. This is about your grandparent. Contact SS and get yourself some help with this.
If your Aunt say anything, tell her what you said in the first post.
Well if I hadn't wasted the last 13 -14 years being the sole carer for your ill mother maybe I could have a good job now and instead I don't ..whilst you sun it up in Dubai in your villa!!!
Plus add, so when are you going to step and do some actual work with your mother then Auntie.

Goldmandra · 27/11/2017 13:37

What the aunt is doing is potential financial abuse: blocking needed support & card so that she'll inherit more?

^ This

You are sacrificing a career in order to save your grandmother's money being spent, thereby reducing your aunt's inheritance.

Speak to social care and ask them to organise a care package which will be paid for by your grandmother if she has sufficient funds.

Insist on a care package that allows you to work the hours that are right for you and allow you to visit her in the evenings to spend nice family time with her but also give you the freedom to not visit if you have something else on.

Your family members are taking advantage of you. You need to stop enabling it, starting today.

BrizzleDrizzle · 27/11/2017 13:41

I've spoke about it before but aunt doesn't want outside help.

It's not up to her - she's off living a life of luxury abroad and you are the sole carer for your grandparent. It's your choice whether or not you have outside help unless your Aunt/Uncle come back and look after their parent themselves.

MsHarry · 27/11/2017 13:47

My god you poor thing. What an amazing job you've been doing.Your aunt sounds awful imo. I think you need to be open about it all and try to come to an agreement. You can't carry on like this, what life can you have?

MrsExpo · 27/11/2017 13:48

Have just read through this thread and I’m beyond furious on your behalf OP. Who the ^¥$*& does she think she is?? Do as others have suggested ... get on the phone to SS and see what help and support you’re entitled to. And while you’re at it, tell your aunt that, while they’re over visiting, you are taking a well earned break and they can look after granny while you’re gone. Please don’t carry on like this. You are entitled to a life too. Do you have a partner/friends etc?

Angrybird345 · 27/11/2017 13:51

Where is your mother/father in all this? I assume you have little income and pension also? You need to think about sorting a career out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/11/2017 13:58

This is all about the inheritance. Poor you. Poor grandma. Please get SS in as pps have said.

Willow2017 · 27/11/2017 14:02

Its not up to her she has fuck all to do with her mum.
Get ss involved and take all the help you can get and reclaim your life back.
You have been amazing and its time you had help.

Tell her in front if everyone what you do each day and that while she is over here she can do it as you are having a holiday (give her a detailed print out so she doesn't 'forget' anything) And give her family a copy if your email (and your uncle) and ask her why she didnt reply to it.
Cant believe what a selfish cow she is and your uncle too.
Well done you its an exhausting job you are doing no matter how much you love your gran but its time you thought about yourself first.

Liiinoo · 27/11/2017 14:06

I agree with the people saying give yourself a break while your CF aunt is there. Even if you can't afford to go away, give yourself some time off. Don't do breakfasts or shopping or night Meds. Let her daughter do it all and you can just drop in for a cup of tea and a chat when it is convenient to you.

Email her saying that her email makes it clear she is unaware how much care her mum needs these days so to help her out whilst she is over you have attached a timetable of what is needed and you will always be at the end of a phone if she needs it.

Then when Queen Bitch of Dubai swans back home get in touch with the council to get the care you and your nan need.

YorkieDorkie · 27/11/2017 14:09

I would embarrass the hell out of her by repeating exactly what she called you in front of her family.

TinselTwins · 27/11/2017 14:11

"I would embarrass the hell out of her by repeating exactly what she called you in front of her family"

Forward her email to everyone

kateandme · 27/11/2017 14:12

I don't want to talk about such things but...do u ever discuss the will.not that ur doing this for money.no no ! shes family its what we do.but I'm worried with you having your life on hold.and then I presume your grandparents money/estate will usually pass to next of kin and her kids.but what about you?

Motoko · 27/11/2017 14:23

Fuck what your aunt wants!

Ring social services today.

Ecureuil · 27/11/2017 14:27

Have you posted about this before? I’m sure I have read the exact same post.

MillennialFalcon · 27/11/2017 14:37

I agree with previous posters (I think this is a unanimous YANBU!) As your gran's carer and a close relative you should be able to ask social services for support for her yourself, it doesn't need to be through your aunt who isn't involved in her care. And please be completely upfront and honest with your aunt's family that you are unable to work full time because of the extent of the care you provide for your grandmother. The way you have been treated is very unfair. I know that it can be very difficult to stand up to people, especially those close to you but this situation is unsustainable, something has to give and it shouldn't be you. Don't think of it as selfish, taking steps to resolve this issue is in your gran's best interests as it will affect her if you burn out. Getting the proper professional support in place is best for both of you.

StressedtoHellandback · 27/11/2017 14:39

Several posters have mentioned about reading somethng similar to this before. I dont know if it is but this is generally how carers are treated by family. One person takes on the heavy load and the others sit back talking a big story.
Unfortunately there could well be worse to come. When the old lady dies I bet the Aunt will be there at the speed of light to claim any money. The Old Lady being diagnosed is probably unable to make a Will now.

It is long past time that carers who give up their lives, liveliehoods and possibly also their health to care for the elderly and sick are protected in Law.

Ecureuil · 27/11/2017 14:54

The thing that stuck in my mind from last time was the bit about having to tell family members she works full time so they don’t think she’s lazy/a bum. The aunt in that case lived abroad too and was coming to visit with other family members.

TinselTwins · 27/11/2017 15:14

I don't think it's uncommon for the non carer relatives to be scathing about not only the way the carer cares, but also their own life "choices".

Whinesalot · 27/11/2017 15:18

And be aware that SS will be reluctant to get involved if they can help it. Whilst you are doing their work for them they don't have much motivation to help you. You may need to be fairly forceful and insist that you can't/will no longer, do all of it and that they have to get involved. You may have to say that she will be untended before they will step in.

crazycatlady5 · 27/11/2017 15:24

Book a holiday for when your aunt is visiting. Email her your GPs care time table 1 week beforehand. Go FAR AWAY.

THIS.

Original poster
Kellyopio · 27/11/2017 15:57

Sorry for late reply,just got 5 mins now.
My late mum was my grandmas daughter.
I feel like I have/am being taken advantage of.
I feel like I'm in a situation il never get out of.
I don't get carers allowance no,if I did it would mean my grans pension credit would be reduced by the same amount as carers allowance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellyopio · 27/11/2017 15:58

They aren't coming over till August next year ..
Seems like a lifetime away
My gran is 98 now.
I feel she's putting it off hoping that my gran will just pass away and she won't have the bother.

OP posts:
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