To be so down about the school gates

[LittleYellowTree]

It's pathetic that's it's affecting me so much but I'm dreading the school runs now. I know quite a few people so thought it would ok, I'm sociable chatty but still end up on my own. Dread walking through everyone having a good chat while I'm heading home for another day with baby.
Do get out to some groups here and there and have other friends on mat leave but since eldest started reception it's been harder- didn't realise how isolating it can make you feel.

Isolated

Horrid isn't it? I apparently offended someone (no idea how or why, and I couldn't care less now) but all the sycophants ignored me in her presence. Yes it hurts, yes it's awful, but you know what? You're better than that.

I used to put my MP3 ear phones in and stick the jack in my pocket then walk round smiling to myself and nodding along to my imaginary music. What the idiots didn't realise was that I could hear every word, but they got bored as they could see I wasn't bothered. Someone, sometime will notice you and talk to you and then you'll be sorted. Probably, when you are least expecting it.

My 2 closest friends from the kids' primary school days came about like that, one part-way through reception and the other in year 6. I still have lunch with both of them even though those kids are 18/19 now. Hang on in there, smile at people and it will get better.

People at the school gates are just people. If you want a chat start one with someone. It would be nice if someone approached you but if that doesn't happen you can approach them. It isn't up to other people to always be the instigators. Start with a smile and an hello every morning if the thought of just starting a conversation scares you. Everybody else is just trying to take their children to school too.

Firstly remember lots of those parents have known each other for a while - they may have older siblings at the school or kids went to the same nursery or do classes together etc. So although it may look like they've made instant friends, they haven't!

Secondly - put yourself out there a bit. I quite often go and stand at the edge of a group if I vaguely know someone in it, and just wait for a chance to join in. Nobody bites my head off! Doesn't always lead to friendship but you have to start somewhere. Be brave - work on the assumption that most parents in your DC's class will be quite happy to chat to you, after all why wouldn't they be? A baby can be a great icebreaker too, go stand near some parents with baby in buggy or sling and someone is bound to ask how old they are or their name.

I understand that being at home with a baby can be lonely, but what are you expecting to happen on the school run? Do you think everyone is going out together for coffee after drop-off? Probably not. Most people drop their kids off and then get on with their day. They are not snubbing you. They don't hate you. They are probably not thinking about you at all.

Could you organise playdates for your child and get to know the parents that way? Could you organise a coffee morning? At our school people put up posters saying "coffee morning at Sue's house (Fred's mum) - 2 High Street at this date/time".

You just need to lower expectations and get it in perspective. You are collecting your DC, that is all. If you have a quick chat with someone then that's a bonus. Don't go expecting it, try and chill out about it.

I'm always on my own at the school gates. Most of the mums knew somebody beforehand but I don't know anyone there.

Couldn't give two hoots to be honest. I'm there to pick up/drop off DS, not to be best buddies with everyone. I've got enough friends outside the school run.

I could have written your post except I have a toddler not a baby. It sucks doesn't it. I just try to break the drop off (and pick up) into small manageable chunks in my mind and keep breathing. I think the change in routine is a big thing as well. I've found it harder than the kids. Do you have family living close by that you could visit. I think it's important to try to keep getting out if you can. Hopefully it gets easier at some point xx

It does get easier when dc have parties, you get sat near someone for 2 hrs and you have to strike up a conversation, then next time in the playground you tend to mill about with the same faces again.

Abba Mama Mia film soundtrack on your phone.
You will feel happier if you listen to it as you go to school. then still have it on as you walk into school, music really does life the soul.

I hardly ever do the school run. So when I do I know no one. I'm also now having to take my wee one to parties where a lot of the mum's clearly know each other. You know, it doesn't bother me at all. I smile say hello but I'm just there to take her to school. I think you need to put it in perspective - so you're not friends with them but you have got friends and other groups you go to. That's ok! I agree with others. Lower your expectations, smile and be friendly and maybe something will come of it. But it might not and that's ok too, as you have a life just not with the mum's at the school.

It may look like everyone knows everyone but they don't. If you are that bothered reception is the best time to make new friends as mums tend to come to parties and play dates (sorry hate that word but can't think of another!). So invite you child's friends over after school and extend that invite to the parent(s). If you can afford it, do a whole class birthday party in a church hall with entertainer and offer parents tea, coffee and biscuits and chat to them. Help at the PTA if you have anyone to help with the baby. Also, find out what after school clubs your child's friends do and join him/her up to some of them.

You need to focus on getting yourself one or two good friends in the group. Invite someone over or to a cafe/playgroup. It starts there. Once you have one friend you'll feel more confident and more will follow.

Why are you expecting it to happen on the school run? It’s such a small window of your day. Change your perspective, treat it as literally a place to drop your kids off. Chat if there’s someone standing next to you and then go off and enjoy the rest of your day. Get yourself out and about with baby. Find baby groups, toddler groups, messy play groups, music groups or even just a local baby friendly cafe. I don’t suppose many people make proper friends on the school run, all you have in common is giving birth in the same year.

You're "over investing" yourself with this. Everyone lives in their own little bubble. They won't be deliberately ignoring you or blanking you. Some people just aren't as sociable as others, and it's always going to be hard to integrate yourself with an existing group. Just be pleasant, smile at everyone, say hello as you pass, and when the opportunities arise, such as when you find someone on their own, or you find yourself together at a school play or parents evening or sports day, just be pleasant and chatty in a simple/basic sort of way. But most of all, don't give yourself unrealistic expectations and cause yourself to be sad and miserable every time you come home having spoken to no-one - turn it around, expect no friendship/conversation, so that when any little thing happens, you need to regard it as a success.

Why would you want to talk to people at the school gates? I avoid it as much as possible. Get children and get out!

For me it got easier once my DDs started making friends, especially DD2. I got to know their mums and was able to arrange play dates. I have one good friend, whose youngest DD is DD2's best friend.

Just hang in there and carry on being polite and friendly. Your DC will make friends and then you'll get to know their mums.

You say you're "sociable chatty" and you "know a few people", so why don't you just go up to any of the groups that contain people you know and just say "hi", then just listen in on the conversation, smile etc. On a social level that's all the school run is - that's all I do anyway.

I wouldn't describe myself as sociable or chatty and I knew next to no one on the school run for my youngest daughter, but there's always someone I end up chatting to.

Also, I don't do anything with other mums after the school run - I'm either going to work or rushing back home because I've got tons to do, and I love my own company anyway, so on the one day a week I'm not working, I love getting back to my house just to enjoy the peace and quiet! I don't have a baby though, but it wasn't much different when I did, it's just that instead of work, I'd either be home more, or going to a mum & baby group.

This is going to be a very short term concern if you are on mat leave rather than SAHM. Why spend headspace investing in cultivating acquaintances you won't want / need once back at work.

I would focus on fellow parents of babies to get you and baby out and about in between school runs.

I felt like this when DC first started school. Everyone seemed to know everyone else. I bit the bullet and started to say hello to everyone when I walked up and to anyone who came along and joined in the conversation with everyone else. It felt awful at the start but the more I did it, the more familiar people became and they started to say hello to me when I arrived. It's a lot more comfortable now. Usually, in the morning, everyone is rushing but a little more relaxed in the afternoon. There's a few who go walking together in the morning after drop off but I usually have stuff to do so it doesn't interest me. You have to put yourself out there a little to be included. I don't think they are deliberately excluding you. Try getting a routine together for each day of the week so you have a plan. Go to toddler groups if you want but there can be a mixed bunch. I personally avoided them during the colder months to avoid DC getting sick from other DC.

It will get better

You should watch Motherland on iplayer, that'll make you feel better (and give you a really good laugh)

Kitty mum - I say this as someone who has difficulty recognising people even when I've had long conversations with them: give her another chance. Some people aren't good at working out who everybody is, but I'd say you're on your way to finding a friend there

Been there done that 3 times. And do you know what I found at the end of it? It's pointless! These mums who stand with their arms folded will never be seen again once dcs go to secondary school cause parents don't do it then! I know a woman who literally ruled the school gate and now her kids are up no one speaks to her. If you want to meet people for friendships/park dates etc that's different - slip your way into a conversation. Bring your dog! But don't put those at the gate up on a pedestal and compare yourself to them. Often it's just a pecking order where they try to outdo the others!