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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so down about the school gates

62 replies

LittleYellowTree · 27/11/2017 09:27

It's pathetic that's it's affecting me so much but I'm dreading the school runs now. I know quite a few people so thought it would ok, I'm sociable chatty but still end up on my own. Dread walking through everyone having a good chat while I'm heading home for another day with baby.
Do get out to some groups here and there and have other friends on mat leave but since eldest started reception it's been harder- didn't realise how isolating it can make you feel.

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 27/11/2017 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lurkingnotlurking · 27/11/2017 11:11

Oh I know. I do too.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/11/2017 11:12

Are you looking to make new friends, and you don't have any current friends that you can see whilst you're on maternity leave?

The school run is just about dropping off my child for me. I'll say hi to parents I recognise and maybe chat if I'm not in a rush and they seem to want to chat. Otherwise I just drop off/pick up and then get on with my day.

If you want to make friends it's probably a lot easier at a baby group/activity that you enjoy. There's more time to chat and get to know people, and you can suggest a coffee/lunch afterwards.

TidyLike · 27/11/2017 11:13

Goodness - are you ok generally? This is a strange thing to be bothered by if you're otherwise ok (I mean that kindly!). I'm pretty awkward around people I don't know that well, and in general prefer not to chat at the school gates, but even I occasionally do. Could you get involved with the school by being on a committee or doing fundraising, so you then have a solid reason to interact with people? Though you must have your hands full already with a baby ...

motherinferior · 27/11/2017 11:18

Relax about it. Give it time and be friendly BUT focus on building up friendships elsewhere...

...and then one day you'll find that you've made a few delightful friends at the school gate too. I'm still good friends with ones I met when our kids were in reception and they're now sixth-formers. Just give it time.

thatcatpidgeon · 27/11/2017 11:20

It sounds like you may be overthinking it & new friendships or acquaintances take time and start gently on the whole. If you don't want to feel so isolated maybe invite one of your DC's friend on a playdate - either to yours or the park or a play area after school (some parents of reception kids want to come along, others are fine not to, either way there is an opportunity to chat at drop off & then next time you see them make eye contact and say hello etc).

There always seems this perception on threads like this that everyone else knows each other - but even if that is the case (and it is unlikely) why would that stop them meeting new people? I've been a 'new' parent twice at school gates (new to the area) and met lovely people, some might have a lifetime history with each other, some might have just met, but it is irrelevant.

However if you stand there looking at the floor it's harder for people to get to know you - and if, like previous posters have suggested you stood there with headphones on I would presume you didn't want to integrate or make small talk/were a bit rude (but also if that's the way you feel then fine, but it does send the message that you aren't at all interested and are fine not being part of things).

Lots of people think 'why bother' etc, I quite like being at least casual friends with the parents of my children's friends as it makes it easier as they grow up, start having sleepovers, go into town together, get given lifts by friends parents etc and become more independent. Also if you were late one day or your car broke down or some emergency came up having friends who you are comfortable with who can look after your child at short notice (and vice versa) who are already stood there at the school gates can be really handy.

There were one set of parents at DS1's school who were really standoffish throughout the whole of primary school and I didn't let my child stay at their house as I wasn't comfortable with it or them. It pays to be at the very least polite and nice IMO.

lionguard · 27/11/2017 11:30

You do sound depressed and should see your GP if it's post natal possibly.

However the school gate is a gate, at school, where you stand to pick your kid up. I have no interest in being friends with anyone at the school gate and see no issue with turning up, picking up child and departing.

No more and no less

willyougotobed · 27/11/2017 11:50

My advice would be don't expect anything except to drop off and pick up your dc. Take your baby out every day to a group or an activity. If you can get time to yourself do something in the evening/weekend that's just for you. It can be a really lonely time in life. But it gets easier.

As your dc makes friends you will have to arrange their meet ups with other parents. You get talking to a few just because of that. And they change friends so gradually you get more acquaintances. But that happens a bit later than reception I think. Just bide your time a bit. Keep being approachable and friendly. A lot of those groups you see are people who already know each other outside school.

lannister · 27/11/2017 11:56

I absolutely agree with lionguard. I have no idea what people chat about at the school gate, I honestly small talk and can't see any meaningful discussion taking place in the 5 min sch run. Have you thought about arriving just in time to drop off and pick up dc so you have no time to wait around

Notonthestairs · 27/11/2017 11:57

I guarantee you are not the only parent dropping off that feels that way.

We moved house not long before eldest started school and I didnt know anyone in the area and then had a whole day with a baby to fill. I was very lonely and a bit desperate to be honest. So I went to every class party (leaving baby with DH) and stayed, offered help, got to know a few parents, probably butted in to a few conversations etc etc. I also tried to do as many playdates as I could cope with. I joined the dreaded PTA ( i know the PTA is often considered a dreadful bunch of alpha mums but they were very friendly). And eventually someone suggested a coffee which became a regular thing which led to a night out etc.

By the end of eldest reception year I had made some lovely friends and five years on we go on weekends away together without our families.

But it did take time, a bit of persistence and a lot of slapping on a smile when I wasnt feeling it. Hang on in there.

LittleYellowTree · 27/11/2017 12:12

Thanks you for all the advice.
I've tried do a couple of coffee morns but could get them set up.
I think maybe I am depressed not sure

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 27/11/2017 12:15

I avoided the school gates like the plague :p You're better off staying away from the school gate politics anyway imo

Maddiemademe · 27/11/2017 12:20

Oh God trying being a known porn star/former escort. Also look completely different to everyone else (huge fake Boobs, skinny, platinum hair) and then being gay on top of it. Everyone avoids me like the plague Grin. Lucky I am used to it and just mess about on my phone whilst I wait for school to end. Same in the morning really after drop off, then I don't have to watch people whispering about me or standing around in groups while I stand alone.

It used to bother me but I am way past caring now. It's not nice though so I do feel for you. Flowers

Maddiemademe · 27/11/2017 12:22

And you do sound perhaps a little depressed? Have you sought any help/seen your gp? Honestly I am on citalopram after a decade of depression and I can say that probably helps with the not caring so much anymore.

TidyLike · 27/11/2017 12:24

I think maybe I am depressed not sure

Then you are depressed, I'm afraid ❤️

Maddiemademe You sound AWESOME. The other parents are probably a bit scared but also a bit in awe 😂

Thinkingofausername1 · 27/11/2017 12:25

You aren't alone op. I'm glad I don't have to do it anymore. When I do, it makes my anxiety really bad that I find it really stressful and upsetting. The clique at my dd school is ridiculous- I've never known a bunch of women who behave like they are still at high school in my whole life. They are older then me yet are so up themselves, and think they are the most important thing on the playground.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/11/2017 12:46

I totally get you, its like being back at school again. You have those in the cliques, that make it clear that they don't want you to join in. I have good friends outside the school gates, so I don't really care. Plus my dd goes to special school and her school bus comes about 3:10pm so I have to dash home to be there for it, so no time to hang about thank goodness. When dd was at at the same mainstream school as ds, I met a few lovely mums at the school gate, we clicked and we still remain friends and meet up, despite dd going to a different school. With ds school mums, there is none I really click with.

Glittertwins · 27/11/2017 12:48

I've never been in the 'crowd' at school run time either. I'm not local and had no precious children at the school so didn't know anyone . I also work so 3 days a week I never did the school pick up. Now they're at breakfast club nearly every morning so the most I see of people is 2 afternoons per week. They're mostly ok but apart from having children in the same classes, we have nothing at all in common so I can't see us ever being even cafe mates

Glittertwins · 27/11/2017 12:49

Precious? That's meant to be precious... precious sounds rather rude, sorry.

Glittertwins · 27/11/2017 12:50

FFS, my phone doesn't like previous

Kittymum03 · 27/11/2017 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DB22 · 27/11/2017 13:13

OP, I think you are expecting too much of the school gate tbh. I think some people have this expectation they will make lots of lovely like minded friends. But IMO, the playground is for your child to make friends, not you.

GrinGrin

I am probably one of those people you see chatting, I am old hat at the playground lark as I am in my 9th year of primary school drop offs. Believe me I am doing no more than making small talk to a perfectly nice acquaintance, but no one particular. After which I toddle off home alone. I happen to like it that way after getting involved in playground drama Queens many years back. Just my opinion, but I think a little distance is required as if anything goes wrong you are stuck with it for years Confused.

There's ways lots of these threads about cliques etc. I sometimes wonder if people project their own insecurities a bit too much. Don't forget these are just people who happen to have had children around the same time as you, and for the most part are just there as part of their day. Drop kid, pick up kid. End of.

If it's friends you are after then you are better off with an Nct class or similar I would have thought. Although they were a load of snotty cows at mine so perhaps not Grin. How about the meet a mum on net mums? Or look for a course you might be interested in.

The PTA is a good suggestion. Much maligned here but normally a nice varied bunch unless you are unlucky.

Grin at maddiemadame. You sound awesome. Their loss.

DB22 · 27/11/2017 13:14

No idea why there are two random GrinGrin!

BirthdayBeast · 27/11/2017 13:18

I think people fall in to two camps at the school gates- those who drop and run, and those who want to feel like they are part of something. I'm the sort who likes to be friendly so it was a bit of a surprise when my dd started Reception this year and all the parents in her class (bar a couple who I rarely see) were (or appeared to be) incredibly antisocial. Everyone just stood there looking miserable, avoiding eye contact and if I spoke to them they would answer with one word answers. We all just stood there in silence waiting for our children to be ejected from school. I don't want to be best friends with anyone but I do like to acknowledge people i see everyday and it's nice to have a little chat sometimes and get to familiarise yourself with other parents, particularly the parents of your child's closest friends. So everyday I would smile at the other parents and then I built up to say good morning each day (even though it felt forced and awkward to start with). Gradually the other parents started acknowledging me before I acknowledged them and now there are a variety of parents that I'll chat to in the mornings. So to it sum up, I've basically worn them down over the last few months and a few have succumbed. Give it a try, OP. It just takes a little token effort each day.

Maddiemademe · 27/11/2017 13:21

Tidylike Grin oh how I wish that was the case. Unfortunately I have heard them sniggering at me, a lot! It's a very small school (100ish) and in a village so everyone knows everyone and we arrived in the middle of year 1 after moving towns.

My poor ds doesn't get invited to play dates, parties etc which is a shame as he is an absolute treasure of a boy, very sweet, kind and sensitive. He also struggles a bit as he doesn't like sports like the other boys in his class so we both end up sticking out like a sore thumb.

You have to change your way of thinking OP, otherwise it is really going to affect your mental health. I try and do a little game in my head now and count how many disapproving looks I can get. Double points for a back handed compliment ("I wish I had the confidence to wear hair extensions like you but I would hate everyone always seeing the clips. You are very brave"(true story of what was said to me)).

Sod them you sound lovely. Please don't let this affect your confidence. Do you have many friends outside the school gates?

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