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Original poster

Savings and stepkids

69 replies

howtodowills · 27/11/2017 07:07

Been with DP 4 yrs, he has 2DD I have DS and we have 1DS together.

He’s a spender and I’m a saver. We both earn well and He’s not reckless with money.... he would just rather have nice cars and meals out whereas I would rather have a “runaround” car and eat in cheaper places so I can save for the kids future.

This has started to create a couple of problematic situations now as a stepfamily.

He thinks we should save the same amount for all 4 kids each month and I like that idea in theory too. However I can’t feel a bit peeved that it’s me who will “go without” the nice stuff so his DDs can have savings too. I feel that me and DP should get equal “spending money” from our incomes (after we’ve paid all the necessities) and if he wants to have a nice car then he chooses that and saves less for his DDs. He thinks that is very “them and us” and that we should approach it as a team. However a good example was this wkend when we both had a long car journey and I asked to take his and he said no cause he wanted it. So approaching it as a team is fair enough but I don’t seem to get any benefit. He also has form for getting lots of parking tickets/speeding fines etc and I don’t really see why my kids should miss out on savings as I am supposed to go halves on this stuff “as a team”. I’m forever telling him he needs a ticket in a car park but his attitude is often “I won’t get caught it’s fine”... then boom £60 ticket.

He says it’s not like a real family if we each save for our own kids and that it won’t be fair if his DDs end up with less but I think that’s up to him to not waste so much money.

It’s not causing arguments yet as we have been saving all our money for some renovation works on the house but once that’s done we will have some “spare” money and id like to have the conversation with him soon about how we handle savings for the kids.

Any advice welcome thanks

OP posts:
allthegoodusernameshavegone · 27/11/2017 07:13

Encourage the dc to save their own money

Original poster
howtodowills · 27/11/2017 07:14

They are all under 12 so don’t earn and don’t get given lots of money. We encourage them to save if they want a new toy or something but think it’s our job to save for uni / house deposit etc

OP posts:
Collaborate · 27/11/2017 07:18

It sounds like a reasonable thing for him to ask about, provided it's done fairly. Any savings for your 4 children should be taken out of income as close to source as you can. How much are you talking about? I'm guessing something like £20 per month per child?

Remember with his two the children have a mother who he should also be speaking to about this, and your child has a father. There should be 4 adults in this discussion.

MagicMoneyTree · 27/11/2017 07:18

I think the solution of each having “spends” and you both doing what you please with it - spend or save - is the fairest one in this situation. Although it can create huge problems when your attitudes towards finances are mismatched like this. The parking tickets would drive me nuts.

NoSquirrels · 27/11/2017 07:21

Can the savings ga for the 4 DC not count as a “bill” and come out of joint money BEFORE you split the disposable income left?

Imbroglio · 27/11/2017 07:26

So does he also pay into the savings for all 4 children?

Agree you need to consider what provision is being made by the other parents.

You also need to think about what happens if you split or circumstances change.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 27/11/2017 07:34

I would point out to him that unless he's prepared to curb his spending and wasteful behaviour, then effectively what he's doing is asking you to cut back further to save for his Dds.

Agree to go with minimal saving first, then bills, then splitting what's left. However, parking fines are not bills, they are his personal spending. If his car costs are in the bills not personal spending, then you have equal use of it.

If you chose to save more on top of your basic saving for each child out of your personal spend budget, then he can't complain if he's chosen to spend his.

Personally, I think different attitudes to money can be the biggest problem in a relationship once you pool resources. 2 spenders can be happy, 2 savers can be happy. One of each generally means someone is miserable/resentful.

Feedmepringles · 27/11/2017 07:42

Pay all your bills ,split what's left in half .do with it what you wish.you save for your kids ,he spends....or pay bills,then put x amount away for each child ,then split what's left in half.you could always then put your share away for yr kids..just make sure he can't get to the money your saving,or my guess is he will be dipping in it

Allthewaves · 27/11/2017 07:48

myself and dh put a percentage of our wages into a bill account (everything is direct debit and allow x amount for food shop each wk)so we both have the same spending money left over. Kids savings are direct debit out of bill account each month. We each pay our own petrol out of spending money and any other costs have to come out of our spending - that would include parking tickets and eating out.

RedSkyAtNight · 27/11/2017 07:48

I'd put aside an agreed amount for each DC into their savings accounts. Then split whatever income is left after bills. If you want to save more you can, but at least every DC is getting something.

Welshmaenad · 27/11/2017 07:56

Agree a total amount that you want/can afford to save for children from your joint income. Split it into 5. 1/5 to your DS, 1/5 each to his DD's, 2/5 to your joint DS.

Then pay bills then split remainder for spends. He can pay his own parking tickets from his own money the dull brush.

KathArtic · 27/11/2017 07:59

Can you have a separate account for 'additional ' savings.... each time he gets a ticket put the equivalent in for your kids.

As was said above, there are 4 parents involved here. You do not have to save for his children if he won't. As long as the savings are fair they don't have to be equal

Littlelambpeep · 27/11/2017 08:02

I think he is selfish for not letting you have the car. Also wasteful to run up parkimg fines while you are trying to cut back.

InfiniteSheldon · 27/11/2017 08:07

Have your own savings give them to your own children when the time comes this is far too complicated. You can't totally share finances with blended family's combined with a different attitude to spending/saving. Family money and bills first, your personal spends second savings third each doing what you want.

Original poster
howtodowills · 27/11/2017 08:09

Thanks for the suggestions.

He is getting better at parking fines and I am allowed to use the car - it was just that when we both had a long journey it was suddenly “his” Hmm

I like the idea of taking money out of joint for savings but then if we both want to contribute more out of “ours” then we can.

Don’t know how to handle the fact his car costs £500 month (brand new lease car) and mine is free (aged banger). I would love to drive around in his type of car but I put away £400 per month in kids savings

OP posts:
Original poster
howtodowills · 27/11/2017 08:13

We can’t really discuss money with his ex. He pays maintenance amounting to around £800 per month plus another £5k annual bonus and I don’t believe ex is short but she won’t tell him if she saves for the kids. I imagine she does but just doesn’t want to tell him. He used to ask if he could put the “bonus” into savings for them (accounts in the kids name so neither parent could touch) but she categorically said no - it had to go to her.

My ex says he saves for DS but I don’t know how much.

When I’ve suggested scenarios like save 5 amounts and OUR DS gets 2/5 DP doesn’t think it’s fair as it looks like we favour OUR DS but I agree that the other 3 have another parent saving for them.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 27/11/2017 08:20

I think the way to do it is not to say I’m saving for my DC and you’re saving for your DC; instead say out of our wages we’re both putting this amount in a month and that is fairly divided between the 4 children. I don’t really see how he can argue with that and suggest that you put in more.
Also it’s worth considering that his children’s mother may be saving for them and your sons father could be saving for him so if that’s considered then your joint son would need more in his savings to keep things fair.
I save for our joint DD but I don’t tend to for my DSD as she gets so much money put into her account by her mums family that it’ll be tough for me to even put half of that in for my DD

dunraven · 27/11/2017 08:21

Well, if no-one is willing to be transparent about savings, you can only do one of 2 things.
(a) Save an equal amount for each of the children.
(b) Do you own thing and just save for your 2 children.

I don't think that you should assume the other parent is saving anything - that is usually an argument to justify inequitable treatment.

Fishface77 · 27/11/2017 09:10

I wouldn't save for his kids that's his job and their DMs job!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/11/2017 09:19

Given the differing attitudes in money i would say
All bills paid out of joint account
5 x savings put aside with your joint child getting 2/5ths as you said.
Then split the rest. You pay for your own cars, etc. Is it legally binding?

What is this 5k bonus? Does he get a 5k bonus at work she gets to herself?

munkynutts · 27/11/2017 09:24

Wow, am I in the minority here?

None of us kids had "savings" put aside for us by our parents?

The idea was they gave us a great childhood and stable family life, and made our education a priority, and then off we went into the world when we were 18 armed with the skills to further out education and hopefully get good jobs.

All 4 of us did end up getting good jobs. We all got loans for uni and we're all steadily working towards house deposits - which takes some effort I admit, but its doable.

I guess my question to you personally OP is maybe saving isnt as much of a necessity as you think?

And to other posters - is this really the norm? Im quite surprised!

bakingaddict · 27/11/2017 09:29

Do you own a property together? If this issue of savings has come up have you also made a will that ensures all children fairly get an inheritance. If the house goes straight to your DH if you die first, it could be possible he may cut out your DS who is the only child not biologically his

ItsHuge · 27/11/2017 09:35

That's really complicated isn't it.

In theory you and he should save an amount each for the kids. He should split his amount between his three kids and you should split your amount between your two kids.

Your DS would end up with 1/4
Your joint DS would get 5/12
His DDs would get 1/6 each

I think that's correct 😭

SleepingStandingUp · 27/11/2017 09:36

munkynutts I suspect it depends on your income bracket. We weren't saved for. DS isn't. But OPus DP pays 800 per month plus a 5k bonus to the ex. And pays 500 per month for the car. So that's 1300 a beforeout before anything. As a high earner the expectation is to save for them

rookiemere · 27/11/2017 09:36

Munkynutts - I guess it depends very much on how much spare income you have. In the OPs case where she has modest needs I can see that she'd rather that any spare income went on possible university fees or house purchase rather than on a fancy car and speeding fines.

I'm in the scenario where one of us (me) is more frugal and DH more into having the latest car and i-pad. I think it works reasonably well to have one saver and one spender and my big splurge is family holidays. He can do more or less what he wants but there better be enough in the pension fund and for us to go away. Also I earn a bit less (primarily because my career went stagnant due to DS and I still work just about pt) so it doesn't grate as much as if we both earned the same. It would be very difficult though to throw Step DCs into that mix.

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