Savings and stepkids

[howtodowills]

Been with DP 4 yrs, he has 2DD I have DS and we have 1DS together.

He’s a spender and I’m a saver. We both earn well and He’s not reckless with money.... he would just rather have nice cars and meals out whereas I would rather have a “runaround” car and eat in cheaper places so I can save for the kids future.

This has started to create a couple of problematic situations now as a stepfamily.

He thinks we should save the same amount for all 4 kids each month and I like that idea in theory too. However I can’t feel a bit peeved that it’s me who will “go without” the nice stuff so his DDs can have savings too. I feel that me and DP should get equal “spending money” from our incomes (after we’ve paid all the necessities) and if he wants to have a nice car then he chooses that and saves less for his DDs. He thinks that is very “them and us” and that we should approach it as a team. However a good example was this wkend when we both had a long car journey and I asked to take his and he said no cause he wanted it. So approaching it as a team is fair enough but I don’t seem to get any benefit. He also has form for getting lots of parking tickets/speeding fines etc and I don’t really see why my kids should miss out on savings as I am supposed to go halves on this stuff “as a team”. I’m forever telling him he needs a ticket in a car park but his attitude is often “I won’t get caught it’s fine”... then boom £60 ticket.

He says it’s not like a real family if we each save for our own kids and that it won’t be fair if his DDs end up with less but I think that’s up to him to not waste so much money.

It’s not causing arguments yet as we have been saving all our money for some renovation works on the house but once that’s done we will have some “spare” money and id like to have the conversation with him soon about how we handle savings for the kids.

Any advice welcome thanks

Would be a lot easier and save a lot of theoretical debate if you just keep the "savings for the children" in an account in your own name. Then you can spend them on yourself / just your DC / all DC, depending how things pan out 10-20 years hence.

With hindsight now we have DC approaching Uni age we reckon this is the best approach - and we don't have blended family issues to think about.

Your DP hit the jackpot when he met you OP! No wonder he wants all money to go equally, because he hasn't got any after his naice car and speeding tickets There is no way I would be lining anyone's pocket with money that I had saved, especially to the detriment of my children. I would tighten the purse strings and see if he is still so keen to be with you.

As a PP said - I think you need to look at how your household finances are set up. DH and I sort it so we have a equal spends after all the bills are paid, and we can do what we like with this and I would suggest you do something similar - make sure all essential bills are paid (and I'd include things like child maintenance, car maintenance, insurance, servicing, etc), put an equal, affordable amount away for ALL the DC and then split the remainder between the two of you. Out of that he can pay the additional car leasing costs and any expenses he incurs. You can put your 'extra' away in your DC's savings if you like. But it will be up to each of you how you spend 'your' money - you won't be subsidising his profligacy and your DC won't miss out that way. Nor will you feel like you have to cut back in order to make up for him spending so you may feel like you actually end up with more play money than you had before.

He pays £800 a month in maintenance
Gives the ex a £5K bonus a year??? For what???
Runs round in an expensive car which he will not lend you even if you need it??
Then demands you give savings to his children???

He's having a laugh.
In fact the ex is having a laugh too.
They are the ones who should be saving for their kids future and it sounds like the have plenty of cash to do so.

It sends the wrong signal to treat the kids differently.

My stepkids' mother is hugely rich. They will inherit millions. My kid won't. We still treat all the kids equally in our family.

I don't think it usually makes sense for parents to save for children. It places an artificial constraint on how they deploy their money, which may result in non-optimum deployment. Save in you own name, and when the time comes that children need help for university or a wedding or a home deposit, help according to your means and priorities at that time. (Neither means nor priorities may be what you expected them to be when you put the money away.)

In the OP case, this means that the money she's not frittering can be saved in her own name and later spent as she chooses.

Do people really save money for their kids like this?

I assume you've paid off your house and have a healthy sum put away for retirement?

Personally I would resent saving for this man's children. He will probably just become more careless about money if you do because he knows his DDs uni fees and deposits are taken care of- by you!

t sends the wrong signal to treat the kids differently.

Surely that’s his doing not hers. He has equally money to put away and chooses not too. Or are we saying she should split her £400 between the kids not have a penny on herself while he spends spends spends.

I don't think the OPs income should be going to savings of children that aren't hers. The children have two parents who can save for them, they shouldn't have the OP saving for them too!

Fully shared finances doesn't work when you are a blended family with unequal amounts of children.

Also I don't like that you are a 'team' when it suits him to his benefit and not when it might help you! It is very 'what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine"

I would probably agree an amount that is needed to cover all bills, rainy day savings e..g for boiler breaking, savings for annual things like holiday and car etc - and contribute to it in % of your net income. I would count his income as income after child maintenance payments.

Then anything left you can do what you like with it (save, spend on a car, whatever).

I don't see why fully shared wouldn't work in a blended family. My partner has two children, I have one. We all live together.

We don't say his kids have to share a room or share a tenner pocket money and that my one child can have the room and the tenner to herself.

How is that fair? You treat all of them equally

You should treat all the children equally on a day to day basis wrt to love and provision of needs. IMO, saving for their future is something to be done by those with parental responsibility and, whilst a lovely concept, isn't an essential requirement of parenting.

If I have understood correctly, in this case the OP is basically subsidising her DP and making up his shortfall on a fairly regular basis. That is totally unfair and unacceptable IMO.

Saving for the children he had with their mother is not the OP's responsibility. It is lovely that she wants to make this contribution but she is under no obligation to do so and certainly should not be expected to cover her DP's share when he has a totally different attitude to spending/saving.

If he incurs a parking charge because he thinks he can somehow evade the rules by which everyone else has to live by then he should jolly well pay for it himself. His choice to leave a car without a ticket and his choice to spend a considerable monthly sum on the cost of the car.

Maybe you should save for four kids by bother yourself and your partner putting X amount in a account.

But then you can have your own savings separate. If you choose for this to be for your DC then that's your choice. Youve added to the pot like your DP requested

Remember step kids have their DM to save for them too

I don't think that necessarily matters

If I was you, I’d continue to save for my own kids. Your DP can do what he wants.

As he’s so different about money, I’d separate it as much as possible. Maybe a review of the bills and outgoingsis in order. Cost all bills, Food etc that you all use in household. Then divide the rest equally between you. So his car, his maintenance etc don’t come out of the split pot but his.

Then save what you like, probably best in your own isa account or something. Don’t even tell him.

Possibly being pedantic but as they are not married technically she is not the step parent.

I wouldn’t tell him tbh how much you are saving for your kids. If it’s out of your money it’s up to you to do with as you wish. He can’t tell his ex where to spend the 5k any more th a he can tell you

We don’t know that the ex saves for the kids - indeed we believe she doesn’t financially support them that well but spoils herself rotten. But there honestly isn’t much we can do about that as all income is included in maintenance calculations and we have a private agreement and operate in line with what the law would say. Fucks me off no end that her kids could have loads but I don’t think she is keeping it for them.

I can discuss all these things with DP but I find it helpful to get “opinions from strangers on the internet” because you get a real mix and it makes me think clearly about what’s best and some of the things I may have missed.