Savings and stepkids

[howtodowills]

Been with DP 4 yrs, he has 2DD I have DS and we have 1DS together.

He’s a spender and I’m a saver. We both earn well and He’s not reckless with money.... he would just rather have nice cars and meals out whereas I would rather have a “runaround” car and eat in cheaper places so I can save for the kids future.

This has started to create a couple of problematic situations now as a stepfamily.

He thinks we should save the same amount for all 4 kids each month and I like that idea in theory too. However I can’t feel a bit peeved that it’s me who will “go without” the nice stuff so his DDs can have savings too. I feel that me and DP should get equal “spending money” from our incomes (after we’ve paid all the necessities) and if he wants to have a nice car then he chooses that and saves less for his DDs. He thinks that is very “them and us” and that we should approach it as a team. However a good example was this wkend when we both had a long car journey and I asked to take his and he said no cause he wanted it. So approaching it as a team is fair enough but I don’t seem to get any benefit. He also has form for getting lots of parking tickets/speeding fines etc and I don’t really see why my kids should miss out on savings as I am supposed to go halves on this stuff “as a team”. I’m forever telling him he needs a ticket in a car park but his attitude is often “I won’t get caught it’s fine”... then boom £60 ticket.

He says it’s not like a real family if we each save for our own kids and that it won’t be fair if his DDs end up with less but I think that’s up to him to not waste so much money.

It’s not causing arguments yet as we have been saving all our money for some renovation works on the house but once that’s done we will have some “spare” money and id like to have the conversation with him soon about how we handle savings for the kids.

Any advice welcome thanks

but think it’s our job to save for uni / house deposit etc

No it isn't! It's your job to support them and help them to bidget and manage their own finances but not pay for everything so they don't ever learn to do or pay for anything for themselves because mummy and daddy paid for it.

If you have separate money for everything else, then I guess you would for also be separate for savings.
If you share all your money, then you would save together.

I think you need to approach the two kinds of expenses separately. I think it's a good idea to pay in equally or proportionately (if one of your incomes is significantly different than the other) for joint expenses (mortgage, food shopping, kids' christmas presents, kids' savings, etc.). But then you each cover your own other expenses, like cars, clothes, parking fines/speeding tickets, etc. So my dh and I (we're not a step-family though) contribute roughly equally to housing, food, utility bills, holidays, both put money into kids' savings. But we pay for our cars, petrol, meals out (alone or with friends, we roughly share meals out together), car repairs, etc. He would never expect me to pay his parking fines! Realistically, I would set up a standing order so each child gets paid a certain amount into savings each month. I would expect him to pay into the accounts of your DS and the DS you have together and you pay into his via standing order. Check each month that it's actually going in and he's keeping up his end of the deal. If he chooses then to not pay into his own DC's accounts because he prefers to splash on meals out and his car, then that's his own fault. His kids will ultimately get less overall because he didn't contribute.

I think the "step"ness here is a red herring.

You're a family and presumably have joint finances. So you should save the same for each of your children, and pay joint bills from joint savings. If he spends more than you then you need to address this with him, but it should be done separately to a conversation about saving for the kids.

The majority of students aren't now able to borrow enough to live on at university (this is particularly likely to be a problem if you're in the income bracket where you've got £500 a month for a car lease). And the sort of jobs that students tended to do around work in the past are now harder to come by than they used to be. So unless OP and DP prefer to pay as it comes later on, yes it is sensible to be saving something towards those costs. If you can't you can't, but it's hardly silver spoon territory.

It's a difficult one OP, but I must say I think you're sort of downplaying the extent of his spending here. The parking tickets stuff is awful. I think if he's got an unnecessarily expensive car there's an argument for that coming out of his personal spends rather than the communal pot. Or at least the 'extra' bit. So eg if he could've leased something suitable for £300 a month but chose the extra because he likes the model, that £200 is his luxury money not a family essential. Nor would I be willing to contribute to his decision to invest in parking fines!

I would agree an amount of savings for the kids and then make that a bill.

You two then split the remainder money you have 50/50 as your "spends". What you each do with that is entirely up to each of you.

DH and I have worked like that since we lived together. He spends little and often. I splurge once or twice a year. I also had a very bad habit of spending all of "my" money on the kids, which meant when incomes changed it wasn't actually clear how much they cost us each month.

I disagree with the comments about checking the provision other parents are making for the children though. We don't work like that in our house. All the children are treated equally in our home regardless of Dad's, Grannies and other relatives. You can't ever make things completely fair when you start adding other people and their whims and circumstances into the mix so we disregard them completely.

Actually maybe you should invest it in a clamping company.

As a high earner the expectation is to save for them

Where does this "expectation" come from?? I've never heard this. I guess I'm in the same minority as munkynutts.

I also find handing over the 5k bonus a bit weird. Surely if he wants to put it in a savings account for the kids, he can do that?

I do feel there shouldnt be a distinction made between "step" kids and "birth" kids.

We were a blended family and we were just all our parents kids.

As NoSquirrels says - fairly obvious solution is that all money is put into one pool (actual joint account or just on a spreadsheet without moving money). All joint bills come out of pool - not including cars because they are clearly not joint from your description. However all housing related costs, holiday savings if you holiday as one family, and child related costs. Kids savings are one of those bills.

Only then do you split what is left 50/50 to use for whatever you want - cars including insurance and maintenance and fines! Or savings, or whatever you each choose.

Fair?

I do get where you're coming from but this notion of kids' savings seems to loom much larger in your life than, I suspect, for most of us.

We concentrate on paying into pensions and paying the mortgage off. A bit is put by for the children but generally if I have £400 spare it goes into our savings pot, not to the kids. How will your next car be funded if not from your savings?

There is a bigger issue here on spend vs save, and the cars demonstrate it beautifully. Have that debate as a family, it's how you (plural) live your lives that matters. Don't reduce it down to how much cash you bung each child, it's such a small part of raising these childen. Personally I think you're being very sensible saving, and I'd be more interested in ensuring that habit and value set is passed on to my children (not easy if your DH is a spender) than the amount of cash they get. Arguably being given more on a plate makes it harder to develop the habit of cutting your cloth.

I want to help my Dcs when it comes to a house deposit. I won’t be letting everything land in their lap though! I had some help from my parents but also worked whilst at uni to pay my way - and had a loan.

I do agree that he could have got a £300 car quite comfortably. The extra was because he “wanted” the “nice” car.

The £5k bonus for the ex was a portion of his annual bonus. (We worked it out on the CMS calculator as what was fair for the kids to have. Though she insisted it went to her.)

I suppose it does pinch a bit that they both have brand new cars and she gets lots of beauty treatments and always has new stuff and I don’t!! I earn good money and I could - I just choose to spend on kids and house but it irks that im the only one doing that!

Yes we own the house together and have a water tight will! (I put more in so have that reflected in what will be left to “my” kids.) I know some people might judge me but that’s just how I am. I work hard and save hard for me and my kids for rainy days

My suggestion is after household bills are paid, put a small amount that is affordable like 10 or 20 pounds a month in each of the DC's savings out of joint household money. You can then top up your 2 DC's accounts out of money that you personally have left over each month. It doesn't have to be at a regular monthly interval you can give this for birthday, Christmas, etc.

Life is not fair especially not in a blended family.

Sorry to be clear about the £5k as it is taxable income it is perfectly legal for his ex to demand it goes to her as it’s classed as income and therefore counted as part of maintenance calculations. He requested it go into kids names but she said no and that she would go to her solicitor. Legally she is ok to do that I believe so it went to her.

I also save into “my” pot for when I need a car, or I would lease a car and decrease the amount I put away for my kids.

I think it's really sad for money to be such a source of tension in relationships.

You say you don't know how to handle the issue of his car being more expensive than yours. Why can't you speak to him about it? Are you worried he's taking advantage of you? That would be the end of a relationship or me.

What happens to all these savings if you separate? Bearing in mind you are not married. 4 years isn't that long really - do you want to be chipping into a savings account for his children when you are not married or even on the same page about finances? Who would have control of the savings if you split?

Sorry, but you need to explore these thoughts. You don't have a trustworthy relationship with this man and are looking to strangers online to help you sort out your approach to family money.

Since you've asked for personal opinions: I would not be saving up for his children. They have two parents and you are not one of them. Equally I wouldn't want him to chip in for my child - that's for me and the child's father to arrange.

Above all, this focus on saving for children's future seems a bit unusual to me. But that's your choice.

So is the 5k a large bonus of which she gets a share for their 2? Or does she get it all? How is that fair on his other child?

Where does this "expectation" come from?? rich people on mn? I don't know. We're def in the save for emergencies only category

They're not your step-children if you're not married. They're your partner's children. I can't imagine why you think you should be supporting them in the future, as well as now.

The have a house and family together of which these children are part. She pays part of the bills in their second home. Probay looks after them alone. Regardless of the LEGAL definition of course they are her step children.

I would open up separate accounts for you and your DC (i.e. an account each) and put money away. Protect your DC accounts so that if something happens to you, your DH can't access the money to share it out with his other DC.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too and that's not on.

He says it’s not like a real family if we each save for our own kids and that it won’t be fair if his DDs end up with less but I think that’s up to him to not waste so much money.

He wants it all his own way. He wastes money, spends his money on a nice car and wants you to save for his kids.

If you were married and had adopted each others children he'd have more of a point, other than his spending habits.

It’s fair to say we saved £50 month for each of the children. Their dad then choose spend £500 on car you choose scrim and put the rest away. That’s a very clear difference and his choice. Like you say either he changes his car so has extra £200-300 a month to save or things stay as they are.
Personal if you are never able to do anything fun or drive a decent car or treat yourself and your kids end up being in greatful and wasting their money- wounlnt you feel really resentful? Is there a balance between saving every penny of your spare and having some quality of life too?

I work hard and save hard for me and my kids for rainy days

Perhaps I'm projecting here, but my immediate reaction to this do you just not love your stepchildren enough to include them in this? Isn't there a risk that they'll hit 18 and you'll wish you'd treated them like your own?

If you take the stepness out of it, as PPs have said, plenty of families do work with a spender and a saver. I think what's most unusual is your different perception of the importance of kids' savings and insistence that you'll only save for yours. I do take your point that your DH gets to drive a fancier car, but this is a debate a lot of people have and no one ever resolves it by deciding to give money to some children but not to others. I think your DH needs to compromise by curbing his spending and you need to compromise by treating the children equally.

The £5k bonus for the ex was a portion of his annual bonus. (We worked it out on the CMS calculator as what was fair for the kids to have. Though she insisted it went to her

How do you know its being saved for the children then? Does his child with you get £2500 bonus to?

Regardless of the savings issue, I don't like the fact that when it's to his advantage you're 'a team', and you share the cost of his parking fines. But when it comes to sharing the nice new car, suddenly you're not a team after all.

I have a feeling that when it's one of your kids that needs some money spent on them, it'll be your kid. And 'our kids', when it's one of his.