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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did/does your upbringing affect your attitude to money?

78 replies

Puppymonkeybaby1 · 26/11/2017 20:35

I'm having a disagreement with DH on this.

We're comfortable, but not flush. We're not checking our bank accounts every five minutes but nor can we spend willy nilly.

I'll freely admit I'm quite bad with money. I like to buy stuff, and with DS's first Christmas coming up I have gone a bit over the top. DH mentioned today that we need to reign it in a bit which sparked a longer chat (we were in the car, stuck in traffic).

I explained that I thought it was down to growing up with very little, I make up for it now and get a bit spendy. DH grew up with money, and is in fact a lot more careful than me. He argued that if I grew up with very little, surely I'd be more inclined to be careful now in case I end up spending too much/get into debt/have to go without.

So did or does your upbringing have an effect your approach to money now?

OP posts:

thewisestoldelf · 26/11/2017 20:38

Yes.

My mum and dad (particularly my mum) were very poor growing up in tenement slums in Glasgow. They came from hard working families but that's just the way it was. They both worked very very hard and had good jobs and provided a really wonderful life for me. I had all I needed and wasn't spoiled. I think they were always mindful of their own upbringing. They're both very keen savers and food with money and this has rubbed off on me. I have the same work ethic and attitude to money and saving ( I'm maybe a bit more frivolous though)

thewisestoldelf · 26/11/2017 20:38

*good with money

BrandNewHouse · 26/11/2017 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnathemaPulsifer · 26/11/2017 20:41

Yes, it has. My parents were careful with money and acted much poorer than we were (and are now living it up in their retirement) and I'm the same. V careful and teaching my children good money skills. Hoping to let loose a little in retirement once I'm sure I have enough.

ICanNeverThinkOfAGoodUsrname · 26/11/2017 20:42

Growing up, my parents were very tight with money. They had it but just didn't spend it.

I'm sure I spend more than I should, including getting myself into masses of debt when younger, because in my head in making up for it now. For a number of reasons too I have low self esteem and spending money has (wrongly) been my answer to that.

Cantspell2 · 26/11/2017 20:44

By today’s standards I grew up poor. For example my mum would cook tea but nothing for herself. Her meal would be whatever was left on our plates. I am financially ok but don’t waste money and have always saved whatever I can.

ShotsFired · 26/11/2017 20:47

We grew up comfortable - although the older I got the less well off as a family business folded during a recession and times got pretty hard, and then parents got divorced.

As an adult I then spent many years single and because of that I formed a very strong cautious streak and saved a lot of money (nobody else to pay the bills etc). That's made me very independent and thrifty, even though I am fortunate to have a good income and now a OH who I share some costs with.

I don't think there is a logical follow on from childhood circs, as this thread is already starting to show.

hendricksyousay · 26/11/2017 20:52

Yes , I grew up with lots of money and was very spoilt! .. we are fairly well off now and we choose to be very careful not to spoil our children even though we could . I don't think it does children any good to know there is a bottomless pit of money tbh... when our dd was 11 we got her a bank account with her own card and she gets an allowance so she has learnt how to budget etc ..

trilbydoll · 26/11/2017 20:53

My parents never appeared to understand my desire to have what everyone else did and that's probably why I spoil dc a bit.

I would suggest that if your parents didn't have much money but they managed the money they did have well (which is the case for me) you won't necessarily have the fear of debt or extreme poverty because you don't really have any experience of them. I just assume more money will appear eventually and sort everything out!

munkynutts · 26/11/2017 20:55

No.

My parents were perfect with money, generous yet not wasteful.

I have zero control over my finances.

HOWEVER: I have never had a credit card, overdraft or loan (other than student - doesn't count) and this is down to them. I remember my Mum saying "never EVER spend money you do not actually have".

peachgreen · 26/11/2017 20:55

Yes. My parents were raised in a Christian sect which doesn't allow the borrowing of money from non-members, so even their first mortgage was a loan from someone from church. They left the sect before I was born and got a normal mortgage but have never had any other debt - no car finance, no hire purchase, clear their credit cards in full every month etc. I'm exactly the same - have never borrowed money for anything (bar my student loan and mortgage), always pay off my full balance each month (even on 0% interest). I didn't even have a student overdraft. Debt terrifies me.

CbeebiesAddict · 26/11/2017 20:56

DH grew up without much money and as a consequence he does like to buy stuff and wants to give DS as much as possible. I grew up with money and am more inclined to save. We have reached a compromise which works for us

Oysterbabe · 26/11/2017 20:56

I was very poor growing up and like spending money now I have some. But would never get into debt, I get things I can't comfortably afford. DH is from a wealthy family and is incredibly thrifty, he puts a lot more consideration into purchases than I do and saves pennies wherever possible.

munkynutts · 26/11/2017 20:57

That doesnt mean I'm rich by the way. It means if i cant afford a holiday, i dont go on holiday. If i run out of money before payday, i eat beans and sell pointless shit ive bought on ebay

Finola1step · 26/11/2017 21:00

Grew up with very little. Have worked my back side off since aged 16 and we are v lucky that we are financially secure. We do have some nice luxuries in our life but I still shop around for bargains. I learnt very early on that very few people are truly wealthy but it is possible to be comfortable. But people who are financially comfortable tend to be very careful with their money...that's a big reason why they are indeed comfortable.

"Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves" is a saying that I believe has some truth in it.

Emillee · 26/11/2017 21:00

Yes.

DM had very little money when raising me.

I live in a 6 figure a year household and often talk myself out of buying things.

Sayyouwill · 26/11/2017 21:13

Yes.
Both DH and I grew up with money. We as a couple don't have money. He works on commission and I'm in a low paid job.
We were quite flush when we first met as neither of us had savings, we worked long hours and played hard with our money. By the end of the month we were scraping by and put in a phone call to the rents.

Now we are older, got our shit together, have a child, still don't have loads of money, still overspend occasionally and it freaks me out. I'm used to having what I want. I know how spoiled that makes me sound, I know how lucky I've been, I'm learning the hard way now that life isn't that simple

Sologirl1982 · 26/11/2017 21:20

Yep, yep yep. I was utterly spoilt as a child - anything I wanted, I got - never had to wait for anything, save up etc. As a result I have a shocking attitude to money now, can't save it, if I want something I want it yesterday and throw a proper strop if it's not achievable :(

glitterpony · 26/11/2017 21:22

No. I grew up in a high rise council flat, with very little money as my parents were on benefits. But they were smart at saving and sensible with budgeting, so we always had money for the important things.
DH grew up in a big detached house with plenty of money around and lots of holidays, toys and education costs, although his parents have always prioritised the essentials as well.

DH and I have very similar attitudes despite having different backgrounds. We're well off now (6 figure joint income), but we save a lot and we don't fritter money away. We both get more of a kick out of seeing our balances grow (investments/pensions) or fall (mortgage). We do make a conscious decision to spend on holidays and days out as that brings us pleasure, but not on consumer items because neither of us get anything out of that. We never argue over money.

Tainbri · 26/11/2017 21:23

I don't know to be honest. My parents are quite well off in their old age but only because they've saved their whole life. My dad litterally budgets for every penny and neither parent has a credit card. They were of the generation that as kids lived with rations so I think they experienced things a lot tougher than me as a kid and I never went without but I was brought up that you work for every penny and you save and you don't buy with what you haven't got (running up an overdraft would be a hanging offence) as a teenager I did get into a bit of minor bother with money but I never ever told my parents and I would never ever ever ever ask my parents for a loan! The shame of it!! I think their attitude has helped me long term with valuing money. Would be nice not to have to work so hard for it though

WhooooAmI24601 · 26/11/2017 21:28

Absolutely. I am dreadful with money. Just dreadful.

I grew up without anything in foster care so had no control over anything. Each time I moved I'd have to leave behind toys, books and clothes I loved, everything 'mine' so now I have a strange attitude to buying (I instinctively want everything). I'm better now, and DH is very good at keeping me more level-headed without it ever reaching into control.

DH grew up in a tremendously well-off family with ridiculous holidays and adventures, but his attitude to money is far healthier. I think we actually balance one another well; he's less uptight about money than he was because living with me has shown him it's fun to have adventures and treats, while he's shown me it's ok to save, to pause and to plan for the big things rather than being so impulsive.

The DCs both get pocket money and DS1 (12) has such a fabulous attitude to money. I'm so proud that he's begun to learn to save and budget because I've always felt it important that he doesn't grow up to be like me. DS2 is a bit more 'spendy' at the minute but he's only 6, so he's very young to grasp saving up long-term.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 26/11/2017 21:28

Yes. My parents were always varying degrees of really quite well off but never, ever talked about money or taught me how to manage it. As a result I spent most of my 20s and into my 30s in debt. Trying to sort it out now but still have sleepless nights over money despite dh and I earning really well.

Believeitornot · 26/11/2017 21:30

I’m the same as you and spend the same. We didn’t have much money.

For me, spending is actually filling a void and is worse when I’m feeling down. I also kind of spend to demonstrate that I can. Sounds warped and it is - I’m slowly recognising that in myself.

Dh says I spend too much but then doesn’t buy anything for the dcs at all.

But I’ve become much more self aware and have changed habits which helps. Eg I set up amazon wish lists and add things to that and then check weekly if I really need things.

My brother is much more sensible with money and always has been. I don’t think it’s just upbringing - I think it is personality. I like instant gratification, I don’t get pleasure from waiting and waiting for stuff. I can see it in my dcs - my eldest is quite frivolous and materialistic but my youngest is not at all.

Codlet · 26/11/2017 21:30

My parents were careful with money, and I’m the same. My spending habits are very low compared to our joint disposable income.

ElspethFlashman · 26/11/2017 21:33

Parents were incredibly tight with money and were always fretting about it. We learnt to never ask for anything. Only one pair of shoes at a time etc.

However food was plentiful. And they had a horror of debt and no mortgages so there was some security. DH grew up the exact same.

Now we both have a horror of debt and are pretty tight with money. Our friends probably think we're stingy. But we have a lot of savings and live mortgage free.

I try to be a bit freer with the kids though. I remember not ever being able to have "the cool thing", and how miserable it felt. So within reason, I'm happy to let my kids have the cool thing of the moment I.e. trainers or whatever. But the rest of their stuff is very very cheap by contrast.

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