Did/does your upbringing affect your attitude to money?

[Puppymonkeybaby1]

I'm having a disagreement with DH on this.

We're comfortable, but not flush. We're not checking our bank accounts every five minutes but nor can we spend willy nilly.

I'll freely admit I'm quite bad with money. I like to buy stuff, and with DS's first Christmas coming up I have gone a bit over the top. DH mentioned today that we need to reign it in a bit which sparked a longer chat (we were in the car, stuck in traffic).

I explained that I thought it was down to growing up with very little, I make up for it now and get a bit spendy. DH grew up with money, and is in fact a lot more careful than me. He argued that if I grew up with very little, surely I'd be more inclined to be careful now in case I end up spending too much/get into debt/have to go without.

So did or does your upbringing have an effect your approach to money now?

I grew up in a house dirt poor but full of love. So I've spent my adulthood looking for money and financial security whilst sacrificing the emotional side of life. The fear of poverty is omnipresent. I can't forget it. But I'm thankful for that love I grew up with.

My mate grew up wealthy but in a cold, hostile, aggressive household. She's spent her adulthood chasing love, approval and mind expanding substances at the expense of financials. Material stuff isn't too important to her.

Basic examples, but yes, I do think childhood affects everything.

My parents were not frugal but also not spendthrifts and my Dad was a high earner. They were always comfortable financially and my Dad stressed that debt apart from a mortgage should be avoided at all costs. I was brought up to respect money and treat it carefully.

Consequently I am a keen budgeter and we have always watched what we spent and lived within our income. My DH is not overkeen on credit cards but he does like spending but if I were to say rein it in because money was tight he would. He came from a less comfortable background as his mum was a single parent on a modest salary but she always lived within her income. So although we came from different backgrounds we are both mindful that spending more than we earn will lead to disaster.

I have tried to pass this on to our now adult daughters and they are both careful with their spending too.

I could never be someone who spent regardless on credit cards if there was no money in the current account. It would worry me too much as I like feeling financially secure and having the buffer of savings rather than the worry of debt which needs repaying.

My DPS definately had enough money. They were sensible with money but fairly generous to us. We never went without.
I followed in this pattern for a while- budgeted, saved a bit, spent a bit. But we had some rich relatives who gave me some really good advice on investment basics from when I was quite young.
Partly because of this and having some good opportunities I decided I was prepared to take a bit more of a risk with money than my DPS. Luckily it's paid off.

My mum and dad were both raised with restricted income, my Dad perhaps slightly more so but then my mum has more siblings.
My mum is utterly obsessed with budgeting, planning and investing. My Dad is a complete spendthrift. My Dad claims and does love to spend money on others, to treat them, to host and share the wealth. My mum is very much her/ them first to be very comfortable etc. Entirely anecdotal. But I think their habits are not just from the money itself, but their reaction to their childhood. My mum never wants to struggle again though is naturally frugal to the point of being miserly. My Dad sees money as temporary anyway.

Grew up fairly poor. There was always stress about money at home, although my parents did pay for extra curricular activities, but we never had «trendy» stuff.
As a student I went a bit crazy with the money, but now I’m a sahm, and having gone through some very lean years I’m a lot better. I tend to avoid shops though as I still have the «need» to buy anything I fancy. So I end up spending most days at home. We’re slowly saving up now, which is the first time since we got married that we are making that a priority (probably because it’s the first time that it seems like a realistic goal). I do worry that I’ll go back to spending everything when I go back to work and have disposable income.

Yes.
Grew up very poor and have a kinda disfunctional relationship with money now. Buying anything for myself makes me super anxious so I don't buy new clothes, make up or haircuts, get the value range for the weekly shop, etc
But then I do that typical working class feast and famine behaviour where I'll randomly treat myself to take aways because luxury is synonymous with food.
I wouldn't have been one of those kids that waited for a second marshmallow, that's for sure.
I do some sensible things. I pay the mortgage, I save, I don't allow myself any credit cards or too much of an overdraft.
DH is gradually habituating me to more middle class, instrumental attitude to money- where you use it to get your self ahead.
I remember being very anxious about buying a house because it seemed like a terrible responsibility that could only lead to negative equity and ruin.
Then eventually getting it and kinda going: "Oh, it's like having something valuable you can pawn.....except bigger! Yeah, we should do that"

Definitely! I grew up with money - an only child of fairly careful parents (who did well but grew up poor), I’ve definitely inherited their careful ways. My husband on the other hand grew up with a Mum who was bribing up 6 children on a very low wage and working a few jobs. He spends as it comes in and I’m really careful.

I never wanted for anything as a child. My parents both handed over cash whenever I asked for it. No one ever taught me to budget and as a result I'm terrible with money as an adult and constantly being bailed out by others when my pay packet is empty. My mum, dad, mother in law and obviously my husband are still bailing me out as a grown up. I'm determined my children will be taught how to budget as they get older but I'd have to learn how to do it myself first.

Yes, I grew up in a household where we had very little as it was spent on the adults.

In contrast, my children have everything, can do hobbies and always have whatever they need for school.

We work hard, save, have no debt bar mortgage and have fun. That balance is what I hope my chidren achieve.

My parents were modestly comfortable. They sent is to private school and we had a biggish house in a "posh" avenue, piano lessons etc but I think they had no option but to live fairly frugally in order to manage that stuff. We rarely went on holiday, never abroad. They barely drank. No meals out. Very modest Christmas and birthdays.

They supported us through uni but made it quite clear we had to make funds last as there was no more (we did). Most things we were lectured on - how we should be grateful, make the most of it. It was true ... but to the extent that for many years later even now (I'm 43) I feel guilty spending money on myself or "wasting" money on non essentials.
Even when they were older and had more money they were very frugal. They kindly have me £1000 for my wedding and that was supposed to pay for everything(!) As for a house deposit, forget it ("you've got a job now haven't you?")
I married a bit of a spendthrift. Maybe it should have been a disaster but we've been good influences on each other - I'm the main earner. He's now less profligate and I'm less tightarsed, but old habits die hard.

We're about to buy a new house and we were both shocked by the savings I had amassed. I do have a good job but I'm still no good at spending! We splurge on our children Christmas and birthdays but the rest of the year not so much. I still take leftovers to work for lunch in a tupperware box. We live very modestly - three bed terrace (albeit no mortgage) and no flash cars, though we could afford them. My reasoning was that it seemed a waste to spend more than we needed and I've had a constant worry that I should save as much as I can in case we need it.

So yes my parents attitude to money definitely rubbed off on me and probably went too far.
As they say, there's no pockets in shrouds.

Yes.

A friend is obsessed with making sure her DC have everything. She is constantly buying for them. I have often wondered why someone who is otherwise pretty sensible is like this with her DCs. She recently talked about a growing up and how her parents were pretty skint for a few years and she was jealous of the kids that had all the latest stuff and then it all made sense. The trouble is her DC might not necessarily appreciate things in the same way and her hang ups with having stuff could be damaging to them.

Yes. My parents were comfortable but not rich. They gave me everything despite coming from humble backgrounds. My mum is a saver extraordinaire.

My dad kept finances close to his chest and I never learned to budget.

I’ve been terrible until now and have lived month to month. But I put myself on a financial diet, learned to love a bargain and my life feels so much better for it.

I grew up very poor (no car, no phone, no central heating, free school meals etc etc). I'm now comfortable, but not wealthy.

I'm cautious with money because it's the only way I know how to be. I'm debt free, (apart from a small mortgage), I choose to live well within my means, and save significant amounts every month. I drive a nice car and have holidays each year, but that's as far as my spending goes.

It helps that I hate shopping, but no amount of acquisition of consumerist tat could compete with the knowledge that I have substantial savings to provide security if I ever need it.

I grew up in a time of economic upheaval, there weren't any tax credits etc. So when my parents separated we literally had a wage to cover everything & CB. We were poor, I was bullied because of it.

I don't know how old you are OP but your attitudes may change. When I was younger I had responsibilities of a mortgage, but still spent till my wages were gone. It was a luxury to have food, so a lot of waste going to the supermarket for whatever we fancied that night, plus big shops. I ended up in debt, no one really spoke about debt growing up or at school. I'd use cards to survive the month, then got it all in order before PFB came along.

We had a crazy wedding of excess prior to PFB, I look back and think what a waste, even though it was an ok day. I didn't like being the centre of attention much, so milling and people wanting photos was my idea of hell.

I'd say my attitude to money was pretty much, got money, spend money, till I hit my late twenties. Even if it was on DC. I wanted them to have nice things. I got sucked into the mountain of presents bollocks, it didn't wow DC if anything they were bored and it was like a conveyor belt. So we said they write a list, they get what's on the list with a few exceptions of say stationary and clothes.

In my thirties my attitude changed vastly, we didn't really go out anywhere, so take ours were a treat, but we ended up saying it's a lot of money really. We both endeavoured to save more, still getting random bits and bobs.

It's a dodgy time of year with birthdays & Christmas. But got all the presents via Amazon as DC want to give their Dad a few bits which I can't complain about.

I've known it where we've had no money, we're no longer together, for DC I'm not wanting to get into another relationship for various reasons. So priority is bills, food, DC get treats, I'm not interested in fashion for myself, I've pretty much a staple look. I bought so much when I did spend I don't want for anything.

Food shopping is vastly different. Going from brands to home brands and even value as I can't tell the difference. I'm not fussed if veg isn't perfect, that's usually what's value range.

It depends what is important to you. I was a slave to fashion, but was that for me or others? With DC their clothes are mostly supermarket, the eldest is raiding my old rock tops to wear which I don't mind. The biggest expenditure is shoes for DC as they grow.

I want to be in the black, I have an overdraft but it's more for emergencies.

Presents for Christmas, we share so we put 50/50 into the pot to cover Christmas lists. For others I'll search for things I think they'll like on Black Friday.

I've known poverty growing up and in adulthood. I don't know why but my focus is on saving and building up, so if something was needed, something with the car, something with the house, it's not a huge stress.

Having DC we stuck to boring magnolia walls. We had shoes off at the door. So maintenance was minimal. On being alone I'd like to put my own stamp on the place, as I've not had that option prior as our tastes were different. Ex H loved white and plain colours. Maybe in the future I'll save up to a certain amount and do something I want. That's the main emphasis need over want.

Being in poverty in the past meeting needs is so important. Having a contingency is important. Allowing DC a treat is another, but not anything crazy. Usually a few £ each at most.

It's an individual thing, I see where you're coming from, I would say think about what your priorities are. Speak some more with DH and see what he wants to achieve.

My biggest lesson was you don't need to spend or spend a lot to enjoy yourself, as an individual or family. Go to the park, look for nature nearby, so walks by a river, a lake, something of interest. If you enjoy take outs or eating out, make it a treat over habit. Check Tripadvisor to see if you're missing somewhere you wouldn't normally consider. Look at your shopping habits and see where you can save. Buying in bulk helps, so consider Costco. If fashion / make up / intensive skincare is important, think who you are doing it for, does it make a difference? If it's important to you set a quarterly budget. Shop about, consider places you wouldn't usually. Try out different brands. Say to DH about couponing and that if something you both work on, more money could be saved. Set up an email account just for voucher code sites.

Do you have a guilty pleasure? Something you really love?

Have you done a typical month incoming / outgoings?

I won't insult your intelligence with shop round for best utilities etc. But it does pay to do it with shopping and shop for a month if you have the storage, then all you need is basics. Keep an eye out for offers, but double check the saving is worth it. They're sneaky with 'amazing' deals that save you 20p if you buy say 5 Muller yoghurts.

Is your hubby preparing for future, wanting to save for something specific, or just reign in the spending.

Are you happy in yourself? Would you say not having much growing up has affected you? Do you speak to your family?

I got told years back sometimes we spend as we don't feel in control of our lives, so it's the one thing we can control.

Hope I don't sound condescending

My parents were careful with money. They ran a shop and I recall their benchmark of whether to try a new product or service in it being that they would do it if it would bring in an extra £50 a year (1990s).
We are now comfortably off but I still feel somehow morally obliged to eg: Ebay all our good quality old clothes rather than just donating everything to charity etc.
Relatedly, it has taken about ten years of financial stability to feel I could let go of things that "might come in handy" - I never became a hoarder but I remember as a child feeling that eg: I shouldn't use up my FIMO because then I wouldn't have any left anymore and no way to replace it, leading to a) still having now-useless remnants of it in adulthood and b) feeling loathe to 'declutter' as it just seemed like straight depriving myself of wealth rather than the items being replaceable if ever actually required.

I have always felt insecure about money as my family were poor, so I don't overspend but my sister is the opposite.

My upbringing absolutely shaped my attitudes and behaviour, if it hadn't I'd have been the 18yo stereotype with more money than sense (until I'd blown it all!). I grew up with money, a lot of money, but I also grew up with a father who taught me financial responsibility from the day I started to receive pocket money. DH had a similar background, so fortunately we're well matched.

We are raising our dc with the same emphasis on being responsible while still enjoying life. Part of that responsibility is being aware of what others don't have, the impact that has and how to use money wisely to make a difference - social responsibility is important to my dad and he passed that on.

We were comfortable but not loaded until I was about 10. Then my dad got ill and it turned out he had no life insurance, and no anything insurance much, and we became quite poor. Sold the house, moved to a different part of London and lots of knock on effects.

DH and I are comfortable but not loaded again. Not as comfortable as my parents had been in the early part of my childhood, but nothing to grumble about. Everything is insured. I save as much as I can. I
am very cautious with money!

It is possible to have the same/similar upbringing but have different attitudes to spending. My dh is one of 4 siblings. 2 are sensible, one is profligate and 1 does not care about money. In my family, we are all pretty cautious to different degrees.

I am wondering whether I should start giving my dc 14 and 11 pocket money to teach them the value. Does this mean that they have to self-fund any treats? Right now, even if I give them spending money, they will still want me to pay for everything

I grew up extremely poor, my parents were in massive amounts of debts, bailiffs were regular visitors and it wasn't unusual for there to be no food or electricity (pre-pay meters).

As a result I budget very, very carefully, I have never borrowed any money or even gone into my overdraft, if I can't afford something I go without it and even if there is loads in my account its rare for me to spend it on things I don't need.

I grew up with very little. Careful with money now.

Does this mean that they have to self-fund any treats? Right now, even if I give them spending money, they will still want me to pay for everything

That depends entirely on you.

I started giving pocket money much younger, but it was initially only for practice using money and the odd magazine/bag of sweets over and above what we (DH and I) were offering. By the start of secondary school we had switched to a monthly allowance and what it has to cover changes as my dc get older (going out with friends, clothes wants as opposed to needs, independent travel...built up over time), we have a regular review to help them learn budgeting skills and prepare for more autonomy.

The key is making sure they know the boundaries and expectations/consequences first.

OP my DH was like you - grew up with relatively little and now likes to treat himself because he can.

Whereas I grew up in relative affluence (in terms of household income) but my parents were wildly irresponsible with it. They should by all accounts now have a large detached house fully paid off and a good pension; instead the house is remortgaged and they have no pension. It's made me fairly fixated on stability and savings and it causes tension between DH and I.

I'm with your DH. And going mad on Christmas for a one-year old who won't understand the fuss at all is, in my opinion, a bit daft. Because it's not about them it's about you.

My parents were very badly off. I have no siblings because they could only just afford to have me. We didn't have a telephone in our house until 1984 when I was 10. We didn't go on holiday.

As a result, I am very careful with money. Even if I buy something for myself that isn't an essential I more or less have to justify it in my head - even though I have £15,000 in my bank accounts (current and savings). I don't go without, though, and appreciate I am far better off than many other people. And I'm not stingy.

Aside from my mortgage, I have no debt and never have. I have never had a credit card and have never bought anything on credit. I feel much safer, as a result, knowing I am always living within my means and I don't go without anything (salary £20k per year).