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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset

59 replies

waitingforlifetostart · 26/11/2017 20:19

My oldest friend is visiting from South America where she now lives with her daughter and husband. She's been here for 20 days and goes back in a few days. I've only seen her twice since she got here and I can't help feeling a little hurt. She has family to see but if the situations were reversed I'd make sure I saw her even if only for some short catch ups. I'm not expecting her to prioritise me over her family obviously but a half hour coffee catch up doesn't seem too much does it? I made sure I kept the evenings and weekends free for her but couldn't get time off work in the day time. Aibu?

OP posts:
asmuchuseasachocolatefireguard · 26/11/2017 20:22

I don't know honestly becuse you have seen her twice and I'm sure she is seeing family and maybe because she's been away (for how long?) and is going back maybe she doesn't see you in the same way any as she used to?

I am sorry you're upset about it though. Have you someone you can talk to?

RavingRoo · 26/11/2017 20:22

You have seen her twice. Maybe she’s too busy for more. Tbh it sounds like you need to let go - you both lead v different lives.

BifsWif · 26/11/2017 20:25

I think YABU unreasonable, sorry.

She’s probably knackered after running around making sure she manages to see everybody before she leaves, two visits is more than generous in a three week period especially when she has had other friends and family to see too.

user1493413286 · 26/11/2017 20:27

I’m not quite following why you’re upset if you’ve seen her twice and she has other people to see. It’s likely that a lot of people can only do evenings and weekends and I’m sure she doesn’t want to be busy e dry night, that’d get a bit much for anyone

loobybear · 26/11/2017 20:30

Sorry but you are being unreasonable. When I return to my home country I would usually aim to see my friends 1-2 times. If I get to see them more then that's great but there are so many people to catch up with that it's just not always possible. I would also want some downtime just to relax in my home and the places that mean a lot to me.

Codlet · 26/11/2017 20:30

My best friend now lives in Australia. I know that when she comes back for a visit she finds it stressful and tiring to fit in everyone she wants to see. Twice sounds fine to me.

Original poster
waitingforlifetostart · 26/11/2017 20:36

Maybe it's just me who would want to spend time with a best friend of over 30 years. Thanks.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/11/2017 20:38

💐 I’m sorry you’re upset, I bet you’ve been really looking forward to spending time with her. It’s a shame she wasn’t able to stay with you for part of the time, so even if she was out a lot you’d still see her late in the evening & early in the morning etc.

I’ve spent half my life in the UK & half my life overseas, I have family & friends in both. It’s always very difficult when visiting or being visited. The potential for upset is huge. My mum is pretty much avoiding visiting here now because visiting everyone exhaust her & she feels she gets torn between what she wants to do & what she feels she has to do & I’m the same when I go there.

I suppose you need to think about what it was like when you were spending time together, did it feel natural & close or did you feel like everything had changed. Do you feel she’d like to have spent more time with you but was obliged to spend her time elsewhere or do you feel she’s happy with how she spent her time here?

DailyMailFuckRightOff · 26/11/2017 20:39

YABU. When I return home I always have plans to catch up with everyone, but always end up cancelling a few as it just gets chaotic and exhausting.
She hasn't just come to see you, she's come to spend time with family and also just enjoy being 'at home'. So allow her the time to do that.

It's not all about you.

Original poster
waitingforlifetostart · 26/11/2017 20:40

It's always completely natural between us. It can be years between seeing each other but it makes no difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforlifetostart · 26/11/2017 20:41

Lovely DailyMail. Thanks for that. You've really helped.

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 26/11/2017 20:42

Twice seems reasonable to me. Dh's friend now lives in America, when he and his wife come back we usually catch up twice during their visit, tbh I think it's quite a lot and appreciate the effort they make to see us.

ICanNeverThinkOfAGoodUsrname · 26/11/2017 20:44

Sorry but YABU

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/11/2017 20:46

MN is a big place, with lots of different people & types of relationships etc. Lots of friendships don’t reflect mine, at all. My friends & I are really close, they’re definitely ‘the family I choose for myself’. Other people have lots more friends but their relationships seem less close. It’s perfectly ok to feel how you feel. It doesn’t matter how many people agree or disagree with you. I think ‘chat’ might have been a better place to post 💐

SparklingSnowfall · 26/11/2017 20:47

YABU, you've seen her twice, how long is it since she was last over?

Original poster
waitingforlifetostart · 26/11/2017 20:49

Sparkling - I last saw her nearly two years ago.

Annie - thank you.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/11/2017 20:56

Are you able to go & visit her? You’ll be able to spend much more time together that way.

Original poster
waitingforlifetostart · 26/11/2017 21:02

I visited her about 6 years ago.

OP posts:
SparklingSnowfall · 26/11/2017 21:02

How about the 2 times you have seen her, were they half hour coffees or dinners/evenings out or the like?

Wolfiefan · 26/11/2017 21:05

You have seen her twice. She will want to visit other friends and family and maybe see places that mean something to her. She may want to do UK touristy stuff with her DH and DD.
YABU.

category12 · 26/11/2017 21:05

You've seen her twice. That's quite a lot in a 3-week or so visit.

LizzieSiddal · 26/11/2017 21:05

It natural to fell sad that you haven't seen her more, but I think you need to realise how exhausting it is trying to fit everyone in. My brother lives in Aus and he sometimes doesn't tell some people he's in the UK, as he cannot cope with the comments from them, that he's not seen them enough. (Not saying you'd do that OP).

Your friend will have had numerous things to fit in and is now probably utterly exhausted.

Go and see her, you'll see much more of her that way.

Spudlet · 26/11/2017 21:12

She's not gone yet - could you try to organise a quick catch up, even if it's half an hour for a coffee? Just be prepared that she may not be able to, and try not to put her under pressure. But surely it's better to ask than to stay quiet and resent it. At the very least, she'll know that you cared and wanted to spend time, which is a nice thing to know.

elisaveta · 26/11/2017 21:12

Actually I don't think twice is that much if it was only for 30 mins. I had a similar situation in July. Friend of 30 years visiting from NZ. I knew she'd be here, there and everywhere and it would just be one catch-up, but we met late afternoon, had drinks, dinner and stayed in same hotel, which was a proper catch-up. That sounds different to your experience. I think I'd feel a bit hurt, yes. YANBU.

CotswoldStrife · 26/11/2017 21:13

Another one who thinks seeing her twice is actually quite a lot in what is probably a very busy visit for her. You seem very hurt though OP, what has happened when she's been over before? Did she have her daughter then too?

I suspect although you have been friends for a long time, she's been away for most of that.