To be upset

[waitingforlifetostart]

My oldest friend is visiting from South America where she now lives with her daughter and husband. She's been here for 20 days and goes back in a few days. I've only seen her twice since she got here and I can't help feeling a little hurt. She has family to see but if the situations were reversed I'd make sure I saw her even if only for some short catch ups. I'm not expecting her to prioritise me over her family obviously but a half hour coffee catch up doesn't seem too much does it? I made sure I kept the evenings and weekends free for her but couldn't get time off work in the day time. Aibu?

My Aunt only tells a few people when she is visiting the UK, for exactly this reason. She doesn't want to let people down by stretching herself to thin. Think of it this way, she saw you twice, becasue she wanted to. In between obligatory visits to some, and wanted time with close family. Close friends are the ones you don't have to explain yourself to, or who can flex when you need them to.

one of my closest friends now lives in New York - have been friends for about 35 years or so.
When he comes home I know lots of people feel the same. he is a lovely bloke, yes, to me I feel he is one of my closest friends, but he is also a great friend to a great many people, all of whom would love to see him too. He tries. Last time we saw him twice I think, that was in a month - the time before just managed once, and a brief car journey as I toook him to the station to catch his train to the airport. He has people he likes to try and catch up with when he lived in London too, and sometimes, while here, might pop over the the continent for a weekend to see friends who have gone there too.
And to relax. To just chill out in his parents home without seeing anyone. Its hard when you live abroad. I would say twice is pretty good.

Maybe it's just me who would want to spend time with a best friend of over 30 years. Thanks.

No need to get passive-aggressive just because people don't give you the answer you want.

Think YABU. Twice is good in my book.

My oldest and best friend visited the UK this summer and I only saw her once (last time I'd seen her was 10 years ago). If I could, I would've spent every minute with her, we'd missed each other so much. But she didn't have the time and was here for 3 weeks only. So I had to make the most of that one time, we spent a few hours together.
I know how you feel OP but don't be upset, I'm sure she would've spent lots more time with you if she could

Going to sign off for now as pretty upset and some of these posts aren't helping. Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

My parents live abroad and whenever they come over to the UK they end up exhausted trying to fit in a visit to everybody. And thats with a family get together that we always arrange too

But you have seen her. Twice!

I moved to UK almost 15 years ago. I try to go to my native country about once every two years, and stay a couple of weeks each time. It's often a struggle to see people I want" to see (like old friends), people I have to see (usually relatives that really really to see me - even though they have never visited, called or contacted me either way during these years), spend time with my immediate family, also get some me* time and relax. I'd say seeing your friend twice in 3 weeks is pretty good going, as other people suggested you may try to arrange to see her again next week for a coffee and a chat, but please don't be offended if she won't be able to make it. Just think that your friend might be meeting someone or more than someone every day during this week. Honestly, towards the end of my holidays in my native country I am looking forward to go home - to get some rest, peace and quiet. And usually for a couple of weeks I try to avoid any socializing as I am really "peopled out".

I'd be disappointed too. Do you think she's busy seeing other friends or is she someone who needs a bit of space and time while home? My best friend and I lived abroad for a few years and when we were in the same place we found a lot of time for each other - in nearly 3 weeks, twice is not much IMO. It does depend on the quality of the time together, too. We would have got takeaway at home and chatted all evening, probably stayed up til well after midnight. But we are both extroverts, we like spending a lot of time around people and don't need a lot of time alone IYSWIM.

I know you might be hurt but she can be very tired. 20 days is very little if you want to see everyone even just once.
Every year I'm going back home for a month to see family and friends it's really hard to see everyone as not everyone can just drop everything and to see me. So you spending half of your time trying to fit in, and see everybody and try not to offend anyone by only see them for few hours only etc
So try to understand and be more sympathetic.

As a true friend you just need to think the best of her. She's seen you, she cares about you, she'd see you more if she could. If you think she's just not bothering then you don't think much of her as a friend so it's all a bit irrelevant anyway.

I live in the USA.

Visits home to the UK are lovely but also incredibly stressful and exhausting.

Last time I was home it was for three weeks. Everyone wants time with you.

My parents
My DH’s parents
Our siblings on both sides
Our Aunts and Uncles (on both sides)
Our cousins (on both sides)
Our Godchildren and their families
My friends
My DH’s friends
Our DC’s friends.

We did our very best to fit everyone in. We had no rest days, despite having travelled for a whole day to get home we saw our first set of people the morning after we arrived.

Pretty much every day the kids had both a morning and an afternoon play date, we had a lunch out and we had a dinner out. Every day.

Non stop for three weeks.

We didn’t have any long lies, we didn’t get to sight see, we didn’t get to go shopping or DH and I have a night alone.

Even then despite our very best efforts we didn’t manage to fit everyone in.

And I’m not talking about acquaintances, I’m talking about good friends and family members.

My best and oldest friend saw us once.
My DH’s best am oldest friend saw us once.
Some close family members saw us once.

I’m sorry that you feel sad, I understand how you feel but you need to put yourself in her place. It won’t be that she doesn’t want more time with you, she just genuinely might not have it to give.

Try not to guilt trip her, we had someone who texted us everyday we were home complaining that they wanted more time. It really didn’t help.

I FaceTime and WhatsApp with my best friends regularly. It’s a good way to keep in touch and I appreciate that they make the time.

I think twice is reasonable for a short stay when she's got lots of other people to fit in, however why don't you start planning for a trip out there next year, plan well in advance so she can get time off and you can do something, just the two of you, for a few days?

I think it's hard because she probably has many people to juggle, it's hard getting the balance right.

Would an option be you visiting her?

Try not to take it personally. Do you speak to her other friends/family? Could you suggest an 'event' of sorts so you all get to see her again in a relaxed environment.

Cavendar puts it well.
Everyone will want to see her. Everyone will put demands on her time.
This visit was for her to see her family and some friends. You've seen her twice. Maybe start saving for another visit if you're that upset.

@waitingforlifetostart
OP you are technically being unreasonable but I feel for you.
Going by your username, dont you think that maybe you're at a time in life where things are hard (for whatever reason?) and you had built this visit up in your head as something that was going to be a real source of support for you - and it turned out to be rushed and not what you had imagined?

Shes a very old.friend - did her visiting maybe inspire some nostalgia or sadness, maybe a sense that time is flying by, maybe some regret somewhere for some reason?

Maybe I'm way off the mark - but maybe you feel upset because she, and her visit, symbolise something for you. X

When I visit 'back home' every few years it is very difficult to split our time between friends and family, unfortunately friends (even life long very good ones) usually only he one visit each and family see a bit more of us.

A trip home is very costly (long haul flights, family with two teens so full price tickets) we have to be quite firm with how we divide our time otherwise we get no time to ourselves and come home feeling like we've had no holiday.

I thought no seeing your friend twice already is great but she's probably under pressure to see other friends and downs more time with her family too.

Too many typos to even try to correct...bloody autocorrect

Wednesday makes a really good point. A visit home is your annual “holiday” and very expensive but it isn’t in any way restful or relaxing. We usually come back exhausted.

If she has a DH and DC she’ll also have to balance their needs and preferences.

I think your expectations were possibly rather too high and unrealistic to be honest, though I don't think you intend it that way.

She is probably in demand a lot, and getting hardly any downtime. I doubt that she intends to hurt you, but there just aren't enough hours in the day.

Twice isn't bad really. If you can save up to go and visit her then you will probably get much more time together.

YABU. I thought you were saying you had only seen her twice since she moved to South Africa. She has seen you twice since she has been here??? That sounds reasonable to me.

I am sorry you are a bit hurt, but she has done nothing wrong. Be careful not to be salty with her, or she may not want to meet again at all next time she comes to the UK.

*South America, not South Africa (Sorry...)

I can totally understand why you feel disappointed.

I visited family in the north of the UK , and had intended to catch up with a dear friend in London. But the family had organised a whole fortnight of activities, and visiting my friend became an impossibility. These things just happen, and it doesn't reflect on your friendship.