664485867669432fjffhththththth ·
26/11/2017 17:31
Evening all, new on here but coming to the end of my tether with the IL'S and wanted to know AIBU? To cut a long story short-ish (sorry for long post), DH is a kind and gentle man - he just wants everyone to get along. He has 'kept up appearances' with MIL and FIL into his thirties but is now growing tired of 'not being good enough.'
DH recently chose to leave his high-pressured job and set up his own business. This has been a great success and he is happier and more successful (including wage-wise) compared to his old job. However, because it is not a traditional 9-5, FIL in particular is insistent that it is a 'ridiculous idea' and DH is 'bound to fail.' We visited last week and they kept him in the living room until 1.30pm quizzing him on every aspect of his life and criticising his every move e.g. no pension (even though he's started a private one etc). They even went so far as to compare my career with his and tell him that he needed to be more like me - I had to step in and emphasise that my job is very different etc.
So the background is that such interrogations have now been going on for over 2 years. We brought a house about 18 months ago and so far they have visited twice. The last time, the FIL phoned up at the last minute and said they would stay in a local hotel instead of at ours (we have 4 bedrooms and plenty of room). I assured them I would love them to stay but they had already booked elsewhere. They then refused to eat in (even though I had purchased ingredients for a lovely roast).
DH usually just says 'this is how they've always been' and doesn't like to cause a fuss / confrontation but it's becoming unbearable. He is so upset after he's visited (we go down about every 3 weeks - it's a 6 hour round journey). He tries to phone regularly but FIL often criticises him for not keeping in touch with MIL.
MIL herself is not the easiest person to get along with. I work in obesity prevention and she recently told me I couldn't go on stage at a conference as I would 'be a hypocrite and everyone would be pointing at the stage saying who's that fatty.' This was over lunch and DH was there although FIL was not. DH knew I was upset but he genuinely does not know how to stop his parents being so horrible.
Anyhow, where this is all leading is Christmas! Having agreed to come to us again like last year, they have now said they want to stay down south as they have had a better offer. I have tried to be diplomatic about this (after all, everyone is entitled to spend Christmas as they want and like DH I just want everyone to get along) but they are now requesting that we spend 3 days down there and go out for a meal with all of their friends etc.
DH wants to be at home and wanted to host them....he doesn't feel they participate in his life and is tired of being away from home visiting them. He also feels his parents are worse in their own space and is going to spend the whole of the holiday being attacked for his life choices. For my part, I feel my parents have not really been considered and that FIL and MIL are making excuses e.g. drives too long (FIL regularly drives to Scotland for golf and they drive to a holiday home every weekend which is the same distance as our house) when I would rather they admit they just don't want to spend Christmas up here.
So I guess AIBU about them in the first place? And secondly, about Christmas? DH is insistent that he doesn't want to go to the boxing day event. Should we just keep the peace? FIL is 71 and is in excellent health - in another 10 years, I would happily drop everything and go there but I feel if we give in now it will just create even further inbalance. Any advice greatly appreciated!