AIBU with Christmas / general in-law situation?

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Evening all, new on here but coming to the end of my tether with the IL'S and wanted to know AIBU? To cut a long story short-ish (sorry for long post), DH is a kind and gentle man - he just wants everyone to get along. He has 'kept up appearances' with MIL and FIL into his thirties but is now growing tired of 'not being good enough.'

DH recently chose to leave his high-pressured job and set up his own business. This has been a great success and he is happier and more successful (including wage-wise) compared to his old job. However, because it is not a traditional 9-5, FIL in particular is insistent that it is a 'ridiculous idea' and DH is 'bound to fail.' We visited last week and they kept him in the living room until 1.30pm quizzing him on every aspect of his life and criticising his every move e.g. no pension (even though he's started a private one etc). They even went so far as to compare my career with his and tell him that he needed to be more like me - I had to step in and emphasise that my job is very different etc.

So the background is that such interrogations have now been going on for over 2 years. We brought a house about 18 months ago and so far they have visited twice. The last time, the FIL phoned up at the last minute and said they would stay in a local hotel instead of at ours (we have 4 bedrooms and plenty of room). I assured them I would love them to stay but they had already booked elsewhere. They then refused to eat in (even though I had purchased ingredients for a lovely roast).

DH usually just says 'this is how they've always been' and doesn't like to cause a fuss / confrontation but it's becoming unbearable. He is so upset after he's visited (we go down about every 3 weeks - it's a 6 hour round journey). He tries to phone regularly but FIL often criticises him for not keeping in touch with MIL.

MIL herself is not the easiest person to get along with. I work in obesity prevention and she recently told me I couldn't go on stage at a conference as I would 'be a hypocrite and everyone would be pointing at the stage saying who's that fatty.' This was over lunch and DH was there although FIL was not. DH knew I was upset but he genuinely does not know how to stop his parents being so horrible.

Anyhow, where this is all leading is Christmas! Having agreed to come to us again like last year, they have now said they want to stay down south as they have had a better offer. I have tried to be diplomatic about this (after all, everyone is entitled to spend Christmas as they want and like DH I just want everyone to get along) but they are now requesting that we spend 3 days down there and go out for a meal with all of their friends etc.

DH wants to be at home and wanted to host them....he doesn't feel they participate in his life and is tired of being away from home visiting them. He also feels his parents are worse in their own space and is going to spend the whole of the holiday being attacked for his life choices. For my part, I feel my parents have not really been considered and that FIL and MIL are making excuses e.g. drives too long (FIL regularly drives to Scotland for golf and they drive to a holiday home every weekend which is the same distance as our house) when I would rather they admit they just don't want to spend Christmas up here.

So I guess AIBU about them in the first place? And secondly, about Christmas? DH is insistent that he doesn't want to go to the boxing day event. Should we just keep the peace? FIL is 71 and is in excellent health - in another 10 years, I would happily drop everything and go there but I feel if we give in now it will just create even further inbalance. Any advice greatly appreciated!

,my DH's family are a bit like this. It's really hard for someone brought up in that environment to challenge them, but you should stick up for him in front of them. They have no grip on you - there is no need to be as cowed as your DH.

See them less. NOT every three weeks - that is way too much for people who are that unpleasant.

I put boundaries in placenta with DH's parents and I hold the line. They respond OK. My DH's brother's wife does the same.

I wouldn't care if they stayed in a hotel, but if they refuse to eat T home just say the truth - you have bought the food and would be offended if they didn't eat it.

Yanbu - start leaving a longer and longer gap between visits. Every three weeks is far too much if you aren't enjoying the visits. Keep in touch with emails rather the phone calls.

Definitely say no to boxing day/Christmas, if they want to take the "better" offer fine but they can't dictate that you do too. Thats your get out clause, they changed existing plans, you don't want to go along with them.

Good luck its hard on DH I'm sure but he needs to start slowly or else resentment will fester

Why is it even a question? Thanks for the invite IL’s but, as you know from when we last spoke, we’re hosting my family. So we won’t be able to make it. Hope you have a great time and maybe you can come over for a meal on X date.

You both want Christmas at home, so have it at home!

Just sounding a note of caution, when you say that you are not going down, present them with a full unchangeable schedule of what you'll be doing on Christmas Day in case the refusal prompts a change of heart and a return to the original plan No longer possible, unfortunately. Maybe next year. Maybe ...

Does your DH have any siblings who can share the load OP?

Thanks to all on here :)

I think part of me is guilty of being cowed as you say. Since they stopped attacking the idea of the relationship (DH hadn't brought other long term gf's home - always kept them very seperate - warning sign much!!) I have just enjoyed the smaller number of insults rather than constant barrage. But the time has come to show DH the way and set some limits.

I know I can be quite a forceful personality myself....apparently when I had enough the other night and interjected with 'sorry, I think I need to just say one thing here...' my look could have killed and they were falling over themselves to apologise. Maybe more is needed...I'm just scared of hurting DH. After all, they are his parents and I would hate to be the cause of the wedge between them....even though logically I know it's them.

Sometimes I genuinely feel like I'm in Alice in Wonderland....can people really be so mean?!!

Like the other night, MIL said 'I know everytime you come to visit I spend the whole time attacking you but it's because we care. FIL isn't sleeping, he's sick with worry.' DH's reply everytime is 'what about?' It's utterly bewildering. To which she went 'if you came home for a month at a time, we would have longer to chat about these things and talk them through properly.' What self-respecting man over 30 goes home for a month??!!! They get stranger each visit!

No he's an only child - think it's half the battle!! Not anti only-children as I'm one but there's definitely an intensity / controlling side to their relationship as a family unit that DH readily admits.

A month?! I think I'd have to point out to them that most parents can speak to their children without needing a month to do it.

It is truly bizarre when people think that the way to make you want to visit for longer/more often is to rant and pick arguments

I think you need to book and pay for some therapy for your DH as his Christmas gift. He is so in the FOG!!!

I would start treating them like toddlers "if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all"

poor you and DH! Stop going to visit for starters.

Nothing constructive to add, other than I think you and DH both sound lovely!

Good luck dealing with this - there's some good advice on here.

Just so you can all picture - think Mrs -Bucket- Bouquet. When DH first gave up his job, their first response was 'what on earth are we going to tell people you're doing when they ask? How does it make us look when we don't know what to say?'

I quickly stifled a response of 'well you'd know if you listened and didn't talk over him with disapproval and carried on drinking the coffee that FIL had told me was 'disgusting' as I'd make it too milky for him.

My life is a sitcom! :)

Oh I know, I'm actually half thinking this recent savings pot will be therapy sessions. I'm determined to not let them drive a wedge between me and DH though

Definitely decline the Christmas invites - they said they weren’t coming so you’ve made other plans, thank you, and you’re not changing them.

When they make unkind / disparaging / ridiculous comments, your DH should be pulling them up on them. He has tried being the better person, ignoring them etc. Clearly this hasn’t worked. So time for a different strategy.

And stop visiting them so often. If they keep being unpleasant, then cut out the visits altogether and tell them why. We are not coming to visit you until you apologise for being so unpleasant and agree to behave!

If ever a situation called for the MN classic 'did you mean to be so rude?' this would be it.

You asked them what was convenient and have arranged things to suit that. They've now changed their arrangements, so you say "That's a shame. We'll have to see you another time," and stick with it. No matter what.

If I were you I'd also pull back on visiting them so much; I'd call them out whenever they're rude to you; and I'd tell them that the next time it happens you'll leave and then stick with that.

They've been bullying you and your husband all this time. Don't put up with it anymore.

They're awful people. You can't change them but you can change your reactions to them.

Go and read some of the archives at Captain Awkward for a few scripts. It's very good.

I knew you were going to say that your dh is an only child. I am too and although my folks are more subtle than your in-laws, the same dynamics are all there. Get your dh reading about FOG and help him to understand that his folks wont change. He's got to accept them as they are and will probably love them more the less he sees them. Its time to build his own family life now, to enjoy you and yours parents and to create some space from them to make his own choices - and to enjoy those choices.

Well you do mention your in-laws having friends, so I may be projecting off base but I wonder if they spend their time making up scenarios in their heads that seem real. When they see you, the truth responses they get don't match up to the picture in their heads and they just don't take it in.

Christ. I love my parents dearly but I only see them every six weeks because I’m an adult and I have my own life and so do they.

There’s no need to make Christmas a big thing. Just say that it’s really nice of them to invite you but you just logistically can’t do it. You hope they have a lovely time.

Then put more distance between the visits. Go every four weeks, then every five. There’s no need for drama or an argument. If they try to cause an argument then that’s up to them.

My husband’s hate me, also because ‘I changed him.’ Well I did, so they have a point. I just let him know that he didn’t have to jump to it every time they made a ridiculous demand. This was a revelation to him. It also didn’t make him a bad son if he didn’t want to single-handedly run the family business, pay his sister’s mortgage, mow his parents’ five acres every second week etc etc.

Now he just literally ignores their stupid behaviour and sees them when he feels like it. They hate that they don’t control him anymore but they don’t hate him, they just hate me. It’s my fault. No fucks are given here!

Don't think you're too off-base CostwoldStrife. The vast majority of their friends either don't have children or have children who are tied into family businesses / still live at home past 30. DH is the exception. MIL often says 'well X phones Y every day.' DH protests and says he does phone regularly. FIL shoots him down saying 'text is not ringing' but when DH does ring, they never pick up. When DH pointed out that we also have a phone and they could ring him, FIL shoots down with 'stop point scoring, just do it.' DH cannot win sadly and probably never will.

FIL is very much into his rugby and a 'man's man' if you like and MIL has been lost since retirement, complains of being lonely, is often excluded from FIL's plans etc. I have tried to help MIL in terms of taking her out shopping, spa days, meeting up with her in the city in-between visits for lunch etc. to try and see whether her bitterness comes from loneliness. It seems to help for a few days / week and then the cycle just repeats again.

Sorry to offload on this thread - you've all been so supportive - thankyou so much. I hate to say too much to my friends as I feel like it's mine and DH's personal issues and it's not his fault his parents are not being the nicest.

He doesn’t have to ring them just because they say he should. He can do what he likes. He’s an adult. Similarly, you are not responsible for MIL’s loneliness. She is responsible for that.

DH protests and says he does phone regularly. FIL shoots him down saying 'text is not ringing' but when DH does ring, they never pick up

Why not buy them an answerphone for christmas? Then your DH can call and leave a message. Job done!

Please get your DH some therapy. Also get him to open a MN account and post in the stately homes thread. He will realise he is not alone with toxic/controlling parents.

Think about how it will be when you have children. Imagine the pleasure of planning your baby's first Christmas and these two absolutely ruining it and every subsequent Christmas from there on in.

It's time to start cutting the apron strings. Just because someone is family, it doesn't mean you need to live in each other's pockets or even like them.

Your DH will be much happier if he can distance himself from them and cut down on the visits and the phone calls. He gets nothing from this relationship except abuse and conflict. He leaves the visits feeling angry and depressed and guilty. He probably makes every call with a sense of duty rather than a sense of love and probably feels relief every time he puts the phone down knowing it's over again for a few days.

That is not healthy. Please get him to read this thread, get him to see a counsellor and get him to come on here and talk through how he feels.

Ahhh that old chestnut - I get the same from my own mother. She will text and say haven't heard from you for days ! Or tell my brother that she doesn't hear from me for days at a time - I have pointed out that she has a phone and can ring me !! OH mother does exactly the same to him. And when he points out that she hasn't called him either, she says "I don't like to bother you" or "well I know you're always busy"

It's just them feeling like we should always do the calling and visiting. OH's mother lives 15 minutes away and only visits on Xmas day - and even then she doesn't take her coat off !!

DH cannot win

No he can't. I would refer you the classic work of Eric Berne 'Games People Play'. The only way to win this game is not to play it.

FIL: Well X calls Y every night
DH: Oh, does he? What's for dinner? doesn't ring again for a fortnight

I would suggest you get each other copies of Toxic Parents and Toxic In-laws for Christmas.

Good grief: they know you have invited your parents and family and then they try and guilt trip you into going to theirs, instead? What are you supposed to do? In-invite your family?

DH loves your folks and them him. The ILs are rude, passive aggressive and borderline emotionally abusuve.

You really don’t owe them anything in terms of jumping to their tune.

You invited them, they accepted, then they rudely cancelled. End of arrangement for this Christmas.

Visit a bit less often, phone but not in a routine, be friendly and polite. Invite them from time to time.

And when you do see them, equip DH with some replies. “Thanks for your concern, Dad, but I have this covered and I’m confident on my decisions and choices so there isn’t a lot to discuss. Let’s change the subject “. “Ha, well I am actually doing well with my choices, and as you are being quite rude about them, I think it’s time to change the subject “. Etc.

You’re a size ten and your MIL called you fat?! Not that it’s ever appropriate to body-shame of course but still How awful. And clearly delusional. Hope it all works out; for what it’s worth YANBU.