Was I unreasonable to message the PTA chair about my children being given presents for wrong age group at school fair?

[YreneTowers]

This is a minor incident and I'm not at all angry or upset, and I understand how hard the PTA works to put on events like the Christmas Fair.

In the interests of full disclosure, I went to the PTA meetings, Christmas Fair planning meeting, helped send letters to local businesses about the fair, helped design a game stall, purchased prizes for the stall, volunteered for half an hour to run the stall and volunteered for another half hour in Santa's Grotto, taking tickets and ushering families through to see Santa.

When my relief at the grotto arrived (call her Betty - she's the mum of a child in DC2's class and also a neighbour, who I have known for several years to chat at preschool or school gates with) a group of children I didn't know (not Betty's kids) came in with her, who I assumed were there to see Santa. I explained which presents were for preschoolers and which for older children as quickly and discretely as possible so I didn't spoil anything for them, and went on my way.

A few minutes later, I took my children in to see Santa. They loved it, but I was surprised to see the kids who had come in with Betty still in there. I realised then that Betty must be babysitting and had brought them along to watch.

I realised quite quickly that Betty was handing the gifts meant for preschoolers to Santa, for my DC1 (8) and DC2 (4). I pointed this out to her as discretely as I could - there were plenty of the gifts meant for school age children left. Instead of correcting the mistake, she kind of rolled her eyes at me, and thanked me for pointing it out, but didn't swap the gifts in her hands for the correct ones and handed them to Santa.

I didn't complain any further, but when we got out had a chat with my children to manage their expectations about what was in the gift. They were disappointed but not upset.

Was I being unreasonable to message the PTA chair to let her know the mix-up happened, and to ask how it can be avoided in future?

The gift for school age children would not be suitable for under 3 year olds as it has small parts and would be a choking risk.

I think it depends on what you put in the message:

Was it like this?

I thought the Christmas fair was a real success, and all the ahrd work you put into organising it really paid off, I hope there was lots of money raised. One minor point, because we didn't label the age groups for the Father Christmas at least one of the helpers was handing them out to the wrong age group (I know this as my children were given pre-school gifts). I think we will need to do something different next time. Anyway, well done for the fair, have a well earned rest tomorrow.

Or more like this:

There was an issue at the fair as my children were given the wrong age group Christmas presents by Santa, even though I told Betty who was handing them out that she had them wrong. This needs to be done better next time!

Directly after an event, I wouldn't mind the former but could be pretty hacked off with the latter.

We just had our school's Xmas Fair as well, I worked a stall.

Was it a moment of mayhem or calm or somewhere between?

She gave up loads of her time to help the PTA and organise the event

Well we don't know that. Some people turn up, agree with everything and fuck off again....others do all the work.

Is Betty a PITA, or is the OP?

Next year just buy toys appropriate for all ages.

She gave up loads of her time to help the PTA and organise the event

Well we don't know that. Some people turn up, agree with everything and fuck off again....others do all the work.

Is Betty a PITA, or is the OP?

Next year just buy toys appropriate for all ages.

As chair of the pta I can tell you unequivocally that YABU. Seriously?! You think emailing the chair is hekpful? You do know that Betty does not in fact work for the chair and even if Betty behaved in a silly way, there is absolutely nothing the chair can do? What are you expecting? For Betty to be disciplined?

What you should have done is a) been a bit firmer with Betty about which presents were which. B) if necessary, swapped out your children’s presents yourself. C) gone and found a member of the committee ON THE SPOT asking them to please check
On things as Betty did not appear to be willing to listen to you (probably because you sound like a sanctimonious pain). D) bring up the issue of presents not being labelled more obviously at the next pta meeting so that a plan can be put in place for next time.

An email like that received after our fair would send me into such a fury I would be unlikely to be interested in ever having contact with you again.

You really should have spoken to her in person rather than messaging. As we all know, what you put in an email or message has no "tone of voice" and can come across in a totally different way.

Also in your situation I would have been tempted to say nothing, but when planning starts for next year's event raise it then and allow a general discussion about whether there could be a better system.

Do not under any circumstances email the chair.

Write up the notes on the stall with various suggestions for next year and submit them to the Xmas Fair coordinator if you must (here you could mention different wrapping paper), but do nothing beyond this. The choking hazard makes you sound hysterical, sorry.

As chair of the pta I can tell you unequivocally that YABU.

Oh dear God, Bling really? You can tell her that she's being unreasonable because you are currently chair of a PTA? Have you any idea how ludicrous that sounds?

I was chair of our PTA for 6 years until this July and wouldn't have dreamt of suggesting that because I was chair, my word was all that was needed. I was always fine about people giving me feedback, I think it's important that parents feel their PTA are an approachable bunch. You sound a little intense with your fury etc.

It's not at all about the Chair being all-important. It's about dealing directly with people to work through issues rather than going through side-channels.

Curry - as a former PTA chair I'd agree. Every school has a percentage of parents who are batshit crazy and OP doesn't want to be "that parent". During my time as chair we had a parent try to argue that an event being "strictly over 18s only" due to licensing laws couldn't possibly apply to her toddler, another who sent a very lengthy email about the risks of having ponies who could potentially shit on the school playground and asking for a detailed cleaning and hygiene policy, and one who kicked up an almighty fuss about the CHristmas cards message of Seasons Greetings - chosen to be inclusive - as she thought Merry Christmas should have been on the cards instead.

Goes without saying that none of those three parents ever, ever attended a PTA meeting or volunteered to help out at a single event.

My ds was given girl's gift instead of boys on one occasion...not a big deal imo.

The team will wan to know because they'll have a skewed idea of how many gifts for each age group to organise for next year. But I do think a constructive note to go in the evaluation would have been more appropriate, and probably better received.
And I agree with a PP, this is why we do selection boxes for all children.

I've had a message back from the chair. All seems ok and we're going to look at ways to avoid this happening again. I've suggested a couple of ideas based on things people have mentioned in this thread.

Thanks, all.

Doesn't seem out of order to me - the OP, as mentioned in the OP, helped with the organising of the fair - so she is a member of the PTA herself.
We have a informal debrief session after a big event - issues are raised, discussed and hopefully sorted for future events. I see OP's e-mail as part of the debrief.
As others have said - much easier to have the same gift for all the children.

Glad it was received ok, OP.
If the PTA are going to the hassle of buying separate age appropriate toys then I'm sure the PTA would want them to be given out appropriately.

I'm on the committee of our community centre so rather similar to the PTA (except it's a more varied cross section of the community as volunteers) and we actively ask all volunteers at the Christmas fair to email any issues, problems, things that went well and things that weren't so good straight after the event so that we can put them in the file now and look them out when we start organising next years event.
We take the approach that if we don't know about issues then how can we address them. We might not always do something about them but at least we can discuss it as we know about it.
There are some who take offence but we try to repeat that these events aren't going to please everybody but we try our best and everybody's efforts and comments are appreciated. This tends to me that people keep volunteering and attending rather then feel that they aren't welcome.

FYI We don't buy different age presents for the grotto so there can't be a mix up

Just buy generic gifts like selection boxes then no angst.

After all the hard work organising the fair an email whining about something is just going to get their backs up and not needed. Just don't buy toys for the grotto that aren't safe for small children.

I wasn’t suggesting my word is all that’s needed. My point is hat as chair I would have found an email on the day extremely annoying and upsetting. Either deal with it on the spot or provide feedback during usual activities. We always do feedback on our events and ask parents to get in touch or attend the next pta event to provide direct feedback. It’s not the feedback that’s he problem , it’s the suggestion that the chair can do anything about it at the end. Her timing sucked.

Also, our committee are all fine with feedback because we think we et better events using lots of heads. However, I really do think it’s a little mean to do it on the day. Do it at the event while something can be done or wait a little. Those fairs are exhausting and I think everyone just needs a few hours to sit back and have a glass of wine feeling happy they’ve raised some money.