To ask you to settle our squabble please?

[bitofwhatyoufancy]

Hi! So we can't agree and have decided to ask the people on mumsnet to help us out.

Two parents not a couple but good friends and co parents.

Five year old ds has a hobby exam next weekend. The problem is it clashes with his close friend's birthday party.

Parent A: he needs to learn about responsibility and commitment and letting him duck out sends a poor message so we choose the exam.

Parent B: he's five and it's not as if the exam will affect his career, let him have fun at the party.

Which would you choose?

We promise to abide by majority opinion.
Thanks!

Ask him without telling any financial implications. Party I reckon. Unless he can do both. He’s 5. Maintaining friendships important!

He’s 5. Party definitely. They’re all about their best friends at that age.

Depends on the hobby and when the next round of exams are.

Party. If it were a choice between 2 parties, I'd say he has to go to the one he's already accepted, because people matter. But the exam board won't miss him. His best friend will. And he's FIVE.

Party

Party. Exam can be rescheduled. He's 5! This is nothing to do with commitment - no lesson to learn here.

Exam. There will be other parties.

Exams for five year olds? How ridiculous.

Definitely the party.

I'd do what ever the 5 year old wants, so, party!

On the minimal info I'd say let him go to the party but my answer really depends on a lot of factors:

1. Does your DS get a lot of party invites? If he does then missing one is not an issue, but if he rarely gets invited to parties then I'd definitely say go.

2. Is the birthday boy his BFF in the world or just a close friend in a large group? If it's the former I'd definitely go to the party but the latter I'd be more inclined to try and do the exam.

3. Has the exam been paid for either in full or deposit? If it was in any way paid for and you can't afford to lose the money because it is non-refundable then definitely do the exam, but if it's refundable and/or an amount you can afford to lose, then I'd go to the party.

4. Is the exam easily rescheduled? If it's in-house or overseen by a local examiner who can come back in the next few weeks then I'd say reschedule. If it is an external exam for an award/professional body for the "hobby" and the exams are offered on a set schedule and the next round of exams aren't for months then I'd say do the exam.

5. How will not doing the exam affect him doing the hobby? For some hobbies it won't change anything other than what he is working towards in the sessions but for other activities having not done the exam will mean he won't be able to progress to the next stage and so may be in different sessions to his friends as he doesn't have the required level to move up.

6. Which parent will DS be with on that weekend and which one pays for the activity? I have 50/50 custody with DD's dad and if I wanted her to go to a dance exam and he wanted her to go to a party, whichever parent had DD that weekend would generally get the final say as they would be the one facilitating the activity ... but, for example, if it was DD's week with her dad and she had the choice of a party for her friend or a dance exam I had paid a non-refundable fee for I'd expect him to either take DD to the exam or reimburse me the money I had paid out as his choice not to take DD has cost me money.

Exam. Mine would have chosen a party over their karate grading but then would have spent the next 6 months upset because their friends have got new belts and they don't. Even at 5 instant gratification doesn't pay off.

Paaaaaarrrrtyyyyyy

Is there no way that he can do both even if it means turning up to the party a little later/leaving early?

What he wants to do. Responsibility is important - but so are close friends.

'Depends how important the exam is' Give your heads a wobble folks . HES 5 ! THERE ARE NO IMPORTANT EXAMS AT 5. !!!!

Exam most likely cannot be rescheduled!! If it's something like a dance exam, timetables are sent to the exam board 4-6 weeks before hand, adjustments to this incur financial penalties. No refund of exam fee from the exam board for not turning up. Most exams of this nature are taken in sets of multiple children (3 or 4) and it may not be convenient to teacher / the rest of the exam group / other students in other groups who have their exam time moved to accommodate the empty slot. This is because the examiners travel some distance to get to the exams (costs have to be covered) and even if your younger child's exam isn't an important one, there could be older children taking part in the same exam day whose exams are equivalent to GCSE's / A-Level in terms of UCAS points, therefore the entire exam day must be run with military precision.

YABU as it is completely your fault. You would have received the exam date before paying the exam fee, and if there was a clash of date you should have informed your child's teacher that they could only do their exam if it was before X time of day, or after Y time of day. The teacher is not a mind reader and presumably was not informed that your child had a party to go to, and by paying the exam fee you are committing to attend the exam on that date, at whatever time you are given, unless you notified the teacher before hand.

Either take the financial hit and go to the party (forfeiting the exam fee) but let the teacher know ASAP in case it affects anyone else in the group i.e. if there is partner work, or miss the party.
Don't expect the teacher to provide a refund out of their own pocket for your mistake if you choose not to do the exam- if the exam board are willing to refund you part or all of the fee, that is all well and good, but please don't expect the teacher to make up any shortfall if not.

To those saying there are no important exams at 5, this is all well and good as in, no an age 5 exam is not going to get them into University or a Conservatoire. However, this is a hobby that the parent pays for every week. The work presented in the exam is no doubt something that the little boy has been working on for many months in those lessons (that have been paid for) and after all that work it seems like a waste not to achieve the final goal of passing that graded level. Will it affect your little boy's chance to move up to the next class/grade level if he doesn't take his exam? How would he feel when his class mates at his hobby are all presented with their exam certificate and (possibly?) medal in a few weeks time? Especially knowing that he has worked as hard towards his exam as the rest of them. I don't know if it is the done thing in other parts of the country, but where I live primary school children are encouraged to bring in their extracurricular achievements to be presented in school assemblies (all the local primary and junior schools seem to do this) so if this is the case, will he feel left out?

Is it possible to miss the party, and you take your son and his friend out on a different day for a little treat?

Hi, sorry I have just re read the original post again OP, I would say that Parent A is right and Parent B is BU

Brilliant responses, thanks!

So to clarify, it's a dance exam. Happens yearly and is included in the class fees so we don't pay separately.

If he doesn't do it I don't think he'll be massively affected but he did do it last year and got a certificate and a little cup which he liked.

The friend is somebody who he would consider a "best friend" they used to be our next door neighbours but have moved away and we don't see them much now.

Parent A pays for the classes but parent B (me) will be with him that day.

Will it effect his progress in class or would he simply move onto the next level without needing to?

I disagree with level of importance in that these things can be - seeing classmates moving up a level and/or receiving certificates and cups can be heartbreaking for a 5 year old and can put them off

No, the classes don't work like that. They are based on school years so he does one set of classes now until age 7 then moves up to 7-9's.
Don't know what they'd do if they had a mega talented child who outgrew their class but as far as I know, exam results make no difference.

In that case, I think that the decision should come down to whichever parent pays the bill for the dance tuition

I think with the further info you should take DS to the exam.

If exams are only yearly he doesn't have a chance to re-do these exams until next year or even miss this one completely while all his friends and classmates have their awards and trophies.

Also, since Parent A pays for the classes and wants him to take the exam, I think you either need to take DS to the exam or reimburse Parent A for the exam fees they are losing - they may not have paid separately but if they've been paying a little bit extra in term fees all year to cover the exam cost then they should get that back from you.

Are they your next door neighbours as well (and not parent A)

I suspect that is the root of it. A likes and pays for dance B has a party with friends for both

Defo the party!

As you will be with him all day you definitely get to choose, so just take him to the party.

In that case party! Just make sure he knows he won't get a certificate & you can't always choose!

Enjoy