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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed partner is not invited to wedding

80 replies

HonestTeacher · 25/11/2017 20:01

I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years and we live together. My friend who is getting married has informed me that only I am invited to the wedding.

I know that she has never really liked him that much, not because he has done anything annoying, they just don't click/have anything in common.

Part of me thinks 'well it is her day so she can do what she wants'. The other part of me is quite hurt. I know his feelings are hurt too. I would never think of not inviting her partner to our wedding the year after (although I sort of don't want to invite him now).

Has this ever happened to you and how did you feel?

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 25/11/2017 21:29

It really, really depends on numbers and how she has dealt with other people. If someone is having a small wedding and wants to invite the people they know whose partners they have never met then it's pretty reasonable (would you really want all your work department's partners there if that meant you couldn't have your cousins and their kids, for instance?) Quite a lot of people have social groups where they know group members but not group members' partners, after all.

I appreciate that this friend has met your partner, and dislikes him, but it still might be the case that she's simply not doing +1s for anyone but immediate family: find out before you get cross.

AnnabellaH · 25/11/2017 21:30

"not because he has done anything annoying, they just don't click/have anything in common."

He has come on to her in the past. Sorry

donquixotedelamancha · 25/11/2017 21:33

"He has come on to her in the past. Sorry"

Yes, of course. That is the only reasonable explanation. OP should immediately LTB.

On an entirely unrelated note: I wonder what proportion of people only post on AIBU to shit-stir and make others feel bad?

spankhurst · 25/11/2017 21:36

We did this as we had a really tiny wedding. Also, one of my friend's partners was a raging alcoholic and had form for highly inappropriate behaviour in public. It was easier to just invite my friends with no partners. No-one minded. But pointedly not inviting one person is a bit crap.

LagunaBubbles · 25/11/2017 21:36

Of course it's rude, it's a wedding not just a party. A wedding - the ultimate celebration of love and couples. But you will get folk saying couples shouldn't be joined at the hip and they don't need their partner to have a good time. Which is true....but why wouldn't you want your partner there eh, me and DH work hard and when we get a chance of course we want to spend the time together, especially at a wedding!

CountessofGrantham · 25/11/2017 21:38

Very bad form. It’s one thing to decide you’ll go to an event on your own, another entirely to have your partner of 10 years not invited. I wouldn’t go, wouldn’t make a fuss but would just politely decline.

cathyclown · 25/11/2017 21:39

Surely the B+G would have explained why your partner is not invited, due to numbers or whatever reason, and that applies to everyone else too of course as part of their explanation!

Since no explanation was provided, I would have a prior engagement/holiday, so sorry can't make it, enclose present, and say no more.

Not worth stressing over it. Forget about he said/she said/ don't like him etc. If she likes and respects you, your partner of 10 years should be there also.

I would have to be somewhere else in a flash if that happened to me.

Unless there is some HUGE backstory to this.

Escapepeas · 25/11/2017 21:42

I had a similar thing where DH but not me was invited to the wedding of someone who I thought was a mutual friend.

I was offended and upset. The official line was that it was cost reasons but in retrospect, I think the groom had a bit of a problem with me (we all used to work together). DH went with my blessing because he’d known groom and family for a long time so I wanted him to go. He did tell me afterwards that the groom had sheepishly sort of apologised for excluding me as it had been fairly obvious that DH was alone in a sea of couples!

Original poster

HonestTeacher · 25/11/2017 21:48

Love the comment saying he isn't invited because he tried it on with the bride haha

OP posts:

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/11/2017 21:50

Just to clear something up - I seriously doubt that you would be the one ruining the friendship over a wedding invite. I think the b2b has successfully managed that all by herself by not inviting your partner of 10 years to her wedding. It's not as though she is going to be sitting chatting to them all day and all night. That's down to the people at the table that your sitting at.
I would have to decline the invite if I were in your shoes. It's not as though your partner has just arrived on the scene. You've been together for 10 years. Some marriages don't last that long so I'd be of the opinion that for invite purposes you invite both or you run the risk of neither showing up!

Good luck with whatever your decision will be on this.

BewareOfDragons · 25/11/2017 21:52

If the other husbands and partners in your circle are invited, I would decline the invite and I wouldn't look at my friend in the same way any more.

diddl · 25/11/2017 21:55

It doesn't really matter if she doesn't like him imo as it's not an intimate dinner for 3/4!

I had people I'd hardly met & people I hadn't met at mine.

whiteroseredrose · 25/11/2017 21:56

Agree with whatchamacallit. Unless it's girls only there's no excuse for excluding your DP.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/11/2017 21:56

I have 5 close friends from school. We see each others partners intermittently but we socialize as women. When I got married the female friends were invited to the wedding breakfast bit no partners. Numbers and money. Partners could come n the evening if they wanted. Some of the friends have partners and some don't so i was also aware of changing dynamics if some were there alone and some not too.

Talk to the other friends in the group and see whether or not it is personal

diddl · 25/11/2017 21:57

If a certain "circle" are invited without partners, why not just say so?

If she's a friend that's easy enough to do, isn't it?

Piewraith · 25/11/2017 22:07

I think the important question is whether your friends partners have been invited. If not, then I wouldn't mind. If some have been, I think it's rude. Particularly if it's the husbands that have been invited while the live in partners of years haven't been.

BackforGood · 25/11/2017 22:56

I can't say it bothers me. Indeed, I'm going to 2 weddings in the coming months which dh hasn't been invited to. I wouldn't particularly expect him to be invited, as he doesn't have a relationship with the couples getting married. I don't have an issue with it, and nor does dh.

Tinselistacky · 25/11/2017 23:01

So in reality she is announcing on her big day that she doesn't like your dp?
(oops also wondered if he had made a passage at her )
Sorry but I wouldn't go either.
D&v maybe?

brasty · 25/11/2017 23:19

There are only 3 options:

your friend is being weird
numbers are limited so when someone is her friend clearly, she is not inviting partners and you are not the only one affected
she thinks there is a real issue with your DP and that his presence will spoil her wedding

None of us can know which it is.

ElephantsandTigers · 26/11/2017 12:22

I'd bet my house that the OPs partner HAS NOT made a pass at the bride .

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/11/2017 12:40

If other - even just some - other partners not invited then fine.

If all other partners invited I wouldn't go.

Yes you don't want to fall out with her, but she's thrown down the gauntlet first with a statement if he's the only one not invited.

Things are going to be strained anyway in the future because of her lack of invitation. Your dp isn't going to be keen on socialising with them I shouldn't imagine.

BadLad · 26/11/2017 12:42

He has come on to her in the past. Sorry

Well, that's cleared that up. I'll build the gallows to hang him - we've got all the evidence we need.

TheNaze73 · 26/11/2017 12:44

Think you need to accept her reasonings & make a decision. Friends are equalling if not more so than partners & I wouldn’t jeopardise a friendship over one day

Tinselistacky · 26/11/2017 13:11

Maybe she made a pass at him??

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/11/2017 13:11

It’s a bit odd that you’ve got two friends who don’t seem to like him - it seems mean to mention it to you, almost, surely they’d both just try and get along with him?

That’s all I’d be worried about here. I’d second talking to her about whether he can be accommodated and taking it from there.

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