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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed partner is not invited to wedding

80 replies

HonestTeacher · 25/11/2017 20:01

I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years and we live together. My friend who is getting married has informed me that only I am invited to the wedding.

I know that she has never really liked him that much, not because he has done anything annoying, they just don't click/have anything in common.

Part of me thinks 'well it is her day so she can do what she wants'. The other part of me is quite hurt. I know his feelings are hurt too. I would never think of not inviting her partner to our wedding the year after (although I sort of don't want to invite him now).

Has this ever happened to you and how did you feel?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/11/2017 20:37

hidinginthenightgarden I think what you did was pretty rude to be honest. Not inviting somebody's partner because you felt that friend needed to 'babysit' another is very controlling.

It sounds as if the couple regretted attending every bit as much as you regretted inviting him and I bet you're not friends now.

underneaththeash · 25/11/2017 20:39

I think that's really odd...I could maybe understand it if he was a new boyfriend (we had a random +1 for our wedding party who even the person who invited him can't remember his name!)but a long-term partner who you live with its very odd for her not to invite him. Assuming he's not abusive.

I would actually decline, with no reason. But, if you'd still like your fried to come to your wedding, I would still invite Bothe her and her DH. You can be the bigger person.

LondonGirl83 · 25/11/2017 20:39

Unless it's a very small wedding and others haven't received a plus one I would find it very rude and wouldn't attend.

ElephantsandTigers · 25/11/2017 20:40

My initial thought was why would she invite someone she doesn't like or know well but then I thought, it's not like you and her will get to spend a huge amount of time together so she shouldn't have invited him for your sake so you had company at all times.

Since you are hurt she hasn't invited your partner it's rather petty to say you won't invite her dh in return. You're hurt and you'll hurt her.

crisscrosscranky · 25/11/2017 20:43

I think it's rude if she knows him. The only weddings I've been invited to alone are colleagues' evening dos.

Why doesn't she like him? I don't 'gel' with some of DH's friends' wives but I'd never have not invited them to our wedding as a couple. I'd be concerned about the reason she dislikes him this much.

honeyroar · 25/11/2017 20:44

I think it's bad manners to do this. If you can't afford live in partners/husbands to attend (I don't include general plus ones in this) you need a cheaper/larger venue. Otherwise you are hurting/making things awkward for someone you profess to like in the name of "your perfect day". Hurting friends does not feature in my kind of "perfect wedding". I once had this done to me, I didn't go and the friend never spoke to me ever again, despite me continuing to send Xmas cards etc. I swore I would never let myself treat a friend like that.

eggsandwich · 25/11/2017 20:44

I would say was it an oversight that my partner wasn’t invited? or did you generally not want him there?

Then if the answer was I don’t want him there, then I would say unfortunately I’m also unable to attend.

I totally understand if you don’t like someone and don’t want them at your wedding, but if it’s a good friend’s partner then you need to discuss it before the invites go out.

helen3000 · 25/11/2017 20:46

If all other partners of her friends are included, then I would politely decline. If she asks why, I would be honest and say you think it's unfair on your partner.

Ragwort · 25/11/2017 20:48

Personally it really wouldn't bother me at all, I actually prefer socialising without DH - I find it you go somewhere as a couple you often end up just sitting next to each other & talking to each other - we do that at home every night Grin. Also we have completely separate friendship groups and both of us are honest enough to admit we really don't get on that well with each others' friends - despite being married for 30 years !

But I appreciate I am probably in the minority Grin.

sleeponeday · 25/11/2017 20:49

I was going to say to wait, in case this is just a costs issue and nobody is getting a plus one unless both of a couple are her/her partner's friends, or the guest is close family, but I see you've already decided to do that. If that isn't the case, and he's been singled out, then maybe you need to have an honest conversation with her on exactly why she has such a significant issue with him that she doesn't want him at her wedding, even though she'd barely see him? It's quite an extreme step. For that reason, my money would be on it being a numbers thing, and no more.

ElephantsandTigers · 25/11/2017 20:52

Sigh. should have

venellopevonschweetz · 25/11/2017 20:55

I think it depends.....

You say she's in your close circle of friends, if no DPs are invited and she's made it "the girls" only then I think that's ok and YABU

But, if other DPs are invited then she's an inconsiderate dick and you should decline the invite. Apart from anything else, why would you want to be the Singleton among all the couples????

FluffyNinja · 25/11/2017 20:59

I'd happily decline the invite. It's only a friend's wedding, not family, so I'd be willing to lose them as friends in that situation.

Original poster
HonestTeacher · 25/11/2017 20:59

Thanks for all the replies. I could understand if they'd had an argument or something, but nothing of the sort. He has given her lifts homes after many nights out but they have absolutely nothing in common. Another friend told me she doesn't like him because she finds talking to him too awkward Hmm

It just makes me feel really sad. I'll just have to wait and see if it is indeed a numbers things and not personal and I'll take it from there.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 25/11/2017 21:06

I agree with a lot of other posters. If he's been singled out then that yes, I'd be very upset and probably not go (and we socialise a lot on our own).

If not and other partners werent invited then I'd assume it was budget related and go and wish them well.

SureJan · 25/11/2017 21:06

If it's personal & there's really no genuine reason for her not liking him, & it's not a numbers/cost thing, & all other friends' partners are invited, then I think she's being really mean & isn't much of a friend.

iamyourequal · 25/11/2017 21:07

honeyroar

I think it's bad manners to do this. If you can't afford live in partners/husbands to attend (I don't include general plus ones in this) you need a cheaper/larger venue. Otherwise you are hurting/making things awkward for someone you profess to like in the name of "your perfect day"

I secons this post 100%.

Charolais · 25/11/2017 21:07

I would inform her that me and my man have other plans for that day.

Flouncer1 · 25/11/2017 21:12

If there really is no good reason why she didn't invite your oh you should choose not to go. She's issued an invite, which she's well aware is going to insult you. She's the one prepared to jeopardise your friendship by not inviting your long term partner. Refuse the invite and try and carry on as before but I don't see how you'll ever be able to look at her in the same light. But as I said she started the ball rolling and don't be afraid to point this out if she hour antsy.

brasty · 25/11/2017 21:13

Does your friend meet your partner much?

brasty · 25/11/2017 21:20

Yes agree if other DPs have been invited, then it is very strange.

Unless your DP is really a nightmare who she fears will ruin her wedding.

MinervaSaidThar · 25/11/2017 21:23

Too awkward to talk to but more than happy to use him for lifts home Hmm

I wouldn't go if he's been singled out, but if you do, I wouldn't invite her partner to your wedding. Yes, it's petty but fair.

brasty · 25/11/2017 21:24

It depends though. If a friend had a DP for example who when they got drunk, were rowdy and liable to cause fights, I wouldn't invite them either.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 25/11/2017 21:25

I would rsvp and say I will NOT be attending.

If she bothers to ask why, tell her straight. She seems a pretty crap friend.

orangewasp · 25/11/2017 21:25

I also totally agree with honeyroar's post

It's just rude and inconsiderate.

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