Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men today?

61 replies

gillybeanz · 25/11/2017 15:52

Is it just on here or are men just not very good these days.

The amount who are selfish, lacking empathy, bullies, abusive, and so many more negative characteristics, noted on here.

In comparison to men when we were young 26 years ago, they are almost neanderthal now. We seem to be going backwards.
Do they just spring the cuntyness on women or do women not see the signs soon enough?

I'm sure my dh isn't the best in the world, he has his problems but I just don't see any of the cuntyness that is so often talked about on here.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/11/2017 15:54

Not all men. They're not all the same.
Some men are arseholes. It wasn't any different many years ago. Just people didn't write about it on MN. What went on behind closed doors often stayed behind those doors.

ilovesooty · 25/11/2017 15:55

26 years ago people didn't have the same facility to broadcast their partners ' shortcomings.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 25/11/2017 15:55

I suppose people who have a kind and loving male partner don't post online seeking advice about him? What I mean is you'll see disproportionately more horrible men being talked about here.

user1471517900 · 25/11/2017 15:55

Bold argument to suggest men during the 70s and 80s were particularly wonderful.....

Funnily enough there's probably not too many threads starting "My DH was perfectly normal today. AIBU?" So there's a bit of bias if you base it on threads here

Moanyoldcow · 25/11/2017 16:02

It's just because you only hear the bad stories on here (I hope!) - who's going to post 'my DH is awesome and I'm super happy every day - anyone else?'

I don't post much about my DH because he's great and, to be fair, I think the vast majority of my female friends would say the same amount their partners.

MirriVan · 25/11/2017 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhooooAmI24601 · 25/11/2017 16:08

I think if women posted on here "Isn't my DH incredible" with a list of each day's achievements they'd be accused of being smug bellends, so if you're basing it on MN then YABU because the cross-section isn't unbiased.

However. There's a definite proportion of posts on here that shock me. I don't think I've led a sheltered life but some of the things going on terrify me because I would hate for my sons to grow up to be such revolting creatures.

SilverySurfer · 25/11/2017 16:31

You would think so, reading the threads on here but as a PP said, there was no MN or similar 20 or 30 years ago.

However, when talking about useless, lazy men on here, the default thing is to say something like 'have we gone back to the 1950s' but I was a child of the late 1940s/50s and although my Dad worked six days a week, he always washed up after dinner every night and did his share of the housework every Sunday.

So I don't know if it's a recent thing or not. I suspect there have always been good and bad but there is more opportunity to moan about the bad these days.

PinkHeart5914 · 25/11/2017 16:37

Men are like women some are arseholes and some are not! I’ve had more problems in my life caused by women than men right from when I was at school boys were nice to me, I suffered badly with bulling from girls.

The men in my life my dh, dad and brothers etc are nothing like the men I read about on here, I also think some of the women on here do enable the dp/Dh far too much tbh

Thing is not many people start a thread saying no wonderful their realtionship is, becuase then the cats bum face people would come along with oh what a stealth boast, have a biscuit .

ilovesooty · 25/11/2017 16:43

Mirri that's really sad.

I know a lot of decent men including the great bunch I work with and I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

pinkdelight · 25/11/2017 16:49

Bizarre to think it's specific to now. If anything younger generations of men tend to be more enlightened on gender issues, at least to the extent that role models are less neanderthal and it's more acceptable to be less macho etc. Surely this feeling you have is just a version of the world going to hell in a handcart thing that lots of people get as they get older, things were better in my day etc etc. Based on combo of nostalgia for past and fear of the future. So yeah, yabu.

Original poster
gillybeanz · 25/11/2017 16:55

Silvery.

A very good point, we had no Mnet 26 years ago, but I do notice a difference.
I know it's a massive generalisation and there are both good and bad women as well as men.
It may just be my experience too, but I am shocked with some of the things posted about men on here.
I also get that nobody is going to post about their thoughtful caring perfect dh.
I'm not sure it's rose tinted specs from years gone by though, or nostalgia or fear.

OP posts:
Tobythecat · 25/11/2017 17:07

I think men have more primal brains than women, I really do think they are in some way less evolved. I am 27 and I have only met one kind, genuine, lovely guy. Unfortunately he's married. I'm not a huge fan of men, I have never met a decent one except for the guy I mentioned above.

One of the many reasons (besides being autistic) that I didn't want children, is because I didn't want a son. I knew that even if I did my best, raised them right, taught them to be kind, they could still go on to be abusive to women.

I fully expect to never have a relationship, it would take a really decent guy to change that. I'd rather be alone.

Just recently I was sitting at the bus stop, and a group of college lads shouted something at me out of their car, they thought it was hilarious to intimidate a lone woman in the safety of a car.

SilverySurfer · 25/11/2017 18:48

What confounds me is when I read the latest thread on here (there have been hundreds, if not thousands) where the woman has done all the housework since the beginning of the relationship, often she also works, then goes on to have one or multiple DC, still doing all the housework but now also doing all the parenting and then suddenly becomes pissed off that her OH does absolutely nothing and asks how she can get him to 'help' her. It's too little, too late.

She has been his enabler for years including through the birth of DC. She wonders if making a list of all the jobs she does and asking him to take on some will work - the answer is probably not. I have yet to read a single thread where the man suddenly transforms into a fully functioning adult who takes responsibility for his share of the work.

The time to sort this out is at the moving in together stage. But they are probably so loved up that sharing responsibility for maintaining the home is at the bottom of the to do list. Huge mistake. Don't do it all from the start, don't be an enabler, it's too late 15 years down the line.

I mentioned my Dad in my first post - he was my benchmark against which I decided to measure the men in my life. He was loving, kind, gentle, funny, helpful, generous - and I had a huge shock with my first serious relationships when they all fell a long way short. Even after lowering my expectations somewhat I decided that being with no man was better than being with someone who had no positive attributes.

Lots of women appear not to be able to survive without a man in their lives no matter how rotten and useless he may be, which I think is terribly sad. Is living alone really worse than living with a neanderthal? If so I don't get it.

WitchesHatRim · 25/11/2017 18:51

It may just be my experience too, but I am shocked with some of the things posted about men on here.

It has always happened. There just wasn't a forum to discuss it then.

I think you are wearing rose tinted glasses a bit.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 25/11/2017 18:54

Is it just on here or are women just not very good these days.

The amount who are selfish, lacking empathy, bullies, abusive, and so many more negative characteristics, noted on here.

In comparison to women when we were young 26 years ago, they are almost neanderthal now. We seem to be going backwards.
Do they just spring the cuntyness on men or do men not see the signs soon enough?

I'm sure my dw isn't the best in the world, she has her problems but I just don't see any of the cuntyness that is so often talked about on here.

WorraLiberty · 25/11/2017 18:57

People really only post when they have a problem, so that skews it a bit.

It's the same with MILs and SILs. If you look at it that way, there are a disproportionately high number of awful ones.

Plus, we only ever get one side of the story on here.

TheStoic · 25/11/2017 18:58

Oh, poor spiteful. If only you had a safe space somewhere to talk about how awful women are. :-(

Original poster
gillybeanz · 25/11/2017 21:56

I look at my sons and their peers and generally get the impression they aren't like those discussed on here, I'm not suggesting they are perfect, but just not the arseholes, we hear about.
I do know that people will only post about the bad as it's rare somebody would need support if they had a good partner.
I suppose my shock/sadness is the amount and the behaviour rather than them being less than perfect.
If IABU I suppose that's good then and I can maybe restore my faith. Grin

OP posts:
Toadinthehole · 26/11/2017 02:05

Tobythecat

If your post really is genuine then I suggest that the average man can tell that you strongly dislike and look down on him and will treat you accordingly. I presume (and hope for your sake) that you keep your opinions to yourself, but given how strongly you hold them I suspect that they're pretty obvious to those around you.

Toadinthehole · 26/11/2017 02:08

gillybeanz

I agree with what others have said above and would add:

  • some of what's said on AIBU/Relationships is embellished
  • some of it is deliberate lies
  • some of it is trolling
  • some of it is honestly mistaken
  • and all of it is only one person's side of the story, and as that person will almost always be a woman complaining about a man, it will create a lopsided view of things
Rainbunny · 26/11/2017 02:22

It's hard to say without more context but I do think that people in general seem to have a prolonged adolescence these days than in previous generations. Anecdotally I see more people acting in more selfish, irresponsible ways now than I recall as a teenager. It might be cultural also. Several years ago I went back to university to study law and became a lawyer. I was shocked at the outrageous levels of entitlement and generally self-satisfied, juvenile behaviour of the male law students I encountered. I was only about five years older than them but the behaviour of my fellow male law students was eye opening. So much less mature, more brattish and self regarding was my assessment.

toffee1000 · 26/11/2017 02:54

I don’t think spiteful is really moaning about women. They’re just replacing the word “man” in the OP with the word “woman”, the point being that it is not just men who behave like this, women can too. Mumsnet is predominately used by women. Relationships is full of threads asking for advice on what to do in a shit situation, because you can get more of a discussion out of it and others in similar situations can get advice. If someone just posted “My DH is wonderful he does 50% of the housework and always puts the kids to bed” there wouldn’t be much of a thread. Even with the threads titled “what makes a good DH?” there are never many replies and what replies there are are very same-y.
I too have spent a while reading Relationships and it can make for depressing reading and make you feel like men are all twats. You have to take a step back and realise that not all men are twats. Even if all the men you know IRL are, that’s not all men. Plenty have said that their DHs and those of their friends are decent people.

Toadinthehole · 26/11/2017 03:14

Rainbunny

I suggest that you notice immature behaviour more now simply because you are also older now, even if only by 5 years.

While there may be some truth in the theory that people take longer to grow up now, the statistical evidence is that young people now are less likely to take drugs, get drunk, be promiscuous and commit crimes than their parents.

MissTeri · 26/11/2017 03:40

Too many excuses for people not to be held accountable for their behaviour these days (both men and women). Years ago a man wouldn't have dreamt of abandoning his family and leaving them without a penny, society would have massively frowned upon that in a way that they just don't today. Somewhere along the way the single female parent has been cast as the villain, I say female because single male parents are lauded as saints!

There were no excuses for bad behaviour years ago - these days it's because people had a bad childhood or some other suffering that means it's not their fault. It justifies their behaviour to a point they feel they can continue it.

Children were, rightly or wrongly, caned, sent to borstals, there was conscription (which likely taught a lot of life skills as well as discipline).

Also you could be sacked for being a twat, now you have to give verbal warning, written warning ...

You could be thrown out for not paying rent - now it's a lengthy court process.

You had to work or you didn't eat. Couldn't phone the boss, throw a sicky because you have a hangover and still expect a job the next day.

In a way it's good that people have more 'rights' or laws to protect them, in some ways society has changed for the better ... but unfortunately it's also bred a whole lot of arseholes who now think they can be lazy pigs and can behave whatever way they like because society won't judge them and laws will protect their jobs, benefits will pay their rent ...