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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

hubby ruined dds birthday present surprise!

88 replies

Lisajane2810 · 25/11/2017 15:32

its my daughters 14th in a couple of weeks and she wants the obligatory ipad for her birthday. i managed to get one and it was delivered yesterday and hubby took the box as i was at work. he the left to go to an appointment and left it there until daughter got home from school. it had a label on the box on several places saying rose gold ipad so she now knows exactly what she is getting. i know shes not a baby but we had the excitement going as to whether she would get it as money not great at the moment so cant get her anything else. he got back from hospital around midday so had plenty of tme to hide it. he is actually shouting at me because im upset with him. dd going out to sleepover tonight and im furious!!! am i overreacting??

OP posts:

nibora · 25/11/2017 17:51

You have my deepest sympathy OP.

I've got one just like him, and it drives me fucking mad.

Sweetpea55 · 25/11/2017 17:56

Men are stupid a times and dont think,

One christmas I spent a lot of time and money searching and buying gifts for stepdaughter who was 23,
She and boyfriend were travelling from the north east to ours and joining us at one of my DD's for a post christmas party.DH met them and was supposed to bring them straight to the party but for some unknown reason he decided to stop off at home so she could open her presents with ought me being there, It might seem a bit petty but after taking so much time over these gifts i was looking forward to seeing her reactions, DH couldn't understand my disappointment.
And later she admitted that she though tit didnt seem right that i wasnt there,,,...didnt stop her opening them though, Since then i just give her a cheque,

glitterlips1 · 25/11/2017 17:57

I blame the company for putting a sticker on the box!! We've had present that the children have seen before Christmas, it does feel disappointing but I still make them wait...adds to the build up and excitement if anything because they know they've got it but have to wait!

viques · 25/11/2017 18:05

If you still want her to have a surprise you could send the iPad back and get her hair straighteners and a Zoella Advent calendar instead!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/11/2017 18:07

My husband is a bit like this. I work around him. He's not thoughtless but he is absent minded and in his own world quite a lot so, if it's important, I'll sort out whatever it is myself.

He's not a manchild or any one of the myriad other insults that some posters here like to lob at anyone daft enough to confess to a partner being derelict in his duty. I'm not going to LTB either. We play to our strengths. I don't do 'wife work' whatever hellish term that is, I do what I'm best suited to do. He does what he's best equipped for and we muddle through the rest.

I don't have much time for the posters who revel in slamming men 'who do not perform' because a) it's none of their damned business, b) they get only a snapshot of an issue posted and c) if we felt that strongly about our partners we wouldn't have married them in the first place.

Finally, if you these posters think that they're empowering women by telling them so emphatically that they've 'made rods for their backs' or are 'handmaidens' or whatever the insult-de-jour is, they're wrong. They're just making women feel like shit... which, when you've just complained about a partner doing x, y, z and are having a rant about it, is kind of mean and says a lot more about you than it does the errant partner.

Seeingadistance · 25/11/2017 18:15

I thought you were going to say that he'd damaged it in some way, through being careless or thoughtless.

To be honest, I do think you're over-reacting, and although I don't think he should be shouting at you, I can see that he's going to be fed up with you going on about it. As a pp said, if it had been delivered a little later, when he was out, and it would have been your daughter who accepted the delivery.

TheStoic · 25/11/2017 18:29

They're just making women feel like shit... which, when you've just complained about a partner doing x, y, z and are having a rant about it, is kind of mean and says a lot more about you than it does the errant partner

Possibly not as shit as telling a woman she’s over-reacting. That’s very condescending and, let’s face it, is exactly what her husband is telling her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/11/2017 18:36

Maybe, Stoic, but that's not the impression I got from OP's posts. More that he was shouting because OP was angry at him. It can be irritating when your partner doesn't do something the way that would be logical or sensible, but it happens.

The posters who berate women who choose to stay married and not LTB though, what do they expect to happen? In reality, there is a choice which is either leave - or find a way to make it work. The number of LTB littering this site has become a bit of a joke really but in the absence of posters choosing to do that, they're being made to feel foolish. And that's not on.

It's just something that I've noticed quite a lot lately.

TheStoic · 25/11/2017 18:42

More that he was shouting because OP was angry at him

Yes probably, but he’s almost certainly telling her it’s no big deal and she needs to get over it.

That’s why she’s asking if she’s being unreasonable to be upset. He’s telling her she is, and now you are too.

I think it’s a very good thing that some posters can point out that they would be upset too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/11/2017 18:58

I'm not doing that Stoic, I think OP's overreacting to continue the anger because if I were the daughter I wouldn't feel comfortable living in that atmosphere. I have been the child in amongst warring parents.

There's a fine line between telling an OP that they would be upset too (which is supportive) and other posters (not the same ones) telling her that she's married a man child, that men are stupid, blah di blah. The latter group are often the ones that post repeatedly and chase the OP for an update when she's gone never to return.

sleeponeday · 25/11/2017 18:59

I do understand you wanted the surprise, but to be honest, it's probably something she's been hoping and hoping and hoping to get, so the confirmation will release her from that sort of nerviness? It's not all bad.

It is thoughtless, sure, but it's not exactly selfish, I don't think. Different people place value on different things. Christmas means precisely nothing to my husband, after a childhood of beige ones, whereas it means everything to me to create lovely childhood traditions and memories for my kids.

I'd be as upset as you, and as cross and frustrated. But as an outsider I can see that it's just a different perspective on this sort of thing.

sleeponeday · 25/11/2017 18:59

Sorry, crossposted. Didn't mean to step into that discussion. As you were!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/11/2017 19:04

sleeponeday, I think you're right about the different expectations people have and Christmas seems to heighten everything. OP has spent a lot of money on this present and maybe that's just added to the stress because she feels the surprise has been spoiled.

I think, when the DD get this present, she'll be delighted and all the angst will fall away.

sabbath84 · 25/11/2017 19:24

Women are nasty and say spiteful things at times maybe why he's shouting back ................eh sweatpea ???

Ignoring the above , I'm sorry your daughters surprise has been lost. A large part of the day can be that surprise.

Yanbu to be angry about it but I suspect you havnt accepted the apology ( I hope there was one) and moved on. But frankly I have no idea. Your daughter will still love her present and be grateful for all you've done to be able to afford it.

DorisDangleberry · 25/11/2017 19:26

Men are stupid a times and dont think

Whereas women are always incredibly smart and never make sweeping generalisations

sabbath84 · 25/11/2017 19:32

Amen doris !!

longtompot · 25/11/2017 23:10

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Ok, not disapointment on the ops Dd behalf, more for the op and not being able to see her dds face opening the present and not knowing just what it is. That excitement.

I've just remembered my ds really wanted a toy for Christmas when he was 6 or 7 and I managed to buy it on ebay. It arrived and I had it on the table and completely forgot it was there when he came home from school and he saw it. It took the surprise element out of it completely.

grannytomine · 26/11/2017 12:15

"Whereas women are always incredibly smart and never make sweeping generalisations"

That made me laugh and I choked on my coffee.

MyKingdomForBrie · 26/11/2017 12:23

I’d be so upset, part of the joy of buying presents is seeing the happiness on the kids faces when they realise what they have. He was an idiot.

sleeponeday · 26/11/2017 12:28

Doris

It is upsetting for the OP, absolutely. I just don't think it's a problem for her DD, which is, after all, probably the OP's main worry.

DJBaggySmalls · 26/11/2017 12:29

He gets to be thoughtless and he gets to shout at you when you react.
Stop trying to manage him, its a bad lesson for your DD. Let him own his mistakes.

Pearlsaringer · 26/11/2017 12:46

She will be thrilled she is getting what she asked for, very unlikely she will care about it being a surprise so just let her enjoy it. She’s still got to wait till her birthday. I bet she’ll be really nice to you for the next couple of weeks!

Cantspell2 · 26/11/2017 12:55

Massive over reaction on your part. He made a small mistake on a morning he was busy as he had a hospital appointment for a blood test.
To put it in perspective for you my husband went for a routine blood test in may. Came out with cancer and was dead 3 months later. Be fucking grateful that all you have to bitch about is your 14 year old daughter knowing she is getting what she asked for for her birthday. My sons won’t ever get another present from their dad.

Gemini69 · 26/11/2017 20:02

OP you are entitled to be pissed off... you wanted your DD's gift to be a surprise... this is not unreasonable.... so No OP.... I don't believe you overreacted atall

nibora · 26/11/2017 21:26

Cantspell2 that's upsetting in a vastly different way, and I'm sure you know that we all understand the difference. Condolences to you and your young one.

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