Really concerned about daughter - AIBU?

[statelypond]

My DD is 3. Obviously, all children are individuals but she seems really difficult compared to her siblings.

She has tantrums about tiny little things, mostly me carrying her. If I try to pick up her younger sibling or sing a "baby" song to her she demands I pick her up, sing a song to her, and she doesn't give in, at all. I've stood trying to make her walk for an hour while it rains around us and the baby cries.

She isn't toilet trained and I'm getting really worried about this as school approaches. I feel like it might be an attention thing.

She gets so angry so easily. I was recently trying to get her into a dress and I put it on, she took it off and hurled it across the room shouting "NO mummy" at me. Dh says I shouldn't let her speak to me like that. I try to model the sort of behaviour I want, so speaking calmly and quietly, leaving the room if she shouts at me, but sometimes it isn't always possible.

I'm not sure what I want. I'm just concerned that at this rate school is going to be an awful shock to her and that she'll get a bad reputation for being badly behaved (probably stupid, I know.)

“She gets so angry so easily. I was recently trying to get her into a dress and I put it on, she took it off and hurled it across the room shouting "NO mummy" at me. Dh says I shouldn't let her speak to me like that.”

Your DH needs to get a grip. What exactly does he propose you do to train her out of her insolence?

Have you got a baby as well as your DD? Could she be unhappy at sharing attention?

FWIW I was a bugger difficult to dress and I was probably quite an attention seeking child. My mum had my brother when I was four and I wasn't impressed. I've got over it!

What are you worried about in particular OP? Most of this sounds normal enough to me but it's hard to know just from that info. Don't worry about toilet training until she's ready.

I’d pick your battles so there’s stuff she gets choice about and stuff she doesn’t. So she can pick what she wears but if she kicks off while walking you just take her hand and along she comes bellowing if she will. This has worked somewhat with ds 3. I also give fake choices ie do you want to wear shoes or wellies? When I don’t care either way but he’s pleased with having had a choice.

If you argue with ds you can be there all day but if you carry on regardless he tends to 9/10 get with the program when there’s less to kick against.

How many children do you have OP?

Ds1 was a bit like this. Extremely difficult after ds2 came along and the dressing issues were epic. His speech was quite slow which I think made the tantrums worse.

Have you tried just going along with her? When she wants babying just do it and pretend you love it. Don’t comment on nappies for a while and give her a choice of outfits each day.

He was very clingy and was actually asked to leave playgroup due to the crying. Cried for more than a year when dropped at school nursery. So stressful.

And then he gradually got over it. Became eloquent and confident. Had a heap of nice friends and no particular issues over what to wear. He was completely over all this by about 6. He’s now much, much older and a successful professional. But if you’d asked me at age 2-3 I’d have been genuinely worried there was something wrong.

Go with the flow if you can and pick your battles. Best wishes, it’s exhausting.

She sounds pretty normal, (not easy, but normal). My 4 year old pretty much does all of these things. It will get better. Just need a fuckton of patience in the meantime.

Thanks, this is reassuring. She just seems so volatile, almost, but it's a relief to hear it's normal. Just worried that she might be the "problem child" in Reception!

Let her pick what she wants to wear each day (my daughter used to go out looking like a Fraggle some days, but it meant dressing her was a lot easier). If you are really embarrassed about what she wears (I wasn't - it takes a hell of a lot to embarrass me, I'm afraid) then get (say) 3 outfits out and let her choose one.

Praise her for being a "Big Girl" and being able to run about etc, not like a little baby. Tell her that one day she'll be a really big girls and wee and poo in her potty etc. When she does anything you are pleased with, give her a star and buy a small gift when she gets 10. Some people think this is bribery - I regard it as a reward and it also makes them aware of their behaviour and they learn self control.

How does she get on with your baby? It sounds as though she is worried that you will love the baby more than her. Does she get any 1-2-1 time with you? (Very hard, I know, but if your baby has a nap, try to spend some time playing with/reading to her rather than catching up with your housework.)

If your baby is a girl, your DD might feel replaced. If it is a boy she might feel that you and/or daddy like boys better. I know it's nonsense and that you will both love her to bits, but she is still very, very young and has a very black-and-white view of the world.

Babies take up a lot of time - it's what they do. It's very easy to make older siblings feel left out without meaning to at all. Also - She is at a stage of her life where she is developing her own ideas, views, likes and dislikes and is learning to exercise her popper" - for some children it is "the terrible twos" - others have "the terrible threes" - every healthy, normally-developing child goes through it in one form or another, some are harder work than others. (my son was easy - my DD was a nightmare!)

Give her space, time and patience. Try to get as much rest as you can - let your DH do some of the running about. Maybe your DH could take her to the park while you and the baby have a kip (or vice versa).

Just remember how young she is, and that she is still learning how to behave and cope with a younger sibling.

Normal. The trigger regarding singing a baby song etc kind of implies an element of jealousy, so I would baby her for a bit. Pick her up if she wants picking up, help her dress etc.

at 3yo some children are much harder than others. I can see either dc1 or dc2 doing that sort of things at that age tbh.

What worked for me was

• giving them as much independence as possible. So clothes were in drawers they could reached, filled with clothes apropriate for the weather. I just told them to get dressed so they choose what they wanted. No more fight about wear8ng this and not that.

Same with proposing lost of choices(always some that I was happy with!), such as do you want some honey or some jam in your toast? No dosussion about possible biscuits or whatever.

• taking turns and making VERY obvious. So singing meant ‘oh you want to sing xxx. Great! Let’s finish the song for an then we will sing xxxx.’ Same with toys. ‘Oh you want to play with xxx. Let’s swap with baby and see if she likes yyy instead’
• plenty of one to one time and basically making my life as easy as possible. Double pushchair if there is any risk of dc1to want to be carried etc.....
• making things that dc1could do be a big deal. ‘Look at What you can do. You are now a big boy etc...’
• when things were just non négociable, I’m afraid they have been carried, let by the hand etc... to where ever they were supposed to be.

As for your DH, I would suggest you ask him what he wouod be doing and then I would leave him the responsibility to get her dressed etc so he can find a way to deal with it all in his own (I susoectvthat just words btw. He won’t have a clue. Like most parents until you try different ways and find one that works!).
But I wouod have a word to him about how judgenetal his comment is. He is supposed to be supporting you NOT judg8ng your parenting.

It sounds like she might be a bit jealous of her younger sibling OP. Plus it's her age. Terrible Two's don't always end when they turn 3, that's been my experience with my own DD when she was little. It might also be that she has a strong personality, I know my DD did (and still does) and there is now way being overly strict will work. You can try what another poster has said, Have you tried just going along with her? When she wants babying just do it and pretend you love it. Don’t comment on nappies for a while and give her a choice of outfits each day This has worked for me. And when she's being unreasonable, just say "no" once, calmly and go to another room. And sometimes you'll just stand in the rain for an hour trying to convince a tiny person to walk. It's part of the joys of parenthood

This might be a bit of a side issue.

But why does she have to wear a dress? I get that you might want to dress her up in a particular way. But maybe she prefers shorts or a skirt or trousers.

I think it's good to let children have a choice about smaller things, rather than making everything a battle of wills that you have to win.

If she wants picking up and singing a baby song then I would do it, say ‘oooh yes, lovely’. If she asks to be carried and it’s possible, say ‘of course I can carry you for a bit’ with a big smile. Try to say yes as much as possible, it may mean she is less resistant to the things you have to say no to.

I wouldn’t worry about toilet training, she will do it when she’s ready.

Naming her feelings can also help, so ‘I know you’re really angry because you didn’t want to get dressed’. Tell her you understand it’s hard sometimes having a baby sister/brother. Bad behaviour can be a way of her trying to tell you she is struggling and sometimes just acknowledging you understand can help.

I was recently trying to get her into a dress and I put it on, she took it off and hurled it across the room shouting "NO mummy" at me.

She needs counselling to help her understand and transition. She’s obviously born male and you forcing her into presenting female is causing her anger issues.

Do you have an older sibling in school? DS2 was resistant to potty training at 3 and a half. ( Just stroppy) I had a word with the reception teacher, who he knew from DS1's time with her, and she told him that she was really looking forward to having him in her class- but he needed to get rid of the nappies first! ( I was desperate!). Dry within the week!
Same child went to school in his PJs once!

My kids spent a lot of time wandering around the house in their underwear.

They are now teens and I can say that I haven't seen them in underwear since they were 5 or so and needed help after swimming.

If that's an attempt at humour, it seems somewhat misplaced??

Thanks all. I assume the post about being born male was a joke?!

Normally she does just choose what to wear but sometimes she just stands there naked refusing to put anything on at all, insisting that it's too tight or she hates that colour or something. The dress was a kind of tunic with leggings - she didn't have to wear it but it was that or cords and a cardi.

Some really useful suggestions, thanks.

If that's an attempt at humour, it seems somewhat misplaced??

Yeah. Realised it might not come over as intended and probably not appropriate to this thread after i pressed send. Feel free to report it.

I'm not bothered by it :) I just wanted to check it was definitely a joke

This is almost an exact description of my 3.5yo until very recently! Extremely “opinionated” and goes from 0-100 in terms of temper in a second. Loves to be carried and can hold a tantrum for ages. Was semi-toilet trained but utterly refused to do a poo anywhere but a nappy.

She’s had an incredible turnaround in the last couple of months. Suddenly stopped making a giant fuss at kindy dropoff and now goes happily. Walks most places without drama. Yesterday suddenly decided she was ready to do her poo on the toilet and that she’ll do it there from now on.

I think you just have to be patient and wait it out, keep reminding her she’s a big girl, celebrate successes with a big fuss. But more than anything, I think they just go through a big developmental leap at some stage, and then they’re ready of their own accord.

I'd put money on her being golden at nursery or pre school.

This is the bitter voice of experience.

Mine were both the worst for tantrumming and kicking off at 3. Throwing clothes around and refusing to wear them - daily. Refusing to walk - OMG it's so frustrating. Massive screaming fits over tiny things. They did grow out of it, though they are both quite sensitive and anxious types.

I think some children this age will do anything to be in control, after all they don't get to control much about their lives, and the really feisty ones will grab what they can. I found just walking away and calmly saying "just come and see me for a hug when you feel better" and getting on with something else worked best (and quickest). It takes away the opposition and leaves them to decide what to do.

So exhausting though.

Thanks so much: feeling much better about it all!