Really concerned about daughter - AIBU?

[statelypond]

My DD is 3. Obviously, all children are individuals but she seems really difficult compared to her siblings.

She has tantrums about tiny little things, mostly me carrying her. If I try to pick up her younger sibling or sing a "baby" song to her she demands I pick her up, sing a song to her, and she doesn't give in, at all. I've stood trying to make her walk for an hour while it rains around us and the baby cries.

She isn't toilet trained and I'm getting really worried about this as school approaches. I feel like it might be an attention thing.

She gets so angry so easily. I was recently trying to get her into a dress and I put it on, she took it off and hurled it across the room shouting "NO mummy" at me. Dh says I shouldn't let her speak to me like that. I try to model the sort of behaviour I want, so speaking calmly and quietly, leaving the room if she shouts at me, but sometimes it isn't always possible.

I'm not sure what I want. I'm just concerned that at this rate school is going to be an awful shock to her and that she'll get a bad reputation for being badly behaved (probably stupid, I know.)

You made me smile, OP, as my dd was sooo similar! She was 2.5 (and the middle child, older sister was 4) when ds came along. I had potty trained her before he games and she took to it really well, dry in a week, but when ds came along she went backwards, wetting her pants regularly (often when I was busy with the baby..) And her tantrums were epic! Particularly fond memories of her running at me with her Peppa Pig umbrella in Argos, then having to be carried in a firemans lift, screaming like a banshee, into the butchers. It's such a lovely age! She used to do something naughty then , before I could speak, scream at me "I'm GOING to the naughty step, OKAY!!" before stomping off to the naughty step in a strop . I was quite scared of her!

A total Angel when she went to school. The teachers refused to believe me when I told them how stroppy she was at home! She is 12 now, and still somewhat volatile, but that's her! As we head into the teenage years she has new angst and still needs and craves more attention than the other two. I still make a fair bit of time for just her and me. But I wouldn't change her for the world

A bit of reverse psychology works a treat at times

Yes to that. "I don't want you to put that blue coat on today." ..and Bingo they're grabbing it off the peg and defiantly shoving their arms in.

Try not to worry too much. She sounds like my daughter when she was the same age. But she grew out of it by school & to my relief at 3.5 just decided to ditch the nappies. shes never had an accident. I'd spent the last year worrying about the fact she wasn't potty trained! heer sibling has been completely chilled and never really had tantrums even though she witnessed all her sisters!

We've had some success with reward stickers. I also made picture charts for some things so she can see what she needs to do. I let her pick her own clothes and dress herself mainly as she's had an opinion about clothes since she was old enough to say!
Tiredness definitely comes into it too, she goes to bed a bit earlier now and that is helping.

For potty training we used chocolate buttons at first, different ones for trying and doing a wee or a poo. I think we managed to phase them out quite quickly once she was fairly well established.

Three is hard anyway and with a baby in the mix much harder. We don't have any younger ones but sometimes she kicks off if she can't join in with the older ones. I'm sure it will get better.

She is going through some big transitions at the moment, from an only child to a big sister and from a baby/toddler to a little girl who will soon be ready for school. Change is hard for all of us and more so for little ones who haven't experienced it before and don't have the vocabulary or emotional intelligence to express what they are feeling. Given all that, she sounds perfectly normal and your parenting sounds perfect too.

You have been given some great advice on this thread and the only thing I would want to throw into the mix is NOT trying to potty train before `Christmas. I would leave it until the New Year when life will be calmer and more routine. There is no rush. You have 10 months before she starts school - more than 25% of her life to date, she will mature a lot in that time.

My dd hated dresses, and in fact has sensory issues around socks, jeans etc. All her clothes were soft and silky!

She has continued to be a bit 'independent'.

I'd really pick your battles, praise the good, allow freedom of choice on clothes where you can, continue doing all the fab things you have done and are doing.

"She isn't toilet trained and I'm getting really worried about this as school approaches. I feel like it might be an attention thing."

Sometimes it is, so try and make toileting a really casual part of life but really praise when she does get it right, IMHO.

Is she three nearly four or only just three. My nephew was not toilet trained at three and my sister was worried but, as they say, they all seem to get it in the end.

"I've stood trying to make her walk for an hour while it rains around us and the baby cries." I think this does indicate a very strong willed child. I would have a stern consequence for that one, like no TV for a day or whatever.

My dd did that one, just stopped in the woods. A friend said leave her, she will follow, but I knew she would not. In the end we talked her round.

If you are worried, keep a note of these incidences. It really could be all normal and nothing of significance but also I think it could indicate she is a bit different. My dd is very different, I love her to bits, and we are still trying to help her realise her potential.

I think you will either look back and say that it was a phase or look back and say you knew she was challenging even then. Either way, find a way to parent that is positive, as much as possible, looks for and praises the good and shows her how much you love her.

Family links books and courses are really great. familylinks.org.uk/