Really concerned about daughter - AIBU?

[statelypond]

My DD is 3. Obviously, all children are individuals but she seems really difficult compared to her siblings.

She has tantrums about tiny little things, mostly me carrying her. If I try to pick up her younger sibling or sing a "baby" song to her she demands I pick her up, sing a song to her, and she doesn't give in, at all. I've stood trying to make her walk for an hour while it rains around us and the baby cries.

She isn't toilet trained and I'm getting really worried about this as school approaches. I feel like it might be an attention thing.

She gets so angry so easily. I was recently trying to get her into a dress and I put it on, she took it off and hurled it across the room shouting "NO mummy" at me. Dh says I shouldn't let her speak to me like that. I try to model the sort of behaviour I want, so speaking calmly and quietly, leaving the room if she shouts at me, but sometimes it isn't always possible.

I'm not sure what I want. I'm just concerned that at this rate school is going to be an awful shock to her and that she'll get a bad reputation for being badly behaved (probably stupid, I know.)

I'd put money on her being golden at nursery or pre school

This. Also, being the problem child in a Reception class is a fucking rather high bar, these days.

I have a child who is very similar to this and after 4 years of struggling i finally got professional help. Basically when the tantrums happen i now completely ignore the behaviour. I don't interact at all. Once it over i go back to normal and praise good behaviour. I have my child help me and praise them for that. Anything positive gets exaggerated praise. Bad behaviour is ignored. It's working. Slowly but surely. She is looking for reaction and interaction. You are probably inadvertently giving her what she needs when she misbehaves. I know I was. HTH

She sounds like a threenager - we certainly had one!

I'm intrigued by children who 'take' the false choice (shoes or boots?) - DD saw through this immediately, and would just say no. But worth a try, I guess.

Are there some clothes she finds genuinely uncomfortable? That has been an issue for us (trousers with any structure, e.g. cords, jeans etc. are out) - but it's more than possible she's just having a strop.

And yes to pp's who say she's probably struggling with the reality of a younger sibling.

Do you have any way you can transport her without her walking (buggy/scooter/cargo bike etc)? Because if she's lying on the ground screaming, then getting her to walk might be a challenge. I was very grateful for our cargo trike on occasion...

3 was tougher than 2 for our girls. Sounds like you have some great advice from everyone here and plenty of reassurance that it is not you!

My 3 year old sounds very similar. I am currently pregnant as well so we think it could be all part of that. Part jealousy, part 3 year old tantrums!

We spoke to her preschool and they gave us a rewards chart that seems to be helping. (The lovely pink one we bought just didn’t do the trick 😒)!

Maybe worth a try to try something like rewarding her for little things and work your way up!

I got a double buggy when I had my baby (even though DS is almost 3) it’s great because if he gets tired he can just get in it. I’m not carrying him I tell him he can get in the buggy etc and has made being out and about a lot less stressful. He was kicking off and wanting to be picked up because he was genuinely tired.

Yes threenager. Elder DD was the same. She is now 6 and an angel. DS has a more ferocious temper though and is stubborn as a mule. Both are amazing at school and preschool. Pick your battles!

How old is baby? Agree with others. Sounds very much like vying for attention to me as well, plus being a threenager 😂

Can you involve her with baby a bit? Let her help pick out their clothes, help with bath times etc?
It will pass, though I appreciate at the moment it feels like you're up against it.

Volatile is normal for a 3 year old, isn't it?!

Agree with pick your battles, and ignore negative/praise and reward positive behaviour.

Lots of bigging up her role as "great big sister" to the baby, the things she can do as a "big girl" and giving her roles as your "helper" so she feels there are benefits to being an older sibling.

Also bear in mind tiredness and hunger. If she's stroppy after nursery maybe she needs a snack or a rest (do you have a buggyboard? If not I really recommend one for this age). If she's stroppy on a Friday then maybe tired and needs and early night. Etc.

Don't worry about Reception, you are miles away from then.

*and giving her roles as your "helper" so she feels there are benefits to being an older sibling"

She'll see through that too. Making me do things for the interloper?

I'm another one who will put £££ on her being the golden child at school.

I had a golden child at home. At school: well not so much. He's well behaved at both now though.

It sounds like hard work with a baby as well. I wonder if she's not getting enough sleep? Tiredness or disrupted nights turned my lovely toddlers into difficult monsters.

There's nothing wrong with putting consequences in place if she is being defiant. For example, we're not stopping at the shop today because you're making a fuss about walking. It's hard at first to stay firm (esp. when you're tired with a baby) but helps in the long run.

I appreciate you have other children so sorry if the above is akin to telling your grandmother how to suck eggs.

Oh no, she's not doing things for the baby, she's doing things to help her mum. And also to help herself ("if you can help mummy by getting the baby's bib/playing quietly/getting your shoes on then I'll be finished quicker and can read you a story")

Ha this sounds like my dd, she is 4 1/2 now and getting better slowly but surely but by no means perfect.
We actually just went out for a meal for the first time in 2 years (the last time I had to manhandle her out in the middle of dinner) and it was a relative success !
Hang in there, I have no suggestions as nothing I tried EVER worked !!

Each has their own distinct personality and some are much harder to deal with than others! My DS is the oldest and he has always tantrummed a lot more than my dd and been more confrontational generally not fun now he's a teen
Pick your battles is the best advice I can give, let her pick her own clothes as long as she doesn't freeze she'll be ok! Also think she might be a bit jealous of the baby, so I'd sing the songs to her and pick her up too.
I'd focus on toilet training when things calm down a bit, maybe in a couple of weeks.

When I was busy with the baby I found it useful to have a "Special Box" (just a box with stories, sticker books, little puzzles etc) for the older one. So when I was feeding or occupied with the baby, the older one was allowed to get out the Special Box.

It helped a bit!

Oh 3yos are absolute buggers esp when they have a younger sibling to compete with. Don't worry OP it all sounds within the range of normal to me

Another one asking how old the baby is.

It's a big adjustment for them.

Your DH isn't helping though by making comments like that???? I dread to think what he would make of my nearly 3yo yelling for me to "leave her ALONE"

We had no terrible twos oh how smug I was then we had the tantrum threes and the fucking awful fours but you don't need to know about that it's normal and she'll be fine at school I guarantee it
Fake choices, but also, being firm. 'Dd, time to get dressed.' If she starts playing up? 'If you don't then you'll lose (insert favourite privilege) for (set amount of time)' and be consistent. Every single time.
When she does? Huge praise!! It's the best thing she's ever done!!
As for standing around in the rain? Yeah, no. I mean this gently, but she's 3, she doesn't get to rule the roost OP. I found it easier to outline what I expected before we went out:
'We are going to x and we'll walk there. I know it's far so shall we take the double buggy? (Only if you want to and if it'll make life easier) Yes? Great. After x we'll walk home. You'll either walk or go in the buggy if you get tired. Understand? Yes? Great, lets go!' And be consistent. Kids thrive on routine and when I started this they behaved much better as they knew what was expected, and if they misbehaved they'd lose a privilege. It has to be something she doesn't want to lose. Screen time etc.
Good luck op! You're doing grand!
By the way. Mine are teenagers now. For the most part? Helpful, polite, and never have tantrums about getting dressed getting out of bed before midday is a different story
Loads of love and attention and 121 time with Mammy - they thrive on that. Have mummy-daughter days out (if you can leave baby for a few hours if you're bf) and just talk to her, play with her, make it like it was before baby came along - that's what she's missing. And tell dh to bugger off, you're doing the best you can!

If she's only 3 I'm assuming that the earliest she will be going to school is next September, almost a year. At that age children change a huge amount in that length of time, it represents a quarter of their life after all! And many 4 year olds are very immature going into school, the teachers are used to dealing with them. So I would say school should go to the back of your worry list for now.

It sounds very normal for a 3yo with a newish sibling to me.

Re your DH's comments - if she throws something at you does she get in any trouble? If you just ignore it then I could see why he'd say something. If he's just unrealistic about behaviour then it's a totally different issue.

Mike's like this. He's extremely well behaved at the childminders but some evenings will kick off over the tiniest things (half hour screaming fit over drink in the wrong cup etc). I think sometimes he's just blowing off steam after being good all day. Definitely worse when he's tired. He responds very well to bring asked to help me, especially with his little brother (e.g he helps me put cream on him and get him dressed).

I do laugh at those posters who say just give them a choice or explain to them what’s going to happen. No 3 year old worth their salt would give a shit if I offered leggings or a skirt and they wanted a dress

Let them do as they like as far as possible. Mine had free rein over what they wanted to wear, which meant they looked a holy show most of the time but I was not going to fight that pointless battle. I also don’t insist on coats - if they are cold they will soon let you know. Do not go down the “what a great big girl you are!” Route when they clearly want a reminder that they are still your precious baby. A bit of reverse psychology works a treat at times, as does bribery re:potty training.

If it was a safety issue then I didn’t give two hoots and just ignore the screaming (easier said than done), eg car seats, holding hands near roads.

lock her in a room

Pick your battles. My 3 yo is very opinionated about clothes and will very rarely wear what I suggest so I choose not to let it bother me. (Ok, I try... sometimes I'm still embarrassed about what she insists on going out in, but I know I need to save my energy for the arguments that matter more). Preschool don't bat an eyelid at her outfits (including legwarmers, swimming goggles etc). Today's hideous combination was a mustard yellow top with pink and white striped sleeves with a red pinafore dress over the top. They just find it mildly amusing but I don't care what she wears as long as we get her siblings to school on time! She still has meltdowns but it's a phase which she'll grow out of. Don't worry have a . My eldest had epic meltdowns, and despite actually having reason for them (HFA) even he has mostly outgrown them.

Sonds like extended terrible twos and sibling jealousy. My daughter was dreadful when her brother was born.