...to say 'No, I won't'

[keeponworking]

Background: XH - total twat. Self centred, lazy, shit father in nearly all respects that matter the most. Thankfully nowadays we hardly ever communicate in any form which is a blessed relief due to his unending twattery.

DS already told me last week that he's taking him to a concert in our area - it's absolutely fine with me and I'm v happy for DS to go but as per previous comment, I haven't had any direct comms from XH about it (and that too is also not a problem).

However I wasn't so happy about the concept that when coming to get DS (or so I thought - I shall explain later!!!) that XH would come all the way up to our home town then not spend any time with his DD (who he makes NO effort to have any contact with). To say he's broken her heart and shredded her self esteem would be a huge, huge understatement. This would be the second time he's made a special effort to come up here to see his DS, and ignore his DD, so I was kinda dreading how that would play out. Well, imagine my joy when I discovered this wouldn't even be a possibility because alternative plans are in play!:

Hello, I'm taking DS to a concert on XX.XX.XX. I've booked a hotel for us for that night and will drop him back to yours the following morning. He'll therefore have a bag with him so can you drop him to the Loser 'Dad's Hotel on Asshole Street for 7pm on XX.XX.XX. Thanks

This is HIS trip that HE'S made plans for with DS so in my book it's entirely up to him to get him there - none of this has been discussed with me (because it's not my trip) - so why try and get me to pick up the gaps in his planning at this point? Like the times I've done trips to concerts with DD - I wouldn't expect him to be involved, it's my outing so it's for me to organise!

You'll note, no offer of petrol money or asking me if it's something I'm able to do or have time to do - just the arrogant temerity to assume I will just do what he says - it's more of a question where he thinks already that I'm going to say yes of course, I'll plow into our nearest city centre at one of the busiest weeks of the year doing battle with the traffic-generating events that are going on related to Christmas...

There are taxi's from train stations to hotels so no need for me to actually drive him there - he can go on the train (surely, he travels regularly by train on his own now - btw, DS is 18!!!).

I mean, FFS!!!!!!

My jaw actually dropped on the floor?

This is an utter cheek isn't it?

Over reaction after an abusive relationship (whether domestically or post split) is perfectly normal, its basically a post traumatic stress reaction.

It takes you right back to the worst of it, the feelings you had and you react as you did then, even though this situation isnt as bad. Anyone who was bullied horribly as a child and then sees their bully as an adult will understand how it feels. It also explains perceived attacks on others (her DS) where none exists.

Can't believe the tone if that text...he is ordering you.

I do find it odd that he is communicating with you about your adult son (surely packing a bag has nothing to do with you) and if anyone should be requesting a lift from you it should be your DS.

Really I'd just completely ignore the text.

Your poor DD too

Thank you pictish, it's completely inappropriate.

And I totally agree Adelino - there has in fact been no overt decision by either of us to go 'NC' - it just naturally has happened as contact overall with both children has reduced so believe me, everyone is suffering, DS included.

thegrin
"You've had sound advice" - yes, I couldn't agree more, multiple posters have posted excellent advice, given me great chuckles and suggestions - others have stepped outside what is acceptable to me. For 'rude' read 'some posters have stepped over a line against which I reserve the right to defend myself and my children who have absolutely no need to be called out on anything".

thegrin
"Your DS wouldn't be shouldering responsibility for his dad's idiocy by just keeping arrangements between the two of them!" NOWHERE have I said he should shoulder responsibility for his dad's idiocy or that this was to do with keeping arrangements between the two of them. They already do this 99.999% of the time. However, OTHER people have said that he should shoulder responsibility for the fact that his dad doesn't see his sister. That is what he shouldn't shoulder responsibility for and rightly so.

thegrin
"And I don't see how sexual assault is relevant when most cases happen in victim's own homes". I was sexually assaulted in that part of the city in the STREET, not in someone's home - hence it is entirely relevant to use that as an example of the vibe in this location. It's not just based on my beliefs about the place, it's based on experience having worked there for 2 years.

Adelino thank you - the ONLY people causing me distress are those people inferring responsibility on my son to influence his father's behaviour which is pretty low. And completely unachievable.

I'm sure all will be well too Keepserving and I agree, the criticism of DS wasn't implied, it was openly stated. Apparently he should have been working down a coal mine 200 miles from home since the age of 14 travelling there by unicycle whilst single-handedly sorting out the deluded, dysfunctional and cruel behaviours of an entire family at the same time. It's not realistic not least because it's not his responsibility, but because it's impossible to sort them out, let alone his useless father.

It's interesting that since the contact order ceased for DS his 'D'D has not had his down to say with him in a school holiday even ONCE in that entire time..... He's useless to both children, worse to his DD. If anyone needs to go full NC it's her but that is HER choice in HER time, not anyone else's place to suggest or imply what is or isn't right for contact for either of my children.

What HAS been interesting is just how much it pissed me off (due to the wonderful communication-free gap I've been enjoying hitherto!!). I'm deriving GREAT pleasure from texting in the non-emotional minimal grey rock fashion much utilised by those dealing with NPDs, as I've literally giving him nothing to feast on whatsoever. And that is how I shall proceed in the future whenever he next decides to drop me a text out of the blue for absolutely no reason whatsoever! God love him .

It truly is one fucked up man there wednesday - I too am bamboozled by why he's chosen to send it. As I say, it's his bloody wife, she's telling him what to do and what to think and he's sadly too weak-willed to tell her where to go. Yes, DD. Had some tough years at his and his family's hands I can tell you. Shame when she's a totally fab girl.

Actually two posters make comments directly question DS retaining contact with is 'D'D, it's not an overinflated reaction I've had.

Really surprised your ds has a relationship with a man who is ignoring his sister.
Twas thinking this too. Your son is of an age where he could tell his father to stuff it. Why does he want to stay in touch?

That's not a reaction from a previously abused woman btw! Abusive marriage? No. Bloody annoying and ultimately futile, yes! These types of bullying texts only started since we divorced and he remarried and they had their own baby hmmm, coincidence??! He appeared to be a 'good dad' when we were married. It only actually became apparent to me as we were going through the divorce process (it was literally unbelievable to see the total switch from good dad to crap dad) that without me helping, encouraging, and thinking (falsely it turned out) that shared the same goals etc about our family, he couldn't maintain this on his own. As soon as he left the marital home he hardly saw them in fact it was only because contact was court ordered that he actually did it. Really sad and a real disappointment as a man and as a father, he's really crap at it and I suspect new wife manages and controls him so as to limit the appalling interference they suffered when both kids were down every weekend. That's probably why DS doesn't get to go in the holidays any more, it's basically not been sanctioned by her.

Everyone suffers who comes into contact with them (her included actually, because he's just the same as he ever was). Ultimately I feel sorry for her because I know what it's like being married to him. He can't ever genuinely show you love and succeed in making you feel loved and I'm sure she gets exactly the same treatment.

DS doesn’t have to wal through a shitty area with his phone out. While he’s at home, like today or toorrow, he can print out a map of the route between the station and the hotel, then he can put his phone away and use the map.

He can get online today and find a bus which runs from station to hotel or near hotel, print out a map of route from nearby bus stop to hotel.

He could learn the route he has to walk by studying the ap he’s printed over the next few days/weeks.

There ways of getting around without using your phone to advertise to everyone that you don’t know your way around.

I understand why you don't want to block him as he's your DCF but if one text (that I think was unreasonable) in a blue moon gets you this wound up I think its best you do, I understand he's a crappy father & him upsetting your children upsets you & I don't know the finer details but you sound very bitter towards him bitter towards his wife & rude to any poster who didn't give you the advice you wanted to hear, (I totally agree the posters who posted about your son going nc because of ds was out of order & no relavance to post) but saying some posters clearly can't read because they would give a reply you don't like or you think is a waste a time is just rude, I hope your exh makes proper arrangements with ds & that they enjoy the concert & you & your dd enjoy whatever you both plan to do

I'm concerned about OP. She sounds as though she's having a nervous breakdown. Does anyone else think the same?

Just a short fast response ' Sorry am not available to do that, work it out with DS yourself' or as CheapSausagesAndSpam said at the start "DS is now an adult man and I suggest you organise this trip with him." Nothing else. Do not get drawn and tell your son the same.

No she doesn’t sound like she’s having a nervous breakdown what a shitty thing to say! She just sounds rightly pissed off.

I feel so sad for your DD. What an awful feeling to be so clearly not wanted. I hope you have a lovely day doing something together.
With regards to a text back, I would keep it very simple and say (no apologies) that you already have plans that day and DS can book a taxi. Don't enter into any conversation about it -any further texts answer 'I have plans' and leave it at that. DS can then ask his Dad for the money to cover this if he needs it. Good luck!

Calm down Domani

Wow, an op defends self and gives back as good as they get for a change and everyone loses their minds.

Why bother to ask for help when clearly you know all the answers already? You are clearly practised in being rude and aggressive forthright and assertive, so why start a thread? Or did you just get bored of sensible responses part way through and decide to start a fight instead?

OP I was a bit shocked too when a PP suggested your son should take a stand and refuse to see his dad. It is completely up to him whether to maintain contact or not and it may happen in the future he will change his mind.
How old is your dd? It isn’t clear from your post. Is she older than your DS? I am assuming she is if there is no longer a court order for your exH to see either.
I wouldn’t let him continue to control your emotions this way. Just send him a text saying you won’t be doing as he demanded and next time he should include his dd in his plans too. After that refuse to give him emotional space in your mind.

Domani
That was a bizarre thing to say.

How would you feel if I said “I’m concerned about you. You sound like an insensitive fool.”

Keepon
I’m sorry your ex is such a dick. You sound very stressed. Do you have anyone to talk to irl?

My ex is the biggest loser you could ever have the misfortune to meet, however, he would be taking full responsibility for a trip like this.

Speaking personally, I would want my DC to have even a smidgen of (positive) contact, and would help facilitate an event, purely for my DC.

My ex doesn’t bother with our DD (DD and DS both adults) but she doesn’t bother with him either, because she has formed her own opinions of him. My DS (19) hasn’t seen his dad for at least a year, he can’t be bothered either.

Your ex is a lazy cheeky git, but if it’s something your DS really wants to do, i personally would help (just this once) to facilitate it. Your DS will soon form his own opinion of his father.

CheapSausages is the best reply.

No apology, no reason why you can’t (as you don’t need to give one), just a pure fact; your son IS an adult and his Father can arrange with him, and as his Father planned it, he can pay transportation costs too.

I always find it bizarre how some posters go way off topic, add in their own comments on strangers, their family and their lives and then get bent out of shape when the OP reacts negatively.

OP asked for advice on how to respond to XH and whether it was unreasonable to say no to the plans he arranged. It's just a shame how that led to people deciding that they knew better and that DS should cease contact with his father and critiquing whether information the OP provided was relevant.

It's no bloody wonder she got ratty.

So a woman who strongly argues her case is 'having a nervous breakdown'.

How bizarre. Do let us know what happens, OP.
How old is DD?

I appreciate it's too late now as you have already responded however should there be any further texts from him in relation to your DS I'd be tempted not to respond at all.

There is power in silence.

I'd only reply if he contacted to make arrangements to see your DD - unless of course she too is old enough to manage the situation herself.

I have read the whole thread
Agree with the person who said nervous breakdown...

Understand the past trauma etc but dear God! Your child is an adult just ignore the text and get on with your life! Seems like your ex-husband sure is! You don't even need to be in contact with him but you are...issues

I don't agree that speaking to people like utter shit is strongly arguing her case. It sounded extremely dramatic even before she started insulting anyone who said to just say no or ignore. I would be worried for someone acting so adversely to a text tbh and then completely losing it on a forum. You don't act like that no matter what you've been through where I'm from.