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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to say 'No, I won't'

131 replies

keeponworking · 23/11/2017 20:40

Background: XH - total twat. Self centred, lazy, shit father in nearly all respects that matter the most. Thankfully nowadays we hardly ever communicate in any form which is a blessed relief due to his unending twattery.

DS already told me last week that he's taking him to a concert in our area - it's absolutely fine with me and I'm v happy for DS to go but as per previous comment, I haven't had any direct comms from XH about it (and that too is also not a problem).

However I wasn't so happy about the concept that when coming to get DS (or so I thought - I shall explain later!!!) that XH would come all the way up to our home town then not spend any time with his DD (who he makes NO effort to have any contact with). To say he's broken her heart and shredded her self esteem would be a huge, huge understatement. This would be the second time he's made a special effort to come up here to see his DS, and ignore his DD, so I was kinda dreading how that would play out. Well, imagine my joy when I discovered this wouldn't even be a possibility because alternative plans are in play!:

Hello, I'm taking DS to a concert on XX.XX.XX. I've booked a hotel for us for that night and will drop him back to yours the following morning. He'll therefore have a bag with him so can you drop him to the Loser 'Dad's Hotel on Asshole Street for 7pm on XX.XX.XX. Thanks

This is HIS trip that HE'S made plans for with DS so in my book it's entirely up to him to get him there - none of this has been discussed with me (because it's not my trip) - so why try and get me to pick up the gaps in his planning at this point? Like the times I've done trips to concerts with DD - I wouldn't expect him to be involved, it's my outing so it's for me to organise!

You'll note, no offer of petrol money or asking me if it's something I'm able to do or have time to do - just the arrogant temerity to assume I will just do what he says - it's more of a question where he thinks already that I'm going to say yes of course, I'll plow into our nearest city centre at one of the busiest weeks of the year doing battle with the traffic-generating events that are going on related to Christmas...

There are taxi's from train stations to hotels so no need for me to actually drive him there - he can go on the train (surely, he travels regularly by train on his own now - btw, DS is 18!!!).

I mean, FFS!!!!!!

My jaw actually dropped on the floor?

This is an utter cheek isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:19

KittiKat!! Smile

Actually, this IS my plan. She'll be gutted enough when she hears he's coming up to do something with DS with NO plans to see her (he could come up earlier, spend 3 hours with her, then get his DS and take him to the concert)....

So I think we'll go for a Nando's or see a film or something.

OP posts:
MinervaSaidThar · 23/11/2017 21:20

What did you text him, OP?

Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:21

Because he's realised the journey's a bit tricky (cos of the shite, remote [cheap-ass]) hotel he's booked and now realises DS would have a good 40 minute walk from a station to this delightful hotel (he probs doesn't even realise it's in a really shitey part of town either, on top of that).

Thinking about it diddl, if he's at the hotel already at that time, why can't he simply pick him up from the hotel, drop the bags, then go on to the concert venue?!

He just likes to do this from time to time like he has to mess with me and order me about - I have NO idea why (well I do, it's his missus pulling his strings - he has no ability to think for himself whatsoever).

OP posts:
Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:23

I haven't yet Minerva!

I think one of the responses which doesn't say 'well actually I'm busy' (which always makes it sound like you're not busy!!!). I'm not going to say exactly, in case it can be outing in any way....

OP posts:
Greyponcho · 23/11/2017 21:24

Yy to KittyKats reply, with an added “Tosser” on the end Grin

FlashTheSloth · 23/11/2017 21:24

"so can you drop him to the Loser 'Dad's Hotel on Asshole Street" 😂😂

Text back, "I'm not sure why you are involving me asshole, you need to text your son and tell him what your arrangements are for you getting him to the station I'm busy comforting the daughter you have forgotten about, deadbeat dad."

Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:26

It's so tempting Flash (that suggestion did make me giggle, albeit in a fairly sad way based on the one fucked over person in all of this).

I was being very polite in my naming of the hotel and street btw!!

OP posts:
Snausage · 23/11/2017 21:27

"I'm afraid, Twatbadger, that I am busy that day with the daughter you don't want to see. Please arrange with with our adult son the most convenient way for him to get there. Thanks."

harrypotternerd · 23/11/2017 21:29

your DS is 18. At 18 I had moved out of home and managed to get around alright myself, can't your DS get a train or taxi? I would tell exh that as your son is 18 and an adult then he needs to contact him directly. DS is an adult so I am not sure why the plans have anything to do with you? (my kids are a lot younger but this is something my ex would do too, I have wanted to kill him many times).

Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:31

Oh Snausage that did make me snigger!!!!

You have properly cheered me up you lot. Urgh, how horrid that even now he still has this absolute horridness about him and this blood high-fallutin' (HIGHLY misplaced) 'superiority' complex, what a twunt.

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 23/11/2017 21:31

If my 18yo couldn't get himself to the hotel id be disappointed in the young man id raised tbh. He's not a child.

Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:33

Harry thank you.

Yes DS travels regularly on the train, he's quite capable. I've no problem with him getting himself around but for a trip organised by someone else, it's not even my responsibility to be involved in any way. Of course, were he a fabulous NRP who worked collaboratively with me in every way, I might be moved to help.

But he's not and I'm not.

XH is the most appalling tightarse as well - he's happy to save a taxi fare really, is possibly what it comes down to.

OP posts:
Missonihoni · 23/11/2017 21:35

Reply back saying I'm assuming the fact your not very present in your children's life is the reason you have forgot your son is 18. He can make his own way there. He is an adult as are you.

Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:36

Alittle - nowhere have I said that my DS can't get himself anywhere.

I've confirmed he travels regularly fully independently by train - HE is not the one who's a numpty here, he's caught in the middle by his dad unexpectedly trying to involve me!

The ONLY bit that is dodgy is the shitty crime-laden part of the city he's booked the hotel in. I hope his car wheels are still there the following morning. I wouldn't walk round there, no one in their right mind would walk round there on their own in the dark - 10, 18 or 30 years old. It's NOT a nice place at all.

But it's not even an issue is it, if he gets trains then a taxi. Which is what I'll be suggesting.

OP posts:
ToesInWater · 23/11/2017 21:38

I would send “hi, I was surprised to get a text from you. You need to make transport arrangements directly with our adult ds ( though you might want to bear in mind the fact that you have booked a hotel in a really dodgy area). I have made plans to do something nice with dd to compensate for the fact that, once again, you have overlooked her existence. Have fun.”

Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:40

In any case, there's going to be no part of my reply that sounds snidey, pissed off - or any other emotion at all! Why waste emotion on a waste of space like him?!!

"You can't argue with stupid" so I don't intend to.

I have no intention of arguing, just plain, factual text response that confirms it's absolutely NOTHING to do with me, entirely his responsibility. But utterly emotionless.

OP posts:
Shiftymake · 23/11/2017 21:42

"Hi X, Happy that you and DS will be going to this consert, unfortunately, you and DS will need to arrange train and taxi for this as I am unavailable, for the ease of it transfer the travel money into [account/paypal] before the trip unless you wish to come and pick him up instead. Kind regards. Keepon" something like this maybe?

BlueThesaurusRex · 23/11/2017 21:42

And @ToesInWater wins it with that text!

hesterton · 23/11/2017 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:46

Toes - you're right HOWEVER, 20 years with this man I now understand that he has a type of disorder which means that he never ever feels bad or guilty or any of those horrible icky feelings that you get when you do something vile to other people. So sadly saying anything at all, will have absolutely NO effect.

Sad isn't it.

For him to now (purposefully? inadvertently?) draw his DS into this by trying to lump responsibility for the travel arrangements on me, is just another shocking example of what an idiot he is.

DS does NOT deserve to be cast in anything of a negative light - he may even know nothing about this text, he's certainly not mentioned it to me. In fact when DS gave me the heads-up he made no mention of any travel arrangements involving me (why would he, he'd probably assume like any normal person would that his DD was either co,ing to get him from his house or provide him with the means to get there under his own steam).

Sadly it appears DS was wrong on that assumption. NOT his fault not his responsibility to put right.

OP posts:
Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:49

Oooh, 'suggestion order'. Let me read up on this. His communications with me are always like this!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:51

Where's 'here' hesterton?

OP posts:
LaLaLady2 · 23/11/2017 21:52

Much better for your sanity that at 18 your son is the contact point. Even ill, surely he would be able to be in touch with you.
Such a relief when they get to this age and contact control by the ex ceases!

Original poster
keeponworking · 23/11/2017 21:55

Yes in fact 99.999% of the time DS and I just text back and forth as and when we need to, we have no need for and don't get any involvement from his dad!

I can only imagine his missus has had a go at him about something "Why can't you hideous XW bring him to you at the hotel?" or some such like and he's dutifully trotted to his phone to send me that text.

It's just part of his trying to control (I'm so glad I now know that there's further depths to XHs disorder in the form of these here suggestion orders). He really is one very screwed up person.

OP posts:
Anditstartsagain · 23/11/2017 22:00

I would text back saying. Won't be dropping him you will need to sort something else out. If he asks why not (which I would really hope he would) I would tell him I don't want to just like he doesn't want to see his daughter.

Really surprised your ds has a relationship with a man who is ignoring his sister.