...to say 'No, I won't'

[keeponworking]

Background: XH - total twat. Self centred, lazy, shit father in nearly all respects that matter the most. Thankfully nowadays we hardly ever communicate in any form which is a blessed relief due to his unending twattery.

DS already told me last week that he's taking him to a concert in our area - it's absolutely fine with me and I'm v happy for DS to go but as per previous comment, I haven't had any direct comms from XH about it (and that too is also not a problem).

However I wasn't so happy about the concept that when coming to get DS (or so I thought - I shall explain later!!!) that XH would come all the way up to our home town then not spend any time with his DD (who he makes NO effort to have any contact with). To say he's broken her heart and shredded her self esteem would be a huge, huge understatement. This would be the second time he's made a special effort to come up here to see his DS, and ignore his DD, so I was kinda dreading how that would play out. Well, imagine my joy when I discovered this wouldn't even be a possibility because alternative plans are in play!:

Hello, I'm taking DS to a concert on XX.XX.XX. I've booked a hotel for us for that night and will drop him back to yours the following morning. He'll therefore have a bag with him so can you drop him to the Loser 'Dad's Hotel on Asshole Street for 7pm on XX.XX.XX. Thanks

This is HIS trip that HE'S made plans for with DS so in my book it's entirely up to him to get him there - none of this has been discussed with me (because it's not my trip) - so why try and get me to pick up the gaps in his planning at this point? Like the times I've done trips to concerts with DD - I wouldn't expect him to be involved, it's my outing so it's for me to organise!

You'll note, no offer of petrol money or asking me if it's something I'm able to do or have time to do - just the arrogant temerity to assume I will just do what he says - it's more of a question where he thinks already that I'm going to say yes of course, I'll plow into our nearest city centre at one of the busiest weeks of the year doing battle with the traffic-generating events that are going on related to Christmas...

There are taxi's from train stations to hotels so no need for me to actually drive him there - he can go on the train (surely, he travels regularly by train on his own now - btw, DS is 18!!!).

I mean, FFS!!!!!!

My jaw actually dropped on the floor?

This is an utter cheek isn't it?

I'd keep it simple.
'I'm not able to drop DS off, suggest you contact him and make other arrangements'
Don't be drawn into explanations or excuses.

A simple
"no that doesn't work for me" is enough.

Just watch that he doesn't expect you to fund the train/taxi fare tho !!

Eh? I wouldn't reply. Delete his number then he can't have this effect on you anymore. You no longer have to co-parent an adult. Mention to DS you've received a text from his dad and ask him to sort the finer details with him.
And count yourself lucky you don't live in a really shitty area which your DS will only be venturing into briefly.

I'd be inclined to just reply "No." to be honest. Or maybe, "No, I won't be doing that". I certainly would explain at all, he isn't owed that.

For the benefit of those who clearly cannot read, there is NO point saying ANYTHING like this to XH (I cannot repeat that any more times - you either accept this as fact or you don't - it is the reality and nothing at all of saying anything to him will have ANY effect). Trust me on this. A long history of all of this type of ignoring and a disorder is set out in other posts I've made on this thread.

Secondly, it is not my DSs responsibility to fix the serious mental health issues his father has. If he wishes to have contact it's up to him.

The problem here is NOT me, not my DD, NOT my DS - the only one creating problems is my XH who is a cunt.

He's now wilfully and selfishly dragged his son into this by dragging me into it - so as you see, even his DS doesn't escape unscathed from utter bellendery. No one does. If DS said fuck you dad you don't see my sister so I'm not seeing you, he just wouldn't ever see his dad, and any decision anyone has to go full NC with a parent is THEIR decision and no one elses.

I agree that a simple "No" will suffice then ignore any further texts but warn your son first.

OP it's a tad unfair to attack people who have posted suggestions. If you don't want suggestions then don't ask for them.

Really surprised your ds has a relationship with a man who is ignoring his sister.

Twas thinking this too. Your son is of an age where he could tell his father to stuff it. Why does he want to stay in touch?

I'm definitely erring on the 'less is more' very much so Schlim.

That's what I'm saying Inlect - that'll be the next thing (if it happens, I'll just be ignoring it).

I think I'm actually about to derive great enjoyment when I send my text which is emotionless, extremely brief and completely unhelpful to his 'predicament'.

thegrin "And count yourself lucky you don't live in a really shitty area which your DS will only be venturing into briefly"
Er, what? I used to work in that shitty area which is why I know what it's like (very much so indeed as I was sexually assaulted there whilst walking to my car from my workplace). I'm not sure what you intend to infer by this comment which is completely irrelevant to my post. Yes, I'm bloody glad I don't live there, lots of people are bloody glad they don't! I'm not apologising for that nor for knowing which areas can be dodgy and which aren't because that's simply self preservation that anyone would know about their biggest nearest city if they have half a brain in their heads, as they would strive to avoid those areas if they had to walk alone, with their phone out to follow a route, through streets an an area that they don't know.

18 yo boys/men are not immune from being attacked just like anyone else. I cannot help it is my ex husband is so hellbent on minimising the expense of this outing by booking a shitty hotel in a shitty and unsafe area and then expecting me to transport DS at my cost on my time because of it!

Chris on a bike, some of the comments on here are approaching barmy they're so off on a tangent.

I think you are completely overreacting to his text.

Obviously a long and difficult history here that we don't know about but by making this into a drama you are only affecting your own wellbeing.

He asked you to drop him off, you don't want to and you just say no. End of.

Um, because he loves his dad?

You can love people who are utter twats!!!

I haven't ATTACKED anyone, but the comments piling on responsibility to someone who has no agency in whether his dad sees his sister or not, whether his dad chooses to fuck about with transport arrangements or not, is just plain silly and totally outside the scope of the original question which many posters have quite rightly and with great humour and kindness, managed to answer without going off into la-la land extrapolating and carrying on about stuff that bears no relevance to this particular situation.

What @bakewelltarty says!

bakewelltarty, I have done.

"You and DS will have to work out travel arrangements amongst yourselves. You are both adults. I'm sure you'll figure it out."

Revoke my suggestion completely after reading more of this, stick with the No and ignore

"I know DD would love to see you too. Why don't you come up and do x with her for a few hours and then you can pick up DS. I'm not going to be driving to (venue) so he can always get the train back if necessary."

I am going to Shifty. Believe me, I didn't want to react (not overreact, thanks other folk) to this but the sheer bellendery after SUCH a long time of blissful nothingness, was quite shocking!! It's so totally random and weird to send something like that out of the blue, how incredibly odd?!

I've just said something along the lines of. 'Can't. Use trains and taxi'. That should do it.

Nope Adelino - you've possibly not read all of the thread?

This sort of thing is pointless. You're working on the assumption that XH experiences guilt, remorse, any of the normal negative emotional responses any sane person would experience when they treat other people like shit. A conscience is absent, if you will. He can't change it, no one else an change it, you can't change it, I can't change it, if DS said I'll stop visiting you unless you start seeing my sister that wouldn't change it.

Hard to get your head round isn't it!

But there it is. 16 yrs married, together 20. 11 years on from that, he's still exactly the same. It's not NPD but like someone who has that, there's no curing them or treating them rationally and expecting a rational, normal response would be insanity on the part of the person thinking that it might have an effect (sadly). He can't and will never ever change.

Wow, you are really fucking rude. You've had sound advice. To be as wound up as you are, and I have three young children to a similar-sounding deadbeat, going NC is clearly the only sensible option. Why wouldn't you?
Your DS wouldn't be shouldering responsibility for his dad's idiocy by just keeping arrangements between the two of them!
(And don't see how sexual assault is relevant when most cases happen in victim's own homes).

Wow, OP! So rude. I'm starting to see why he may be NC with you!

Yep. Read the thread. I still think a polite but firm message is the way to go. No need to take yourself down to his level.
You're clearly very (understandably) worked up. Maybe best left until the morning as it isn't worth the amount of stress it seems to be causing you right now.

I don't think any criticism of your DS was implied.

Your title wanted confirmation that you could and should say no, and you've had that confirmation.

I hope your DS enjoys the concert, that you and DD enjoy your film or whatever and that everyone gets home safely at the end of the night!

I get you OP. Yanbu.
Fwiw, I thought the comment questioning your son's integrity was pretty low.

What I mean by that is that if nothing can change how he is then you getting worked up won't change how he is so it just isn't worth your energy.

"Thanks for the text. DS is really looking forward to the gig. You need to re-think the logistics - ie Collect DS here before going to the hotel, and see DD so she does not feel completely left out. LMK when you've arranged this."